The New Kid at School (7 page)

Known to the Boys as:
Mordred de Miser

Dream:
Piles and piles of dragon gold

Reality:
Yet to see a single gold coin

Best-Kept Secret:
Mud wrestled under the name Macho-Man Mordie

Plans for the Future:
Will retire to the Bahamas ... as soon as he gets his hands on a hoard

Lobelia de Marvelous is Mordred’s sister and a graduate of the exclusive If-You-Can-Read-This-You-Can-Design-Clothes Fashion School. Lobelia has offered fashion advice to the likes of King Felix the Husky and Eric the Terrible Dresser. In CMLXXIX, Lobelia married the oldest living knight, Sir Jeffrey Scabpicker III. That’s when she gained the title of Lady Lobelia, but—alas!—only a very small fortune, which she wiped out in a single wild shopping spree. Lady Lobelia has graced Dragon Slayers’ Academy with many visits, and can be heard around campus saying, “Just because I live in the Middle Ages doesn’t mean I have to look middle-aged.”

Known to the Boys as:
Lady Lo Lo

Dream:
Frightfully fashionable

Best Kept Secret:
Shops at Dark-Age Discount Dress Dungeon

Plans for the Future:
New uniforms for the boys with mesh tights and lace tunics

Sir Mort is our well-loved professor of Dragon Slaying for Beginners as well as Intermediate and Advanced Dragon Slaying. Sir Mort says that, in his youth, he was known as the Scourge of Dragons. (We’re not sure what it means, but it sounds scary.) His last encounter was with the most dangerous dragon of them all: Knight-shredder. Early in the battle, Sir Mort took a nasty blow to his helmet and has never been the same since.

Known to the Boys as:
The Old Geezer

Dream:
Outstanding Dragon Slayer

Reality:
Just plain out of it

Best-Kept Secret:
He can’t remember

Plans for the Future:
Taking a little nap

Coach Plungett spent many years questing in the Dark Forest before joining the Athletic Department at DSA. When at last he strode out of the forest, leaving his dragon-slaying days behind him, Coach Plungett was the most muscle-bulging, physically fit, manliest man to be found anywhere north of Nowhere Swamp. “I am what you call a hunk,” the coach admits. At DSA, Plungett wears a number of hats—or, helmets. Besides PE Teacher, he is Slaying Coach, Square-Dance Director, Pep-Squad Sponsor, and Privy Inspector. He hopes to meet a damsel—she needn’t be in distress—with whom he can share his love of heavy metal music and long dinners by candlelight.

Known to the Boys as:
Coach

Dream:
Tough as nails

Reality:
Sleeps with a stuffed dragon named Foofoo

Best-Kept Secret:
Just pull his hair

Plans for the Future:
Finding his lost lady love

Brother Dave is the DSA librarian. He belongs to the Little Brothers of the Peanut Brittle, an order known for doing impossibly good deeds and cooking up endless batches of sweet peanut candy. How exactly did Brother Dave wind up at Dragon Slayers’ Academy? After a batch of his extra-crunchy peanut brittle left three children from Toenail toothless, Brother Dave vowed to do a truly impossible good deed. Thus did he offer to be librarian at a school world-famous for considering reading and writing a complete and utter waste of time. Brother Dave hopes to change all that.

Known to the Boys as:
Bro Dave

Dream:
Boys reading in the libary

Reality:
Boys sleeping in the library

Best-Kept Secret:
Uses Cliff’s Notes

Plans for the Future:
Copying out all the lyrics to “Found a Peanut” for the boys

Professor Pluck graduated from Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers Prep, and went on to become a professor of Science at Dragon Slayers’ Academy. His specialty is the Multiple Choice Pop Test. The boys who take Dragon Science, Professor Pluck’s popular class,