The Nice Girl Syndrome (32 page)

“I Can’t Make It without a Man”

It is surprising how many women still believe that they can’t make it without a man. In fact, it is the number-one reason women stay with abusive men. Those who are brutally beaten or verbally abused and humiliated by their husbands or boyfriends will insist that they can’t leave because they wouldn’t be able to support themselves and their children financially. Many women will also explain that although their husbands are abusive, they do feel protected by them, and the men feel far less dangerous to them than does going out and facing the cruel world.

I met Lily when I was working as the assistant director and head counselor at a battered women’s shelter. It was my first paying job since I had obtained my license as a marriage, family, child thera- pist. I was full of hope and the belief that I could really help abused women. Lily came to the shelter with her two children, ages four and seven. Hers was one of the most extreme cases anyone at the shelter had experienced.

Lily’s husband had repeatedly beaten her to the point that she had been hospitalized several times for broken bones. Many social workers had tried to intervene throughout the years, to no avail. Lily refused to admit that her husband beat her. This was before the law was passed that allowed law enforcement officers to file a charge themselves if they suspected a woman was being beaten. So, time after time, her husband would arrive at the hospital with roses, profess his undying love for her, and convince Lily to come home.

The final straw for Lily was when her husband hit her so hard that she became deaf in one ear. The doctor at the hospital told her he was afraid that the next time he saw her, she would be perma- nently crippled or dead. This seemed to flip a switch in Lily’s mind, and she finally admitted to authorities that her husband was a bat- terer. She agreed to come to the shelter immediately with her two children.

Lily filed a restraining order and agreed to the shelter’s policy to never divulge her whereabouts to anyone—not even close friends and family. She seemed to be doing fairly well at the shelter, attend- ing nightly group therapy sessions and seeing me once or twice

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a week. During our sessions, she was able to express some of her emotions—her fear that she wouldn’t be able to make it on her own and her sadness at the ending of her marriage. She cried frequently, telling me about what a wonderful man her husband had been at one time and how he had turned into a monster because of his drinking. She was worried that because she had no skills, she wouldn’t be able to find a job and would have to live off welfare the rest of her life. Her husband had made a good living and she didn’t want her chil- dren to have to grow up poor.

What Lily seemed unable to do was to connect with her feelings of anger toward her husband for terrorizing her the way he did, nor was she able to recognize how damaging it was for her children to have witnessed his abuse of her. She rationalized, saying that he never hit her in front of the children and that she had always made up stories about how she had gotten all the cuts and bruises she so often had. Nevertheless, I felt hopeful that, with the support of so many shelter employees and volunteers, Lily would be able to get past her fears and gain the strength and courage it would take to stay away from her husband.

But my hope turned out to be unwarranted. One night, after being at the shelter for about a month, Lily called her husband from a phone booth down the street. During the course of the conversa- tion, she broke down and told him where she was. That night, she sneaked out of the shelter with her two children and got into his car.

When we discovered that Lily was gone, everyone at the shelter felt devastated—staff and residents alike. I felt horrified and com- pletely discouraged when I realized that Lily would choose to go back to such a monster when she had such a good chance of break- ing away.

In a phone call with Lily several days later, she told me that she just didn’t believe she could make it on her own. As abusive as her husband could be, she said that she knew he loved her. She knew that as long as she was with him, she and the kids would never go without. For Lily, this was more important than her personal safety or even the emotional well-being of her children.

Lily’s is an extreme but far too common example of what can happen when a woman has the belief that she must have a man to

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survive. As I was to learn time and again during my long career of working with abused women, many women simply do not believe they can make it without a man, and they will put up with anything to achieve a feeling of security.

This belief is unfounded. As difficult as Lily’s situation was, had she remained at the shelter she would have received the financial aid she needed until she could complete the training that would enable her to support herself and her children. She would have received the therapy and support she needed to build up her self-esteem, her strength, and her courage.

This is what happened for another shelter client I will call Carrie. Carrie had three children when she came to the shelter. She had not graduated from high school, having had her first child when she was only sixteen. Now Carrie had had enough from her abusive husband. She was determined to save her children from having to witness any further abuse and was going to do anything in her power to get them out.

Carrie ended up staying at the shelter for two months (the limit to how long a woman could stay). During that time, she enrolled in a secretarial course at a local business college. She also saw me every day for counseling. “I need to heal from all this so I can be strong for my kids,” she told me. “I don’t ever want to be dependent on a man again—ever.”

Even though Carrie had been used to a rather affluent lifestyle with her husband, she was willing to exist on welfare, food stamps, and donated items from the shelter until she could find a job. “My pride is not what’s important here—I lost that a long time ago when I stayed with my husband after the first time he beat me. What’s important now is my safety and the safety of my children, and prov- ing to myself that I can take care of them myself.”

That’s just what Carrie did. She got a secretarial job about a month after she left the shelter. Even though the salary was low, she stuck with it until she was promoted to a living wage. She also start- ing selling a health food product popular at the time, and found she was quite a good salesperson. Between the money she made at her full-time job and the commissions she made on her sales, she man- aged to make a good enough living to support herself and her kids. Within six months of leaving the shelter, she was able to get off wel- fare and food stamps completely.

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Start Protecting Yourself

Not only can women no longer depend on men to protect them, they can’t depend on the “kindness of strangers.” Neither can they trust that a seemingly nice guy won’t harm them. Many potential muggers or rapists often use ploys such as asking for directions, pay- ing a woman a compliment, or appealing to a woman’s vanity by ask- ing her if she is a model or an actress. Unfortunately, this means that women have to be suspicious of men who are strangers.

