The Mill House (8 page)

Julia was shaking her head. 'No-one I can think of. Anyway, I don't want to go that route. I love Josh, I'm totally fulfilled by our sex life - when we're having one - and I have no desire to be involved with anyone else, even on the most superficial level.'

Sylvia sighed and cast a mournful glance at Pauline as she came out again. 'I never did get monogamy, did you?'

'Only when I'm married,' Pauline confessed, 'but coming at it from this side, it seems positively quaint. Honestly, Julia, to think you're still crazy about the same man after how many years?'

'Almost eighteen,' Julia provided.

'Incredible. I don't know whether congratulations or commiserations are in order. However, we are talking about Josh, so maybe it's not so peculiar. Is he a generous lover?'

Julia nodded. 'The best,' she replied.

'What if I told you,' Sylvia said, 'that he is having an affair?'

Julia's smile fled, and as she turned to look at her, her entire body turned cold.

'I'm just posing the question,' Sylvia assured her 'I'm not saying he is.'

Relief flooded in so fast that Julia felt instantly light-headed. 'You really scared me then,' she chided, glancing at Pauline.

'She sure did,' Pauline commented, appearing curious as to why Sylvia had taken this line.

'I think you're using it as an excuse,' Sylvia explained. 'You'd almost rather persuade yourself Josh is having an affair than face up to the problems that are clearly still hanging around from the time your father left. Something happened to you back then, the trauma was huge, it must have been to cause so much damage that your mind just can't heal it. Sure, it goes into retreat for a while, and lets you lead a normal, untroubled existence, but it keeps coming back, and it will continue to if you don't get it out there and address it.'

Julia was starting to feel overly hot.

'He walked out when you were about Shannon's age,' Sylvia went on a little more gently, 'so there could be a resonance there that, on some level, is bringing it all back, and it's not going away again this time, is it?'

'You know, I think we're all jumping to conclusions about this being connected to my father,'Julia began.

Ignoring her, Sylvia said, 'Have you spoken to your sister about the call?'

Julia shook her head. 'I was always his favourite,

so if he's called me and not her ... I just don't want to go there.'

'How old was she when he left?' 'Eighteen.'

'So does she know why he went?' 'If she does, she's never confided in me, and God knows I tried hard enough to get it out of her at the time. It never even gets mentioned now - well, it wouldn't when we almost never see her.'

'Did your mother ever blame her the way she did you?' Pauline asked.

'Once I heard her saying Pam should be thankful he'd gone after everything that had happened, but I don't know if you could call that blame.'

'So really, it was only you who got saddled with that?' Sylvia said. Julia nodded and drank more wine. 'Did she ever say what you'd done to drive him away?'

Julia felt herself stiffen as the old and terrible misery threatened to engulf her. Then with a bitter laugh, she said, 'Would you believe she told me it was disgusting for a father to love his own daughter the way he loved me. She called him a pervert and accused me of leading him on.' Even as she said the words she could feel her insides heaving with the shame she'd felt back then, and still did, even though she knew very well she'd never done anything wrong. 'It's not true,' she added quickly. 'He never laid a finger on me that way, but the accusation stuck. I've never been able to forget it, or to forgive her.'

'Have you ever brought it up again? Asked her to explain?'

'Of course, but if you knew my mother you'd know what a waste of time that is. She has a very selective memory and has chosen to forget she ever said such a thing. And she never, but never discusses anything she doesn't want to.'

'Is she still living in Gloucestershire?'

'Of course. She'll never leave that place. Pam's back there now, with her husband and daughter, living in the same village, less than a minute's walk away. She sees my mother every day, and as far as my mother's capable of being close to anyone, she seems to have managed it with Pam. Neither of them ever call me, in fact Josh is the one who keeps the contact going, mainly for the kids, but I'm not at all sure she appreciates it.'

'The only female on the planet who hasn't fallen prey to the legendary Josh Thayne charm?' Sylvia quipped.

'Actually, I think she quite likes him. It's me she can't stand.'

'What about the kids?'

'She can take them or leave them, whereas Rachel, Pam's daughter, is the apple of her eye, which is quite something for a woman who can't bear anything less than perfection. And Down's would definitely qualify as an imperfection in my mother's book.'

Getting up to answer the phone, Sylvia said, 'I think you should confront her over your father once and for all. Force her to tell you the truth of what really happened back then.'

'I agree,' Pauline said.

Julia's eyes drifted, as the mere thought of such a showdown began stirring the horrible, suffocating

feeling she so dreaded. The last time I broached the subject she told me my father was dead,' she said flatly. 'I knew she was lying, which was borne out when Josh asked her where the grave was so we could visit. She wouldn't discuss it again after that.'

Pauline was watching Sylvia as she spoke quietly into the phone, it seems pretty clear to me,' she said, turning back, 'that someone else was involved when he left. It would explain your mother's bitterness. Do you suppose it might have been a man, rather than a woman?'

'I've considered that and it's certainly possible, since homosexuality is something my mother would find utterly abhorrent and deviant, and totally impossible to mention by name, never mind discuss in detail.'

'Would it give you a problem if he were gay?'

'Of course not, as long as he was happy. It doesn't chime with my mother's delightful incest charge though, does it, or the hints she dropped a few times about him being in prison.'

Pauline's eyes widened. 'I don't think you've ever mentioned that before. What was he supposed to be in there for?'

Julia drew quote marks as she said, '"An unmentionable offence" - which could suggest some kind of lewd act if you want to go that route, but that would be playing her game, which is something I absolutely refuse to do.'

