The Pages We Forget (24 page)

So down and out,

I don't know what to do.

CHORUS:

I'm remembering how it used to be.

I'm missing you, oh can't you see.

I'm not the same, without you here.

I'm remembering, you my dear.

You were my first,

my first love.

To you I gave my all,

but it was not enough.

You broke my heart,

still no one can take your place.

You left tracks of tears

across my face.

CHORUS

What will it take

to bring you back?

I'm on my knees

begging please.

It's been too long;

Boy, I miss what we had.

Since you've been gone,

I've been so sad.

CHORUS

(repeat to fade)

“I
love her as much as any man could love a woman. I mean, I don't know what I'd do without her. I tried to do what I thought was right by helping her find you, but the second she walked away from me, my whole world fell apart. I wasn't even sure how I would wake up the next morning without her beside me. I'm not telling you this because I want you to run away and ignore her again. That's not what I want, especially not now. But I hope you'll understand and consider how much she means to Trevor and to me.”

Alex glanced over at Keith, who stared blankly ahead. “I guess the real reason I'm telling you this is because I'm lost and I don't know what to do or what to expect anymore. Now that she's found you, I feel like I'm losing her. I haven't felt this threatened or scared since the day your father passed and she flew home hoping to see you. I made her leave Trevor at home with me, as sort of a guarantee that she would be back. That's how much I love her. But sometimes that's not enough for her. And the truth is it's because of you. Please don't take that the wrong way. It's just that you still have a place in her heart, a place that no one else will ever be able to occupy. I don't know what happened between the two of you back then, but she hasn't been able to get past it.”

“Neither have I,” Keith mumbled without taking his eyes off of the road or Kathryn's car. As they crossed the bridge over the Suwannee River into Dixie County, he could see June in the back-seat
of Kathryn's car. “I asked to ride with you because I wanted to thank you.”

“Thank me?” Alex asked.

“For being there for Junie after I—”

“After you left?”

Keith answered by nodding his head as he continued staring ahead.

“I know it's none of my business and I already know you don't want to talk about it, but I need to know what happened that night. Why did you leave?”

“What did Junie tell you?”

“She doesn't know,” Alex answered. “But she needs to know why you left. That's why she came here looking for you.”

The blank expression on Keith's face suggested he wasn't listening, but Alex wasn't buying it. Keith had taken in every word he said, there was no denying it. Alex had seen this look before. June wore it often, and he recognized the nonchalant expression as nothing more than a mask. A way of distancing herself from the torrent of repressed emotions surrounding that part of her life.

Keith wore the same mask.

“So, why won't you talk to her? Or to me if talking to her is too difficult? That night has haunted her for way too long. And it's time, man. You have to put her mind at ease.”

Alex anxiously awaited a response from Keith, but none came. He was hoping Keith would finally answer the question that had plagued not only June's life, but his own life. What he didn't expect was for Keith to suddenly confess to him what he hadn't told his mother, father or anyone else. It was easy to see that this man, who reminded him of his son Trevor, was still running. Keith still couldn't look directly at his mother, Kathryn, or June. Whenever they spoke to him or came near him, he lowered his head and
retreated to a place inside himself far from the life and people he abandoned.

As the two cars headed north on U.S. 19 through Cross City and then Perry toward Hampton Springs, Bernard and Leatrice led a horde of photographers in another direction along Interstate 75. It was Bernard's idea to wait until about four a.m. to pull the limousine around to the rear entrance of the hospital and have Leatrice impersonate June, saying goodbye to everyone before getting in the car. That was sure to catch the attention of the photographers and videographers who had camped out across the street from the hospital since June was admitted. Bernard's plan was to have Alex tail the limousine in his car, and when the paparazzi pursued them, Kathryn would pull around to the emergency room entrance and pick up June. After Kathryn, June, Lucy Kaye and Trevor were well on their way to Hampton Springs, Alex and Keith would double back and meet them in Newberry, a small town west of Gainesville.

During the four weeks June was hospitalized, Dr. Wylie flew in from Detroit to work with the specialists at the Cancer Center. Tests showed that the cancer was in Stage Four, the most advanced stage. Distant metastasis had occurred and invaded organs outside the peritoneal cavity including the liver. Combinations of chemotherapy drugs were administered, but the cancer was very resistant. Kathryn even contacted one of the specialists cited in the article she'd saved and pleaded with him to come to Gainesville to evaluate June's condition. After speaking with the doctors already caring for June, he flew to Gainesville to pacify Kathryn.

“The drug we formulated won't be of any help now,” he informed Kathryn after he reviewed June's medical records and her most recent treatment results.

“Are you telling me there's nothing you can do to help my daughter?”

“The doctors here are doing everything possible,” he assured Kathryn. “I'm sure that Dr. Wylie will agree.”

Dr. Wylie, who was seated in a chair beside Kathryn, nodded his head yes.

“They're some of the most knowledgeable doctors and specialists in the country when it comes to cancer research,” Dr. Canon told Kathryn. “She's in very good hands.”

“Good hands? If she's in such good hands, how come she's not getting any better? I've sat here twenty-four hours a day for almost a month and I've watched doctor after doctor come in here and administer test after test. But, in case no one's noticed, all these tests are not making her better. My daughter is getting sicker. She has never been big, but she weighs less than a hundred pounds now. She's nothing but skin and bones. Her hair's all gone. And I'm starting to think she can't talk anymore because she hardly ever says a word. I'm losing my baby and I'm not going to just sit here and let that happen.” Kathryn's anger and frustration rose to the surface. “I want something done now. I want her up and feeling better. I want her laughing and talking with that little boy who has been lying in that bed beside her for the last four weeks. I need you to help her. I don't care about any tests. I just want you to help my baby get well.”

