Read The New Naked: The Ultimate Sex Education for Grown-Ups Online
Authors: Harry Fisch,Karen Moline
Tags: #Self-Help, #Sexual Instruction, #Health & Fitness, #Sexuality
If you answered yes to many (or hopefully not all) of the questions in this quiz, it’s time to get tough with yourself because the issues and your fears about them are highly unlikely to go away on their own.
I had this conversation with an acquaintance when he confessed his cheating ways to me not long ago.
“Who answers the phone at your house?” he asked me.
“Anyone but me,” I said with a laugh. “I hate to answer the phone, and I know someone’s going to pick it up.”
“Well,” he said smugly. “The guys having the affairs are the first ones to pick up the phone. They might be afraid someone’s calling that they don’t want their wives to know about.”
Of course, now that everyone is hardwired to their cell phones, a man who’s cheating can simply buy a prepaid cell phone to cover his tracks, right? Digital technology has made it easier than ever to cheat. Worried about a mistress calling the house? Get a prepaid phone that is virtually untraceable. Worried about how to meet someone who is discreet? Go to websites like
www.ashleymadison.com
, whose motto is “Life is short. Have an affair.” Or go on regular dating websites and lie about your marital status. It happens all the time.
And it isn’t just men cheating on women. Recent studies have shown that 45 to 55 percent of married women and 50 to 60 percent of married men have extramarital sex at some point during their relationship. And that’s just for married couples. Couples who aren’t married are even more likely to have an affair.
As Jerry Lee Lewis said, there’s a “whole lotta shakin’ goin’ on.”
So why do people cheat? “The bottom line regarding infidelity is that men are cheating on their wives primarily for sexual reasons, while women are cheating on their husbands for emotional reasons,” said Ruth Houston, infidelity expert and author of
Is He Cheating on You? 829 Telltale Signs.
My take on it is that men cheat because it’s easy, it’s quick, and it gives them a thrill. It reaffirms some men’s masculinity, and others have narcissistic tendencies that make them feel they can do whatever they want without consequences, simply because it makes them feel physically good (if only in the moment of instant gratification). In other words, men often cheat because they can
when the opportunities arise. Women cheat because something is lacking in their relationship—closeness and intimacy, time together, LSD (listening, security, and desire)—or because something has been done to them. For example, they’ve been cheated on or have experienced withdrawal by a partner.
Cheating always raises a complicated welter of emotions. These are extremely painful emotions triggered by betrayal, lying, dishonesty, duplicity, unexpected feelings for another, and sexual difficulties.
Luckily, many of the issues that can cause so much frustration in relationships and that can lead to cheating are preventable (especially once you and your partner master the LSD you’ll read about in
Part II
). It’s so prevalent and you may know many couples who’ve done it, but that doesn’t mean cheating has to become part of your world, too.
Some couples can use cheating as the wake-up call they need to finally assess and deal with the good, bad, and ugly in their relationship. Maybe the cheating was done out of boredom or anger or curiosity. Maybe it was just a stupid, selfish mistake in the moment that caused intense guilt and shame and will never be repeated. Couples who can get everything out in the open and deal with duplicity with honesty and courage can sometimes manage to push past the pain, forgive, and move on to a stronger and more loving relationship.
Just as I’m often asked if porn viewing is emotional cheating, so am I asked if cybersex is cheating.
Cybersex is cranking online porn up a notch, because during
a cybersex session, the participants are having virtual encounters with each other, via a computer or other device, to send and receive sexually explicit messages or images. This usually includes masturbation by one or more participants who get turned on by these conversations and images.
While cybersex is physically safer than real sex—no touching, no diseases, no getting caught if you’re in a restaurant or club or hotel—it still involves a lot of thinking, talking, and acting out with another person. So whether cybersex is actually “cheating” depends on your personal definition of “cheating.” Is it physical cheating? No. Is it an emotional
impediment
, a word I referred to earlier in this lesson, or is it emotional cheating?