Rape is the secret fear of many women. In a recent survey, two- thirds of American women reported that they don’t feel safe, espe- cially when walking alone down a street at night. This fear of sexual assault is not unfounded since it is estimated that 12.1 million American women have been the victim of forcible rape and that 1 out of 8 will be assaulted in her lifetime. But women can do a lot to prevent themselves from being raped, and they can stop expecting other men to protect them and start protecting themselves.

Studies have finally dispelled the myth that women are unable to protect themselves and that resistance will only “make things worse.” The latest data shows that immediate and aggressive responses, including fighting back,
are
effective. Conversely, pleading, reason- ing, or appealing to a rapist’s humanity—all typical Nice Girl tactics—do not work. According to Dr. Judith Herman, in her clas- sic book
Trauma and Recovery
, “The women who fought to the best of their abilities were not only more likely to be successful in thwart- ing the rape attempt, but less likely to suffer severe distress symp- toms. By contrast, women who submitted without struggle were more likely to be highly self-critical and depressed in the aftermath.” The most significant thing you can do to protect yourself from rape is to take a women’s self-defense course. Self-defense training will help you with everyday assertiveness and boundary setting, as well as prepare you to fight back if you are physically attacked. Good training programs incorporate an understanding of the kinds of vio- lence most often experienced by women and the common social and psychological barriers women face in learning to fight back. You will gain both physical and verbal defense skills. It is an excellent vehi- cle for exploring anger, grief, and fear concerning violence against women and for tapping into the joy that can come from finding your

voice and discovering your internal power.

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In the remedies section, I will outline other ways that women can learn to protect themselves.

Even the Strongest Women Can Become Dependent

Although most women today know that it is not good to be depend- ent on a man, even the strongest women can sometimes revert to being dependent, given the right circumstances. Even the most ardent feminist might find herself in a situation where she needs (or feels she needs) to compromise to achieve the support and protec- tion of men.

I experienced this firsthand when I was in my early thirties. I had met a woman in Los Angeles who lived outside Florence, Italy, and she invited me to come visit her. This prompted me to plan a month- long trip to England, Ireland, and Europe on my own.

I had a wonderful time in England, Ireland, and France and enjoyed my time visiting my friend in her home near Florence, but by the time I left Italy I became more and more exhausted. It took one long day on the train to reach Switzerland, where I spent the night before traveling on to Amsterdam—my last stop before going home.

That first evening in Amsterdam, I was sitting at an outdoor café having a drink when an attractive and friendly man approached me. He told me his name was Jacob and asked if I was from the United States. I said yes. He told me that he loved Americans and asked if he could please sit down. We started talking, and he offered to take me out that night to show me the nightlife in Amsterdam. Since he seemed to be a nice person, I accepted his offer.

We had a great night together, going from one dance club to another. I drank much too much (I had a drinking problem at the time) but was having so much fun I didn’t notice. In the wee hours of the morning Jacob asked me to go home with him. I was attracted to him and feeling good, so I agreed.

I don’t remember much about the sex we had because I was so drunk, but I do remember waking up the next day and feeling hung over and wishing I was alone in my hotel room. I didn’t feel like hav- ing to deal with anyone. But Jacob was so sweet to me that I soon

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stopped wishing for solitude. He gave me some juice and rubbed my feet and later on fixed me breakfast. It felt good to just relax and let someone take care of me.

Jacob offered to show me around Amsterdam. He suggested I check out of my hotel, to save money. It all sounded like a good idea. I’d had to be on guard during most of my trip, making sure I didn’t miss my train connections, keeping a close watch on my purse and luggage, maneuvering around strange cities. Suddenly I felt like I didn’t have to worry about anything. I didn’t have anyplace to go; I didn’t have to focus on where I was or who was around me. I just let Jacob take care of everything.

We had a nice day touring around Amsterdam and returned to his apartment early in the evening. He made me dinner while I rested on the couch. After dinner, Jacob started coming on to me sexually. I wasn’t feeling sexual, but unfortunately I slipped back into a very old behavior. I felt I couldn’t turn him down since he’d been so nice to me. After all, I’d already had sex with him the night before. How could I get out of it? So I had sex with Jacob again, this time sober.

Unfortunately, I felt absolutely no sexual energy toward him. I just went through the motions. It turned out that Jacob had quite a sexual appetite and was ready to go again within an hour. This time, I managed to gather up enough of myself to put him off. But he kept trying—all night long.

By the next morning, I thought I was going to go out of my mind. I just wanted to get as far away from Jacob as I could get. Once again, he was sweet and accommodating, but I was still angry about how often I had to push him away in the night. I couldn’t bear to be around him, and I certainly didn’t want him to touch me. When he offered to massage my back, I refused.

I felt stuck. I had checked out of my hotel room and my plane didn’t leave until the next day. If this happened to me today (which isn’t likely since I wouldn’t put myself in that position again) I would have simply called a taxi and left, whether I had a hotel room or not. But I wasn’t as emotionally strong then as I am today, and I was exhausted from a very long trip. I simply didn’t feel like I had the energy to look for another hotel. Plus, there was another factor that at the time I didn’t recognize. I had been sexually abused as a child, and the experience of Jacob’s pressuring me for sex had triggered