The Mill House (6 page)

Julia was feeling faintly dizzy. Her eyes were fixed on Josh, as his were on her. 'Has this happened before?' he suddenly demanded.

'Of course not,' she cried. 'I'd have told you if it had.'

'Did he ask if I was here?' he said to Shannon.

'No,' she replied.

'Josh, you can't seriously think I'd hide it from you,' Julia said.

'Did he give his name?' he asked Shannon.

'I just told you what he said.'

Dan was standing in the doorway listening. Seeing him, Julia felt a sudden, overpowering instinct to hold him, to hold them all, then turning to Shannon she said, 'Did he leave a number?'

'No, but we could try 1471.'

Josh was already dialling. 'Nothing,' he said, after listening to the recorded voice.

'What's the big deal?' Dan asked.

Julia stared at his look of confusion. 'No big deal,' she told him with a smile, 'just that no-one's heard from him in more than twenty years.'

Dan's eyes widened. 'Wow! That's a long time. Where's he been?'

She shook her head.

'Have you ever met him, Dad?' Shannon asked.

'No. He disappeared before Mum and I met.'

'Why?' Dan asked.

'Nobody knows,' Julia answered.

'What about Grandma Alice, she must know,' Dan insisted, referring to Julia's mother.

Julia shook her head again, and felt the cold fingers of dread starting to clamp around her heart. If her mother ever got wind of this ... She shuddered and snapped the thought off before it began dabbling in all the horrible implications of that.

Seeming to read her mind, Josh said, 'We don't need to mention this to Grandma Alice. She hasn't been too well lately ...'

'This might make her feel better,' Dan said helpfully

'It won't,' Julia assured him, relieved that Josh now seemed to be believing her.

'But she must have been worried, if he's been gone all that time.'

'Duh. He walked out on her, stupid,' Shannon informed him. 'She probably hopes he's dead. I know I would, if I was her.'

'Why did he walk out on her?' Dan asked.

'I expect he found someone else. And who can blame him? Grandma Alice is soo ...'

'That's enough,' Josh snapped.

'Well, she is.'

'What is she?' Dan demanded.

'You know what she's like,' Shannon responded sneeringly, reminding Julia of herself. 'She hates everyone, even us.'

'She does not hate you,' Julia said sharply.

'She hates you,' Shannon retorted.

'She doesn't hate Uncle George,' Dan piped up. 'He's her brother, so she can't hate him.'

'Wanna bet?' Shannon challenged. 'You're my brother and I hate you.'

Dan rushed at her and grabbed her in a headlock. 'No, you don't. You love, love, love me,' he shouted.

'Yeah, like, please hold the bucket someone while I puke.'

Josh and Julia looked at each other. 'I have to go,' he said, checking his watch and reaching for his briefcase.

Julia followed him upstairs to the hall, where he stopped to pick up his keys. 'What shall I do if he calls back?' she said.

'I guess that depends what he wants.'

'What do you think he wants?'

'Who knows.'

'Josh, I swear, he's never called before,' she cried. 'I wouldn't keep it from you if he had.'

'Are you sure about that?'

'Of course I am. Why would I?'

'You know perfectly well why,' he responded. 'You don't want to face who he was, what he is, so if he's trying to get in touch and you're trying to avoid him ...'

She was about to cut in when the phone rang again. They waited, listening as Shannon picked up down in the kitchen, then realising it was one of her friends, Josh started for the door.

'Will you be back in time for Dan?' Julia asked.

'I said I would if I could.'

'Josh!'

He turned round, his expression irritable, impatient.

'It's important to him that you make that match.'

'I know, and I'll try,' he replied.

Her eyes remained on his. 'Don't make him pay for crimes that are mine,' she said quietly.

Anger tightened his jaw, and taking a step towards her he said, 'That's the trouble with you, Julia, you think everything's about you. Well, since we're on the subject, don't you think it's time you got back in touch with the therapist, because frankly, I'm not prepared to put up with much more of this.'

'I'm not a machine, for God's sake. I can't just turn myself on and off ...'

