The days inched by and Peta deteriorated. Troy would walk into that room, forcing a smile to hide the pain and worry of seeing her so fragile. He knew Peta wasn’t going to make it much longer without a new heart. They saw lots of deaths in the papers but none of the deceased were donors. It felt so wrong to be wishing someone to die, but he wanted Peta to live. He needed her. He loved her. He was going to marry her.
‘Peta, baby?’ he said as he held her hand. He stretched his fingers out to gently caress her cheek, so pale, so sickly. Her eyes flicked open. Inside her dying body her soul still shone brightly. ‘You know you’ll get a heart right? You know how I know?’ She moved her head to show she was listening. ‘Because we’re going to be together forever.’ Troy pulled out the little box from his pocket, opened it and rested it on his hand for her to see. ‘Will you marry me, Peta?’
He watched a tear roll down her cheek.
‘I’ve had this ring for a while now. I’ve been trying to think up the most perfect way to ask you and then I thought, why wait?’ He glanced around the hospital room. ‘We met here and this hospital has been a place of miracles for us both. We don’t need a fancy romantic setting because we already have it. I fell in love with you in this hospital so it only seems right to ask you to marry me here.’ She smiled weakly as more tears rolled to her pillow.
‘So what do you say, my beautiful girl? Will you put me out of my misery and say you’ll marry me?’
He tried to tell himself that he’d asked Peta to marry him to give her strength to go on, not because he was worried she wouldn’t make it and never know how much he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.
‘Oh Troy,’ she whispered.
Troy’s chest swelled with pride as he watched Peta lift herself up. She reached for his face, caressing his cheek. ‘Yes, a thousand times, yes.’
He took her hand in his and lent over to kiss her. ‘You’ll never regret it,’ he said with a smile as he gazed into her eyes. Her body was failing her but Peta’s spark was still there in her eyes. Using his thumb he brushed away the last of her tears and then held her hand to his lips. He kissed her ring finger and slipped the ring on. ‘I’ll leave this right here where you can see it.’
Peta gazed at the simple diamond ring.
Just seeing her smile lifted his spirits. She was so strong, such a fighter. He knew she’d live. Leaning over, he kissed her lips. Peta was so beautiful.
‘I love you, Troy.’
‘I love you, too. Now get some rest.’ He tucked back her hair.
She swallowed and winced. ‘More water.’
‘Sure, Mrs Mitchell.’ Troy went to fill up her cup but the jug was empty. ‘I’ll be right back.’ He had hardly made it down the passage when an alarm went off. It wasn’t until some nurses ran past him that his heart plummeted. He dropped the plastic jug to the floor with a thud. He sprinted after the nurses down the corridor. He was gone before the jug bounced again.
He ran like a cheetah with long lean strides. He had no feeling – his mind consumed with the fear that they were rushing to Peta. At the door to her room it was confirmed. Nurses and a doctor were working on her. He knew he should ring her parents, but he was frozen. They’d laid her down and were getting ready to use the defibrillator. Someone shouted ‘clear’ and Peta’s body jumped.
Troy squeezed his eyes shut. ‘Please god, don’t let her die,’ he whispered. ‘Not my Peta.’ They had plans . . .
Dr Kaitlyn looked across to the monitor and then glanced to Troy. ‘She’s back with us, for the time being,’ she added. ‘You might want to let her parents know.’
Troy raced out to the waiting room to ring Lauren and Ross. Lauren answered but when Troy began to tell her what had happened he heard the phone drop with a loud clang, followed by her sob. Ross came on the line and Troy explained that they’d brought her back. ‘We’re on our way,’ Ross said. The horror that had been in their voices, the sob he’d heard from Lauren, the memory of Peta as the defibrillator rattled her poor body, it was all too much. Troy sank to the floor. He narrowly missed hitting himself on the chair as his tears overflowed like a bursting dam bank. He’d suppressed it for as long as he could. He crunched over, clamping his mouth shut to keep his agonising sobs to himself.
He wasn’t sure how long he’d cried, but he felt a hand on his shoulder at some stage, tissues being handed to him.
‘She needs you, Troy.’ The voice belonged to Sharon. Troy cleaned up his face before he turned to her. ‘And that’s a beautiful ring you got Peta. It’s the first thing she looked at.’
