The Melody Girls (14 page)

‘Lorna, I'm sorry. I never meant us to make love. But, oh, I can't really regret it! You don't, do you? You don't regret it?'

‘No, I don't regret it,' she said shakily.

‘I thought you were upset.'

‘No' about making love. It was the most wonderful thing I've ever known.'

‘Thank God for that!'

‘But I am upset. About America.'

‘You needn't be.' Rod had begun to dress. ‘You can come with me. I haven't booked a sailing yet, we could do it together.'

‘You know I can't come with you to America.' Lorna picked up her dress and put it on a hanger. ‘It's out of the question.'

‘After what's happened between us?' Rod was standing very still. ‘You don't want to marry me?'

‘I'd marry you tomorrow, if you'd let me have my band.'

Every remnant of joy that had been showing in his face left and a strange flatness of expression took its place, making him appear, as had happened before, a stranger.

‘You're still wanting that,' he said slowly. ‘I don't believe it. You're choosing something that may never even happen over happiness with me? How can you do that, Lorna?'

‘I could be choosing happiness with you,' she said eagerly. ‘If you'll say you'll just accept what I want to do. Then we can marry and be happy. Please, Rod, say it. Say I can at least try to get my band together, because if you really love me, you'll want me to do that.' She went to him and took his hands, looking pleadingly into his face, but he only shook his head.

‘It's impasse time, Lorna. We love each other, we've just made love, too, but we'll neither of us give in to what the other wants.' He gave a short laugh and released her hands from his. ‘What sort of love is that?'

‘You're saying it isn't real?

His face twisted with pain. ‘Can it be? Oh, God, I can't give you up, yet I know what you're offering would never work out. Would never work out for me. I told you why, and nothing's changed. We want different things, so we have to face facts. If we married, it would be a disaster.'

‘I'm desolate,' she whispered. ‘Desolate.'

‘Then come with me! Give up the band and come with me to America!'

‘So, I'd be the one to give in?'

‘You'd be happy, I promise you.'

‘No, because there'd always be something missing.'

‘I wouldn't be enough?'

She slowly shook her head. ‘I suppose I want it all. Marriage and my career. As you do.'

Those words seemed really to bring everything to an end, and when they kissed and embraced at the door for the last time, finality and a terrible sadness covered them like a soft grey cloak.

‘I do love you,' Lorna said. ‘Whatever you say, our love is real to me.'

Rod kissed her cheek gently. ‘And I still love you – always will.'

‘Can we keep in touch?'

‘Think there's any point?'

‘Maybe not.'

‘Goodbye, then, dear Lorna. I wish you luck, I want you to be happy.'

‘And you. Goodbye, Rod.'

When he had gone and she had heard the outer door bang, she sat in her chair again, her head bent, and let the tears flow. What had she done? What had she done? She wanted to leap up and run after him, crying to him to come back, come back, she'd give everything up for him. But some iron in her soul made her stay where she was. Maybe Rod was right, they'd be facing disaster if they married. The fact that he had said it – was that not disaster, anyway?

Twenty-Five

‘Well, so this is what going to Glasgow has meant!' Tilly cried on Lorna's first day home. ‘Trouble, and nothing else, as far as I can see.'

‘Oh, don't go on, Ma,' Lorna sighed, studying the job vacancies in the evening paper. ‘It wasn't all trouble. I got good experience in Luke Riddell's band.'

‘Aye, and the sack, too.' Tilly's pale eyes sharpened. ‘And what about this young man of yours, then? The one you never brought home? How come all that ended in tears?'

‘I was going to bring him home.'

Oh, that hurt, didn't it? Her mother's talk of tears? Lorna, steadfastly keeping her eyes on the newspaper, was wishing herself anywhere except under interrogation by Tilly. ‘Anyway, he wasn't my young man at all, as it turned out.'

‘Just a heartbreaker, eh?'

‘I wouldn't say that.'

‘Going off to America, though.' Tilly pursed her lips. ‘Some of the lassies who married Yanks in the war were awful disappointed, you ken, when they got to the States.'

