I'd like to wake Nona to talk this through, but I can't, it's far too late. There's something fragile about that girl, even though she's so feisty. I thought she was going to hit me the other day when she thought she might be attacked again in the game. For God's sake, it's only VR. This generation's forgotten that there's real life outside the Virtual Field. They never have any cause, it seems, to leave it. Still, for a young one, she's pretty good value. I'm beginning to feel quite fatherly towards her. That's allowed. If I had her for a year I'm sure I could turn her into a half-decent Inspector, and that's saying something.
I'm watching her as she sleeps. She makes small movements, like the leaves of a plant responding to
the tiniest variations in light and temperature. In
her dreams, she's leaning towards a sun about whose nature I have no idea and no way of knowing.
Try to sleep, now. Settle down. Funny â the body never gets used to the lack of gravity. Lean against something and you push yourself away. My limbs get lonely without the feel of things pressing against me.
Restless. Every time I start to fall asleep, I hear that tiny, high-pitched voice, singing a song I don't know from a part of myself that I've completely forgotten. It shocks me awake every time, familiar and alien at the same time. And it makes me want to cry.
9
Name
Joint Thought Channel 6 Feb 2210, 09:05
Inspector of
Wrecks
This looks quite different. Like one of those primitive
wizard games.
Apprentice
I know. I've seen them in the Virtual Museum. You each have a series of gifts and talents that you can trade in order to make your way through a landscape.
Inspector of
Wrecks
Gwydion again. Why don't I take his part this time, for the sake of variety?
Apprentice
Why not? Do you want me to be the boy by his side?
Inspector of
Wrecks
Let's wait for a second until we see what challenge presents itself. I'm assuming that, in the old-fashioned way, we'll be given a task to complete.
Apprentice
That must be the child that Gwydion has reared. He's grown much taller. Aged about â what â eleven, from the down on his lip?
Inspector of
Wrecks
Difficult to tell. Remember, we go through puberty a lot earlier than the old Earth inhabitants did. He could be anything from nine to fifteen. The boy's big, though. He's like his half-brothers. Their years in the forest seemed to add up to more human years than the actual time they'd spent there, which was only one season, after all. This boy has the shadow of another realm on his development.
Apprentice
But surely he's got no animal in him.
Inspector of
Wrecks
No, that's not the suggestion. From what I remember from Irish myth, physical size is a way of describing the heroic. Cú Chulainn was huge and his physical prowess exceptional.
Apprentice
Cú- who?
Inspector of
Wrecks
Oh surely you've heard of him, the most famousâ¦
Apprentice
Yes, as it happens I have. A long time ago I played a lot of a game called the
Táin
. Just winding you up.
Inspector of
Wrecks
Here she comes, Aranrhod. Why don't you take her part? The boy hasn't been on the scene long enough to have much to teach us yet.
Apprentice
All right. I'm in.
Inspector of
Wrecks
This'll be interesting. The first time we've seen the siblings away from the court. Perhaps we'll learn some more of their secrets.
Apprentice
Her world is dark. As if I've put on indigo lenses that cut out the sun and yet make everything much more focused. You wouldn't believe the detail I can see. The boy's complexion, the shadows in his suede jerkin, darts in his undershirt.
Inspector of
Wrecks
She was a bit like that when I played her yesterday. But I don't remember the eyesight thing.
Apprentice
I feel she's been brooding, all on her own in her fortress and is ready to wage war against her brothers. At this point she has nothing to lose. She doesn't know who the young boy is, and asks Gwydion.
Inspector of
Wrecks
Look how the décor reflects the nature of the interaction
between the characters. That's very sophisticated for an early programme. We're on a beautiful chequered marble floor, like a chessboard. Perhaps we're about to play a power game. That's a lovely perspective effect, a visual logic. First move, Gwydion: âThis boy is a son of yours.'
Apprentice
This part of the game is formal, courtly. Aranrhod replies, âAlas man, what has come over you, putting me to shame, and pursuing my shame by keeping him as long as this?'
Inspector of
Wrecks
If I were a literary critic, I'd note the repetition of the word shame here. And underline the gesture of covering up, both
in Aranrhod's words (what is shame's gesture but a covering
of the blushing face?) and in Gwydion's action in hiding the little something in his clothes and in his chest until it grew up into this boy.
Apprentice
You did tell me at the beginning not to be afraid of noting my reactions, however subjective. Does that still hold?
Inspector of
Wrecks
More than ever. You might as well, as we're no closer to knowing what's going on.
Apprentice
Well this reminds me of being a very young child, with my brother. You know, before you can really tell each other apart.
Inspector of
Wrecks
As if the characters weren't wholly differentiated from each other. That happens in the dreamlike early human myths
and in this one. Think of it â men turn into animals, siblings
are lovers, wild animals are princes. All the categories bleed.
