Read The Nice Girl Syndrome Online
Authors: Beverly Engel
How Our Public Image Is Created
Our public image is created when we learn as children that there is acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Our parents and other author- ity figures socialize us by rewarding the former and punishing the lat- ter. Unfortunately, this can lead us to believe that others will not like us if we are ourselves and that we must suppress (ignore) or even repress (deny or “forget”) the unacceptable parts of ourselves. Those who were raised in families where they were severely criticized, expected to be perfect, or physically or verbally abused are particularly susceptible to believing that they must be perfect to be acceptable.
This was my situation. Raised by an extremely critical, disap- proving mother, I grew up believing I was acceptable only if I was a good girl—which meant always obeying my mother, never question- ing authority, and always being polite and kind to others. When I was bad, my mother would verbally humiliate me—often in front of others. She would also stop speaking to me—sometimes for days at a time.
My mother’s public image was extremely important to her (she had, incidentally, been raised in the South). Since I was an extension of her, my public image was important to her as well. That meant
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that no matter how I felt about people, I was supposed to be cordial to them and at least
pretend
that I liked them.
When I started dating, I continued my good-girl act. I assumed that the only way I could get men to like me was to passively and compliantly go along with whatever they wanted. I smiled sweetly, listened attentively, and was caring and generous—especially with myself—if you know what I mean.
Pretending
We all try to impress others. We all pretend to be someone we are not in order to gain the approval of others. Think about it: How many times have you pretended to like something when you really didn’t or pretended that you agreed with someone when you didn’t at all? How many times have you given the impression that you are more understanding or more accepting than you actually are?
What’s the harm in doing these things? After all, everyone does it. It’s all a part of being polite, of being social. The problem is that is creates a false impression so that the other person doesn’t really know you. It can even set a precedent for you to be expected to con- tinue to put up with behavior you find boring or unacceptable. The most dangerous part of pretending is that, over time, if you pretend enough, you may lose touch with how you really feel, what you really believe, even who you really are—you begin to disappear. The real you begins to fade away behind the shadow of your facade.
Interestingly, it is often women who do most of the pretending. Since women are innately more compassionate, they often pretend so as to protect the feelings of others. In addition, girls are trained to be more agreeable and diplomatic than boys.
This pretending is just another way of lying, as Alice Koller, in her wonderful book
An Unknown Woman: A Journey of Self-Discovery
, so poignantly states:
But think of the ways there are to lie, and I’ll have done every one of them. Pretending to like something because someone in authority does. Evading a question. Saying only part of what I believe. Not saying anything at all. Shaping my words to fit what I know will be acceptable. Smiling when someone intends to be funny. Looking serious when my thoughts are
elsewhere. Agreeing when I haven’t even thought over the matter. Drawing someone out just because I know he wants to talk. Trying to amuse in order to avoid talking about something I’m not sure of.
If People Get to Know the Real Me, They Won’t Like Me
Everyone wants to be loved for who he or she really is. This is a deep and abiding human need. Unfortunately, many Nice Girls believe that if they are completely honest about who they are or if people really get to know them, others won’t like them. Some even believe they are basically unlovable. This is especially true for women who were emotionally, physically, or sexually abused as children.
My client Lea had this belief. “All my life I found that people didn’t like me after they got to know me—the real me. Boyfriends always fell in love with me right away because I’m pretty and they thought I was sweet. But after we got more involved, I always became jealous and critical. Once they saw this, they stopped loving me.
“So I’ve learned to push all those feelings down. When I get jeal- ous, I don’t say anything. I just silently steam. And when I feel crit- ical, I stuff it and pretend that everything is okay. The only problem is that I usually end up falling out of love with the man. Now I’m the one who leaves.”
Lea was no longer being rejected when she showed people her entire self, but because she wasn’t allowing herself to be real, she couldn’t maintain intimacy. Also, she was so convinced that she would be abandoned if anyone was to get to know the real Lea that she abandoned people first.
When What Other People Think Becomes More Important than Your Safety
Gwen, whom you met in chapter 1, was the woman whose boy- friend, Aaron, often treated her with disrespect after he’d had a few drinks. He’d grab her breasts in front of other people, brag to other men about what a “babe” she was, and urge her to dance with other men. You’d think that Gwen would get angry and leave whenever
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Aaron acted like this, but instead she just silently put up with it. “I didn’t want to cause a scene,” she explained to me. “If I said any- thing to him, I knew it would just start an argument. And if I just left, how would that look to everyone?”
Gwen was far more concerned about people’s opinions or about creating a scene than she was about her own feelings or even her self-respect. Worse yet, she cared more about what other people (including Aaron) thought than she cared about her own safety. The reason Gwen finally came to see me was not because of Aaron’s behavior or even about her inability to stand up for herself. It was because one night when she was at a club with Aaron, she was raped. As usual, Aaron had been drinking too much and, as usual, he started grabbing her breasts and buttocks, even when they were on the dance floor. Gwen tried to stop him by telling him she didn’t like it, but he just laughed. When they finally sat down to rest, a man came over and asked Aaron if he could dance with Gwen. Aaron beamed
with pride and said, “Sure, man, go for it. She’s hot, isn’t she?”
