Read The New Naked: The Ultimate Sex Education for Grown-Ups Online
Authors: Harry Fisch,Karen Moline
Tags: #Self-Help, #Sexual Instruction, #Health & Fitness, #Sexuality
Aside from leading to sexual dysfunction, porn can make men and women feel totally inadequate. The bodies on view are gleaming and perfectly toned. There’s seemingly no mess, no muss, no wet spots on the sheets afterward. A man can pump and pump and pump, and the woman receives him with (alleged) ecstasy. She has no problem swallowing anything. She encourages him to act out in ways that you or your partner might find out of control or
offensive. He has no problem sustaining an erection. They both have an orgasm in perfect synchronicity.
But the vast majority of this is fake or completely unviable. Porn sets you up to be disappointed no matter what. Adults who have had decent sexual experiences with loving sexual partners will be able to laugh off the moans and groans and pneumatically enhanced body parts because they realize how disconnected porn is from reality.
What’s dangerous is that those with less sexual experience might not. When they watch, they’re dissociating from reality. Because porn implants a certain idealized notion of what sex is “supposed to be,” it can create unrealistic expectations. These can be very hurtful for anyone who doesn’t manage to measure up (as if you’d want to!).
Dear Dr. Fisch: I Can’t Have Sex Unless the Porn Is On
Dear Dr. Fisch,
I’ve been married to my wife, Sonia, for more than seventeen years and I love her very much. We have had a good marriage, but the problem is I know I’m addicted to porn. I’m really scared that Sonia is going to leave me. I can’t say I blame her. For the last couple of years, I can’t have sex with her unless the porn is on. She hates it but she puts up with it because she loves me. But she’s finally reached the point where she can’t stand it anymore, and she’s about to pack her stuff and go. I need help. What should I do?
Signed, Need Porn Rehab
Dear Need Porn Rehab,
You already know you need to make a decision. Which do you want more in your life: your wife or pornography? You have to pick, right now, or you will lose her. Sonia is going to leave you if you keep doing what you’re doing.
Watching porn as a couple can sometimes spice up a couple’s sex life, but both of you need to be into it. Excessive porn-watching is like excessive drinking or gambling. It’s an obsession and a compulsion, and incredibly harmful to your health and to your relationship.
What you have to do first is admit that you have a problem. Denial is a killer. Then you have to be honest about porn’s effect on you and on your partner. Next, you need to do something else. Have sex with Sonia without porn, for starters. Then find something to occupy yourself during the time you usually spent watching porn. Just as smokers need to find something to do with their hands when they quit—drinking coffee, chewing gum, or eating (which is why ex-smokers often gain weight), you need to find a better substitute. Luckily, you already have one lying next to you every night.
If you pick porn instead of your wife—and I sincerely hope you don’t—then your issues are beyond the scope of this book, and you and Sonia need to see a therapist to help you work things out. Look for one who specializes in addiction treatment. During
your sessions, you will be encouraged to talk candidly about your behavior, fears, hurt, and anger. The therapist’s role is as a neutral referee.
Being able to talk honestly can improve communication and intimacy. It’ll take some time to repair the damage that’s been done, but if you’re both serious about making it work, you’ll be able to get through this and have enjoyable, real sex again.
I’m often asked if watching porn is emotional “cheating.”
I wouldn’t say it’s
cheating
, because your partner is not having a physical relationship with another human being. But I would say that it’s an emotional
impediment
. If, for example, your partner tells you he’s going to go read while you’re doing something in another area of the house and you walk into the room twenty minutes later to find him watching porn, you have an issue that needs to be discussed. And if your sex life undergoes any changes due to his porn habit, action needs to be taken.
So I understand why I’m asked this question. It’s easy to worry that your partner doesn’t love you any more if you suspect he’s fantasizing about someone else during sex. Or that he’s sizing you up and finding you wanting, no matter how much he denies that.
Still, a lot of men would rather masturbate to pornography than go through the work of maintaining a deep and loving emotional connection to their real, live partner. The irony is that men really want to have intimate relationships. That’s what human beings do. We’re social creatures, and we need love and companionship. Of the thousands of men I’ve seen in my practice, I can think of only
a handful who are “confirmed bachelors” and really don’t want to settle down and live with a woman.
But as you know, it’s easy to fall in love or lust. It’s a lot harder and takes a lifetime of determination—to follow the guidelines you’ll read about in
Part II
—to maintain a wonderful, loving, stable, thriving, and endlessly evolving relationship. Men who don’t want to do the work, or who need to address their deepseated fears and insecurities about relationships, and the men who choose to use porn erode or evade these connections.
Dear Dr. Fisch: I Found Porn on My Husband’s Computer
Dear Dr. Fisch,
Can you help me? I am freaking out. Yesterday, I found a lot of porn on my husband’s computer. Justin told me I was overreacting, but he’s full of it. We haven’t had sex in a while, like maybe twice a month, and he admitted he masturbates when he watches the porn. Of course I’m wondering if his cache of porn might have something to do with why we’re not having sex. Justin denies it, but I don’t know what to believe.
Signed, Rated R, Not NC-17
Dear Rated R, Not NC-17,
How do you know when your partner is looking at too much porn? When it starts affecting your relationship. I’d say that’s the case here. Having a great sex life is all about communication. A man who’s
busy watching porn rather than being with you is never going to be able to communicate with you, and you’ll never have great sex with one another, if you don’t take action. You guys are only having sex twice a month, and Justin is admitting that he masturbates to the porn. That’s not great sex. That’s masturbating sex for him and no sex for you!
Try establishing a schedule around when you’d like to have sex. Pick two days a week that are set aside just for intimacy, not for porn. This means Justin can’t watch porn on those days. Make sure you really plug into what each of you wants in bed.