‘Thanks,’ he mumbled. She helped him up, his shirt wet with tears. Sharon walked with him back to Peta’s room, leaving once he was settled in a chair beside her bed. He pulled her hand into his, kissed each of her fingers and then held them against his face. ‘Your folks are on their way.’ He didn’t know what else to say. ‘I love you so much, Peta.’ He would tell her that every minute of every day if it helped to give her the strength to carry on.
Ross and Lauren practically ran into her room, puffing as if they’d sprinted the whole way. As Lauren went to her side Ross approached Troy and placed his hand on his shoulder. ‘How is she?’
‘Alive.’ It came out as a whisper.
‘We heard on the radio as we came in that there was an accident on the Kwinana Freeway and that there were two serious injuries and a fatality. This might be it,’ he said, his voice full of hope.
But the victim of the accident wasn’t a donor, and Peta Lucy Wallace passed away the following morning as the first rays of sunlight spread through her room.
Troy had never known such grief. He watched it pour out of Peta’s family and friends. So much sadness, so much pain. How could he go on?
His mum rang him that night to see how his exams had gone. He’d missed the last few. Just hearing his mum’s voice made him break down again. He cried like a baby, his mum crying on the other end for him, for his pain. He wanted her to hold him, tell him it was just a bad dream. He wanted his Peta back.
His parents and Gerry came down for the funeral. So many people, spilling out like a sea of black. Hundreds had come to pay their respects. Freddie even managed to get a leave pass from the club. He was going to wear a black armband for Peta at the next game, but Troy was hardly listening. All he could do was think about Peta’s loved ones left behind. The pain, the sadness, the emptiness. What if he was next? What if this was him in a year? Loving people was just too hard.
As he watched Lauren and Ross cling together in their grief, he knew he didn’t want that for his parents. He couldn’t bear the thought that they’d have to go through this. He needed to go away so he couldn’t hurt people. He didn’t want the ones he loved to suffer. They were all better off not knowing him. Troy decided he needed to fade off into the distance, where he couldn’t hurt anyone as much as Peta’s death had hurt him.
After the wake, he’d done just that.
INDI
drove to Troy’s house the following morning. She was nervous but she was still angry as well. She wanted to be near him, Grace or no Grace. Maybe she’d get some answers today.
It was just a daytrip to Perth. Troy had told her they would be home by late afternoon. She didn’t need to pack or think about staying a night alone with Troy. The confinement of his ute for six hours would be hard enough.
Indi got into his ute without a word. She’d worn her skinny jeans and knee-high boots, along with a black woollen long-sleeve top. The forecast for Perth was cold but dry.
Troy had been waiting for her. He offered her coffee from his thermos.
She hesitated a few seconds until the smell won her over and she accepted it. She took a sip and sighed. Just how she liked it. ‘Don’t think this is helping you get back in my good books,’ she said.
It didn’t help that Troy smelt delicious and that any man bearing coffee was a god in her eyes. But that didn’t stop her from refusing to make conversation for the whole trip, except to ask him to pull over in Corrigin for a toilet stop. She listened to his music, turning it up to make sure there was no room for conversation, and spent the whole time looking out the window. Every now and then the light would be in the right spot so that she could see his reflection, and she could study Troy. It reminded her of their kiss. She could feel her face flush with the memory. Indi had never felt like this before, so deeply affected. She wanted more of Troy. She knew he had enjoyed kissing her too, so why had he run to Grace? There were a million questions in her mind but she didn’t want to start anything with Troy when she couldn’t escape his ute. It was uncomfortable enough already.
Soon the scenery changed from large green paddocks to trees and then houses as they reached the outskirts of Perth. She’d had to bite her tongue a few times to stop herself from asking where they were going.
Troy was heading towards the city and as they got close to Victoria Park he turned off Shepperton Road. Minutes later he was pulling into a large car park. It wasn’t full and from where Troy parked she could see a big oval.
‘Where are we?’ she asked.
‘Browns Stadium. Come on.’
Troy waited by the bonnet as she got out, stretched each arm and then made her way over to him. He led her through some large trees to the grassed area on the side of the oval. On the opposite side she could see the clubhouse and stands. Why would he bring her to a footy match? Maybe this was a team Troy once coached?
Troy stopped and sat down on the grass, gesturing for her to do the same. When she didn’t move straight away, he said, ‘Please, Indi.’
