The Portable Roman Reader (Portable Library) (12 page)

PHÆDRIA: But little more than ninety guineas.

GETA: Ninety guineas? Ah! she’s very dear, Phaedria.

PHÆDRIA: She’s very cheap at that price.

GETA: Well, well, I’ll get ‘em.

PHÆDRIA (
hugging Geta):
There’s a good fellow!

GETA: Let me go, hands off.

PHÆDRIA: I want the money now.

GETA: You shall have it presently; but I must have Phormio’s assistance.

ANTIPHO: He’s ready; lay what burden on him you will, and hell bear it: he’s of all men truest to his friend.

GETA: Therefore let us hasten to him.

ANTIPHO: Have ye any farther occasion for me?

GETA: No; but go home, and comfort that poor creature, who is now, I know, quite dispirited with fear. Why d‘y’ stay?

ANTIPHO: There’s nothing that I can do with so good a will.

PHÆDRIA: How do you propose doing that?

GETA: I’ll tell you as we go; but make haste from hence.

(
Demipho and Chremes)

DEMIPHO: Why, what did you go to Lemnos for, Chremes? Have you brought your daughter with you?

CHREMES: No.

DEMIPHO: How so?

CHREMES: Her mother, seeing that I stayed here longer than ordinary, and that the girl was of an age that required a husband, is reported to have come here with all her family in search of me.

DEMlPHO: Pray what detained you so long there then, after you had heard it?

CHREMES: A disease.

DEMIPHO: How did you get it? Or what was it?

CHREMES: There’s a question! Old age itself is a disease: but the captain who brought them over told me that they arrived safe.

DEMIPHO: Have you heard what has happened to my son in my absence, Chremes?

CHREMES: ‘Tis that which now makes me uncertain what to do; for if I should marry her to a stranger, I must tell him how she’s my daughter, and who’s her mother: I know that you wish me as well as I do myself; but if one who was no relation before should marry her, he’ll be silent as long as there’s a good understanding betwixt us; but if he begins to have no value for me, I shall wish he did not know so much of me: and I’m afraid it should come to my wife’s knowledge; and should it, I’ve nothing to do but to brush off, and leave my house; for I’m the only friend I have at home.

DEMIPHO: I know it; and that’s what troubles me; nor will I desist, till I have performed all that I’ve promised you.

(
Geta
,
Chremes, and Demipho
)

GETA (
to himself, not seeing Chremes and Demipho
): Surely there never was a cunninger fellow than Phormio: I went to him, to inform him that money must be had, and how it might be got: he understood me before I had spoke half what I had to say: he rejoiced, commended me, enquired after the old man, and thanked the Gods that he had an opportunity to shew himself as much Phaedria’s friend as Antipho’s: I bade him wait for me at the market, where I would bring the old man to him: but here he is: who is that behind him? Egad, ‘tis Phædria’s father: but why, like a beast, should I be afraid? Because I have two in my power now to choose instead of one? ’Tis better, I think, to have two strings to a bow: I’ll set upon him that I first proposed; if I get it from him, ‘tis well; if I make nothing of him, then I must attack this newcomer.

ANTIPHO (
to himself):
I expect Geta here:—but surely that’s my uncle standing with my father there: Death! I’m in pain to know what effect his arrival will have on my father in my affair!

GETA (
to himself):
I’ll go up to ‘em. (
Aloud
) Welcome home, Master Chremes.

CHREMES: How is‘t, Geta?

GETA: I’m glad to see you safe returned.

CHREMES: I believe you.

GETA: How go affairs?

CHREMES: I meet with many alterations here, according to custom.

GETA: True: have you heard what has happened to Antipho?

CHREMES: Yes, all.

GETA (
to Demipho):
Have you informed him? What a shameful thing ‘tis, Chremes, to be so imposed upon!

DEMIPHO: That’s what I was talking to him about now.

GETA: By Hercules, as I was thinking seriously of it with myself, I believe I found a remedy to this evil.

CHREMES: What is it, Geta?

DEMIPHO: What remedy?

GETA: As I went from you, I happened to meet Phormio.

