Read The Nice Girl Syndrome Online
Authors: Beverly Engel
Sometimes we need to hold on to our anger to cope and survive. This is especially true for those who have been victimized. Anger can help us rise above the victimization and fight our way back from the most devastating of traumas. For example, many survivors of sexual abuse need their anger to help them feel separate from their abuser (victims of child sexual abuse often feel particularly, inextri- cably enmeshed with their perpetrator, especially if he or she was a parent or a sibling). They need their anger to help ward off the over- whelming shame and guilt that constantly floods over them (victims of all forms of childhood abuse, especially victims of sexual abuse, tend to blame themselves for the abuse).
Sometimes our resistance to forgiving is telling us something important, and instead of trying to get past our resistance, we need to honor it. Even though someone apologizes, it does not necessar- ily mean that we must forgive him or her. In some situations, such as when the person apologizing is a repeat offender, forgiving is impossible because there seems to be no hope for change.
This was the case with Claudia. Shortly after she got married, her husband, Max, began to physically abuse her. After every inci- dent of abuse, he would begin to cry and plead with her to forgive him: “I’m sorry, Claudia. Please forgive me. I didn’t mean to. You just make me so mad. I promise I won’t ever do it again.”
Each time Max apologized, Claudia forgave him. Even though what he had done had devastated her, he seemed so pitiful and so sincere in his apologies that not forgiving him seemed like a heart- less thing to do. She loved him dearly and wanted to believe he was genuinely sorry. But before long, he was punching her and pushing her around the room all over again.
It took two years of this before Claudia finally came to the painful conclusion that Max was never going to change. He’d prom- ised to go to therapy many times but each time had backed out at the last minute. Sometimes he’d manage to go months without abusing
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her, giving her false hope that perhaps this time things really were going to be different. Then, after two years of this repetitive cycle, one day something changed inside Claudia. “He came into our bed- room about an hour after beating me, looking sheepish, as usual. He proceeded to say he was sorry, that he didn’t know what came over him, that he was going to get some help, that he loved me. But this time it just didn’t work. I wasn’t touched by the pain in his voice as I had always been in the past. And I wasn’t moved by his apologies. I’d always believed that he really couldn’t help himself, and so I always believed he really was sorry. But suddenly I questioned his sincerity. It all sounded phony to me. I was shocked. It felt like I’d been fooled all this time. That he really wasn’t sorry at all. That it was just words. Empty words. That was the day I decided I wasn’t going to forgive him again. The time for forgiveness was over.”
That night, while Max was sleeping, Claudia sneaked out of the house and never returned. That was a year ago. Since that time, she has managed to put her life back together and to resist the tempta- tion to return to him, even though she often feels pulled in that direction.
The last time I saw Claudia, she told me, “It makes me so mad when people tell me I should forgive Max for what he did to me. They have no idea what forgiving him did to me all those years. And they don’t understand that I can’t afford to forgive him now. If I forgive him, I’m afraid I’ll start to make excuses all over again for what he did to me. If I forgive him, I’m afraid I’ll weaken and go back to him.”
Perhaps with more time and distance, Claudia will be able to forgive her estranged husband. For now, she needs to keep her heart hardened against him. Who can blame her?
Remedy #5: When It Comes to Abuse, Make a Distinction between Second Chances That Are Based on Real Hope for Change and Those That Are Based on False Hope
According to Lundy Bancroft, an expert with many years’ experi- ence working with abusive men, there are two main principles to keep in mind when determining how much potential an abuser has to become a respectful, considerate partner:
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He cannot change unless he deals deeply with his entitled and superior attitudes. No superficial changes that he may make offer any real hope for the future.
It makes no difference how
nice
he is being to you, since almost all abusers have nice periods. What matters is how
respectful
and
noncoercive
he chooses to become.
The following questionnaire, adapted from Bancroft’s book
Why Does He Do That
?
Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
, will help you identify changes that show promise of being genuine. Answer yes or no to the following questions. We are looking for yes answers.
Has he stopped behaviors that are threatening or intimi- dating?
Has he begun to treat your opinions with respect, even when they differ strongly from his?
Does he listen without interrupting to your side in argu- ments? Does he then make a serious effort to respond thoughtfully to your points or concerns, even if he doesn’t agree with them?
Does he accept your right to express your anger toward him, especially when it involves his history of mistreating you?
Are you free to raise your grievances, new or old, without retaliation?
Is he responding to your grievances and doing something about them (for example, changing the ways he behaves toward the children)?
Has he greatly reduced or eliminated his use of controlling behaviors (such as sarcasm, rolling his eyes, talking over you, and other demonstrations of disrespect or superiority) dur- ing conversations and arguments?
When he does slip back into controlling behavior, does he take you seriously when you tell him about it, and does he continue working on improving?
Does he take into account how his actions affect you without having to be constantly reminded?
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Is he being noticeably less demanding, selfish, and self- centered?
Has he stopped talking about his abuse as if it were some- thing he couldn’t help and begun to acknowledge that he used it to control you?
Has he stopped blaming you for his abusive behavior?
