The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass (17 page)
Read The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass Online
Authors: Bill Maher
Tags: #Humor, #Form, #Political, #General, #Topic, #Political Science, #Essays
LILO & SCOTCH
LUST DESSERTS
MALLOW DRAMA
MEH AT WORK
New Rule:
Now that I’ve collected all four mug shots, someone has to tell me how I get my free drink at SkyBar.
LIQUOR ASSNow that I’ve collected all four mug shots, someone has to tell me how I get my free drink at SkyBar.
New Rule:
We can’t have fraternities and also sell whiskey in a can. Yes, there’s a new offering from Scottish Spirits—eight shots of whiskey, straight up, in a can. Or, as they call it in Ireland, “A cool one.” Look, it won’t be long before some rich fraternity asshole is shot-gunning this thing, crushing it against his forehead, and then collapsing and dying. So on second thought, New Rule: The whiskey can is cool with me.
LOSER FRIENDLYWe can’t have fraternities and also sell whiskey in a can. Yes, there’s a new offering from Scottish Spirits—eight shots of whiskey, straight up, in a can. Or, as they call it in Ireland, “A cool one.” Look, it won’t be long before some rich fraternity asshole is shot-gunning this thing, crushing it against his forehead, and then collapsing and dying. So on second thought, New Rule: The whiskey can is cool with me.
New Rule:
Apple’s next device must be a computer that you control with your tongue. Thanks for eliminating the keyboard and the mouse, but pointing and pushing at things already seems too complicated and tiring. We’re Americans—and until you free our hands from the computer entirely, we can never attain our ultimate goal: Web surfing while eating and masturbating.
LOWENBRAU HUMORApple’s next device must be a computer that you control with your tongue. Thanks for eliminating the keyboard and the mouse, but pointing and pushing at things already seems too complicated and tiring. We’re Americans—and until you free our hands from the computer entirely, we can never attain our ultimate goal: Web surfing while eating and masturbating.
New Rule:
Just because you’re drunk and it’s October, it doesn’t make it Octoberfest. When you drink in November, it’s not Novemberfest. It’s just Thanksgiving, and you hate your relatives. Besides, we already know what happens when people get drunk and start acting like Germans:
Just because you’re drunk and it’s October, it doesn’t make it Octoberfest. When you drink in November, it’s not Novemberfest. It’s just Thanksgiving, and you hate your relatives. Besides, we already know what happens when people get drunk and start acting like Germans:
New Rule:
Women have to stop having food orgasms. I’ve heard many women ask, “Why don’t they make a Viagra for women?” They do. It’s called an M&M. There’s nothing more humiliating than being in bed with a woman, and she calls out another man’s name, and it’s Willy Wonka.
Women have to stop having food orgasms. I’ve heard many women ask, “Why don’t they make a Viagra for women?” They do. It’s called an M&M. There’s nothing more humiliating than being in bed with a woman, and she calls out another man’s name, and it’s Willy Wonka.
M
MOURNING IN AMERICANew Rule:
All the good news stories have to stop breaking while I’m on vacation. I go away for a mere three weeks to work with my charity, Hot Tubs Without Borders, and Karl Malden dies. But also Michael Jackson, the most famous white lady to die since Princess Diana. And one question gnawed at me the whole time: Why? Why did America lose its collective shit over Michael Jackson? And then, like Michael’s father, Joe, it hit me: Michael Jackson
is
America. We love him so much because he reflects our nation perfectly: fragile, overindulgent, childish, in debt, on drugs, and over the hill.Now, let me state, I don’t wish my country was all of these bad things, I just don’t want to be like one of those people Michael Jackson had around him, the ones who just tell you you’re great and that your destructive behavior is totally normal, and they give you whatever you want—you know, doctors. So let’s go down the list and see if I’m crazy or if indeed America is unfortunately all the things that Michael Jackson was.•
Is America fragile?