‘I'm sure some were very happy, too.'

‘It's always better to stick to someone of your own kind. Somebody who knows what you know.'

Ewen, of course, Lorna said to herself, circling a job in a flower shop and another in a bakery, and smiled as Tilly told her Ewen had asked after her and might come round tomorrow.

‘You could maybe ask him if there's anything going at the post office, Lorna?'

‘Thanks, but I am not going back to the post office, Ma.'

‘Well, what are you going to do? There are precious few band jobs for girls round here, as you know.' Tilly rose and set out cups for their last cup of tea before bed. ‘I suppose you might ask Jackie Craik if he's got anything, but like your dad used to say, he never wanted women in his band.'

‘I'd never ask Jackie Craik for a job,' Lorna said firmly. ‘I know his views too well. No, what I'm planning to do is to get some temporary job and then do what I really want to do.'

‘Which is what?' Tilly asked, swinging round with the teapot in her hand.

Lorna, folding the newspaper, finally looked up and met her mother's eyes. ‘Run my own band.'

‘Oh, my Lord!' Tilly set down the teapot with a thump. ‘Oh, Lorna, whatever next? Your own band? That's crazy talk. I – I'm speechless.'

‘It isn't crazy talk, Ma. Flo and me, we've discussed it and we think we could do it. There are women's bands in America and England and they're popular. We reckon we could make a band popular here. We're going to give it a go, anyway. Just got to work out the details and get the finance.'

Turning back to her tea making, Tilly appeared quite taken aback, as though Lorna had surpassed herself this time in surprising her.

‘Your Auntie Cissie always said you'd be a law unto yourself,' she said over her shoulder. ‘And she's absolutely right, eh? I just don't know what to say to you, Lorna.'

‘Needn't say anything, Ma. Leave everything to me.'

‘Including this finance you talk about?' Tilly sniffed. ‘We used to call it money. So, how are you going to get it?'

‘Well, we wouldn't need all that much,' Lorna said eagerly. ‘Just enough to hire a room and pay for advertising and wages, until we begin to get engagements. I thought I'd ask a bank about a loan.'

‘A bank! Lorna, banks don't lend you money unless you can pay it back. You'd have to have some capital.'

‘I could see what they said. After all, other people must have had the same problem starting off.'

‘I suppose your friend Flo can't help?'

‘No, we're both in the same boat.'

‘And she's going to be the bandleader, is she?' Tilly looked dubious. ‘A very nice lassie, but are you sure she's got what it takes to lead a band?'

‘Of course! She's older than me and she's knows more.'

‘But you've got the personality and the looks, Lorna, though I say it myself.'

‘Looks don't come into it, Ma.'

‘No?' Tilly smiled. ‘Looks come into everything, I'd say. Now, have your tea and get to bed, you look exhausted. Tomorrow, you could discuss things with Ewen. He'll be dying to help. No' that he's got any money, of course.'

The following evening, Lorna and Ewen went to the cinema, where they saw a re-run of the film
Great Expectations
with John Mills.

‘That's what you've got, eh?' Ewen asked fondly, when they came out blinking into the light of the May evening. ‘Great expectations of being a lady bandleader. I'll bet you succeed, too.'

‘Don't see why I shouldn't. Once I get started.'

‘Need cash, though. Wish I had some, I could be your backer.' He grinned, as they began to walk home along Princes Street. ‘To be honest, I have got fifty quid in the post office. Would that help?'

‘Oh, Ewen!' Lorna hugged his arm. ‘As though I could take your money! But it's nice of you to offer.'

‘Och, you'd need a lot more, anyway.' He looked down at her worriedly. ‘Do you really think the bank will lend you something?'

‘Ma doesn't think so, but I'll have to ask. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.'

They paused to sit down on a bench near St John's, a fine West End church, watching the cars go by and the pedestrians enjoying the still warm evening.

‘About that fellow you knew,' Ewen began, but Lorna immediately became rigid, her face a mask and he faltered. ‘I suppose you don't want to talk about him, eh?'

