The New Naked: The Ultimate Sex Education for Grown-Ups (26 page)

The fact that they haven’t divorced each other after thirty years together tells me that they both want to hang on. I firmly believe that they can work this out, but it’s not going to be easy. Ideally, they’ll find a solution to the sex issue that will be satisfying for both, and they’ll be able to look back on this period as the challenging time that, ultimately, brought them closer together.

Desire is such an evocative word. It makes me think of all the things I desire: the touch of my wife’s hand, the sound of my children’s laughter, good health, a chocolate-covered donut, a fierce tennis game (that I win), my friendships, and the satisfaction of knowing I am helping my patients.

And desire in bed, too, of course. For me, sexual desire is all about making sure that both of us are satisfied.

More than that, desire isn’t just about a sexual craving for your lover, about his kisses and his hands on your skin and your time in bed together. It means you care about your partner—and that you demonstrably
show
that you care. “Would it kill you to be nice?” one of my friends’ moms used to say to us when we were little kids horsing around. She drove me crazy at the time, but there’s a lot of wisdom in those words. It’s so much easier to show your desire for your partner, to be nice, than to be nasty or forgetful, or to take someone you love for granted.

Let me give you a rather blunt example from a couple who called in to my radio show.

“She never wants to have sex with me anymore! We’ve only been married for five years, and it’s not right, I tell ya. It’s not fair. It doesn’t matter what I say to her. I’m going crazy,” said the husband.

“Let me hear what your wife has to say,” I told him. As I’ve said before, if a man isn’t getting any sex, there’s always a valid reason.

“I’ll tell you why he isn’t getting any,” said his wife as soon as she got on the air. “Do you know how fat and disgusting he is?” she asked. “He’s like a hundred pounds overweight, never takes a shower, doesn’t care what he looks like, doesn’t care about his health, doesn’t care how worried I am about him, nothing. So he has some nerve complaining about me not having sex with him when he’s a big, fat, stinking slob.
And I am not going to bed with a man who’s a slob!
”

The husband got very silent. Then he hung up.

Really, what could he say to that—except maybe, “I’m so sorry, honey. I’m going to start taking better care of myself, not just for you, but for me. And I’m jumping in the shower right now.”

But clearly he wasn’t ready to say that.

The verdict on this marriage: doomed to fall into the recrimination trap (which can look a lot like quicksand) unless he does the work to make his wife desire him. His slovenly ways made him so physically unappealing that his wife’s libido took an understandable plunge. And he realizes that just because he desires
her
doesn’t mean he deserves her desire in return.

I’ve seen so many couples in my office that I’ve become good at placing them on the “How Much We Desire Each Other” scale. I’m not being glib about this, because most of these couples are enduring a stressful situation. They might be suffering from infertility and desperate to have a baby. The woman might be more desperate for this baby than the husband. Or perhaps he’s affected by a medical condition, such as a serious type of sexual dysfunction.

Tipping the scales into perfect balance are couples who are stressed yet who still desire each other. They show this in subtle yet telling ways. They sit close to each other. They hold hands, not just because they’re nervous, but because they want to touch the other. They look at each other when one of them is talking, or they finish each other’s sentences, not because one is interrupting, but because they’re so good at knowing what he or she is going to say. They smile and nod and murmur words of encouragement. They’re in sync.

So whatever their problem is, I know they’ll work with me as a team to get it fixed.

A couple stuck at a lower end of the “Desire Each Other” scale shows it, too. They fold their arms. They don’t look at each other, or if they do, it’s with frustration or anger. The man often looks out the window or sneaks peeks at his cell phone. They interrupt each other. They pick a fight. Their scale is tipping so badly to one side that it’s nearly broken. They’re in trouble, and I know it.

What I tell these couples is that, if they’re committed to making their relationship work, they need to become better at expressing their needs.

And they need to start with LSD. Listening and feeling secure, which will lead to desire.

With it, they can find happiness again. Without it, their future as a couple is at risk.

When was the last time you told your partner how much you desired him or her? Not just “I love you” or “I like you” or “Thank you for picking the kids up from soccer practice.”

I mean, when was the last time you called your partner and said, “Honey, I can’t wait ’til the kids go to bed tonight because all I want is to be with you”? Something original and different.

