Authors: Vivienne Harris-Scott
“
When are you coming?
”
she asked, changing the subject, she didn
’
t want to speak or even think of E. at a
time like this, it was just too close to what happened to them
…
“
Catching the first flight tomorrow!
”
her friend said reassuringly.
“
Lil, how long can you stay? I know you
have your patients
…”
she tried
to protest, embarrassed to once again taking her friend
’
s life into hostage.
”
I
’
ll stay until I know I can leave you in
better hands!
”
Lily exclaimed with a laugh,
“
Besides, I missed the party, so I
’
m overdue for a trip, even if it
’
s a short one!
”
“
In the meantime missy, you rest! Put that
phone down, and have a nap until that handsome husband of yours turns up!
”
she ordered.
“
He is handsome
…”
Vi said dreamily.
”
Yes, he is. Now, hang up and go to sleep.
Please.
”
was said in a stern voice.
((~~!~~))
Kevin and Lily
“
Hey, it
’
s me,
”
she said, exhaling smoke.
“
I know it
’
s you. Are you coming?
”
he asked in a low voice.
“
Yes, tomorrow.
”
Lily confirmed.
There was a silence between them until she
said,
“
Kev, She is terrified. And to tell you the
truth, I am worried.
”
“
The doctors said they can control
…”
he started, but she cut him saying,
“
Kevin, I
’
m a doctor, and I know what they said, and that
’
s not what worries me
…”
“
It
’
s not?
”
he asked, surprised and puzzled.
“
No, that baby will be fine. Her, on the
other hand, I
’
m not so sure
…”
“
Lil, I
’
m scared too! I have barely slept, can
barely eat
…
what do want me to do?
”
he asked, at loss.
“
Be with her, and watch her Kev, even when
I arrive. You know her better than anyone
…
well, except E, and he
’
s not there
…
and before you say anything about him, just
don
’
t Kev. I
’
m worried about her mental state. I know
she
’
ll put a good front for all of us, but
this is the second time she
’
s in that place, and mentally it has to be doing
things to her
…
and she just got married, and we don
’
t know how Julian is under pressure
…
a new wife, a baby and it
’
s already so complicated
…”
“
I
’
ll watch over her.
”
Kevin said, trying to reassure Lily and
himself.
“
Please. I
’
ll see you when I get there.
”
she replied before ending the
conversation.
((~~!~~))
Vi
27 weeks. I
’
m on the first day of my 27
th
week. I
’
m in the hospital and I just got married.
The nurse just told me Julian would be
back in a few minutes. He
’
s been watching me sleep for the past four
hours, and needed to exercise his legs.
I guess it
’
s a good thing because, she handed me the
mirror I asked her for, and the face in the reflection is not one I want him to
see.
I am scared. And I know he is too. I
remembered how he looked at me when I woke him up. Absolute fear was all over
his face. It should reassure me to see that he cares that much for our baby,
and me, but it doesn
’
t.
Fear is the last thing I want to see on
his face when I look at him, because it scares me even more.
I wish E. were here. With one look, he
would calm me down.
Maybe I
’
m not fair to Julian, he
’
s been nothing but the concerned parent
and husband a wife could wish for, and I feel a sense of betrayal for even
thinking of another man being here to hold my hand; it
’
s just, E. and I have been there before,
and I know he can get me through it.
I need certainty.
I need to know my baby and I will make it
unscathed.
I close my eyes, and sigh deeply telling
myself, I am fine, and I can do this.
I am applying lip-gloss when Julian enters
the room, a bouquet of flowers in hand; I smile when he says,
”
Hey baby, you
’
re awake. How are you feeling?
”
I can
’
t tell him the truth, so I say,
“
Better, now that you are here
…
And, I spoke to Lily, and she
’
s arriving tomorrow.
”
He puts the flowers down, sits on my bed
and says,
“
You
’
ve got great friends. And in times like
this, it
’
s good to know they
’
re here to support you.
”
“
Yes,
“
I concur,
“
I have formidable friends.
”
While I think of the one I really need to
be here for me.
His best friend,
My ex-husband,
Ethan.
Vi and Lily
“
How can I help you?
”
she asked, anguish lacing her
voice,
“
Mami, please just tell me
…”
“
I haven
’
t been myself lately,
”
I reply, as I feel the familiar lump in
my throat.