As she sat down, a good half a metre from him, he pulled a packet of Chicos from his pocket, opened them and offered them to Indi. She had to admit, she was hungry. She grabbed a handful. ‘Thanks.’
They sat in silence, chewing on Chicos while a few more people found places around them. But the crowd was rather small. Maybe the teams were on the bottom of the ladder, like the Saints had been.
‘I’ve been meaning to bring you here for a while. Well, not here exactly, but to one of these games,’ said Troy.
Indi gave him a blank look.
He turned back to the oval. ‘They’re part of the WAWFL. Women’s football.’
‘I see,’ said Indi. Troy had brought her to a girls’ footy game?
She watched in silence as the teams came out onto the field and began to play. Troy threw the bag of Chicos back at her. It would tide her over until lunch.
The game really wasn’t that bad. Some of the girls had impressive skills and no doubt, just like her, had grown up playing the game. Indi shivered from the cold and then regretted it as Troy put his big jacket over her. It warmed her instantly. But now she was encompassed in the delicious scent of Troy. She hunkered down into the jacket, then glanced at Troy. He sat with his legs crossed, his black hoodie hopefully keeping him warm enough. But what did she care?
‘What do you think? Some of them are pretty good, hey? You’d show up most of them though.’ Troy didn’t smile. He was being serious. Did he really think she was that good? That knowledge just made her feel even more confused.
‘Some of them are brilliant. I’d actually looked into joining a team when I was in Perth. I wasn’t far from joining when . . .’ Indi let her words trail off.
‘Your mum got sick?’ he said, his voice gentle.
She could only nod.
‘Have you thought of coming back to play?’ Troy was picking at the grass between his legs.
‘No. I never gave joining a team any thought after that. Hyden’s my home now. Life changes and your priorities change. Besides, I still get to have a kick with the boys. That’s enough for me.’
‘You sure? Like I said, you’d be great out there.’ Troy cleared his throat. ‘I won’t be repeating this but Jasper was right when he said you’re better than some of the guys on the team.’
Indi couldn’t help it, she smiled. Coming from Troy, this meant a lot. ‘Thanks. Don’t worry; no one would believe you’d ever said it.’ Indi admired the women in their footy gear. ‘You know, seeing them out there I do feel envious. Growing up I just wanted to be able to play and be taken seriously as a player. But now that all seems far less important than living at home and supporting the club. Life goes on and I guess I found something I’m more passionate about.’
‘Hearing you talk makes me homesick,’ Troy said. ‘The way you love your town and its people, it makes me miss my family farm and you nearly make me wish I could settle somewhere again. A place where I could feel like you do.’
‘Who’s to say you won’t? Maybe Hyden is just the place. Shall I run you through what we have to offer?’
Troy leaned his head back and laughed. ‘No, I think you’ve done that enough already. I think I could become a tour guide myself now after hanging out with you,’ he said.
They fell quiet again and Indi wondered what else was playing on Troy’s mind. A few times he went to speak but lost his nerve. She snuggled into his jacket and waited.
‘I used to come and watch a few of the WAWFL games. A while back now.’ Troy was chewing on his lower lip. It was deliciously distracting.
‘Really? You had an old girlfriend who used to play?’ she asked.
‘No, she didn’t play but Peta brought me to a game. When I got sick as a kid – I had a bad virus – I had to give up football. It nearly killed me. But Peta . . . well, she blew into my life and brought me to one of these games and told me that I could still have that future in football, just different to how I’d always pictured it. She was . . .’ Troy stopped.
Indi turned, leaning closer to him. His face was tense and his eyes sad. Her heart ached for him. ‘She was something special?’ she said. He didn’t need to answer. Indi could tell just by looking at Troy that Peta had meant the world to him.
He turned his gaze to her, his eyes drinking her in. ‘Yes, she was my first love and I was going to spend the rest of my life with her.’
Troy smiled but there were tears in his eyes.
‘She, um, passed away before we married.’ He went back to picking at the grass. ‘I had it all planned out, you know. We’d been together for three amazing years and just like that she was gone. I don’t think I’ve ever quite got over it.’ Troy turned his head away.
The fact that he was so cut up, his emotions oozing out of his normally hard shell, shocked Indi a little. She reached over and squeezed his arm. ‘I’m so sorry.’