If you’re like most couples who are stuck in a rut, it’s been a long time since this desire was openly expressed. Yet adding desire into your daily routine is simple to do. And a little bit goes a long way toward making your partner not only happy and secure, but flooded with desire for you, too.

Here’s what to do:

Even when you know what you want to say, it’s often difficult to say it, especially if you’re not sure about the reaction. I’ve found that it’s much easier to communicate when you write things down.

Just as you did with the “I Need Five Things during Sex” list, follow these steps and create a new “Five Things I Desire” list. (This strategy is so effective that it’s worth using for any similar situation.)

• Get a pad of paper and a pen or pencil. Again, don’t type on a keyboard—
  write
  . The personal act of writing will make you feel more invested in this list, which in turn will make you more likely to act on it. (Hello, better relationship and better sex!)
  

• Draw a line down the middle.
  

• At the top of the left-side column, write “What I Love about You.”
  

• At the top of the right-side column, write “What I Desire from You.” (Or “What I’d Like You to Do to Me in Bed.” Tweak it as needed.)
  

• List as least three things in each column. Five is better.
  

• Be clear in your mind exactly what you want to communicate with your partner. This way, you’re being completely honest about your desires and reinforcing them with what you love about him, too.
  

• Be as brief and concrete as possible. That means using as few words as you can to still make your point. Men tune out quickly, so if you’re not specific, they’re not going to get it.
  

• Ask your partner to do his own list.
  

• Read each other’s lists in an environment where you won’t be interrupted. I always tell my patients to go out to dinner and do this. You’ll be in a relaxed environment away from your regular stresses.
  

Or sometimes I have couples do this in my office. I’ve never seen it fail.

“Oh, you feel that way about me?” is what I’ll hear.

Or, “You really want that? I had no idea!”

When I hear that, I know there’s going to be a lot of great sex that night!

Now that you’ve made your desires clear, it’s time to act on them. For example:

• First thing to do in the morning, whisper some sweet nothing in your partner’s ear.
  

• Write notes on Post-its and stash them in secret places in your partner’s briefcase, lunch bag, purse—whatever they bring to work—to give them a little naughty surprise. (Make sure your notes aren’t not too revealing, in case someone at work spies them!)
  

• Text your partner during the day. Say, “Thinking of you,” or “Love you,” or “Can’t wait to get home” or “See you soon.” Use emoticons that you know make your partner laugh.
  

• Don’t expect replies.
  

• Send a private tweet. (It’s short, so you don’t have to be clever.)
  

• Pick up the phone, say something sweet, and hang up.
  

• Make a random compliment about something you never compliment. (Just be sincere!)
  

Believe me, your partner will get the message very quickly. Then he will start taking the lead.

What’s so brilliant about this kind of desire-making is how little effort it takes. I mean, really little. A few seconds of time will reap hours of pleasure in bed later.

Just remember that there’s a fine line between showing your partner how much you are thinking about him or her, and your partner thinking you are overdoing it for some reason. Have fun with this, but don’t go too crazy, especially if your partner is having a busy time at work.

Once you and your partner get into the habit of acknowledging your love and desire for each other—because that’s what this is all about, after all—you will find yourself doing this to all those who are important in your orbit. It’s a great habit to have for life.

Acting on your desires is only part of what keeps couples happy. You need to ensure that this desire is always fresh and fun. Sometimes you’ll crave the comfortable, tried-and-true sexual behavior that you know brings forth satisfying orgasms. And sometimes, you’ll want to spice things up by getting inventive.

Joe and his wife, Alice, came to see me. I could tell Alice was not happy. On the “How Much We Desire Each Other” scale, the tipping-off point was about to be reached. Their once-robust sex life had dwindled to practically nothing, and when they did make love, Joe made demands that Alice didn’t like.

“All he wants to do is watch pornography, and he treats me like his own personal porn star who’s supposed to do whatever he says and
love
it,” she told me as they both sat in my office. “So how do we get around that?” I asked. “One simple word:
Compromise
.”

Alice and Joe looked at each other warily.

“Joe, let me ask you. What would you like to watch?” I said. “What would please you the most?

“Well, maybe she could dress up a little bit,” he said.