The Moon and Sixpence (11 page)

Two or three weeks passed. One morning, having come to a pause in my work, I thought I would give myself a holiday, and I went to the Louvre. I wandered about looking at the pictures I knew so well, and let my fancy play idly with the emotions they suggested. I sauntered into the long gallery, and there suddenly saw Stroeve. I smiled, for his appearance, so rotund and yet so startled, could never fail to excite a smile, and then as I came nearer I noticed that he seemed singularly disconsolate. He looked woebegone and yet ridiculous, like a man who has fallen into the water with all his clothes on, and, being rescued from death, frightened still, feels that he only looks a fool. Turning round, he stared at me, but I perceived that he did not see me. His round blue eyes looked harassed behind his glasses.

'Stroeve', I said.

He gave a little start, and then smiled, but his smile was rueful.

'Why are you idling in this disgraceful fashion?' I asked gaily.

'It's a long time since I was at the Louvre. I thought I'd come and see if they had anything new.'

'But you told me you had to get a picture finished this week.'

'Strickland's painting in my studio.'

'Well?'

'I suggested it myself. He's not strong enough to go back to his own place yet. I thought we could both paint there. Lots of fellows in the Quarter share a studio. I thought it would be fun. I've always thought it would be jolly to have someone to talk to when one was tired of work.'

He said all this slowly, detaching statement from statement with a little awkward silence, and he kept his kind, foolish eyes fixed on mine. They were full of tears.

'I don't think I understand', I said.

'Strickland can't work with anyone else in the studio.'

'Damn it all, it's your studio. That's his look-out.'

He looked at me pitifully. His lips were trembling.

'What happened?' I asked, rather sharply.

He hesitated and flushed. He glanced unhappily at one of the pictures on the wall.

'He wouldn't let me go on painting. He told me to get out.'

'But why didn't you tell him to go to hell?'

'He turned me out. I couldn't very well struggle with him. He threw my hat after me, and locked the door.'

I was furious with Strickland, and was indignant with myself, because Dirk Stroeve cut such an absurd figure that I felt inclined to laugh.

'But what did your wife say?'

'She'd gone out to do some marketing.'

'Is he going to let her in?'

'I don't know.'

I gazed at Stroeve with perplexity. He stood like a schoolboy with whom a master is finding fault.

'Shall I get rid of Strickland for you?' I asked.

He gave a little start, and his shining face grew very red.

'No. You'd better not do anything.'

He nodded to me and walked away. It was clear that for some reason he did not want to discuss the matter. I did not understand.

The explanation came a week later. It was about ten o'clock at night; I had been dining by myself at a restaurant, and having returned to my small apartment, was sitting in my parlour, reading. I heard the cracked tinkling of the bell, and, going into the corridor, opened the door. Stroeve stood before me.

'Can I come in?' he asked.

In the dimness of the landing I could not see him very well, but there was something in his voice that surprised me. I knew he was of abstemious habit or I should have thought he had been drinking. I led the way into my sitting-room and asked him to sit down.

'Thank God I've found you', he said.

'What's the matter?' I asked in astonishment at his vehemence.

I was able now to see him well. As a rule he was neat in his person, but now his clothes were in disorder. He looked suddenly bedraggled. I was convinced he had been drinking, and I smiled. I was on the point of chaffing him on his state.

'I didn't know where to go', he burst out. 'I came here earlier, but you weren't in.'

'I dined late', I said.

I changed my mind: it was not liquor that had driven him to this obvious desperation. His face, usually so rosy, was now strangely mottled. His hands trembled.

'Has anything happened?' I asked.

'My wife has left me.'

He could hardly get the words out. He gave a little gasp, and the tears began to trickle down his round cheeks. I did not know what to say. My first thought was that she had come to the end of her forbearance with his infatuation for Strickland, and, goaded by the latter's cynical behaviour, had insisted that he should be turned out. I knew her capable of temper, for all the calmness of her manner; and if Stroeve still refused, she might easily have flung out of the studio with vows never to return. But the little man was so distressed that I could not smile.