My take on this is that anyone who is having live encounters with another person, whether online or in the flesh, is involved in some degree of “cheating.”
I don’t necessarily consider it “cheating” if you fantasize about other people while you’re masturbating. Many people do that, both men and women. However, lots of the men I talk to use that notion as a diving board to launch themselves into the cybersex pool. They rationalize their cyber sessions as being merely a bit more
juicy
because they’re masturbating in real time to a real person—but still someone who is a “stranger” and with whom they don’t have an emotional attachment. Or so they claim.
And that’s when the problems start. What started out as a diversion can quickly shift into a more complicated relationship, especially if the cybersex sessions become more frequent and more graphic and more demanding. (I’m not even going into the possibility of getting caught sexting on a work phone or computer, which can wreak havoc on professional reputations.) Having fantasies
about the cyber object of affection can interfere with regular sex with a partner as well, if not make it impossible. That’s when the
impediment
has become full-blown emotional
cheating
.
Dear Dr. Fisch: What Really Counts as Cheating?
Dear Dr. Fisch,
I’m thirty and so is my husband, Walter. We’ve been married for seven years and have four young children. I want to know what counts as cheating. I think cheating should include things like texting and social media like Facebook, as well as sexual infidelity. Walter doesn’t agree. He tells me that since he’s more experienced sexually—because he used to “cheat” on his other girlfriends before we got married—he knows what cheating is.
He says that having sex with another woman is the only thing that counts as cheating. But I know he’s still sending emails and texts and Facebook friending and messaging other women all the time, even though he thinks I don’t know this. He can spend hours doing it on weekends when he should be with me and the children. I am very worried that this is going to ruin our marriage and that Walter is ready to walk out the door to be with one of these women he says he’s not involved with. So who’s right?
Signed, Want to Go Offline
Dear Want to Go Offline,
First, something is very wrong with a husband who is messaging other women behind his wife’s back. People think cheating is just having sex, but emotional cheating is very real, and I’m afraid Walter has a bad case of it. He needs to understand that his communicating with other women is still a form of a relationship. He can deny it all he wants, but what he’s doing is cheating. And you’re right, because this can be a marriage-wrecker if it continues much longer.
Walter needs to man up and take responsibility for being a good husband as well as a good dad. A man who is cheating emotionally can destroy his family just like a man who’s cheating physically can. Believe me, the kids know when there’s tension in the house and Mommy and Daddy aren’t getting along.
Kids grow up fast. Walter isn’t going to want to look back ten years from now and realize that he missed their childhoods and doesn’t know his own kids because he was too busy having virtual relationships with women other than his wife. Or that they’re angry and resentful at him for all the problems his selfishness caused the family. He needs to think about what kind of role model he wants to be for them.
Walter also needs to disengage from what is clearly a social-media addiction. If he’s spending an inordinate amount of time online, as you said he was, then he’s addicted. It’s his drug of choice right now. And if any kind of addiction causes a problem in a
relationship—and this one clearly does—it’s time to give it up.
He also needs to listen to and acknowledge your hurt feelings, and how he’s making you feel vulnerable and insecure. Show him the facts in this book!
You have the right to know that your husband is going to be there for you emotionally, physically, and financially. In this particular situation, he needs to tell you that, yes, you are correct that he is “cheating.” Whether he likes it or not, he’s emotionally involved with these other women, and if this marriage is going to be saved, he needs to cut it out and cut them off.
I think you both would benefit from couples’ counseling. Having four children in seven years can stress out any couple, no matter how loving the marriage. But managing the stress and the worries isn’t a license for a man to run away from his responsibilities by cyber-chatting with other women.
Here’s how to never get a sexually transmitted infection (STI): Never have sex.
Or, during your entire life, only have sex with one partner, who is a virgin the first time you have sex.
Or, insist on going with any partner to have a full blood workup to check for all communicable diseases prior to having sex, so you can verify the results.
Now that those fairly unlikely ideas are out of the way, here’s
a more helpful hint: Always use protection unless you are certain that your partner is disease-free.