Apprentice
I'm looking at Gwydion with a creative hatred, waiting for a chance to get back at him.
Inspector of
Wrecks
More flowery language now, as if rage required elaborate courtesy from Gwydion: âBy my confession to God, you are a wicked woman. It is because of him you are angry, since you are no longer called a virgin. Never again will you be called a virgin.'
Apprentice
Infuriating man! I used to be his favourite, all those loving words in secret corners, the flattery I was stupid enough to believe and now I've lost everything. He trumped me in public.
This is Nona talking now, not Aranrhod. Isn't it just typical that Gwydion doesn't think at all about his role in this shame? He's only concerned about how things look on the surface.
Inspector of
Wrecks
That's a magician for you. Impression is all in the confidence trick of illusion.
Apprentice
Well, as a mother I still have some power left. The power to withhold.
Inspector of
Wrecks
You wouldn't dare.
Apprentice
I would. If you're not going to acknowledge your part in this, then I refuse to be mother. I'll go further, I'll be our son's worst enemy. Just watch me.
âGwydion. What is your boy's name?'
Inspector of
Wrecks
âGod knows. He has no name yet.'
Apprentice
âWell. I will swear a destiny that he shall not get a name until he gets one from me.'
I condemn him to limbo. To be blotted out in the pixel dust. To be nothing.
Inspector of
Wrecks
I wish you wouldn't do this.
Apprentice
To have no independent existence of your own, but to be a pawn in others' games. To have no faceâ¦
Inspector of
Wrecks
Nona, I think this is violating the style of the game. The first bit was enough for Aranrhod's part.
Apprentice
So you take on the features of whoever is strongest beside you. May you never know your own mind, but be always swayed by the latest argument.
Inspector of
Wrecks
Nona, calm down!
Apprentice
So you change with the wind and have no core. No solid ground under you. May you hate yourselfâ¦
Inspector of
Wrecks
Your heartbeat's gone crazy. Nona!
You need to leave. Now, this minute.
Apprentice
You shall have no self.
Inspector of
Wrecks
I'm using the Emergency Exit switch and taking you with me. One, two, now!
*
Synapse Log 6 Feb 2210, 09:45
Inspector of
Wrecks
She's with me, crying. I hold her awkwardly in zero gravity. Pat her back. I've never seen a person exceed
their role like that. The Mastermind of this programme
didn't design a pre-set role to withstand that kind of internal boost. It was clearly dangerous to her. Breathing's shallow but she's calming down. Waving me away, telling me she's sorry and that she's fine.
I look dubious but she says she's OK and wants to go back. I say,
take ten.
I've heard of hysteria like this before. I forgot she's not a qualified professional, because it seemed to come so easily to her. It takes years to learn where your weak spots are, not to let the scenarios trigger them. What a fool I was, I've pushed her too farâ¦
*
Joint Thought Channel 6 Feb 2210, 10:00
Inspector of
Wrecks
Are you sure you want to go back in? You don't have to.
Apprentice
I want to. I'm sorry. That won't happen again.
Inspector of
Wrecks
I don't know if I should let you.
Apprentice
Oh please! Don't you see that my reaction might mean that we're getting somewhere? You said that everything was information. Well, let's just log it and move on.
Inspector of
Wrecks
That's a pretty mature way of looking at your emotional life.
Apprentice
Look, I'm a grown-up and I want in. I can't go home without knowing what happened. I'd always wonder. Please let me carry on.
Inspector of
Wrecks
I'm just as keen to work this out.
OK. I won't push you about what happened to you. I don't need the details or even the outline. But I do need to know if you get close to feeling like that again. So I'll let you back in on one condition. That you promise to bale out before you reach that point.
Apprentice
I promise. I can do it.
Inspector of
Wrecks
Don't make me regret this, or make a mess of my last
assignment before I retire. You could ruin my blameless record, my good name foreverâ¦
This time you take Gwydion and I'll be the dame. Again. I'm beginning to think you don't like playing women.
That's better, a smile. Take some glucose and a protein drink and we'll try again.
*
Joint Thought Channel 6 Feb 2210, 10:10
Inspector of
Wrecks
Let me do the lion's share of this visit.
Apprentice
Fine.
Inspector of
Wrecks
So I'm Aranrhod and I'm in my fort, brooding. I fancy this palace is made of dark glass. She looks out on the world with the clarity of rage.
I know that Gwydion's part of this scene, but he's nowhere in evidence. You stand back, and we'll take it from Aranrhod's point of view. I want you to keep your mind
alert to notice if there's anything strange about the characters'
relation to the child.
Apprentice
Do you have a special reason for that?
Inspector of
Wrecks
I do. But I haven't got time to explain now. I discovered
something last night that makes me think that kids are
the key.
Apprentice
You look very beautiful, like the Wicked Stepmother in
Snow White
.