Authors: Van Moody
Tags: #ebook
In his book
Good to Great
, Jim Collins uses the metaphor of a bus to represent a company or organization and writes of the importance of having the right people on the bus.
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In other words, the right people need to get together, get in their places, and move in the same direction in order for an entity or institution to become great. I believe whether the bus is a marriage or family, a church or ministry, a business, a civic organization, or some other group of people, if everyone is not headed toward the same destination and going in the same direction, the whole vehicle is in jeopardy.
You may have several buses in your life. For each one, having the right people in the right places and moving in the same direction is critical. These people and the great relationships you enjoy with them will continue to travel with you even if the bus of your life changes directions.
A relationship is going bad when a person cannot remain consistent and loyal in the face of stress or challenge.
When Paul, Barnabas, and John Mark left Cyprus on Paul’s first missionary journey, they knew they were headed into a dangerous place—a city called Perga in the region of Pamphylia, an area known for being riddled with bandits. No doubt their safety was in jeopardy, but Paul and Barnabas faced the daunting uncertainties
with valor. John Mark, however, abandoned them in Perga and went back to Jerusalem.
Many scholars speculate that John Mark left because he was frightened, perhaps by the prospect of being beaten or physically harmed in Pamphylia. To put it succinctly, he lacked courage. Or, as playground bullies from my childhood days would say, he was a scaredy-cat!
In Acts 15, Paul and Barnabas were in Jerusalem, attending the Jerusalem Council. After the meeting, Paul and Barnabas began to plan another journey, this time to visit some of the churches started during their first trip. Barnabas suggested to Paul that they take John Mark with them. It was a
bad
idea. Paul would not even entertain the thought of having John Mark on his team again. In fact, in the King James Version of Acts 15:38, when Paul says that John Mark “departed” from them, the Greek word used for
departed
is
apostana
,
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the root of the English word
apostasy
.
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Interestingly,
apostana
is the same word used in the parable of the sower to describe the seeds that do not take root and “fall away” when persecution comes (Luke 8:13). Clearly, Paul had no sympathy for John Mark and viewed his leaving Pamphylia as a true abandonment, and he is adamant about not wanting John Mark to travel with him again.
The issues in Paul and John Mark’s story remind me of the movie
300
, a fictionalized account of the ancient Battle of Thermopylae, when three hundred Spartans fought valiantly against a much larger and more powerful Persian army. At one point, the Spartan commander, King Leonidas, basically asks his men, “Who’s not ready for this?”
With this question, Leonidas gives his soldiers an opportunity to back out of the fight and go home. He knows he is up against a tremendous challenge, and the only people he wants around him
are those who share his vision, passion, commitment, and courage. He is well aware that having a halfhearted, intimidated soldier in his ranks is worse than having no soldier at all.
In the end, the formidable Persian troops suffer greatly for several reasons, but one of their biggest problems is that soldiers begin to desert the army, just as John Mark deserted Paul. In fact, many leave out of fear. In contrast, the Spartan army grows, and thirty thousand free Greeks join them, eventually stopping the Persian invasion of Greece. King Leonidas of Sparta knew exactly what Paul knew—that progress and victory of any kind depend on having the right people around you.
At the beginning of this book, you read Proverbs 13:20 in the epigraph: “He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.” The same principle is true with character qualities other than wisdom. The person who walks with strong people grows strong. The person who walks with faith-filled believers becomes full of faith. The person who walks with those who have confidence in God and in themselves becomes more and more confident every day. The people around you will so powerfully influence your character and your decisions that they will also impact your future in significant ways. Paul knew this, and that is why he didn’t want to be around John Mark. Paul understood that God had called him to a great work, something more than a weak, jealous, insecure, frightened person could handle. He knew that in order to obey God and fulfill His plan, he needed the people around him to be strong, courageous, and mature.
Likewise, I believe God is calling you to something great. You may not start churches; you may start a business or a family. You may not write epistles to churches; you may write a classic novel or a song people will sing for generations. Whatever God has planned
for you, it is a great work in His eyes, and the place where He is taking you will require faith and boldness. You will need people around you who inspire your faith with their own faith and who give you courage with their bravery. This is one of the biggest reasons relationships with people who shrink in the face of difficulty or fold under the pressure of challenges need to end. They do not necessarily have to end badly, as the relationship with Paul and John Mark did, but these people cannot go with you into your future even if they have been valuable in your past.
I have heard many stories from men and women who had big hopes and dreams but who needed support and encouragement. In some cases, these people were deeply disappointed and hurt because friends and coworkers who once encouraged them and seemed to be “for” them ended up deserting or distancing themselves at some point. Perhaps you have felt this way. Maybe you have had a John Mark in your life, and you believed that person would be with you for years, but now he or she has “gone back to Jerusalem.” That’s a painful experience. But from a positive perspective, if that person never was equipped to support you long-term, you are more likely to achieve your destiny without him or her.
In great relationships, you can reasonably expect people to get behind you and help you fulfill your dreams, and hopefully you can return the favor to them. True and lasting friends are not afraid to accompany you into your future. They will not run when pressure comes; they will support you through it, help you bear it, and continually remind you that your best days are ahead.
A relationship is going bad when you can no longer depend on someone who was once reliable.
In Acts 13:5, Luke describes John Mark as a “helper” or an assistant to Paul and Barnabas. The Greek word for
helper
is
hupereten
,
which is translated, “under rower.”