The sound of Sylvia laughing made them glance inside. 'I have guests,' Sylvia was saying reprovingly, 'so this isn't a good time.' She glanced up and gave them a wink. 'No, I'm not free later. I'll

call you when I am.' She listened, smiled again and said, I should be at the River Cafe around nine, come and buy me a Martini.'

After putting the phone down, she fetched a bottle of Pellegrino from the fridge and came back to join them. 'So where were we?' she said, sinking gracefully back into her chair.

'Still talking far too much about me,' Julia replied. 'So tell us who that was on the phone, and who you're expecting later. A new love?'

Sylvia looked surprised. 'Did I say I was expecting someone?'

'You said you're not free, so I assumed ...'

'Oh. No, I'm seeing my dealer - art, not drugs.' She kept her eyes on the sparkling water as she poured, then raised them to Julia and smiled. 'You know, I've been intrigued about your father for years,' she confessed, 'so I think it's high time we made it our business to find out exactly why he took off like that.'

'Think of it this way,' Pauline added, 'it could turn out to be the source for your first best-seller.'

Though Julia's expression remained light her insides sank in the darkness of the words, for it was starting to seem as though her whole life was about rejection - her father, her mother, her books, and, though she dreaded even to think it, Josh too. But it was going to happen, she could sense it as surely as the sun's burning rays on her skin. It was just a question of when, and how, and whether, when it happened, she could manage to survive it.

Chapter Three

Josh's expression was taut and pale as he got up from his desk and carried the phone over to the large bay window that overlooked Queen's Gate Gardens. Right now the view was blurred by a sudden downpour of rain, but his attention was far from the leafy enclave in the middle of the square, it was wholly focused on the appalling way he was handling the call he was on.

Josh, I want to help,' Harry Greenstock, a good friend - and Julia's old boss at McKenzies - was telling him, 'but you know I can't overrule one of my editors like that.'

The truth was Harry could reverse an editorial decision, and they both knew it. However, he clearly wasn't going to, and Josh could hardly claim to be surprised. Nevertheless he wasn't ready to give up yet. 'But I think Fiona's the wrong editor for it,' he protested, deeply thankful that Julia couldn't hear any of this, for ballistic wouldn't even begin to describe her reaction. 'Let me send it to Lizzie Bloom, or Carson Maclure.'

'You chose Fiona because you know she's the best,' Greenstock replied patiently. 'And she's the most senior. The others won't oppose her decision.'

'But it's a wrong one.'

'Then you're free to take the book elsewhere.'

Josh checked to make sure his door was closed, for he didn't want Marina, his PA, to know about this conversation, particularly not what was coming next. 'Look,' he said, already wincing, for he'd never pulled a stroke like this before, and given a choice he sure as hell wouldn't do it now, 'we both know Moira Glaister's contract is coming up for renewal.'

The silence at the other end was deadly.

Hating himself, Josh continued to let the implication hang. Moira was an extremely successful crime-writer. Greenstock wouldn't want Josh taking her elsewhere, but though trading one author off the back of another did happen, when the author he was trying to promote was his wife, it smacked of the kind of nepotism anyone would find hard to stomach. In fact, as the silence drew on, he was becoming nauseous himself.

'Josh,' Greenstock said quietly. 'I understand how disappointed you and Julia must be with Fiona's decision, but we both know Julia wouldn't thank you for this. It's no way to get her published.'

Thankful at least that Greenstock realised Julia had nothing to do with this, Josh said, 'You could do it, though.'

"Of course, but the advance would be minimal and the outcome could prove as painful
AS
last time.'

All that really mattered to Josh was that Julia should start believing in herself again, so as excruciating, and undoubtedly misguided, as his line of attack was, he couldn't give up yet. 'I believe in this book, Harry,' he said.

There was only a brief pause before Greenstock said, 'Is that an objective view?'

Josh sighed and closed his eyes. It was well past the time to back off now. 'I'm sorry,' he mumbled.

'It's OK. You can count on my discretion. This conversation will go no further.'

After thanking him Josh rang off, pressed his hands to his face and tried to erase the humiliation from his mind. What the hell had he been thinking? Just what did he imagine he was going to prove by forcing Julia on her old publishing house? Everyone would know, and he shuddered even to think of how devastated she'd be if she ever found out.

Thankful to be distracted by another incoming call, he clicked the phone on again and returned to his desk. As he talked to the editor at the other end he glanced anxiously at his watch, aware that he was becoming edgier and more irritable by the minute, for time was marching him inexorably towards a meeting he should never have set up, but hadn't yet been able to bring himself to cancel.

The cab was booked for three thirty, so by the time the call ended he guessed it would be outside. Without bothering to check, he picked up his mobile and raincoat, strode past Marina who was busy on the phone, and ran downstairs taking another call as it came in. 'Sydney Street, I'll direct you from there,' he told

the driver, and continued into the phone, 'it's a good offer. Better than I hoped, but we can always shop it around some more, if that's what you want.'

The author at the other end was clearly torn between greed and a safe haven. Greed won. Josh told him he'd get back when he had more news, and clicked onto the next call. It was Marina, whose wry sense of humour was as great an asset as her unswerving loyalty, since he'd given her a job nine years ago at the age of fifty-one, when no-one else would.

'Just to let you know I've rescheduled your six o'clock this evening to five tomorrow evening,' she told him. 'I couldn't get hold of your four o'clock though, because I can't see who it's with.'

'Falcon Hotels,' he informed her. 'I'm on my way there now.'

'Oh? Why isn't it in the diary?'

'Over to you,' he responded. 'It was in mine.'

'OK. Well, if you manage to wrap that up by four thirty, quarter to five at the latest, you should be home in time to play cricket with Dan.'