'You've never had a problem before. Not like this.'

'Well, maybe if you weren't always fresh from screwing someone else I might find it a bit easier to get in the mood,' she hissed.

'Oh for Christ's sake,' he seethed, and without bothering to kiss her he slammed out of the house.

Already regretting her last words she listened to his footsteps, the opening and closing of the car door and roar of the engine as he pulled away. No pretence over whose car it was this morning, she remarked grimly to herself.

'Mum!' Shannon shouted up the stairs. 'I can't find my blue top, the one with drop shoulders. It's not in the laundry room ...'

'It's hanging up in your wardrobe,' Julia told her, collecting her thoughts as she started back down the stairs. 'Why do you need it now?'

'I'm going straight to Gilly's after school. She's having a kind of party, you know, for her birthday.'

'OK. Before you disappear, give me a hand loading the dishes. Where's Dan?' 'He went into the computer room.' Julia opened the dishwasher. 'So who's going to be at the party?' she asked as Shannon passed her a stack of cereal bowls.

'Just a few of us hanging out, you know, while Gilly opens her presents and stuff. Her boyfriend's taking her out on Saturday. They've asked me if I want to go. I mean, like, there'll be a gang of us, not just me and Gilly and Guy.'

Julia gave her a look. 'Are the other boys Guy's age?'

Shannon shrugged. 'I don't know. I suppose so.' 'Then I don't think Dad will agree, darling. Guy's nineteen.'

'But Mum, I'm never going to have a boyfriend if he keeps me locked up all the time.'

'You'll be sixteen before you know it, sweetheart, he'll relax the rules then, he promised.'

'But everyone else has a boyfriend, except me,' Shannon protested. 'I hate being the only one who doesn't. I feel like a freak.' With pouting lips and tears in her eyes she squirted a dollop of liquid into the dishwasher and slammed the door shut. 'Anyway, even if Dad was cool about it, it wouldn't make a difference,' she said, turning her woeful face to Julia. 'No-one's ever interested in me.'

'Oh darling, it'll happen,'Julia assured her, drawing her into an embrace. 'You're so beautiful it can't not.'

'But even the mingers in school have got boys after them. It's so embarrassing, being the only one who never gets asked out or anything. It's just not

fair, because when my friends talk about the things they've done I can't ever join in. I haven't even ever been kissed, and some of them have gone all the way already.'

Pressing her lips to the top of Shannon's head, Julia rocked her from side to side. I know it's hard,' she whispered, 'but you don't want anything to happen with someone unless he's the right one, do you?'

'No.' Shannon's head came up to look into Julia's face. 'Was Dad the first man you ever slept with?' she asked.

Julia thought fast. 'That's a question for another time,' she said, smoothing her hair.

'Which means he wasn't.'

Julia fixed her with a meaningful look. 'Come on, or you'll be late,' she said.

'But it's all about sex, really, isn't it?' Shannon persisted. 'Dad doesn't want me to go out with anyone because he's afraid I'll have sex with them.'

'Certainly it's a concern,' Julia admitted.

'But you wouldn't mind if I had sex, would you? You gave me the condoms ...'

'I would mind a great deal,' Julia interrupted. 'I gave you the condoms so you'd know what they are, or in case you found yourself in a situation that ... Well, let's just hope you don't find yourself in such a situation. And whatever happens, you mustn't let Dad know I gave them to you.'

Shannon squeezed her hard. 'I love you so much, Mum. You're the best mum in all the world.'

'Can I quote that next time you're yelling at me for not allowing you your own way over something?'

Shannon's lovely blue eyes seemed more earnest than amused as she said, 'I think Dad really loves you too, Mum. I don't think he's sleeping with anyone else.'

Julia's heart twisted. 'You've been eavesdropping,' she said, cupping Shannon's face in her hands.

'Only a bit. I wish you'd be nicer to him.'

Julia smiled and shook her head. 'What a mixed-up lot we are,' she sighed. 'Me trying to sort you out, you trying to sort me and Dad out...'

