Authors: Tricia Goyer
“Me!”
“Me, me!”
She passed the plate down the table and each child eagerly took one. Voices rose in delight as they each tasted their cupcakes.
Even Uncle Ivan’s face brightened into a large smile. “I’m sure this is the best cupcake I’ve ever eaten. Sarah, you’ve outdone yerself.”
Sarah looked to Jathan to see if he approved. He seemed to enjoy the cupcake, but his eyes looked troubled. Dark circles hung under them.
Aunt Lynette must have noticed his weariness too. She moved to the kitchen and wet a dish cloth to wipe off baby Elmer’s sticky hands, and then she pointed outside. “Why don’t you two head out fer a walk. It’s a beautiful night. It seems like Jathan can use a bit of peace.”
“Are you sure?” Sarah looked around at the crumbs on the table and the children who needed help getting ready for bed.
“
Ja
, we may play a game or read a story together. It’s a birthday tradition, and you two look as if you jest need some time to unwind,” she repeated. “From what I hear around town, the bakery is booming. You deserve some time to relax.”
Sarah rose and Jathan did too. He placed a kiss on her aunt’s cheek. “Happy birthday.”
“Ja, danki.”
Sarah followed Jathan outside, down the porch steps, and onto the two-lane country road. Summer had planted herself
deep in Berlin. Green fields stretched in every direction. Pink, yellow, and white wildflowers nodded their heads on the slight breeze, as if offering approval as they passed.
They walked for a while, shoulder to shoulder. Sarah brushed her fingers against Jathan’s hand but it did little good. Jathan didn’t take her hand, although she wanted him to.
“Do you think you can get more orders for decorated cupcakes?” he asked.
“
Ja
, I really do. There is a book that shows how to make roses, daisies, asters. There were other designs, too, fer ladybugs, suns, monkeys — those were especially cute.”
He stroked his chin. “And do you really think we can get double?”
“
Ja
, and I have an idea. Catherine’s been helping some with the baking. She can do more of that, and I’ll spend more time decorating. The way things are growing, we’ll be the busiest bakery in all of Holmes County!”
“Yer so confident. You act as if you’ve been running a bakery yer whole life, but what happens when that confident woman takes a walk down a country road with a man who worries it’ll all spin out of control?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, the bakery is changing. There are new customers,
ja
, but both
Mem
and Aunt Kay have mentioned that their faithful customers haven’t been coming in as often. And with these new cupcakes …” He shrugged. “We’ll jest wait and see what everyone thinks.”
“I believe they’re going to love them. The old customers will get used to the changes, and the new ones will be drawn in!” Sarah added an extra hop to her step. “Jest look at the beauty around us. Even as we walk, my mind spins with all the ideas fer decorating cupcakes. Can you imagine one that
looks like that sunset? I can picture the colors and shapes I’d use now.”
Jathan’s footsteps slowed as if he considered her words. “So you really like it here?”
She glanced around. “What’s not to like? I love the wide-open spaces. I enjoyed the mountains, too, but the horizon is my favorite. It seems to stretch in every direction with limitless promise. It makes me think that what I hope fer can come true.”
“And what do you hope for, Sarah?”
She could give a dozen answers, but only one mattered to Jathan. And to her.
“I hope that I’ll be able to stay around a while. I thought I would miss Montana — my family — more, but I like this community. I could make it home, with the right conditions.”
He paused his steps and she followed suit, then he reached out and touched her arm. “The right conditions?”
She dropped her chin. “I would be too bold to say anything more than that.”
After a thoughtful silence, he mused. “Yer unlike any other Amish woman I know. I appreciate that you share yer thoughts and are truthful. I don’t mind boldness. It’s the trying to figure someone out that bothers me.”
“Well, in that case …” She placed a hand over her heart. Her hand trembled as she considered the words she would say. “The truth is, my staying depends on the right person.”
His face brightened as if the morning sun had suddenly reappeared and lit it. She released the breath she’d held captive for too long.
His head dropped to the side. “Do you think I’m that person?”
She sighed and relaxed. “
Ja
, I do.”
