The Olive Tree (41 page)

‘And
yourself
, Mum,’ Alex muttered harshly.

‘Yes, you’re right: and myself. I know I’ve only got myself to blame. The worst thing is that William has been the most wonderful father to you, and now, through my stupidity
and selfishness, I’ve managed to take away the one thing I always wanted you to have. God, how I wish he
was
your real father. I would give anything to turn the clock back. I’m
just so sorry I got it all wrong. I know William can never forgive me. It’s the most terrible betrayal. But I do love him, Alex. I always have and I always will.’

‘Does Sacha, or
Alexander
, or whoever the hell he really is, know? About me being his . . . ?’ Alex’s voice trailed off.

‘Yes. He guessed immediately the first time he saw you at the wedding. For the sake of everyone concerned, there has been an unspoken pact of silence between us.’

‘Were you ever going to tell me?’

‘I . . . didn’t know. I couldn’t tell you the truth, but I didn’t want to lie to you either. He might have been responsible for your genes, Alex, but he’s played no
part in your life since.’

‘Do you still love him?’

‘No. If anything, the opposite. I . . .’ Helena stopped herself from saying more – remembering that Alex had just learnt that Sacha was his biological father, and it
wasn’t right to launch into a negative diatribe about him. ‘Part of me wishes I’d never met him, but then, darling, if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have you.’

‘Okay. Please go away now,’ he said.

‘Oh, darling.’ Helena stifled a sob, then reached out a tentative hand towards him and touched wet fur. Her son’s tears had soaked his beloved Bee. ‘I’m so very,
very sorry. I love you, Alex.’

Then she stood up and left the room.

12th August (continued)

κς

Helena sat on the terrace the next morning, watching the dawn break after a sleepless night. She tried to comfort herself that she’d felt this way before: the agony of
loss, of life being changed irrevocably, the road she’d been previously travelling on suddenly blocked. There would be an alternative route – there always was. She’d cope,
she’d
survive
, she always had.

But the difference was that this time, it wasn’t about
her
.

She could cope with anything, except the thought of her children suffering. Worse still, it was
she
that had inflicted the pain. Her heart contracted yet again as she thought of
Alex’s devastation, his confusion. Her role as a mother was to bring comfort, to protect and guide him. Instead, she’d broken him.

And William too.

Helena walked down to the hammock, weak with the exhaustion of emotion, and climbed in. As she lay looking at the lightening sky, she clearly understood for the first time why some people saw no
alternative to suicide. Perhaps, she thought, it wasn’t just about outside events, but to do with the perception of oneself; believing you were a good person, that you’d treated those
around you with respect and love, was everything. Now, the thought of living with herself every day for the rest of her life, with those she loved most knowing she
wasn’t
and
hadn’t
, felt almost untenable.

Helena knew she would find the strength to carry on, but just now, despite the beauty of the warm sun making an appearance on its celestial stage, she felt as cold and bleak as she had that day
when she’d sat in the park in Vienna, knowing Alexander had gone for good.

Eventually, she trudged wearily upstairs to her bedroom. The wardrobe door was hanging open; William’s side was empty, his travel holdall gone. She shut it miserably, then lay down on the
bed and closed her eyes.

‘Mummy, Mummy! Where’s Daddy? I drewed him a picture of you and Fabio dancing. Look.’

Helena opened her eyes, the memory of what had happened last night hitting her afresh like a punch in the stomach. Tears leapt unannounced into her eyes.

‘Mummy! Look at my picture,’ Immy insisted, thrusting the drawing in front of her.

Helena sat up on her elbows. ‘It’s very good, darling. Well done.’

‘Can I give it to Daddy? Is he downstairs?’

‘No. He’s had to go away for a bit. It’s to do with his work.’

‘On our holiday? Why didn’t he say goodbye?’

‘He got a telephone call after you’d gone to bed and had to leave urgently very early this morning.’ Helena invented the story as she spoke, loathing herself for yet more
lies.

‘Oh. Will he be back soon?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Oh. Mummy?’

‘Yes?’

‘Why are you still wearing your last night dress?’

‘I was tired, Immy, that’s all.’

‘You always make me put my nightie on when I say that.’