STIs are on the rise. The American Sexual Health Association has some sobering statistics on its website (
www.ashastd.org/std-sti/std-statistics.html
). They claim that “more than half of all people will have an STD/STI at some point in their lifetime.” And that “recent estimates from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) show that there are 19.7 million new STIs every year in the United States.” That is an awful lot of bad news and devastated people.
What’s even more worrying is that STIs are often asymptomatic, which is one of the reasons they can spread so easily. Some are irritating but don’t put your health at risk. Herpes, for example is relatively benign and highly treatable with medication, unless you are pregnant, as it can be transmitted to the baby during childbirth. Other STIs, like chlamydia, can cause pelvic inflammatory diseases and infertility in women if they are not treated. Still others like HPV (human papilloma virus) can cause cervical cancer. HIV and hepatitis can be lethal themselves or lead to fatal complications if left untreated.
When you are sexually active, it’s important to be honest with your partner. This can be hard to do, especially if you’ve ever had an STD or STI. (See “How to Bring Up a Delicate Topic” on
page 195
for tips.) If he doesn’t want to discuss this topic, or if you feel he’s not telling you something, you may want to reexamine how much you can trust this man. Particularly, can you trust him enough to shed your clothes and have sex? If you feel you’re at risk (maybe your partner had an affair), ask your doctor for a screening at your next checkup or ask him to get tested. Always use a condom unless you have the utmost trust in your partner.
Dear Dr. Fisch: My Girlfriend Doesn’t Like That I Work in a Strip Club
Dear Dr. Fisch,
I’m a DJ in a strip club and it’s a great job. I make a lot of money and I can play the music I like, and I have a lot of fun. When I started working there, I was interested in dating the strippers. But once I got to know them, I realized they weren’t for me as girlfriends or lovers or whatever, because most of them are addicts or work as prostitutes after the club closes, or both. I mean, I am not trying to insult what they do, but I don’t want to go out with anyone who does that kind of stuff.
Besides, I have a live-in girlfriend named Julianna, and we’re in love and everything. However, she doesn’t like that I work in the club and that some of the strippers are platonic friends. She says that even if they’re addicts or hookers or whatever, I’m still around naked women every time I go to work, and she doesn’t trust me. She doesn’t believe that I’m being faithful to her. How can I make her understand that I’m not cheating on her and don’t want to leave this job?
Signed, Please Don’t Stop the Music
Dear Please Don’t Stop the Music,
I hate to say it, but this relationship doesn’t sound like it’s going to go very far. It’s great that you love your job and are a friend to your colleagues at work, and that you’re trustworthy and dedicated to Julianna.
You’re certainly not cheating—far from it. But working around sexually active, naked women all the time is going to be threatening to your girlfriend—and most other women. Women want security. Maybe they want children and a home. You have to accept the fact that your unusual job is going to make any relationship you have more difficult.
For now, all you can do is be straight with your girlfriend. Tell her why you like your job and why it’s important to you. Maybe she could come to work before hours and meet some of the strippers and see how they talk about you in a brotherly fashion.
Acknowledge her feelings—put yourself in her shoes—because you probably wouldn’t love it if she worked all day in the company of handsome and naked men! If you can resist temptation and she can raise her trust level a bit, the two of you may work things out. But you may end up having to choose your job or your girlfriend.
People are not just addicted to porn. They can become addicted to sex, particularly when for them it’s all about the sex act and orgasms to the detriment of everything else in the relationship. Given how easy it is to become infected with a sexually transmitted disease such as HIV, sex addiction is not just a problem. It can be lethal.
Sexual addiction, or “sexual dependency,” is a valid psychological disorder. It’s hard to treat because no single behavior pattern defines it. A sex addict can suffer from compulsive masturbation,
compulsive and chronic porn viewing, compulsive heterosexual and homosexual relationships or affairs, compulsive cybersex, prostitution, exhibitionism, and voyeurism—and even progress to such heinous crimes as child molesting, incest, or rape.