The More You Ignore Me (5 page)

Doug
struggled up the ladder, with Keith at the bottom trying to control every
seismic wobble as the ample frame above him neared its destination.

‘Hello,
Gina.’

‘Fuck
off, Doug.’

Aw,
Gina, come on, you know you need help.’

Sounds
like the title of a country and western song, thought Keith.

‘Come
on down, Gina, you look freezing up there,’ Doug persisted.

‘Well,
actually, if you’d listened to little Teddy Fairfax, you’d know the temperature
this morning was going to be sixty degrees Fahrenheit so that’s hardly
freezing.’

‘You’re
doing a Valerie Singleton, though,’ said Doug.

‘Pardon?’
said Gina.

‘Erect
nipples,’ said Doug. ‘Don’t you remember her coming out of the water on
Blue
Peter
with that swimming cossie on? Ooh, I was shocked.’

Steady
on, thought Keith.

Gina
began to laugh and an expression crossed her face for a split second that gave
the merest of hints that some insight into her situation was still possible.

‘Come
on, Gina, for Gawd’s sake,’ said Doug, ‘or this ladder’s gonna break, I’ll get
killed and you’ll be responsible.’

Gina
hesitated. ‘You promise you won’t do anything.’

‘Like
what?’ said Doug.

‘Like
drag me into that Godforsaken hospital again. I couldn’t stand it.’

Doug’s
honest, open face belied his duplicitous intent. ‘Gina, do I look like someone
who would bullshit you?’ Gina began to edge down towards him, looking magnificent
in the morning sun, Doug thought, whereas Keith was thinking, Christ, I hope
she doesn’t roll like Smelly.

She
didn’t and between them they managed to get her intact to the ground. Rather short-sightedly
they had not agreed what to do next, but they both instinctively moved towards
her to contain her so they could begin the long journey to hospital and some
treatment.

Gina,
realising they were bearing down on her, began to scream as loud as she could,
which brought Alice out into the garden from the safety of a cartoon on TV.

‘What’s
the matter with Mum, Dad?’ she cried above the noise.

‘She’s
not well, tiddler,’ said Keith, ‘and me and Doug are going to take her to
hospital.’

Gina
screamed louder.

‘Hold
her, Doug,’ shouted Keith. ‘I’ll get some clothes.’ He ran into the house and
reappeared with her dressing gown which seemed to be the only article of
clothing they had a chance of getting her into.

‘Get in
the car, love,’ Keith said to Alice. ‘In the front.’ He turned to Doug. ‘I’ll
take Gina in the back with me, you drive, and we’ll swap if it all gets too
bad.’

‘It
fucking will get bad, you bastard,’ screamed Gina. ‘How dare you, I have my
rights, let go of me, scum.’ She tried to bite Keith who managed a body swerve
away from her jaws.

‘Can I
help?’ said a voice. It was Marie Henty who, having dropped into the village
shop and heard that Doug had gone up to the Wilsons’ cottage, had walked up to
help.

‘Oh
Jesus, so you’re in on it as well,’ said Gina through clenched teeth. ‘You
fucking witch, keep your hands off my husband.’

Marie
Henty blushed and hoped Keith hadn’t noticed. He hadn’t.

‘Just
help me get her in the back of the van, will you?’ said Keith. ‘We’re going to
the hospital.’

Keith
opened the back doors of the van and he, Gina and Marie all tumbled in
together. Doug banged them shut, put a seatbelt round Alice and the van began
its epic journey through the lanes, accompanied by much screeched abuse from
Gina and some familiar squeaking.

‘What’s
that?’ Doug asked Alice.

‘It’s
Smelly,’ said Alice. ‘I didn’t want to leave him on his own.

All
went reasonably well until they reached the outskirts of Hereford. Doug and
Alice sang along to some hits on the car radio and Keith and Marie Henty lay in
the back of Keith’s old van on some oily blankets, listening to the disordered
thought processes of Gina as she oscillated between pathetically begging them
to let her go and railing against them as if they were handmaidens of the
devil. Keith’s warm breath occasionally drifted towards Marie and she found
herself inappropriately wishing he would lean across and kiss her. She took in
the pained expression on his face and loved him all the more for it, not
realising he was desperate for a pee. Gina quietened down and as they
approached the first set of traffic lights, a strange moment of calm descended
on the little group. It was short-lived, though, as Gina, sensing a loosening
of their hold on her, gave the doors one almighty kick and made a bid for
freedom, leaving Keith and Marie clutching one arm each of her dressing gown.

Doug
saw Gina’s naked figure fly past the van and with an oath he skidded into the
side of the road and leapt out to find Marie and Keith looking nonplussed in
the back.

‘For
fuck’s sake, you two, let’s get after her,’ he roared.

For a
big bloke, Doug was really nippy on his toes. As Marie plunged towards the
pavement, the heel on her new court shoes having snapped off, he and Keith
sprinted chest to chest after the escaping Gina. Pedestrians stood transfixed
as the latter-day horseless Lady Godiva flew past them, wondering if this was
indigestion or something more sinister that had been added to their drinks at
the local.

Gina
made the mistake of running into a newsagents where the proprietor, one Reg
Meston, was having a cup of tea and perusing the sports page.

As the
door was flung open he murmured, ‘What can I get you?’ without even looking up.

‘Get me
little Teddy Fairfax or I’ll die,’ shrieked a woman’s voice and he looked up to
see a wild-eyed, naked woman flailing about near the children’s comics.

‘Bloody
hell, love, are you all right?’ said Reg but never got an answer as a fat
ginger bloke and a small wiry hippy came skidding through the door.