Is he respecting your right to freedom and independence? This includes refraining from all interference with your friendships and giving up the demand to know where you are and whom you are with.
Has he stopped making excuses for his treatment of you, including not using your behavior as an excuse for his anger or abusive ways?
Is he being respectful about sex, including not pressuring you or engaging in guilt trips?
Has he stopped cheating or flirting with other women, or using these or other behaviors to keep you anxious about whether or not he will stray?
Is he being fair and responsible about money and finances, including allowing you to keep your own assets in your own name?
Has he expanded his contribution to household and child- rearing responsibilities and stopped taking your domestic work for granted or treating you like a servant?
Has he begun supporting your strengths instead of striving to undermine them?
Has he shown a new willingness to conduct himself nonabu- sively, even during major arguments?
If you answered no to any of these questions, this is a sign that there is work your partner still needs to do. You have a right to bring up your concerns about his progress, and if he is committed to changing he will listen and take you seriously and acknowledge that he does, indeed, have work to do. According to Bancroft, if he is impatient or critical of you for “not being satisfied” with his changes, it is a sign that his overt abusive behaviors will be coming back before long. Bancroft’s experiences with abusive men, as well as my
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own, have been that many of the small- or medium-level improve- ments generally slip away over time and that the man who actually maintains his progress is usually the one who changes more com- pletely, even though his progress may be slower.
If your partner is truly on the road to recovery, you will notice a dramatic difference in him. You will feel almost as if you are with a different person. This signals the fact that there has been a real shift in his attitude rather than just the superficial ways that he has used in the past to smooth things over.
If you are considering giving an abusive man another chance, you need to hold him to an even higher standard than you would a nonabusive partner. This means that you don’t just let things slide, that you are diligent about watching for signs that he is slipping back into old patterns and behaviors.
Remedy #6: Face the Fact That You Cannot Rehabilitate Anyone
While everyone does indeed have some good in him or her, there do exist people who have buried any semblance of good so deep inside them that it is inaccessible. Women who believe that they can some- how rehabilitate partners who have shown themselves to be cruel, untrustworthy, or without conscience are just fooling themselves. According to Martha Stout, PhD, the author of
The Sociopath Next Door
, the combination of consistently bad behavior with frequent plays for pity are as close to a warning mark on a conscienceless per- son’s forehead as you can get.
In her book, Stout provides what she calls “the rule of three” to help women learn when to stop giving second chances: “One lie, one broken promise, one abusive comment may be a misunderstand- ing. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says you’re dealing with a liar. Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can. Leaving now will be easier and less costly. Do not give your money, your secrets, or your affection to a three-time loser. Your valuable gifts will be wasted.”
Start Supporting and Protecting Yourself
Something we were withholding made us weak, Until we found it was ourselves.
—R
OBERT
F
ROST
False belief:
Women need men to protect and support them financially.
Empowering belief:
I am a strong and capable woman. I can take care of and protect myself.
This chapter is especially beneficial for Doormats, Victims
E
arlier in the book, I wrote that women can no longer depend on men to protect them. Most males are no longer raised to think
of girls and women as needing their protection and, unfortunately, some boys and men today often have a very negative view of women and are more likely to exploit than to protect them. Yet many girls and women mistakenly believe that they can look to and depend on boys and men for protection. To make matters worse, many women still hold onto the idea that they cannot make it financially without a man.
These false beliefs can be easily explained. Biologically, women are physically weaker than men and, for most of our history, have
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been dependent on men for protection and security. In spite of the strides we have made, it is still basically a man’s world. Women still do not earn as much money as men do for the same jobs (the latest research says that women make approximately 70 percent of what men earn for the same job), and men still dominate most arenas, including business, finance, law, medicine, and politics. Women still have to fight for any advances they make in most professions.
Most women
prefer
to be in a relationship since, as humans, we need others to help us feel connected and to ward off feelings of loneliness and isolation. But no woman
needs
a man to financially support her or to protect her from the big, bad world. We are quite capable of doing these things on our own. If you are one of the many women who still don’t quite believe this, I hope this chapter and its remedies section will help you to not only begin to see the light but to shed the limiting beliefs that keep you emotionally and financially dependent on men.
Financial Insecurity
Many women, because their salaries are often still less than men’s, continue to enter into relationships partly or primarily for financial security. Many still believe they can’t survive without the support of a man, especially if these women have children.
Make no mistake about it. Money is power. Money can be a magnet for women who carry the false belief that they cannot sup- port themselves financially. These women consistently become dependent on the men in their life because they allow themselves to be “bought” and because they tend to turn complete control of their finances over to the man.
That some women may be in a situation where they need finan- cial assistance from time to time is not the problem. The problem is that some women believe they need to placate and cater to a man in order to be taken care of. This is akin to slavery or prostitution. In addition to your needing to understand on an emotional level that you do not need a man to survive, you need to learn to support your- self financially. Those who feel stuck with a man because they are in a financial bind need to learn how to connect with their strengths to break out of the vicious cycle of depending on a man for financial survival.
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