Gwen didn’t want to dance with the man, but she didn’t want to embarrass him, so she agreed. During the dance, the man kept try- ing to pull her close to him, but Gwen pulled away. He even tried to grab her buttocks. She couldn’t wait for the dance to be over.
As soon as the music stopped, Gwen excused herself to go to the ladies’ room. She didn’t really have to go; she just needed a break from Aaron’s obnoxious behavior and from the ogling eyes of the men around her.
When she came out of the bathroom, the man she had been dancing with grabbed her, put his hand over her mouth, and forced her down a dark hall. He was a big man and Gwen couldn’t get away from him (she’d also had quite a bit to drink). With one hand still over her mouth, he pulled her panties down and forced himself into her. The music was blaring, and it drowned out Gwen’s muffled calls for help. Within a few minutes, the man was gone.
Gwen crumpled into a ball and cried hysterically for several min- utes. Then she went into the bathroom and cleaned herself up. After she had composed herself, she went over to the table where Aaron was drinking and quietly told him she wanted to go home. At first he resisted, but when he saw her face he knew that something was wrong. Again, Gwen didn’t want to create a scene by telling him about the rape while they were at the club. “I knew he’d become
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furious and start yelling and then everyone would know what had happened to me. I just couldn’t take that,” Gwen explained.
She waited until they were home to tell Aaron what had hap- pened. He threatened to go back to the club and find the man, but Gwen begged him to stay with her because she was so afraid. He finally listened to her and stayed. He wanted to call the police, but as she explained, “I was finally able to talk him out of it. I just felt so embarrassed. I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone. I just wanted it to all go away.”
Gwen came to me because she knew she needed help to recover from the rape. It had been several months, and she was still having nightmares. She couldn’t have sex with Aaron, who was beginning to run out of patience. Yet she didn’t have a clue that she had another problem—that her fear of “causing a scene” may have endangered her life and allowed her rapist to get away. I made it clear that it was not in any way Gwen’s fault that she was raped. She may have been raped even if Aaron hadn’t acted so inappropriately with her in front of other men. But I also explained that her overconcern with what other people thought of her had placed her in a dangerous situation. Gwen was not alone in such overcompliance. It is not uncom- mon for women to put up with inappropriate or abusive behavior from boyfriends and spouses rather than “make a scene” in public or risk people’s finding out that their relationship isn’t working out. Instead, the women smile and act gracious and pretend the undesir- able behavior doesn’t bother them. It is also not uncommon for women to not report being date-raped, raped, or battered because they are embarrassed or do not want their own reputation tarnished. If you identify with Gwen in any way, it is important for you to understand that this need to protect your public image at the cost of your self-esteem or safety is a blatant act of self-negligence and even
self-destructiveness on your part.
Remedies
Remedy #1: Discover the Origin of Your Need for Everyone to Like You
In your journal, write about where you think your need for everyone to like you came from. Think about the messages you received from
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your family, authority figures, and society in general. Also, recall any childhood experiences that may have created this need.
Remedy #2: Learn That You Cannot Control What Others Think of You
This is a very important truth that we all must learn and constantly remind ourselves of. What other people think of us usually has very little to do with who we are. It has a lot more to do with the other individuals’ issues—their prejudices, their fears, and projections. So it is a waste of time to constantly try to impress or please others.
Leslie, from earlier in the chapter, needed to learn this. As we continued to work together, she began to understand emotionally, not just intellectually, that what her brothers thought and perhaps still think of her had absolutely nothing to do with who she is. Once this understanding sank in, she stopped taking it personally when they showed their obvious disapproval of her. She realized that she had done nothing to cause them to think badly of her. And she also came to realize that being nice to her brothers wasn’t going to change their opinion of her.
She also understood that she was repeating a pattern when it came to her ex-husbands. She was reacting to them the same way she reacted to her brothers—being nice to them so they would like her. “I realize now how ridiculous it all was. I don’t even
like
my ex- husbands. They both treated me horribly. Now that I understand why I needed them to like me so much, they don’t have any more power over me. I don’t want anything to do with them.”
We simply can’t anticipate how someone will react to us. One person may like the way we look and act because we are a reminder of his or her mother, and another person may dislike us for the very same reason. That’s why the quotation at the beginning of this chap- ter is so powerful—“What other people think of me is none of my business”—as is another popular quote: “You can’t please all of the people all of the time.”
Remedy #3: Create a Positive and Powerful Statement
Here are three suggestions for a positive and powerful statement to counter the false beliefs “I can control what other people think of
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me” and “What other people think of me is more important than almost anything else.”
Positive and powerful: Sometimes people won’t like me, and it’s okay.
Positive and powerful: I like me, and that’s all that matters.
Positive and powerful: It’s more important what I think of me than what someone else thinks of me.
Pick the one that resonates with you or create another one that feels better for you. Remember to repeat this several times a day— with feeling!
Remedy #4: Stop Pretending
We all want to put our best foot forward when we meet someone. But if you want to have healthier relationships in which your needs and opinions are respected and you are accepted for your true self, you will need to put aside your public self and risk exposing your true self. Instead of trying to impress people, you will need to show them all of you, including your not-so-positive qualities.
Being yourself can be painful at first. Even though you may have a strong drive to be seen as perfect, the truth is that we are all flawed human beings. Accepting that your imperfections and so-called negative attributes are part of what makes you unique will help you to stop continually trying to be someone or something that you are not.