But instead of smiling, instead of giving her the same tender words of love that he’d shared just days earlier, Jathan resumed his steps. The light on his face dimmed. “That’s the problem. I know what I want to give you, Sarah; I’m jest not sure I can. There are so many family responsibilities … and if my
Dat
improves, well, that could change everything.”
“What do you mean, Jathan?”
He closed his eyes and opened them slowly. “I’m afraid I’m not going to be able to be the man you expect. The man you need.”
They walked beneath the trees that lined the road. The covering of leaves was so thick that more light came in through the ends of the natural tunnel than above.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you know the letter I wrote you, telling you I’d be able to work alongside you in the bakery?”
“Ja.”
“That was foolish talk, and we both know it. My
bruder
needs me to help him with deliveries and to pay the bills. There’s only so much extra money we can make on baked goods. The only solution I can think of is to reconsider that job at the factory. If I’m going to live this life and support a wife and family, then that’s how things have to be.”
“And how do you think yer wife will feel about that? Sure, you’ll have food on the table and a fine place to live, but a husband’s happiness … Is there anything of greater value than that?”
“Listen to you. Life is not about happiness or following yer dreams. Our ancestors showed us what’s really important — family and hard work. You’ve worked with the
Englisch
too long.”
His words wrapped around Sarah’s heart and squeezed painfully tight, causing her to feel short of breath.
“I expected you’d say that one of these days. All Amish people I know usually do.” Sarah crossed her arms over her chest. “I can see it now. Whenever we have a disagreement, I’ll be in the wrong, and the reason will be that I’ve spent too much time with the
Englisch
.” When she finished spouting those words, she stopped in her tracks, wanting him to stop and talk to her. Really talk.
He didn’t say anything but continued walking.
“Yer not going to answer me?”
“My
Dat
always told me it’s foolish to answer a woman in her folly,” he called over his shoulder.
Sarah gasped. She set her hands on her hips and marched after him. “You saying that — you putting up these defenses — means I’ve hit the nail on the head. You know I did. You know yerself you don’t want to live this life jest to earn enough money to keep a family!”
They walked out of the grove of trees and the world brightened around them. Jathan glanced down at her, his eyes partly squinted. She wished it were only because of the added light, but she knew it wasn’t the case.
“Why won’t you believe me, Sarah, when I tell you that’s not possible?”
“What do you mean?” She grabbed his arm, forcing him to turn toward her, to pause.
“Yesterday
Dat
said my
Mem
’s name. ‘Mags.’ It was jest a whisper.”
Sarah clasped her hands together. “That’s wonderful.”
“
Ja
, it is. I want nothing more than for him to get better.
But when he starts talking, well, I know what he’s going to tell
me. He was very clear before I left. He wants me to work at the shop or work in the factory.”
“What if he changes his mind?”
“He’ll never change his mind.”
“How do you know?”
“I jest know. Why do you have to ask so many questions? Why do you have to push fer change, Sarah? Why can’t you jest accept things fer how they are?”
Sarah cocked her chin and narrowed her gaze. “I want to know the truth, Jathan. The thing you’ve been wanting to tell me but haven’t. I see fear in yer eyes. Real fear. And I want to know where it comes from.”
“I know
Dat
will never change his mind because …” His voice caught in his throat. “He told me when I was jest a boy and he hasn’t changed his mind.”
Jathan moved over and leaned against a wooden fence post, as if needing the extra support to keep him up. Sarah could tell that whatever he was about to say would be hard, and she forced herself to be still and wait for his words.
“I was working in the bakery with
Mem
,” he finally said. “It was early on a Saturday. I was feeling better and could get around on my leg jest fine, but I went in with her anyway. I loved being there.”
She nodded to let him know she was listening.
“
Mem
had run down to the store to get some milk. She needed it for the chocolate pies. I was crimping pie crusts fer her, preparing to put them into the oven.