‘Sorry,
mate,’ said Doug, ‘we’re taking her to hospital.’

‘Be my
guest,’ said Reg, who didn’t fancy his chances against the desperate Gina.

Keith
and Doug grabbed an arm each and led Gina from the shop. Marie had followed
them in the van and she and Alice were parked outside.

Reg
went into the back room to call his wife and switched on the telly just as a
strange little man with bleached blond highlights, standing in front of a
weather map, said, ‘Good afternoon, I’m Ted Fairfax.’

‘Well I
never,’ said Reg. ‘Come ‘ere, Pat, you’ll never guess what I’ve just seen.’

The van
finally pulled up at Hereford’s one and only psychiatric hospital. Marie left
Gina pinioned by Doug and Keith in the back and Alice sucking her thumb in the
front and went to find the duty doctor. Five minutes later she appeared with a
couple of scary-looking male nurses and Gina was euphemistically ‘escorted’
inside and taken to a side room of a ward decorated in the sort of colours that
immediately bring on a deep depression.

They
were told to wait.

Eventually
what was effectively a boy dressed up as a doctor appeared and perched on the
edge of a chair.

Having
been filled in by Marie Henty, medic to medic, he turned to Gina and said,
‘Hello, I’m Dr Desmond. And what is your name, my dear?’

‘Oh,’
I’m the fucking Queen of Sheba,’ said Gina with a snarl.

Excitedly,
he scribbled ‘delusional ideas’ down on his pad.

‘And
how are you?’ he said.

‘How do
you think I am, you prick?’ said Gina.

Dr
Desmond reddened. He turned to Keith, Doug and Marie Henty ‘Perhaps it’s best
if I spend some time alone with Mrs Wilson,’ he said. ‘If you’d like to wait
outside, I’ll catch up with you soon.

They
all left the room and Doug and Marie sat uncomfortably on some institutional chairs
while Keith went out to check on Alice. She had fallen asleep on the front
seat, thumb in her mouth, and Smelly had produced an incongruously large bowel
movement on the driver’s side.

The
decision was made to admit Gina to a ward under a section of the Mental Health
Act which meant she could be detained for up to twenty-eight days. Keith was so
relieved when Dr Desmond informed him of the decision he almost began to cry.
Doug put a huge arm round him.

At
least she’s in the right place,’ he said. ‘Let’s see what some treatment can
do.’

‘Let’s
get back,’ said Marie, slightly puzzled by Keith’s emotional state. ‘You can
get some clothes and stuff for Gina, Keith, and maybe pop in and see her
tomorrow with Alice.’

A cloud
crossed Keith’s face.

‘What
is it?’ asked Marie.

‘I’ve
got to tell the Wildgoose family,’ said Keith, ‘and they weren’t best pleased
last time this happened.’ The Wildgoose family being ‘not best pleased’ was
like any other family having a homicidal rampage.

In
normal circumstances Marie would have leapt in and offered to go with Keith to
inform the Wildgoose family of the situation, but having experienced their
particular brand of shoot-’em-up social graces, she kept quiet.

They
all drove off together through glorious sunshine, the outlines of old oaks
sprouting from ancient hill forts enclosing them as they traversed the valley
Keith dropped Marie off in the village. She wanted to go home with Keith and
cook him a meal but the prospect of possibly bumping into the Wildgoose family
ensured that she didn’t suggest this option and she exited the van with a
cheery wave and an aching heart. Doug picked up his car from the lane. ‘See
you, mate,’ he said as if he and Keith had been fishing, and drove off to the
local to fend off questions about what he considered to be a private matter.
Keith, noticing that both Alice and Smelly had dropped off to sleep, luxuriated
in the very rare condition of silence. He almost felt at peace for once. As the
van rounded the corner and took a run at the steep drive to the cottage, three
figures sitting on the doorstep caused Keith to cross himself — only half in
jest. For there sat his mother-in-law, Wobbly and Bighead who was cradling a
shotgun.

‘I’ve got Alice asleep in
the van,’ Keith shouted out of the window as if this might prevent Bighead
shooting him on sight.

The
Wildgoose family rose as one and by the time Keith had turned off the engine
and got out of the van, they were standing right by him.

‘Where
is Gina?’ growled her mother.

‘Put
the gun down, Bighead,’ said Keith. ‘I can’t talk to all of you with that thing
about to take off my head.’

‘Arse
more like,’ said Bighead and he and Wobbly managed a throaty laugh.

‘Put it
down,’ said Ma Wildgoose and the gun was laid alongside a toy car and a headless
Barbie.

‘So
where is she?’ Ma Wildgoose repeated.

Keith
desperately wanted to say, ‘Oh, she’s having a pedicure at that new salon in
Hereford,’ but instead he forced out the words, ‘We’ve taken her to hospital.’

The ‘H’
word caused a dark cloud to pass across their faces and Wobbly, with his
customary head wobble, was the first to speak.

‘You’ve
never put our sister in that fucking place again, have you?’

‘Well.’
Keith hesitated, trying to form a sentence in his head that would absolve him
of all responsibility for this heinous act and enable them all to go in for a
nice cup of tea and a biscuit.

‘You
bloody ‘ave then,’ said Ma Wildgoose. ‘What did we tell you last time that
happened?’

The
exact phrase they had used was permanently seared into Keith’s grey matter so
it was not a problem to call it to mind and repeat it back to them.

‘You
said you’d have my balls off with the secateurs and hang them up in the porch
for the magpies,’ he said.

‘Exactly,’
said Ma Wildgoose. ‘Now what’s made you ignore that and put our precious Gina
in the bin?’