Troy kept his head tilted away but his hand came to rest on hers. Indi realised she had shuffled closer towards him. She drew her hand back, regretting the loss of warmth, hating that she missed his touch. She was trying to understand what all this meant. Did Troy not want to get into anything with her because of Peta?
Indi didn’t know what else to say so she just sat quietly by his side, and Troy didn’t speak about it any further. She figured he’d opened up enough for one day.
After the footy finished they went to a café for lunch. As they headed back to the ute, Troy asked if there was anything she wanted to do in the city while they were there.
‘No, I’m good.’
‘Do you mind if I make a quick stop before we go home?’ he asked.
‘Of course not.’ She wasn’t in any rush. Just being with Troy on her own was special. It was as if he wanted to trust her, to open up to someone – and he hadn’t brought Grace.
Troy drove to the other side of the city and pulled into a large cemetery.
His fingers gripped the steering wheel. ‘You don’t have to come,’ he said. ‘I won’t be long.’ She could tell that he’d appreciate some company.
‘It’s okay. I don’t mind,’ Indi said, even though she hated cemeteries.
Troy locked his ute, but not before he pulled out a bunch of flowers from the esky on the back seat. He smiled. ‘Mrs Bateson put these together for me.’
‘Yeah, she’s good like that.’ As they walked through the rows of headstones Indi knew who they were off to see. They arrived at Peta’s grave and Indi noticed the date on the headstone: it was the anniversary of Peta’s death.
Troy put the flowers in the little vase, plucked out one of the yellow daisies and kept it in his hand. He crouched down, his fingers trailing over her name on the headstone. Tears filled Indi’s eyes, not for a girl she’d never known, but for the love that Troy had lost. She did the sums – Peta was twenty-three years old when she died, Troy had been only twenty-one.
‘She was my age,’ Indi whispered.
Troy stood up, his smile so heartbreakingly sad. Indi stepped towards him and hugged him. She felt his arms wrap around her and he dropped his head to her shoulder. ‘Thanks, Indi,’ he whispered before she pulled away.
Indi stepped aside, letting him have some time alone. She wondered if he spoke aloud to Peta. If he did, what would he be saying? But the question burning the most was how she died. Was Troy there? Was it a car accident?
After five minutes Troy returned to her side, the yellow daisy still in his hand. On the way back he took her a different route and paused to put the flower on the grave of a young man called George Gilbert. On his headstone it read, ‘Taken from us too soon.’
‘Another friend?’ she asked.
‘Yeah, he was a real lifesaver. You ready for home?’ he said, changing the subject. Indi would have loved to hear all about Peta and George but Troy remained silent. Bringing Indi here today was probably as close as he could get to sharing and she’d just have to be happy with that – for now.
‘Let’s go.’ Indi hooked her arm through Troy’s and he didn’t push her away. If anything, he pulled her closer as if needing her strength to walk. It was another long and quiet drive home, but for very different reasons.
When Troy finally pulled up in his driveway, the sun was just touching the horizon, casting golden beams through the clouds.
‘Indi, I want you to understand that we will never be more than friends.’ Troy couldn’t keep his gaze on her. Instead he stared at the steering wheel. ‘I’m still not over Peta and I don’t want to hurt you. I’m a bit messed up,’ he said with a shrug.
Indi leaned across, putting her hand on his thigh. He tensed. ‘I’ll always be your friend, Troy.’ She said what he wanted to hear but deep down Indi knew she’d always be hoping for more, hoping that one day he’d be ready to move on and into another meaningful relationship, hoping it would be with her.
‘I’m glad you told me about Peta, and one day I hope you’re ready to tell me more about her and her life.’
Troy should be remembering what they had, sharing it, reliving it with joy, not holding it in. Four years was a long time to bury something like that.
His hand went over hers, but he kept his head down, as if afraid to face her. ‘Thanks, Indi. I don’t . . . I’ve never . . . I’m no good with talking about the hard stuff, you know.’
Indi smiled. ‘Yeah, I know. See you at training.’ She slid her hand off his leg and shuffled out of his ute. She felt like he’d shared something deep and meaningful with her but at the same time he’d made sure to keep her at a distance.
Indi realised she was still wearing Troy’s jacket and later that night, when she crawled into bed, she kept it by her pillow. His powerful scent of woodland spices kept her tingling with desire.
Her heart was too heavily invested to give up on Troy now.