Dat
—” Jathan’s voice trembled. “
Dat
came in. At first, fear filled his gaze. He’d gotten up early knowing
Mem
was away. He went up to my room to rouse me fer morning chores, but I wasn’t there. His worry turned to fury when he saw me with those pie crusts.” Jathan
lowered his head. “Before I knew what was happening, he picked me up and threw me across the kitchen, an-and then he picked up a glass pie plate and hurled it at my head.”
Jathan touched the scar over his eyebrow. “He called me a sissy. He said no son of his would work in a kitchen. And then he stalked off. When
Mem
found me, she had to stitch me up.” Jathan shook his head and his words shook too. In his eyes, she saw the truth. He still felt like that little boy, trembling before his father’s fury. “To this day,
Mem
believes a robber tried to break in fer the cash box.”
“Oh, Jathan.” Sarah rushed forward and placed her hands and her cheek on his chest.
“No son of his …” he repeated.
The words were no more than a whisper, but Sarah knew they cut his heart like a knife.
I
t had been a week since Jathan confessed the pain of his past, and even though she’d tried to assure him that she loved him and would be there for him no matter his occupation or what he needed to do to support his family, Sarah had hardly seen him.
Jathan had come around the bakery with items they needed, like the twenty-pound bags of flour they went through so often, but he rarely stayed long. Instead, he’d chat for a moment, look at and taste her newest creations, and then run out the door again on another errand for his brother.
Sarah tried to assure him she still cared. She also tried to be understanding. Maybe she’d come to Ohio not to urge Jathan to step out in his dream, but rather walk alongside him when he couldn’t. To support him no matter what.
Even though Sarah’s heart ached for Jathan, her soul soared as she made more cupcakes and discovered new ways to decorate them.
Some days,
Englisch
customers brought in ideas for her, but most days, she took time to gaze at the world around her as she walked to and from work.
One time, she brought in her memory jar and set it on the counter. She pulled out the small pinecone from the jar and a smile filled her face. Inspired, she frosted the cupcakes first and set them to the side. Then she picked out different-sized chocolate buttons she’d bought at the cooking store and dipped the ends in decorating gel before sprinkling edible glitter on them. Once the buttons were dry, she layered them, lining them up in rows of threes so they looked like pinecones.
After placing them on top of the frosted cupcakes, she smiled and took them to the display case, lining them up next to the butterfly cupcakes. An Amish woman was looking at the display, lined up with the rest of the women who were
Englisch
. Sarah paused, realizing she hadn’t seen her before. She also realized how few Amish women came in anymore. Maybe it was because the store seemed to be filled with
Englisch
tourists more often than not.
The Amish woman bought two flower cupcakes and a loaf of bread. After she left, Sarah turned to Aunt Kay. “Is that woman new in town? I haven’t seen her before.”
Aunt Kay sighed and shook her head. “
ne
. That’s Bev Troyer. She’s like one of the butterflies you put on yer cupcakes. Those
fancy
ones.” Aunt Kay drew out the word
fancy
as she pointed to the display case. “Everything’s sunshine and flowers, but she’s not much fer practical use. Never quite knew an Amish woman like her.”
Sarah bit her tongue. Sarah assumed Aunt Kay was talking about Bev Troyer, but from the look in Kay’s eye, she couldn’t be sure.
She was about to head to the back when a small tourist bus pulled up in front. Within fifteen minutes, all the tourists had come in and left again, large smiles on their faces and boxes of
baked goods in their arms. Sarah looked at the display case and noticed that every last cupcake was gone.
How is that possible?
Should she make more tomorrow? Would this be a regular occurrence?
Sarah was rearranging the items in the display case when another woman entered.
“Do you have cupcakes?” she asked. “I saw a lady at the fabric store, and she told me about the cupcakes. Said they were the best she’d ever eaten.”
Sarah raised her eyebrows. “Well, I was going to wait —”
“Cupcakes?” Aunt Kay stepped forward, interrupting before Sarah could continue. “We have cinnamon rolls. Homemade bread too.”
“Yes, that sounds lovely, but what I’d really like is a cupcake.”
Aunt Kay pursed her lips, glanced over her shoulder at Sarah, and then turned her attention back to the woman. “
Ach, ja
, there’s cupcakes in the back yet.”