The Nice Girl Syndrome (37 page)

self-esteem, 144, 167, 228 perfectionist parents and, 105 putting what others think of you

ahead of your, 39–43

self-image, idealized, 226–227

selfishness, 36–37, 57–58

self-respect, 21, 138, 216 separation, anger and, 174–175,

201

sexual abuse, 12, 201

as a child.
See
child abuse statistics on, 1–2

shadow self, or dark side, 108–110, 121–122

I
NDEX
245

shame, 133, 201

healing your, 118–121

legacy of, 107

shaming parents, 105–107

Shame: The Power of Caring

(Kaufman), 106

signal anxiety, 108

Simmons, Rachel, 17, 37, 43, 44, 48,

49, 79, 162, 180–181

societal beliefs, 12, 28

about anger, 161–162 body image and, 87

putting others’ feelings first and, 53, 59

standing up for your rights and, 138–139

Sociopath Next Door, The
(Stout), 205

solitude, finding yourself through, 97–99

Soul without Shame
(Brown), 225 standing up for your rights, 21,

137–159

assertiveness, learning, 150–157 boundaries, setting, enforcing, and

communicating, 147–149 child abuse and, 139–143,

146–147

childhood experiences and, 139–141

contribution of fear to difficulty of, 141–143

determining source of your fear of, 143

false beliefs, 46–47

learned helplessness, 140, 145–146 learning to cope with your fear,

146–147

no, learning to say, 149–150

recognizing signs of abuse in its early stages, 157–159

recognizing the price paid for not, 144–145

remedies, 143–159

self-respect, 138

societal reasons for difficulty in, 138–139

Steinem, Gloria, 54

Stout, Martha, 205 strangers, suspicion of, 211 stress response, 28

Strong Women characteristics of, 21–23 Four Cs.
See
Four C’s

steps toward becoming, 23–24 stubbornness, 11

superego.
See
inner critic

tags, using, 232–233

Trauma and Recovery
(Herman), 211 trust, inability to, 142–143

truth about people, facing the.
See

second chances

University of Michigan, 161

Unknown Woman: A Journey of Self- Discovery, An
(Koller), 89–90

Victim, the, 18

victimization, 32, 201

susceptibility to, 15–16 voting rights of women, 47

whining, 144

Why Does He Do That?
(Bancroft), 203–204

Women Who Love Too Much

(Norwood), 4

Praise for

Beverly Engel

For
The Nice Girl Syndrome

“Engel, a psychotherapist and domestic violence expert, has sharp words for the ‘nice girls’ of the world who care more about being perceived as sweet and pleasant than strong and self protective. Drop the phoniness and passivity, she exhorts, arguing that while society superficially rewards nice girls, they suffer deeply in their intimate and work relationships by losing personal power and parading inauthentic selves. Avoiding conflict and playing naïve may seem to offer payoffs, Engel notes, but the payoffs aren’t as big as the price women pay for not holding their ground—‘They may get taken care of but they aren’t respected. They may get special attention but from the wrong kind of people.’ Readers will find Engel’s elucidation of the four causes of ‘Nice Girl Syndrome’ and the ‘Seven Types of Nice Girls’ (e.g., Doormat, Pretender, Prude, Enlightened One) deeply funny and familiar. . . . This book will challenge, entertain, and empower its readers.”

Publishers Weekly
(starred review)

For
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship

“A good, solid treatment of an insidious but all common type of relationship in which the weapons are words and moods rather than the fist, but which do just as much damage. Most importantly, Ms. Engel doesn’t just describe—she shows us the way out.”

—Susan Forward, Ph.D., author of
Emotional Blackmail
and
Toxic Parents

For
Loving Him without Losing You

“A powerful and practical guide to relationships that every woman should read.”

—Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D., author of
Are You the One for Me?

and
Secrets about Men Every Woman Should Know