CHREMES: Who, Phormio?

GETA: The same that took the young woman’s part.

CHREMES: I know whom you mean.

GETA: I thought it proper to pump him first. I take him aside: “Phormio,” quoth I, “why don’t we see and make an end of this business by fair means rather than by foul? My master’s a generous man, and hates strife; I can assure you that all his friends have unanimously advised him to turn her out.”

ANTIPHO (
to himself
): What is the fellow about, or what will this come to at last?

GETA: Do you think he’s in any danger from the laws, if he should turn her out? He has had counsel about that; pshaw, you’ll have enough to do, if you go to law with him, he does not want words: but suppose you should cast him, he won’t lose his life, a little money will bring him off.“ When I perceived that what I had said had took down his courage, ”We are now alone here,“ continued I; ”hark y‘, what would you expect down to drop this suit, to have her sent back, and to let us be no more troubled with you?—“

ANTIPHO
(to himself
): Is the devil in him?

GETA: “—I very well know, if you should make a proposal any way just and reasonable, that he’s so good a man, you will not have three words to a bargain.”

DEMIPHO: By what authority did you say so?

CHREMES: He could not bring about what we want better.

ANTIPHO (
to himself ) :
I’m ruined!

CHREMES: Go on.

GETA: At first the fellow raved.

DEMIPHO: Why, what does he ask?

GETA: Ask? Too much.

CHREMES: Tell what he demands.

GETA: He talked of no less than a great talent. DEMIPHO: Hang the rascal: isn’t he ashamed?

GETA: I said as much to him. What, continued I, could he do more, if he was going to portion out an only daughter of his own? At that rate he has not gain’d much by not bringing one up, if another is found that he must give a fortune to: to be short, and passing over his impertinences, this was his final answer; I would, says he, at first have marry’d my friend’s daughter, as ‘twas reasonable I should; for I considered what inconveniences she would be subjected to, poor creature, by marrying into a rich family to be made a slave of: but, to be plain with you now, I wanted one that could bring in something to pay the little that I owe; therefore now, if Demipho will give as much with her, as I am to have with this that I’m engag’d to, I don’t know one in the world that I would sooner choose for a wife than her.

ANTIPHO (
to himself):
I can’t tell whether ‘tis folly or malice that makes him talk thus, whether he does it designedly or not.

DEMIPHO: What is’t to us if he owes his soul to any one?

GETA: He mortgaged a piece of ground, he says, for thirty guineas.

DEMIPHO: Well, well, let him marry her; I’ll give him as much.

GETA: And a house for thirty more.

DEMIPHO: Huy, huy! that’s too much.

CHREMES: Silence: you shall have these thirty from me.

GETA: A maid must be bought for his wife; then some more furniture is wanted; and the expense of the wedding is to be defrayed: these, says he, will require thirty more.

DEMIPHO: I’ll sooner bear six hundred actions against me; I’ll give nothing; shall I make myself a laughing-stock to the rogue?

CHREMES: Pray be quiet, I’ll pay the money; only do you prevail on your son to marry the woman we’d have him.

ANTIPHO (
to himself
): Ah! Geta, thou hast ruined me by thy treachery.

CHREMES: ‘Tis on my account she’s turned off; ’tis but just therefore that I should defray the expense.

GETA: Let me know as soon as you can, says he, that if they think fit to let me marry her, I may rid myself of the other, and not remain in an uncertainty; for they’ve appointed to pay me the fortune directly.

CHREMES: He shall have the money immediately; let him break off with the other, and marry this.

DEMIPHO: And ill luck go with him.

CHREMES: I have very seasonably brought money with me now, the rents of my wife’s farms at Lemnos; I’ll make use of part of that; and I’ll tell my wife that you wanted it. (
Chremes and Demipho go
.)

(
Antipho and Geta
)

ANTIPHO: Geta.

GETA: Ha!

ANTIPHO: What have you done?

GETA: I have cleanly chous’d the old men of the money.

ANTIPHO: Is that sufficient?

GETA: That I can’t tell, but I’ve done no more than I was ordered.