'My dear fellow, don't be unhappy. She'll come back. You mustn't take very seriously what women say when they're in a passion.'

'You don't understand. She's in love with Strickland.'

'What!' I was startled at this, but the idea had no sooner taken possession of me than I saw it was absurd. 'How can you be so silly? You don't mean to say you're jealous of Strickland?' I almost laughed. 'You know very well that she can't bear the sight of him.'

'You don't understand', he moaned.

'You're an hysterical ass', I said a little impatiently. 'Let me give you a whisky-and-soda, and you'll feel better.'

I supposed that for some reason or other – and Heaven knows what ingenuity men exercise to torment themselves – Dirk had got it into his head that his wife cared for Strickland, and with his genius for blundering he might quite well have offended her so that, to anger him, perhaps, she had taken pains to foster his suspicion.

'Look here', I said, 'let's go back to your studio. If you've made a fool of yourself you must eat humble pie. Your wife doesn't strike me as the sort of woman to bear malice.'

'How can I go back to the studio?' he said wearily. 'They're there. I've left it to them.'

'Then it's not your wife who's left you; it's you who've left your wife.'

'For God's sake don't talk to me like that.'

Still I could not take him seriously. I did not for a moment believe what he had told me. But he was in very real distress.

'Well, you've come here to talk to me about it. You'd better tell me the whole story.'

'This afternoon I couldn't stand it any more. I went to Strickland and told him I thought he was quite well enough to go back to his own place. I wanted the studio myself.'

'No one but Strickland would have needed telling', I said. 'What did he say?'

'He laughed a little; you know how he laughs, not as though he were amused but as though you were a damned fool, and said he'd go at once. He began to put his things together. You remember I fetched from his room what I thought he needed, and he asked Blanche for a piece of paper and some string to make a parcel.'

Stroeve stopped, gasping, and I thought he was going to faint. This was not at all the story I had expected him to tell me.

'She was very pale, but she brought the paper and the string. He didn't say anything. He made the parcel and he whistled a tune. He took no notice of either of us. His eyes had an ironic smile in them. My heart was like lead. I was afraid something was going to happen, and I wished I hadn't spoken. He looked round for his hat. Then she spoke:

'I'm going with Strickland, Dirk', she said. 'I can't live with you any more.'

'I tried to speak, but the words wouldn't come. Strickland didn't say anything. He went on whistling as though it had nothing to do with him.'

Stroeve stopped again and mopped his face. I kept quite still. I believed him now, and I was astounded. But all the same I could not understand.

Then he told me, in a trembling voice, with the tears pouring down his cheeks, how he had gone up to her, trying to take her in his arms, but she had drawn away and begged him not to touch her. He implored her not to leave him. He told her how passionately he loved her, and reminded her of all the devotion he had lavished upon her. He spoke to her of the happiness of their life. He was not angry with her. He did not reproach her.

'Please let me go quietly, Dirk', she said at last. 'Don't you understand that I love Strickland? Where he goes I shall go.' 'But you must know that he'll never make you happy. For your own sake don't go. You don't know what you've got to look forward to.'

'It's your fault. You insisted on his coming here.'

He turned to Strickland.

'Have mercy on her', he implored him. 'You can't let her do anything so mad.'

'She can do as she chooses', said Strickland. 'She's not forced to come.'

'My choice is made', she said, in a dull voice.

Strickland's injurious calm robbed Stroeve of the rest of his self-control. Blind rage seized him, and without knowing what he was doing he flung himself on Strickland. Strickland was taken by surprise and he staggered, but he was very strong, even after his illness, and in a moment, he did not exactly know how, Stroeve found himself on the floor.

'You funny little man', said Strickland.

Stroeve picked himself up. He noticed that his wife had remained perfectly still, and to be made ridiculous before her increased his humiliation. His spectacles had tumbled off in the struggle, and he could not immediately see them. She picked them up and silently handed them to him. He seemed suddenly to realize his unhappiness, and though he knew he was making himself still more absurd, he began to cry. He hid his face in his hands. The others watched him without a word. They did not move from where they stood.

