The New Naked: The Ultimate Sex Education for Grown-Ups (22 page)

I think it’s incredibly sad—and ironic—that most men avoid talking with other men about the topics they really need to communicate on. They find their concerns, especially if they have to do with erectile problems or infertility or their libido, too embarrassing or shameful to bring up. They don’t know how to get started. They walk into my office with such fear and trepidation that I really feel for them. After I make them feel safe enough to open up, they walk out feeling relieved and reassured that their fears were acknowledged and their concerns understood.

They also often have learned the value of having a conversation about a difficult topic without being interrupted or dismissed.

But if these guys don’t have a doctor like me to talk to, who will they talk to?

I always encourage men to talk to a brother, a father, a best friend, a physician, or a clergy member about what they’re going through. It is comforting to be heard and helpful to air your feelings away from your partner. Tell your partner I said so. Once he starts opening up about his own challenges, he’ll discover that getting it all out can be refreshing and liberating.

They never want to hear the blunt truth about how they look, unless they specifically ask him to be blunt. And even then, be very careful.

If a man says, “That dress looks a little tight on you,” or “Have you gained a few extra pounds?” bullets will come after him.

It may seem obvious, but many guys don’t get this. Gently but firmly let him know that he cannot ever tell a woman she looks fat. Women are not looking for honesty; they’re looking for reassurance that they’re still attractive and appealing.

Teach the man in your life how to give compliments that may skirt the truth yet are not flat-out lies. (The latter can be patronizing or demeaning, especially if a woman knows they’re said just for the sake of giving a compliment.)

A woman will nearly always be flabbergasted (and thrilled, of course) if a man tells her, “You smell delicious.” Or, “I love that dress. It really suits you.”

This is an incredibly simple technique that reaps enormous rewards. Why? Because a sincere compliment shows that a man noticed something unique about a woman, that he thought about it, and that he took the time to tell her that he noticed. It also makes a woman happy that he appreciates her appearance, making her feel more confident and sexy. That glow can last all the way into the bedroom.

As hard as it can be for women to admit sometimes, they aren’t always perfect communicators—even when they might think they are (but don’t worry—nobody is!). Often, the larger issue for women is that they think they’ve expressed their needs well when they haven’t. In other words, they shouldn’t expect their partners to be able to read their minds.

If you want or need something from your partner who you feel never listens to you, try some of these strategies:

• Find a time to talk when he isn’t deeply preoccupied with something. For example, don’t try to bring up something you feel is important to discuss during the Super Bowl or after he’s had a terrible day at work (unless it’s an emergency that truly can’t wait).
  

• Speak up and speak simply. State your point right away. Don’t use a lot of sentences when one or two will suffice.
  

• Don’t give a long preamble or make excuses. Just cut to the chase.
  

• Even better, stick to just a sentence or two. Every man can pay attention for one sentence. After that, he may start checking out. And if he checks out and you know that he’s checked out, you will find that infuriating. A conversation that could have been short and sweet and productive turns into an avoidable “You never listen to me” argument. And I know you don’t want that to happen!
  

• If you think he still hasn’t gotten the point that you made in one sentence, repeat it. With the same short sentence. This is key, especially for men. Whenever I give a lecture, I repeat my main point three times—at the beginning, in the middle, and at the end. I tell everyone what I’m going to talk about; I bring it up again in the middle; and I recap it at the end. The repetition helps to make the point stick. Expressing your needs to your partner is the same thing. State your needs, be concrete, and don’t be shy about repeating if you need to (as long as it doesn’t turn into a long, drawn-out nag that defeats the purpose of the conversation).
  

Jackie and Andrew were a perfect example of this. They sat in my office glaring at each other. Or rather, she was glaring at him and he was busy looking out the window. (Does this sound familiar?)

Jackie shrugged and looked at the floor, embarrassed. Andrew yawned. I knew what that meant. It meant that neither of them knew how to talk about sex.

As soon as she said that, Andrew’s eyes lit up and he eagerly turned to her.

Jackie nodded, and the floodgates opened. They were then able to talk about their needs and desires and fantasies. I knew that they’d be having a lot of fun together later that night—and in the years to come. Jackie realized she couldn’t blame Andrew for not making her happy when she wasn’t able to tell him
what
would make her happy!

Remember, keep it simple and keep it positive. Don’t tell him, “You don’t know what you’re doing. I told you to do it this way last week. You’re not listening to me,” because that will deflate a man quicker than a punctured beach ball. He will tune out and get defensive.

Instead, say, “I love it when you _______.” Such as, “I love it when you take charge,” or “I love it when you let me get on top.”

Delicate topics are never easy to bring up. This is something I deal with daily in my practice, and it’s an important aspect of how I
treat my patients. When I was younger, doctors kept secrets from their patients, and patients often kept secrets from their loved ones. Cancer often wasn’t mentioned even when people were dying, for example, which deprived those sufferers of the chance to deal with their mortality and put their house in order. And as you know, secrets are lethal in any relationship.

When I have bad news for a patient, I never come out and say, “You have Stage IV prostate cancer, and your chances for survival are slim.” Instead, I say, “I have the pathology results, and six of the twelve markers show cancer, but cancer can be treated. There are plenty of options, and we’re going to explore all of them. I’m here for you, so let’s talk about it.” That’s much easier to handle, and it still tackles the real issue. Otherwise, the person’s anxiety becomes unbearable and that can be harmful to them, too.