“
Well, you had it a little rough in the
past few months to say the least, so no one is blaming you if your mood is a
bit down
…”
she
retorted,
“
But, I really need you to get your sass
back mami
…
. Please
…”
she sighed, and added with a small smile,
“
Because, if you don
’
t, who is going to be looking out for me?
”
I look at her silently as we tightly hold
hands and I pray the tears I feel behind my orbs won
’
t fall.
Lily has always be the one looking out for
me, the fact that she is making a light joke of the anguish she feels, makes me
want to crawl under my bed and hide until I do get better, hold myself
together, and can, as she puts it, get my sass back.
The dissociation is back full force, but
this time, it
’
s not even a choice, or a calculated,
controlled phenomenon that I impose to myself to cope. Not this time is just a
side effect of my apparent depression.
Lily has taken a leave of absence from the
hospital in Boston, and has been with me for four weeks now.
At first, she was only in Paris for a few
days to ensure I was taken care of, and all would be swell until the delivery
of her god daughter, but as she was about to leave after four days, I told her
of my first panic attack, and the cold sweats I have was now having every
night, and it worried her enough to postpone her return.
Within the next few weeks, I didn
’
t even need to tell her about the changes
happening in me, she simply saw through me, smiles and reassuring words I used
fell on death ears when she would just stare at me and say,
”
Just tell me the truth, what is going on
in the little head of yours
…”
I couldn
’
t pretend with her.
When ideas of death started to occupy my
thoughts almost every minute, I knew I had reached the deep end, and I finally
told her the one thing I hadn
’
t allowed myself to voice out loud to anyone since I
had been admitted. It wasn
’
t a new will, it wasn
’
t the idea that myself or my daughter
would not make it. I simply said,
“
Lil, if you really want to do something
for me, something that I think will me feel a bit better, get E.
”
She had looked at me in silence for a long
time, as we both knew the implications of getting Ethan back in my life in a
time of crisis, when I was pronounced the wife of another for just a mere few
weeks.
Finally, she had said,
“
I
’
m not leaving you.
”
I had nodded, understanding her refusal.
Evidently, I wasn
’
t thinking clearly to be asking for him
…
But she had shocked me when she added, in
the most serious tone I have ever heard employ,
“
I
’
ll send Kevin to get him.
”
Is there a stronger word than speechless?
((~~!~~))
Julian
I
’
m at my wits ends. I know I shouldn
’
t. It
’
s not her fault. It
’
s me. I should be more patient, more understanding.
She is going through all this to give me a daughter
…
Don
’
t get me wrong. I love my wife. I
’
ll do anything for her
…
if only I knew what needs to be done.
We had a first major fight just four days
after we were pronounced husband and wife.
She had settled into a routine in her
hospital room once she had her laptop, books, and phones brought in.
I would come and visit her two or three
times a day, but was never to spend the night with her, except if an emergency
requiring my presence occurred.
Why, you ask? Simply because after the
first two nights, and her waking up several times during their course, it
became clear, sharing an hospital bed was simply a bad idea. It seemed to
stress her even more.
And stress was the last thing she needed,
specially coming from her own husband.
Then the argument happened, and since,
things have been going downhill.
I presented her with a stack of papers, my
wedding present to her, that I had been organizing with Marcus and Todd over
the past few weeks, and it wasn
’
t all in order just yet, but then again we weren
’
t supposed to be married for another few
months, so
…
Her reaction was unexpected. Nothing short
of brutal, in fact. One would think receiving a large fortune in stock and
holdings would bring joy and security to a person; to her, it was the ultimate
insult.
Giving her control of my fortune, of my
company and holdings, as evidence of love and trust in her was a poisonous
gift, coming with a string of responsibilities she never asked nor wanted.
She flatly refused.
I started to wonder if Todd had been
right, and maybe I should have gone a more classic route, not a pre-
nup
, but a couple of trusts, a seat on the board of
directors, anything acknowledging her professional status, instead of giving
her monetary value
…
In fact, she was the one who demanded Todd
come and visit her at the hospital. Being a lawyer herself, she would tell him
what she wanted. Money wasn
’
t the reason she married me; there was no reason for it
to suddenly and quite inappropriately play such an important part in our
relationship. My fortune was still mine, but since I felt so generous, she
’
d let me provide for our child, and if she
ever wanted to work with me, she
’
d just tell me, there was no need for
maneuvers
, trying to control her
…
I relented, just amazed at how
centered
she was about her own value to the world.