‘No, I don't.'

‘You said once there was no one special, but I always knew there was. Then your mother dropped a hint or two. Said you might be bringing someone over.'

‘And now you realize that won't be happening?'

‘I don't want to make things worse for you, Lorna, but if he's hurt you, just tell me where he is and I'll go over and give him what for.'

‘He's about to sail for America,' she replied, surprised she could smile at Ewen's vehemence. ‘You'd be too late. Anyway, the truth is, we've hurt each other. He wanted one sort of life, I wanted another, so we had to agree to part.'

‘What sort of life do you want, then?' he asked quietly. ‘One that doesn't include marriage?'

‘One that might include marriage, as long as it had my band as well.'

Ewen's brow cleared. ‘That's good, Lorna. That's OK. Because anybody who cared for you would want you to have both, eh?'

For some time she watched the passing show of evening Edinburgh without speaking.

‘Yes, that's true,' she said at last. ‘Anybody who cared for me would want that. Shall we make a move, then?'

‘Just let me say first, if you ever need any help, if there's ever anything I can do . . . I want to tell you I'll be there.' Ewen looked steadily into her eyes. ‘I mean it, Lorna.'

‘I know you do, Ewen.'

Linking arms again, they continued their walk back to Tilly's flat, where Ewen came in for a little while before saying goodnight at the door and they exchanged brief kisses.

‘You'll let me know how you get on at the bank?' he pressed, and she promised she would, as soon as she'd had the interview for which she'd have to brace herself.

‘Such a nice laddie,' Tilly remarked, when Lorna returned.

‘It's no use, Ma. No point in hoping.'

‘You mean, about you and Ewen? No, I stopped long ago. But he is a nice fellow.'

‘He is. And you're right, he would he helpful, if he could.'

Tilly was mending a stocking, screwing up her eyes over the ladder as her needle went in and out. ‘Maybe I can help, Lorna.'

‘Ma, don't worry. Any money you've got you need. I don't want to be a drain on you.'

‘Have you forgotten?' Tilly clipped off her thread.

‘Forgotten what?'

‘The insurance money.'

Lorna sat up in her chair, the colour heightening in her cheeks, her eyes very bright. ‘The insurance money,' she whispered. ‘Yes, I had forgotten. But that was supposed to be for my wedding.'

‘Aye, well, what wedding? Seems to me it'd be more useful to you now. If you're really serious about this band business.'

‘Oh, I am! I am!'

‘Came to me in the night,' Tilly went on. ‘I woke up in the small hours, couldn't get back to sleep, and I thought about your dad and what he would've wanted for you. I reckon it'd have been the band, if it was to be just for girls, no' a wedding. I mean, my folks had no money when your dad and me got wed, so we did it all ourselves on a shoestring.' Tilly smiled at the memories. ‘And look how happy we were, eh?'

‘Oh, Ma, you're my saviour, you always are!' Lorna ran to Tilly and flung her arms around her neck. ‘But are you sure, though? Are you really sure you want me to have it – the insurance money?'

‘Aye, I'm sure. It's in the building society at the minute – that's where your dad said we should put it. I'm no' certain how much there is – should be some interest – but there'll be enough to start you off, eh?'

‘Look, I'll pay you back. Soon as I get some money coming in, I'll put it all back in the building society.'

‘What a piece of nonsense! When it was for you, anyway.' Tilly smiled affectionately. ‘But if you ever do get wed, you can maybe pay the bills then.'

‘You bet I will!' Lorna was dabbing at her eyes. ‘Though I can't see it happening for a long, long time.'

‘Best get your band started first, eh? We'll go to the building society tomorrow and find out just how much there is, and then you can tell Flo.'

‘I'd tell her now if she had a phone. Maybe I'll write a letter. Have you got any ink? Any writing paper?'

Lorna was almost dancing round the living room. ‘Oh, Ma, I can never thank you enough. And Flo will feel the same. She'll be over the moon.'

‘Here's the ink, here's the paper.' Tilly was rooting in her purse. ‘Got a stamp?'