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The word picture this term creates is that of a large vessel with three decks of oarsmen, or under rowers. These laborers were seated on the three decks underneath the main deck and could not see where they were going or what was happening around them. Their job was to provide power and momentum for the vessel, even though they did not know where they were headed. To use biblical language, they were rowing “by faith, not by sight” (2 Cor. 5:7). To do this, they had to trust the captain on the top deck to take them safely to their final destination. The captain had a drum at his side and would beat out each stroke they needed to take.
Boom!
They took a stroke.
Boom!
They took another stroke.
Boom!
They rowed again.
The only sound the under rowers listened for was the beat of the captain’s drum.
If we read the Greek correctly in Acts 13:5, we clearly see that John Mark was supposed to be an under rower. His only job was to listen to the “drumbeat” of Barnabas and Saul, to follow their lead and do what they requested. When they decided to go to Pamphylia, John Mark the under rower should have gone with them; that’s what the beat told him to do.
The fact that John Mark deserted them upset Paul tremendously; the Greek indicates that he was furious!
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Apparently, John Mark’s lack of faithfulness to the work of the Lord was extremely hurtful to Paul for quite a long time (Acts 15:37–38). In fact, I believe it was such a disappointment to Paul that he would later write that faithfulness is absolutely mandatory for the Christian life: “Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful” (1 Cor. 4:2).
D
O
Y
OU
K
NOW
J
OHN
M
ARK
?
Have you ever had an experience like Paul had with John Mark? Has anyone ever come into your life and been dependable for a season, then given up on you or abandoned you? Just as John Mark’s actions were hurtful to Paul, the behavior of a friend, family member, or colleague may have disappointed you. I want to encourage you with this thought: You are working your way through a book that I pray is giving you new insights and fresh wisdom for the way you develop and handle your relationships from this point onward. As you ponder the insights and apply the lessons you have learned, you will increasingly make better choices about the people in your life. I do not want to imply that you will never be hurt or abandoned again; you may. Other people’s choices are beyond your control. But I hope to inspire you, if you are still suffering over a relationship that has gone bad, to believe that great relationships are possible and to pursue them carefully, prayerfully, and with great faith.
I also know that sometimes, for your own good, you must bring a relationship to a close or allow the other person to walk away from it. Trying to do that with little instruction or experience can make the situation extremely painful for you and the other person, so I would like to devote the remainder of this chapter to some practical ways you can end a relationship when you need to do so.
W
HO
A
RE
Y
OU
?
In order to determine if a relationship needs to end, the first step is to raise a critical question: Are you a Paul or are you a Barnabas?
The answer is important because it will help you determine your relational style and priorities. It will also clarify your motives toward the person from whom you need to separate.
You’ll recall that before Paul and Barnabas’s second trip, Barnabas asked Paul if they could take John Mark with them, and Paul responded with an emphatic “No!” (Acts 15:36–40). This clearly shows us the differences between the relationship philosophies of Paul and Barnabas.
For Paul, the ministry is too important and the work too demanding to lean on someone who has once been unreliable and could easily be unreliable again. For Barnabas, the work is a venue in which John Mark can receive the encouragement he needs, which is what Barnabas does best. In John Mark, Paul sees a liability; Barnabas sees potential. Paul is not willing to compromise the work for the sake of someone who has not been loyal, while Barnabas wants to risk supporting and encouraging John Mark and giving him a second chance. Paul’s perspective on relationships can be summarized in the question, how can this person add value to where I’m going and what I’m doing? Barnabas’s perspective on relationships is rooted in the question, how can I add value to this person?
A key point about the differences between Paul and Barnabas is that you can be like Paul in one situation and like Barnabas in another. Because every individual is special and unique, and because no set of circumstances is identical to another, you may need to play the role of Paul in some situations and the role of Barnabas in others. Some experiences may call for you to say, “No, I cannot risk investing in this relationship again. What I need to accomplish is too important to be jeopardized.” Others may be good opportunities to give someone another chance while you provide needed support and encouragement. The important thing is to know which role to play in various types of situations.
W
HAT TO
D
O
W
HEN
Y
OU
N
EED TO
E
ND A
R
ELATIONSHIP
Once you have decided whether to approach the end of a relationship from Paul’s perspective or from Barnabas’s, you will have some other matters to ponder and pray about. I would like to offer some advice on three important questions most people ask themselves when they have to part ways with someone who has been valuable in the past:
• “How should I
think
about this situation?”
• “What do I
say
when I actually bring closure to the relationship?”
• “How do I
respond to others
when they ask why so-and-so and I aren’t friends anymore?” This also applies to business partners, ministry colleagues, and many other types of alliances.
How should I think?
I want to encourage you in two ways as you think about ending a relationship. First, be very clear about where God is leading you and why that requires the relationship to change. This understanding will give both you and the other person a clear rationale for ending a relationship, and the boldness to do it. Second, you must understand and believe that just as God brought the person with whom you are ending a relationship into your life, God will bring others into your life as well. Be patient, be prayerful, and be watchful, because He will bring you the people you need.
What should I say?
Let me suggest several things to consider if you have to tell someone you need to end a relationship.
• Be sincere. People know when someone is not being authentic.
• Be honest, but speak with love. The need for honesty does not give you the right to trample on anyone’s feelings, so choose your words wisely.
• Be clear about where you are on your life’s journey and what you need from a relationship. Clearly communicate why you need to make a change, using phrases such as, “Here’s what I really need . . .”