“I'll do all I can,” he reassured her and politely excused himself.

The next day, June made another decision that would change all of their lives.

“What do you think you're doing?” Alex marched in June's room and asked. “Dr. Wylie said you refused to go through the chemotherapy today.”

“I'm done,” June expressed in a dead pan manner.

“Sounds like you've given up.” He walked over to the bed. “Is that what you've done?”

“Sit up, baby,” June told Trevor, who lay beside her pretending to watch television.

“I asked you a question, Junie.”

June closed her eyes and turned away from Alex.

“You can look away if you want to, but you're not leaving here until you're okay! So, whatever it is you're cooking up in that head of yours, you can forget it.”

“I want to go home.”

“Junie, you're sick! You can't simply up and go home! What about your treatments? How are you supposed to get better if you don't finish the chemotherapy?”

“Please, Alex. I want to spend my birthday at home.”

“I know you're going through a lot, Junie, but we can't go to Michigan right now.”

“I'm not talking about Michigan. I want to go to Hampton Springs. Alex, I need to see Hampton Springs one more time before—”

“Junie.” Alex cut her off. “Please don't.”

“Then take me to Hampton Springs. I've already told Dr. Wylie that I'm leaving.”

Alex walked over to the window and looked out. He shook his head no. “Junie, I can't.” Alex turned around and noticed Keith sitting in a chair in the far corner of the room.

“If you won't take me, Keith says he will,” June said.

“Oh, really?” Alex turned to Keith. “So, did you help her make this decision?”

“No,” Keith answered. “I'm as much against it as you are, but I understand why she wants to go back.”

Alex understood, too, and like Keith, he wanted to give her everything she needed like he always did. However, this time doing so
would be like giving her permission to give up and die. “I'm sorry, but I can't,” he said.

When Dr. Wylie informed Kathryn of June's decision, Kathryn stormed into June's room. “What are you trying to do? If it is kill yourself, I won't be part of it! I'm your mother and I'm not going to help you die! You're going to stay right here and let the doctors do everything they can to help you! And you're going to help them by fighting! Do you hear me, Junie? You are going to fight!”

“I'm going home, Ma.”

“Over my dead body!”

“Ma, I'm twenty-nine years old, which means I don't have to get your permission. But, I do want you. No, I need you to—”

“You need me? For what? To help you die? If that's what you need, I'm sorry but my answer is no.”

Leatrice, who had been sitting in the room with June, put her arms around Kathryn. She and Lucy Kaye led Kathryn out of the room, leaving Alex, Keith and Trevor with June. Only a few seconds passed, but it felt like minutes before anyone spoke.

“Junie, you never did answer Alex's question,” Keith reminded her. “Have you given up?”

“No, I haven't.”

“So, why are you leaving?”

“Why? You want to know why I'm leaving?” she fired back. “For the same reason you left!”

Stunned by June's harsh retaliation, Keith stood and walked out of the room without saying another word or glancing her way.

“So, you're going to do what Junie wants to do and ignore the doctors and all the people who love you?” Alex asked. He never expected her to say what she did or to be so blunt and selfish.

“It's my life!”

“Your life?” Alex questioned. “Oh, really? So what about our son? Or have you forgotten about him? Tell me something, Junie. Are you going to give up and fade out of his life forever, or are you going to fight to stay here with him? The Junie I used to know would fight for him. She would never stop fighting for him!”

Alex turned and looked at Trevor, who was standing next to the window staring out. “I love you, Trevor. Don't ever forget that. Your dad loves you more than anything else in this world. And I will always love you.”

He walked out the door without bothering to look back at June.

Trevor stood with his head hung low. He didn't want to look at his mother, because he promised her he would be strong, that he wouldn't cry.

“Who's your favorite girl?” June tearfully asked.

“You are,” he answered, still not looking up at her.

“And who's my favorite boy?”

“Me…I guess.”

“You guess?”

Trevor tried his best to ignore her by focusing on a group of children playing in an enclosed playground behind the hospital. Under any other circumstances, he would have gladly joined them. Instead, he wondered how they could be so cheerful while someone they knew and loved was inside sick.

“You guess, Trevor?”

He heard her but he didn't know how to respond, so he continued his charade, which he justified by pointing to her own months of pretense. He began to wonder how different things would be if she had not chosen to keep this horrible truth to herself. Trevor wasn't sure what he was feeling now. It wasn't anger. He was certain of that. It wasn't sadness because he hadn't given up. He still believed
his mother was going to be all right. She promised him she would and that was enough for him. This feeling was one he'd never felt before.

“Trevor, I'm talking to you.”

“Why?” he yelled, still with his back to her.

June wasn't prepared for Trevor's question. Alex and Kathryn asked the same question, but she felt no special obligation to answer them. But her son was a different story. She couldn't let his life be ruined like her life had been by that same question: Why? She owed him an answer, but giving him one proved to be more difficult than she imagined. She could tell him the truth. Dr. Wylie told her the cancer was highly treatable when it was first diagnosed, but instead of following his treatment plans, she elected to wait until she found the answer to her question.

“Why?”

“I don't know, Trevor. You may not believe me, but I really don't know why. When I first found out, I didn't do anything because I was just praying it would go away. I made myself believe it would. At least for a while. When it didn't, I got scared, and I tried not to think about it. I was scared, Trevor.”

Trevor turned around and stared into June's tear-filled eyes. “Well, why are you leaving? Why won't you stay and let the doctors help you?”