‘Yes, I do, don’t I? Sorry.’

‘Are you feeling sick again, Mummy?’

‘No, I’m fine.’ Helena climbed off the bed. ‘Where’s Fred?’

‘Asleep. Shall I make you breakfast?’

‘No, darling, it’s okay. I’ll come down with you.’

Somehow Helena managed to get through the morning. She took Immy and Fred swimming in the pool, her heart breaking when she glanced at their happy, trusting faces. How would
they feel when they understood that the family unit they had once been part of had evaporated overnight? That Daddy was gone, and doubtless would not be coming back? And that it was all her fault .
. .

Fabio appeared in the kitchen at half past ten. Helena thought he looked almost as dreadful as she did.

He took her in his arms and held her tenderly. ‘
Bella
,
bella
, I am so very sorry. This is all my fault.’

‘Don’t show me sympathy Fabio, please. I’ll cry. And this is not your fault. It’s one hundred per cent mine.’

‘Helena, your husband, he is a good man. And he loves you very much. He will think, and he will understand and come back. This coincidence that happen to you . . . it is just the cruel
hand of fate.’

Helena shook her head. ‘No, he won’t come back. I’ve lied to him, deceived him for the whole of our marriage.’

‘But Helena, you did not know!’

‘Not at the beginning, no, but I should have told him the moment I
did
.’

‘Perhaps, but it is easy when we look back to see these things, is it not? Where has he gone?’

‘I should think he’s flown home to England. I’m sure he wouldn’t stay in Cyprus. Knowing William, he’ll want to put as much distance between us as he
can.’

‘Then you must follow him and explain.’

‘He doesn’t want to hear. I tried last night.’

‘It is the shock,
cara
. Give him time, please.’

‘How can we have a future together now? He’ll never trust me again, and I don’t blame him. Trust is everything in a relationship, Fabio. You know that.’

‘Yes, but if there is love, there is always a future.’

‘Stop, Fabio,’ Helena groaned. ‘Don’t give me hope where there is none. I can’t think clearly at the moment. And . . . Jules is living here in Kathikas too at the
moment! What is she going to say when she finds out? I’m sure William will tell her. I would if I was him. She thinks I’m her friend! Oh God, what a mess.’ She sat down abruptly
and buried her face in her hands.

‘
Si
, it is,’ Fabio agreed. ‘But life is a messy thing. You must find a way to sort it out.’

‘Should I go and see Jules, do you think? Tell her before William does? It’s the least I owe her.’

‘No, Helena. For now, she does not need to know. You say yesterday they are divorcing?’

‘Yes.’

‘So why cause her more pain? If William tells her, then so be it’ – he shrugged – ‘but let the dust settle a little.’

‘It was my fault for wanting to see you so much. I was tempting fate. I should have left the past where it belonged.’

‘Yes, but is it not a good thing that Fabio is back to pick up your pieces? And do not forget the pain that bad man causes you. What you went through when he left. It is
him
I blame
for all this. I told you back then that I know the minute I see him he is trouble.’

‘You did, and I only wish I had listened.’

‘But then, Alex would not have been born, and Alexander would not have sent William to help mend his heart. And you would not have had your life with him and your beautiful children.
No’ – Fabio thumped the table – ‘you must never regret anything in your life. The past – good and bad – makes you who you are.’

Helena reached for his hand and squeezed it. ‘I’d forgotten how wise you are. Thank you, darling Fabio.’

‘And Alex? How is he? Shocked, I think?’

‘He’s catatonic. I tried to explain it all to him last night, but every word I spoke must have been like an arrow through his heart. To finally discover his father’s identity
is bad enough, but then to have to acknowledge that his mother is a terrible person, who has lied to everyone . . . I love him so, so much, Fabio, and I’ve let him down and hurt him . .
.’ She broke down, and sobbed onto Fabio’s shoulder.

‘Helena,
cara
,’ he soothed her, ‘Alex is clever boy. I know this from when he is small and talking to me like an adult when he is only two years old! Perhaps at first,
he
will
hate you for hurting him. But he must be allowed to, as anger is part of the healing process. And then his big, kind brain will start to think. He will see the facts and understand.
He will know how much you love him, that you are good
mamma
, that you try always to do your best for him.’