I’m sure you have certain fantasies you’d like Justin to project onto you, so go ahead and explore these fantasies without indulging in porn. If you want Justin to make you dinner, he should do this. If you want foreplay, I’m sure he’ll accommodate this, too. Or if he wants you to dress a certain way, be open to his suggestions.
Porn addiction is like any other addiction. It can easily ruin the addict’s life and the lives of those around him. It can cause your partner to morph from a reliable, responsible, emotionally connected man to someone you don’t recognize anymore. It can cause intense shame and despair, because admitting to a sexual compulsion is extremely difficult, more so than with drug or alcohol addiction, because it’s considered far less acceptable. Porn addiction can be so all-encompassing that it can cause your partner to lose his job; if he is publicly exposed, even worse for him and his family.
How does anyone get over a porn addiction? It’s not easy but it is doable. Have your partner try these steps first:
Take a break from the physical habit of watching porn. Turn off all devices with porn stashed on them, and destroy or throw away any hard copies of porn on DVDs.
Try to schedule something absorbing during the time you usually spend watching it. If you can take a short trip, great. (Just don’t turn on the TV in your hotel room, where porn is available.) Even better if you have children along because you won’t want to be watching porn with them nearby. Or do additional chores around the house (like the long-overdue garage cleaning, painting, or gardening—something that is physical and impossible to do around electronic devices).
Try not to masturbate for a few days. Then you should be much more ready to have satisfying sex with your female partner.
Talk about how much you love each other, and how much you cherish the emotional aspects of your sexual relationship so you can refocus on the qualities of your partner that you first were attracted to. Act the way you did when you were first courting—I’ll bet porn was not part of the equation then. This way, your desire will build naturally so that you both can enjoy the pleasure of real sex and leave the virtual sex to the robots.
If this doesn’t work because your partner is truly addicted or unwilling to discuss the matter with you, or both, you should consult professional help. Look for a sex therapist experienced with
porn addiction and sexual dysfunction. Be prepared for the addict to have a hard time. If addictions were easy to kick, there wouldn’t be any addicts.
Dear Dr. Fisch: Porn Is My Girlfriend
Dear Dr. Fisch,
I’m thirty-six and addicted to porn. I watch it every chance I can get
—
at home and on my cell phone even when I’m out in public and someone can see it accidentally. I’ve dated a lot so I’m not really lonely, but I’ve never had a serious relationship, which I’d like to do. What can I do to cut porn out of my life to achieve that?
Signed, Dial P for Porn
Dear Dial P for Porn,
First of all, I’m glad you’ve admitted that you have a problem with porn. That’s the first step to solving it. The reason you’ve never had a serious relationship with a woman is because you’re already in a relationship with porn. It sounds like porn has taken over most aspects of your life, so there’s little room for much else. You say you’re not lonely, but I’m doubtful that’s the full truth. Most men your age have already been in a relationship deeper than just casual dating or hook-ups.
You’ve already taken the first step toward dealing with your addiction by being honest about it. Next, it’s time to get help. Addictions like this are hard to beat
on your own, but with professional help, you can overcome them. So I strongly advise you to see a healthcare professional with expertise in sex addiction.
If it makes you feel better, you are not alone in this. Did you know that porn addiction is the
number one issue
that sex therapists deal with? This realization will also help if you want to develop a social network—there are support groups for people struggling with sex addictions that can really help. And, at least for a while, you may have to get rid of any porn videos, programs, websites, and apps on your computer, cell phone, or tablets so you don’t get tempted to open them again.
You can do this. Get the help you need to beat this addiction, restore your self-confidence, and get your life back, and then you’ll be able to have a strong and committed relationship with a woman who’ll love you back.
Watching porn and masturbating is the sexual equivalent of fast food. It’s instant gratification, and it’s fine once in a while when you’re craving some french fries or nachos smothered in that fake, orange cheese goop, but for nourishment? Forget about it.
Having great sex with a partner you love is the equivalent of a five-course meal cooked by a master chef. Creating and serving the meal is going to take a lot more work. But it’s going to entice all your senses. It’s going to smell and taste delicious. It’s going to make you feel terrific (unless you’re like me and feel guilty for
eating a huge slab of cheesecake for dessert!). Eating it is going to be a lot more fun and a lot more memorable.
Once a man understands the potential consequences of eating a lot of fast food laden with salt and fat and sugar, he knows that it will make him sick. I hope that men addicted to porn will also realize that watching actors and actresses pretending to have pleasurable sex can make him, his partner, and his relationship sick, too.
Take this quiz, and if the answers stack up, you already know what’s going on. I haven’t met a woman yet who was wrong when her gut told her something shady was going on with her partner.
QUIZ
IS HE HAVING AN AFFAIR?
□
Does he suddenly want a lot more or a lot less sex (when there are no compelling reasons for this, such as illness or stress)?
□
Is he working unusually late or taking more business trips than usual?
□
Is he incommunicado for long periods?
□
Does he spend an inordinate amount of time on the computer or other devices?
□
Has he suddenly become more interested in working out and losing weight (when he might have balked before)?
□
Is he wearing a new cologne or suddenly paying attention to scent or a grooming routine?
□
Is he shaving more often than he usually does?
□
Has he expressed interest in changing his wardrobe all of a sudden, with no clear reason?
□
Does he mention wanting to take up a new hobby, again with no clear reason for it?
□
Is he overly affectionate or far more affectionate than normal (and it feels fake)?
□
Is he finding fault with everything you do, all of a sudden?
□
Do you feel like snooping through his papers and email because you don’t trust him?
□
Does he look secretive when the phone rings, or is his cell phone behavior unusual?
□
If you ask him point blank whether he’s cheating, does he get really angry and defensive?