ANTIPHO: I’ll drub you; won’t you answer me to the purpose?

GETA: What d‘y’ mean?

ANTIPHO: What can I mean? You might as well giv’n me a halter as have done what you have. Heav’n and hell confound you for an example to such rascals! If any one wants to be brought out of a calm into a storm, I’d recommend him to you. What could you have done worse than have touched on this sore, or named my wife? You have giv’n my father hopes of his being able to turn her away. Prithee tell me now, if Phormio accepts the portion, he must marry her, what must be done then?

GETA: But he’ll not marry her.

ANTIPHO: I grant it: but when they demand the money of him back, our cause will be much the better I suppose.

GETA: There’s nothing, Antipho, but may be spoiled in the telling: the good you omit here; but you mention the bad: now hear me; if he takes the money, he must marry her, as you say; I admit it; but there must be a little time allow’d to prepare for the wedding, to invite friends, and to sacrifice: in the meanwhile the other will get the money which his friends promised him, and he may return it out of that.

ANTIPHO: How can that be? Or what excuse will he make?

GETA: Would you know? What strange prodigies, he may say, have happened to me since the agreement! A strange black dog came into my house, a snake fell off the tiles through the spout into my yard, my hen crowed, the soothsayer warned me, the fortune-teller forbad me to enter on any new business before winter; there can’t be better excuses: these will do.

ANTIPHO: Would they may.

GETA: They will; depend on me. Your father’s coming. Go, tell Phædria he shall have the money.

(
Antipho goes
)

(
Demipho
,
Geta, and Chremes
)

DEMIPHO: Be easy, I say; I’ll take care that he sha‘n’t impose upon us: I’ll never part with this rashly, but I’ll have witnesses present, when I give it; and I’ll have a memorandum taken of the occasion of my giving it.

GETA (
to himself
): How wary he is, where there is no reason!

CHREMES: ‘Tis necessary you should do so; and make haste, while he is in this same humor; for if that other woman insists on the contract, he may leave us perhaps in the lurch.

GETA: Well thought of.

DEMIPHO: Therefore show me to him.

GETA: As soon as you will.

CHREMES: When you have done this, go to my wife, that she may talk to her before she goes away: let her tell her that, to prevent any resentment on her side, we have agreed to marry her to Phormio, he being a proper match for her, being more intimate with her, that we have done our duty, having consented to give him as large a portion as he desired.

DEMIPHO: What have you to do with that?

CHREMES: A great deal. Demipho.

DEMIPHO: Is it not enough for you to do your duty, without being publicly applauded for it?

CHREMES: I’d have her consent to what we do, that she mayn’t say we force her away.

DEMIPHO: I can manage that myself.

CHREMES: Not so well as one woman can with another.

DEMIPHO: I’ll ask your wife to do it.

CHREMES (
to himself
): I am considering where I shall find those women now. (
They go
)

(
Sophrona and Chremes
)

SOPHRONA (
to herself, not seeing Chremes
): What shall I do? Where shall I find a friend in my distress? Or to whom can I relate my tale? Or where apply for aid? I’m afraid my mistress will suffer undeservedly for following my advice, I hear the young gentleman’s father is so enraged at what is done.

CHREMES (
to himself
): What old woman’s this, that comes panting from my brother’s?

SOPHRONA (
to herself
): Necessity compelled me to what I did (though I knew the match was not good), that I might contrive how to preserve her from want.

CHREMES (
to himself
): Certainly, if I don’t mistake, or if I’m not blind, that’s my daughter’s nurse I see there.

SOPHRONA (
to herself
): And her father—

CHREMES (
to himself
): What’s to be done?

SOPHRONA (
to herself
):—is not to be found—

CHREMES (
to himself
): Shall I go to her, or wait and hear what more she has to say?

SOPHRONA (
to herself
):—but if I can find him now, I shall not have any occasion to fear.

CHREMES (
to himself
): ‘Tis she: I’ll speak to her.

SOPHRONA (
to herself, hearingChremes
): Whose voice is that?

CHREMES: Sophrona.

SOPHRONA (
to herself
): And he names me!