‘
No!
I’m an awful mother! Can you imagine hearing what he heard last night? I told him about my abortion too because I felt he should know why I was so determined to keep him.
How can he ever respect me again?’

‘Helena’ – Fabio tipped her chin up to look at him – ‘he now has to understand you are not just a mother, but a human being. Who is not perfect. This revelation
comes to all children and it is hard to accept, especially so young. But he is advanced for his age, so he will cope. Give Alex time,
cara
, I promise he will come round.’

‘There are so many ramifications for him to take in, like the fact that he’s got a half-brother who happens to be his nemesis.’ Helena shuddered at the thought.

‘Should I try to talk to him?’ Fabio suggested. ‘Maybe someone else could help explain. After all, I have known Alex since he was a few hours old.’

‘You can try, but I’ve knocked on his door this morning three times and each time he’s told me to go away.’

‘
Prego
, let me go up and see if I can speak with him.’ Fabio looked at his watch. ‘But I must leave for Paphos to pick up my hire car by two.’

‘Do you have to go?’ Helena clung to him. ‘Couldn’t you stay a little longer?’

‘Helena, you know the dancer’s schedule. I would love to stay, but I cannot. Perhaps you come to Limassol next week to see the performance, and we take dinner together afterwards.
Now, I must book the taxi to take me into Paphos.’

‘No, I’ll take you. I think it’s better if I keep busy, and I want to get out of Pandora for a while. Beautiful as it is, this house seems to have brought me nothing but misery
ever since we arrived.’ Helena watched Fabio move towards the door. ‘Please, tell Alex I love him and I’m so, so sorry . . .’ Helena’s voice cracked and she shrugged
helplessly.

‘Of course.’ Fabio nodded, and left to walk along the corridor to Alex’s room. He knocked gently. ‘Alex? It is I, Fabio. Can we talk? I wish to speak about what has
happened.’

‘Leave me alone. I don’t want to talk. To anyone,’ came the muffled reply.

‘I understand this. So, I will stand out here and speak and you can listen if you choose,
si
?’

Silence.

‘Okay . . . I have only one thing to say to you, Alex, and it is this: I was there when your mother discovered she had you inside her. Even though I beg her not to have the baby, to
realise there is no
papa
, to think of her career and how she is ruining her life, she insists. “No Fabio,” she says, “I must have this baby.” She cares about nothing
else but bringing you into the world. And her world was you when you came. Just Alex, all the time.’

Fabio paused and cleared his throat.

‘Now, is this a
mamma
who is bad? No, this is a
mamma
who loves her son so much, she gives up even her great passion for the ballet. She looks after you alone and never
complains. Then, when a good man comes into her life, she sees it is the key to make both of you happy. She wants security for you, the best life she can give you, so she takes it. You understand,
Alex?’

There was still no reply, so Fabio continued.

‘And when fate makes this thing happen and she sees the bad Alexander, who is now “Sacha”, at her wedding, she decides to keep a secret. Alex, she made a mistake by doing this,
but she did it because she loves you so much. You must see that. I beg you to see it. Yes? She is bravest person I know, but Alex, she is hurting too! And she needs
you
now, like you needed
her when you were small. You are big boy, with big brain. You can see what has happened. Help her, Alex, help her. ’

Fabio took out his silk handkerchief and blew his nose hard. ‘There. That is all I have to say. God willing, this will be resolved and I will see you soon. Goodbye, my friend,
goodbye.’

Having bribed the little ones with the promise of a McDonald’s on the way back, Helena took them along with Fabio to Paphos to pick up his hire car. It was a relief to be
out of the house. Alex was still refusing to come out of his room, but Angelina was at Pandora cleaning for another hour or so, so at least she knew he was physically safe.

‘Will you try to come to Limassol next week, Helena?’ Fabio asked as he gave her one last hug.

‘I’ll do my best, but under the circumstances, I can’t promise anything just now.’

‘No, but many things can change in a week,’ he said with a sympathetic smile. ‘And out of all this, at least we have found our friendship again. Remember I am always there for
you,
cara
. Speak to me on the telephone, Helena, as much as you need to. And let me know what happens.’