'Oh, my dear', he groaned at last, 'how can you be so cruel?'

'I can't help myself, Dirk', she answered.

'I've worshipped you as no woman was ever worshipped before. If in anything I did I displeased you, why didn't you tell me, and I'd have changed. I've done everything I could for you.'

She did not answer. Her face was set, and he saw that he was only boring her. She put on a coat and her hat. She moved towards the door, and he saw that in a moment she would be gone. He went up to her quickly and fell on his knees before her, seizing her hands: he abandoned all self-respect.

'Oh, don't go, my darling. I can't live without you; I shall kill myself. If I've done anything to offend you I beg you to forgive me. Give me another chance. I'll try harder still to make you happy.'

'Get up, Dirk. You're making yourself a perfect fool.'

He staggered to his feet, but still he would not let her go.

'Where are you going?' he said hastily. 'You don't know what Strickland's place is like. You can't live there. It would be awful.'

'If I don't care, I don't see why you should.'

'Stay a minute longer. I must speak. After all, you can't grudge me that.'

'What is the good? I've made up my mind. Nothing that you can say will make me alter it.'

He gulped, and put his hand to his heart to ease its painful beating.

'I'm not going to ask you to change your mind, but I want you to listen to me for a minute. It's the last thing I shall ever ask you. Don't refuse me that.'

She paused, looking at him with those reflective eyes of hers, which now were so indifferent to him. She came back into the studio and leaned against the table.

'Well?'

Stroeve made a great effort to collect himself.

'You must be a little reasonable. You can't live on air, you know. Strickland hasn't got a penny.'

'I know.'

'You'll suffer the most awful privations. You know why he took so long to get well. He was half starved.'

'I can earn money for him.'

'How?'

'I don't know. I shall find a way.'

A horrible thought passed through the Dutchman's mind, and he shuddered.

'I think you must be mad. I don't know what has come over you.'

She shrugged her shoulders.

'Now may I go?'

'Wait one second longer.'

He looked round his studio wearily; he had loved it because her presence had made it gay and home-like; he shut his eyes for an instant; then he gave her a long look as though to impress on his mind the picture of her. He got up and took his hat.

'No
_;
I'll go.'

'You?'

She was startled. She did not know what he meant.

'I can't bear to think of you living in that horrible, filthy attic. After all, this is your home just as much as mine. You'll be comfortable here. You'll be spared at least the worst privations.'

He went to the drawer in which he kept his money and took out several bank-notes.

'I would like to give you half what I've got here.'

He put them on the table. Neither Strickland nor his wife spoke.

Then he recollected something else.

'Will you pack up my clothes and leave them with the concierge? I'll come and fetch them tomorrow.' He tried to smile. 'Good-bye, my dear. I'm grateful for all the happiness you gave me in the past.'

He walked out and closed the door behind him. With my mind's eye I saw Strickland throw his hat on a table, and, sitting down, begin to smoke a cigarette.

I kept silence for a little while, thinking of what Stroeve had told me. I could not stomach his weakness, and he saw my disapproval.

'You know as well as I do how Strickland lived', he said tremulously. 'I couldn't let her live in those circumstances – I simply couldn't.'

'That's your business,' I answered.

'What would
you
have done?' he asked.

'She went with her eyes open. If she had to put up with certain inconveniences it was her own look-out.'

'Yes; but, you see, you don't love her.'

'Do you love her still?'

'Oh, more than ever. Strickland isn't the man to make a woman happy. It can't last. I want her to know that I shall never fail her.'

'Does that mean that you're prepared to take her back?'

'I shouldn't hesitate. Why, she'll want me more than ever then. When she's alone and humiliated and broken it would be dreadful if she had nowhere to go.'

He seemed to bear no resentment. I suppose it was commonplace in me that I felt slightly outraged at his lack of spirit. Perhaps he guessed what was in my mind, for he said:

'I couldn't expect her to love me as I loved her. I'm a buffoon. I'm not the sort of man that women love. I've always known that. I can't blame her if she's fallen in love with Strickland.'