What do you think would happen if there was another terrorist attack here? We’d repeal the rest of the Bill of Rights, forget about health care, elect Toby Keith president—and fire me. Are we fragile? The stock ticker in Times Square yesterday said, “What the fuck are you looking at?”•
Overindulgent
: I defy anyone to watch ten minutes of
My Super Sweet 16
on MTV and not want to strap on a vest and blow up that little snot’s birthday party. Did you know that a third of children in America are overweight? Michael Jackson didn’t have a heart attack, his playdate rolled over on him.•
Childish
: Well, we think
Harry Potter
is literature and Batman movies are profound meditations on the human condition. Our morning coffee has become a milk shake with whipped cream, and sixty-four percent of the population believes Noah’s Ark actually happened. And what could be more childish than what our news media chooses to cover? My God, since this Michael Jackson thing happened, I have no idea what’s going on with Jon and Kate.•
In debt
: Please. The deficit—that’s just what we run up for the year—is over one trillion dollars. To give you an idea how much that is, take what your home is now worth and add . . . one trillion dollars.•
On drugs
: If you don’t think America’s got a drug problem, you must be high. Children are on Prozac, athletes are on steroids. The pharmaceutical industry sold $291 billion worth of pills last year—and that’s not counting the potheads and the drinkers—yes, America is on drugs! And by the way, people also do just as much coke as they ever did, they just don’t share it anymore.•
And finally
: Is America over the hill? I don’t know. I hope not—but Monday is the fortieth anniversary of Neil Armstrong’s first setting foot on the moon, and I can’t think of any ambitious goal we’ve reached since then. It’s sad when your peak was a moonwalk that occurred decades ago.So America faces a choice: We can go the Michael route and keep living on debt and the world’s affection for our early work, or we can get our shit together like Britney Spears, put on our circus costume, and go out there and show the world we can still bring it.—July 17, 2009
New Rule:
Someone must x-ray my stomach to see if the Peeps I ate on Easter are still in there, intact and completely undigested. And I’m not talking about this past Easter. I’m talking about the last time I celebrated Easter, in 1962.
M.D. PROMISESSomeone must x-ray my stomach to see if the Peeps I ate on Easter are still in there, intact and completely undigested. And I’m not talking about this past Easter. I’m talking about the last time I celebrated Easter, in 1962.
New Rule:
Sometimes it’s better to just stay sick. Doctors say they can cure some intestinal diseases by inserting a healthy person’s feces up your butt. Or, as John Travolta calls it, dating. The only thing that’s worse than this procedure is asking someone to donate. How do you bring this up on the golf course?
Hey, remember that time I loaned you a hundred bucks?
MEANY BOPPERSometimes it’s better to just stay sick. Doctors say they can cure some intestinal diseases by inserting a healthy person’s feces up your butt. Or, as John Travolta calls it, dating. The only thing that’s worse than this procedure is asking someone to donate. How do you bring this up on the golf course?
Hey, remember that time I loaned you a hundred bucks?
New Rule:
Fashion models must lose the disinterested sneer. That look doesn’t say “pouty mystique”; it says “I have rectal itch.” I know it sucks to be sixteen and stuck on a runway in Milan in a Versace original, but consider the outfit you could be wearing:
Fashion models must lose the disinterested sneer. That look doesn’t say “pouty mystique”; it says “I have rectal itch.” I know it sucks to be sixteen and stuck on a runway in Milan in a Versace original, but consider the outfit you could be wearing:
New Rule:
When I see one of those road signs for the Recovery Act, I should also see people in hard hats building shit. Dig a hole and fill it up with dead bodies, I don’t care. I’m just getting tired of passing these randomly placed signs while the gaping potholes shake the fillings out of my skull. It’s this kind of crap that makes me want to join the Tea Party. Then I remember I have a high school diploma, a functioning penis, and a black friend.
MEMORY LAMEWhen I see one of those road signs for the Recovery Act, I should also see people in hard hats building shit. Dig a hole and fill it up with dead bodies, I don’t care. I’m just getting tired of passing these randomly placed signs while the gaping potholes shake the fillings out of my skull. It’s this kind of crap that makes me want to join the Tea Party. Then I remember I have a high school diploma, a functioning penis, and a black friend.
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