'Oh yuk! Is this a girlie love-in?' Dan protested from the door.

'Not exclusively,' Julia responded, holding out an arm. 'Certain boys can join in.'

'No thanks,' he replied. Then abruptly changing his mind, he charged towards them like a bull, and caught them both round the waist.

'And you want a boyfriend?' Julia said to Shannon as they staggered against the sink.

'Not one like him,' Shannon retorted, and grabbing Dan by the ears she planted a resounding kiss on his cheek before flashing off up the stairs.

'OK, so what's on your agenda today, young man?' Julia said, starting to put the breakfast cereals away. 'Do you have any sports?'

Dan's face fell. I don't know. I lost my agenda,' he said bleakly.

Julia rolled her eyes in exasperation. 'Dan, term only started a week ago, you can't have lost it already.'

He hung his head. 'I didn't mean to,' he said.

With a sinking heart Julia realised that someone had probably stolen it as a prank, hidden it, and

now he couldn't find it 'We'll get you another,' she said gently 'Then just make sure you hang onto it.' 'Can we look up that butterfly now?' he asked. 'Dad's computer's on. We can use his.'

As she followed him into Josh's hallowed territory that they all regularly invaded, she found her thoughts going back to the mysterious telephone call and wondered if it really had been her father - and if it had, why he would be in touch now, after all these years. It was bizarre, and such a shock she wasn't entirely sure she'd taken it in. Maybe she'd ring her sister, see if he'd tried to call her, though she knew she wouldn't, because if Pam hadn't heard anything the old rivalry would begin again. And if Pam had ...

A memory of her father's face cut off the thought, his soft grey-blue eyes, long nose, square chin and high forehead. He'd always seemed to be laughing, never cross, unfailingly interested in what she was saying, or ready to take part in her new adventures. She tried to hear the sound of his voice, the playfulness and laughter; his pleasure when she did well and concern when she didn't. It was all there somewhere, along with the feelings of love and contentment, the excitement and eagerness to please. She just couldn't seem to reach past all the closed doors between now and then to find it.

'Sometimes it feels as though I'm not a real person any more,' Julia was confessing to Sylvia later. 'It's as though I've come adrift from myself and my family and I'm not sure how it happened, or how to find my way back.'

Sylvia's perfect eyebrows arched with irony. 'You're forty and a mother,' she responded lightly. 'Crises go with the territory.'

Humour sparked in Julia's eyes as she said, 'You're always such a comfort to me, Sylvie. How would I manage without you?'

As Sylvia looked up from the bottle she was opening, she was smiling in the affectionate, teasing way Julia knew so well, for they'd been friends since their early twenties, and though they'd made very different life choices back then, they'd always remained as close as their conflicting commitments would allow. Surprisingly, they'd hardly ever considered each other as rivals, for in spite of both being beauties and sharing the ambition to write, they'd never had the same taste in men, and Julia knew very well that to begrudge Sylvia her success as an author would certainly do nothing to enhance her own. Besides, she was far too fond of Sylvia to wish her anything but good, and was even delighted by the added success she'd been enjoying lately with her highly unusual ceramics. It was why she'd taken this bijou mews house in Notting Hill, to be in a more bohemian environment, which Julia found both amusing and intriguing, for Sylvia, with her haute-couture wardrobe and aversion to even the slightest muddle, had always been the epitome of Chelsea chic and stylish living up till now.

'You'll get through this,' Sylvia assured her, 'you love each other too much not to.'

Liking the sound of that, Julia watched as she pulled the cork from the bottle, and thought how lovely she looked in the sunlight that was

streaming through the open French windows. It was turning her long, silky blonde hair to a silvery mane, and shrouding her in the kind of light that made Julia understand why some referred to her as the ice maiden, for everything about her seemed impenetrably cool and collected, and aloof almost to the point of disdain. Julia knew, however, that passions ran very deeply beneath that perfect facade, for Sylvia's love affairs had been many and tempestuous, and if there was a lover who'd been willing to let her go when she'd decided to move on, Julia was at a loss to remember him now.