'You certainly have less vanity than any man I've ever known', I said.

'I love her so much better than myself. It seems to me that when vanity comes into love it can only be because really you love yourself best. After all, it constantly happens that a man when he's married falls in love with somebody else; when he gets over it he returns to his wife, and she takes him back, and everyone thinks it very natural. Why should it be different with women?'

'I dare say that's logical,' I smiled, 'but most men are made differently, and they can't.'

But while I talked to Stroeve I was puzzling over the suddenness of the whole affair. I could not imagine that he had had no warning. I remembered the curious look I had seen in Blanche Stroeve's eyes; perhaps its explanation was that she was growing dimly conscious of a feeling in her heart that surprised and alarmed her.

'Did you have no suspicion before today that there was anything between them?' I asked.

He did not answer for a while. There was a pencil on the table, and unconsciously he drew a head on the blotting-paper.

'Please say so, if you hate my asking you questions', I said.

'It eases me to talk. Oh, if you knew the frightful anguish in my heart.' He threw the pencil down. 'Yes, I've known it for a fortnight. I knew it before she did.'

'Why on earth didn't you send Strickland packing?'

'I couldn't believe it. It seemed so improbable. She couldn't bear the sight of him. It was more than improbable; it was incredible. I thought it was merely jealousy. You see, I've always been jealous, but I trained myself never to show it; I was jealous of every man she knew; I was jealous of you. I knew she didn't love me as I loved her. That was only natural, wasn't it? But she allowed me to love her, and that was enough to make me happy. I forced myself to go out for hours together in order to leave them by themselves; I wanted to punish myself for suspicions which were unworthy of me; and when I came back I found they didn't want me – not Strickland, he didn't care if I was there or not, but Blanche. She shuddered when I went to kiss her. When at last I was certain I didn't know what to do; I knew they'd only laugh at me if I made a scene. I thought if I held my tongue and pretended not to see, everything would come right. I made up my mind to get him away quietly, without quarrelling. Oh, if you only knew what I've suffered!'

Then he told me again of his asking Strickland to go. He chose his moment carefully, and tried to make his request sound casual; but he could not master the trembling of his voice, and he felt himself that into words that he wished to seem jovial and friendly there crept the bitterness of his jealousy. He had not expected Strickland to take him up on the spot and make his preparations to go there and then; above all, he had not expected his wife's decision to go with him. I saw that now he wished with all his heart that he had held his tongue. He preferred the anguish of jealousy to the anguish of separation.

'I wanted to kill him, and I only made a fool of myself.'

He was silent for a long time, and then he said what I knew was in his mind.

'If I'd only waited, perhaps it would have gone all right. I shouldn't have been so impatient. Oh, poor child, what have I driven her to?'

I shrugged my shoulders, but did not speak. I had no sympathy for Blanche Stroeve, but knew that it would only pain poor Dirk if I told him exactly what I thought of her.

He had reached that stage of exhaustion when he could not stop talking. He went over again every word of the scene. Now something occurred to him that he had not told me before; now he discussed what he ought to have said instead of what he did say; then he lamented his blindness. He regretted that he had done this, and blamed himself that he had omitted the other. It grew later and later, and at last I was as tired as he.

'What are you going to do now?' I said finally.

'What can I do? I shall wait till she sends for me.'

'Why don't you go away for a bit?'

'No, no
_;
I must be at hand when she wants me.'

For the present he seemed quite lost. He had made no plans. When I suggested that he should go to bed he said he could not sleep; he wanted to go out and walk about the streets till day. He was evidently in no state to be left alone. I persuaded him to stay the night with me, and I put him into my own bed. I had a divan in my sitting-room, and could very well sleep on that. He was by now so worn out that he could not resist my firmness. I gave him a sufficient dose of veronal to ensure his unconsciousness for several hours. I thought that was the best service I could render him.