The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (82 page)

You area slave to whatever controls you. 2 PETER 2:19

WHY ARE WE SO FEARFUL of negative emotions? Perhaps because we have seen friends who followed similar emotions and made poor decisions. They did what they felt like doing, and everyone around them suffered.

We must distinguish between negative feelings and negative actions. For example, let's say you are feeling sad about the emotional distance between you and your spouse. You could share these feelings and seek to build your relationship-a wise approach. On the other hand, you could have an affair with someone else-an extremely foolish approach.

Emotions always stimulate us to take action. However, we must make responsible decisions. We don't choose our emotions, but we do choose our actions. Our emotions do not have to control us. In fact, if they do, we become slaves to them, according to 2 Peter 2:19. Emotions are not our masters, but they can be valuable tools.

Sharing your emotions with your spouse opens the possibility of additional insights. Failure to share emotions limits your thoughts and actions to your own wisdom. The Scriptures say two are better than one (see Ecclesiastes 4:9). Remember, at the heart of marriage is the idea of sharing life. Emotions are a part of life.

Father, thank you for giving me the opportunity to share joys and sorrows with my spouse. When 1 do that, the joys are magnified and the sorrows are lessened. That's a wonderful gift. Please help us to share our emotions with each other more freely.

Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many. HEBREWS 12:15

YOUR SPOUSE HURT YOU DEEPLY, and you are feeling angry. What are you going to do about it?

Anger is a natural emotion when we have been wronged. But if it is not handled properly, it can be extremely destructive. The book of Hebrews warns against letting the "poisonous root of bitterness" grow, because it can bring trouble, corruption, and hardened hearts. Given this truth, how should we react when we become angry?

One response is to repress the anger-holding it inside and letting it smolder. When we do this, the unexpressed anger grows into bitterness and becomes a malignant cancer that slowly destroys the fiber of life. Another response is an uncontrolled expression of anger. Like an explosion, it destroys everything in its range. Such an outburst is like an emotional heart attack and may produce permanent damage.

There is a better way. It begins by saying to yourself, I'm extremely angry about what my spouse has done. But I will not allow his or her wrong to destroy me, and I will not attempt to destroy him or her. I will turn my spouse over to God, who is just, and I will release my anger to him.

Lord Jesus, you know that there are times when my heart is bitter toward my spouse. Please help me to stop focusing on the wrong that) experienced and instead turn the situation over to you. I know you can heal me, Jesus.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. EPHESIANS 4:31

YOU HAVE A RIGHT to feel angry, but not bitter! Yes, you are within your rights to feel angry, but you do not have the right to destroy one of God's creatures-yourself.

In the Bible, bitterness is always viewed as sin because it results from a choice. The feeling of anger cannot be avoided, but bitterness results from a daily choice to let anger live in your heart. Thus, in Ephesians 4, Paul directs believers to get rid of bitterness. The author of Hebrews warns us not to let bitterness take root, lest it corrupt us and turn us away from the faith (see 12:15). We must confess bitterness as sin and accept God's forgiveness.

Still, it's important to realize that a one-time confession of bitterness may not alleviate all hostile feelings. If you have been harboring the bitterness for a long time, the feelings that accompany the bitter attitude may be slow to die.

What do you do when thoughts and feelings of anger and bitterness return? You might pray, "Father, you know what I'm thinking and feeling, but I have given those emotions to you. Now help me to do something good with my life today." Regardless of the circumstances, let God love your spouse through you.

Father, sometimes 1 want to hold onto my anger and bitterness. It feels good momentarily, but overtime it hardens my heart and changes the wayI view my spouse. I confess my bitterness to you and ask for your forgiveness. Please help me to let it go-now and each time it comes back.

Avoiding a fight is a mark of honor; only fools insist on quarreling.

PROVERBS 20:3

I'VE OFTEN HEARD this comment in counseling sessions: "I don't like to talk with my spouse because we always end up arguing!" Some people love to argue; others do not. The Bible says that it's honorable to avoid a fight and wise not to quarrel. That's a good rule of thumb for marriage, but that doesn't mean you should shut down communication altogether. Do you ever withdraw from conversation because you fear an argument? That may be a natural reaction, but where does it lead? To silence and isolation. That's not a growing marriage.

How can you learn to talk with an argumentative spouse without arguing? First of all, acknowledge that you have a problem: Fear of arguments is keeping you from effective communication. You need to share this with your spouse. You might say, "I really want us to have a good marriage with good communication. I think that is what you want, too, but I need to share something. Lately, I've drawn back from talking with you because I am afraid that we will get into an argument. Have you noticed that?" Wow! Now you have laid it on the table. Your spouse has a chance to respond. Whatever he or she says, I suggest you offer the following idea: "Could we agree to dedicate one night a week to arguing? The rest of the week we could talk about the good things in our lives"

Your spouse may well be open to this new format. After all, why argue all the time if you can limit it to one evening a week? If an issue comes up that you need to address, commit to discussing it calmly. If you can't do that, write it down and come back to it at your designated "conflict discussion" time. And if you are the argumentative spouse, perhaps you can be the one to suggest this new idea. You may see your communication blossom when the threat of constant argument is gone.

Lord God, sometimes our different levels of comfort with conflict and arguing cause our communication to shutdown. Help me to be aware of when either my spouse or 1 am shutting down because of quarreling. Please give us the restraint to discuss things calmly and communicate well without constant arguing.