Whenever you bring up a delicate topic, don’t just present the problem. Be ready with solutions—even if you’re not sure they’re going to work. A solution can be as simple as handing him this book and saying, “Here, take a look at what Dr. Fisch is saying about this issue. I’m so relieved that it’s nothing too serious and we can work on it together.”

When delicate topics are unavoidable, these tips should help:

• Try to avoid this discussion when either of you is very tired or very stressed. It will always go better if you’ve both had a decent day, and you’re not hungry or frustrated or exhausted. An ideal time is when you’re out to dinner and able to talk to each other without interruptions.
  

• Think of setting up the conversation as the foreplay of the delicate topic.
  

• Men are concrete thinkers. That means you need to prepare for a delicate conversation with the facts. Do your research ahead of time. For example, if his problem is premature ejaculation, do some reading (like in this book!) so you know how common it is, which will help you with the conversation. Then you can say, “Dr. Fisch said that _______, and I agree with him.”
  

• If you need help remembering what to say, write it all down and refer to your notes. Don’t tackle more than one or two issues at a time. Then say, “Honey, I’ve been thinking about this, and I wrote down what I think would make our lives fantastic.”
  

• Don’t go into a long explanation first. Come right out and say it quickly. Cut to the chase, such as, “By the way, I was thinking…things could be fantastic in bed, and here’s a way to make our sex lives more fantastic.” Then tell him what it is. That is a much better strategy than saying, “Our sex life stinks.”
  

• Always be positive.
  

• Frame the conversation with compliments. If, for example, he’s been perfunctory at best in bed lately, say, “Sex is the barometer of a relationship, and I think the sex we have could be better.” Or, “I read in Dr. Fisch’s book that a different sex position might be a lot of fun. I would like to have sex this way, so let’s try it.”
  

• Don’t put off the conversation. Nobody wants to hurt someone else’s feelings, especially those of your partner. But if something is wrong and you don’t spell it out, it can’t be fixed!
  

Sometimes, men just need an opening. Like Robert. He had an affair, regretted it, and went to counseling to see if he could repair his marriage. I asked him, “Did you tell the therapist how often you have sex with your wife?”

“I haven’t had it in a year,” he said.

“So did you tell this to the therapist?”

“No.”

“What are you waiting for?” I encouraged him. “Bring it up!”

That opened the floodgates. Robert confessed to straying because, in large part, he’d been so sexually frustrated but didn’t know how to talk about it. His wife didn’t realize how important sex was for him as they’d gradually stopped having it over the years and she thought he just didn’t want it anymore. Neither of them ever brought it up. If they hadn’t finally talked about it, they might have gotten divorced over a lack of communication, not because they really wanted to.

Now that you have some strategies for teaching your partner how to listen, take a look at these “he said, she said” conversations and see if you recognize yourself in any of these patterns. Be honest. I know that I can talk like this. A lot.
Everyone
talks like this from time to time. We can’t help it—it’s just human nature. But if you find that one of these is your pattern—or if you partner agrees that this is his pattern—at least you both know it. You’re aware.

That’s great. Acknowledging what you aren’t doing well is the first step toward figuring out how to fix things.

Bill and Ashley have been together for a year and are both happy sexually, but they always seem to disagree—and the fighting can sometimes be juvenile. For instance, sometimes Bill pulls Ashley’s ponytail while she’s driving or calls her a booger or fart face. Ashley is getting fed up with his juvenile attitude, especially because he blows her off when she tells him to cut it out.

Their pattern:
Ashley asks Bill not to do something, and he doesn’t listen. He does it anyway. He thinks his need to be cute is more important than her asking him to stop it. He doesn’t understand why it bothers her so much when he likes it and thinks it’s funny.

My advice:
Bill’s insecurities are lending a juvenile tinge to his behavior, and I have to wonder why he feels compelled to do this. Often it’s because the person is insecure about something or uncomfortable talking about some issue. Of course, some women like being treated this way, but Ashley had made it abundantly clear that she is not one of them. The dynamic that exists now may be impossible to change, in which case they may both be better off in another relationship. But it’s equally possible that this
could be one of those crisis points that can lead to new insight, changed behavior, and a better relationship.

I think Bill is having trouble listening and talking openly about how he feels. He hides behind the cutesy crap because he doesn’t feel comfortable having normal communication about adult subjects. Bill’s juvenile way of communicating shows contempt for his partner’s sincerity, maturity, and feelings. This is a bad sign for the future of the relationship. Bill needs to try acting more romantic and grown-up. He can start by telling Ashley how much he loves and cherishes her, and he can say it with conviction. Then perhaps she’ll stop seeing him as an immature little brother, and more as her protector and source of security.

If Bill can learn to take Ashley’s feelings seriously, listen to her honestly, and talk openly and maturely about his own feelings, there is hope for them. But they both have to be willing to communicate. Stop with the name-calling and hair-pulling. If Bill likes to use terms of endearment, they should decide on one together that Ashley likes hearing. Anything will be better than booger or fart face!

Alexandra and Roberto have been married for twelve years and have three children. They are a perfect example of a couple in which each person has strong feelings about what they want, but they don’t know how find a middle ground. As a result, Roberto has stopped listening to Alexandra because he’s convinced she won’t ever give in, and they’re both angry and frustrated. I asked them how often they wanted to have sex.