When I had thought, money would solve all my problems, she once again, proved
me wrong.
I thought her refusal was the end of it,
but somehow, my gesture made her fear of being controlled return full blast,
and within days, I could see a change in my wife. She was more guarded towards
me, and when I questioned her, she always retorted it was her, her issues, and
she
’
d get past them
…
eventually.
But before we had time to ponder on these,
the news that her cervix was still slowly dilating brought a new set of
worries. As days went by, I could see and feel her retreat within herself. I
knew she was scared, terrified even, and I was helpless.
She followed doctors
’
orders without flinching, putting a brave
front for me, her brother and her friends who visited every day; yet, her
nervousness and fear increased to a breaking point, when at week 30 she asked
for Todd to draw a will, and advised me to do the same. I was stunned, but
complied after discussing with the medical team as they were telling me my wife
was depressed, and anything that would reassure her was to be done.
Showering her with love seems to irritate
her more than anything, she suddenly seems to resent the pregnancy that once
made her glow, and I don
’
t know what to do. I almost wish she would
accept an immediate C-section so she can back being herself, but she won
’
t. Which I understand, we both want our
baby to be as healthy as possible and therefore delay delivery as long as her
body can sustain it.
Yes, the doctors are telling me, it
’
s the hormones, the stress of the current
situation, her personal history, a deadly combination that is making her
depressed and fearful. And, I
’
m not sure I am equipped to deal with it.
I didn
’
t notice it at first. I mean, we got
married on her first day at the hospital, and while complete bed rest was
prescribed, I never imagined it would affect our relationship as it has.
The first few days she was a cheery as
ever, her caustic sense of humour reminding me how strong she is and seeing she
was taking her new station in stride, I was not worried at all.
After a week, I had a conversation with
Lily and she mentioned the cold sweats, which I was aware of when Vi moved in
with me, but her friend told me they now happened every night several times a
night, and that was not a good sign for someone in her present condition.
I now understood why she insisted I didn
’
t spend the nights with her at the hospital.
She didn
’
t want me to witness them.
On the second week, I started to notice
her smile stopped reaching her eyes when I was talking.
On the third week, she all but remained
silent and prostrated in her bed, staring into space.
On the fourth week, she mentioned the
possibility of her death. A completely irrational idea according to the
doctors, but nonetheless something that suddenly tormented her until she had
new wills drawn.
We had another 4 to 6 weeks to go before a
hypothetic C-section, and I was at loss.
My pregnant wife was on full hysterics.
When Lily and I had raised the option for
her to talk to a therapist, she had bitterly laughed at us, saying,
”
And, do you really think I would talk to a
stranger about my fears when even the people close to me can
’
t seem to hear me? What could a therapist
do for me? Give me a few pills to relax?!
”
We had exchanged looks, and retreated.
All I could do was to be there for her,
and I was.
We now shared a complete hospital suite,
our two bedrooms next to each other, and I had taken the habit to come and
reassure her when she woke up sweaty and wailing in the middle of the night,
until she calmed down, and went back to sleep.
My own sleep pattern went haywire but I
didn
’
t care, I
’
d do whatever it took for her and my
daughter.
The baby was growing beautifully according
to all test results, but I sometimes felt my wife was dying in the process.
I almost wished Ethan were here. He would
know what to do. But he
’
d all but disappeared. Hadn
’
t returned any of my calls nor hers, and
even his housekeeper Marina told us she didn
’
t know where he was. Apparently, he had
returned to Sydney, dropped his bags and left the next day destination unknown.
At the start of her 5
th
week at
the hospital, Vi
’
s moods seemed to be lighter, as if she
’
s had an unforseen ray of hope appear in
the darkness. I didn
’
t question it, and was just happy she was
responding to life again, and was making visible efforts to not let complete
despair swallow her alive.
Lily apprised me of the origin of this new
attitude, and surprisingly, I didn
’
t feel anger, but relief. She mentioned
she had sent a look out for Ethan to bring him back here. I just didn
’
t care at this point if it was the man
from the moon who came and made my wife better.
When she told me it was Kevin looking for
him, I went into hysterical laughter,- my nerves, without a doubt-, asking her
if she was sure this was the best of ideas. She had deadpan replied, that, au
contraire, it was indeed a brilliant idea, not only Kevin was with Interpol,
but considering the history between the two of them, it
’
d ensure Ethan
’
s compliance.