The Possibilities of Sainthood (21 page)

. . . and a man wearing the standard issue papal hat strode through.

Gasps were uttered all around.

It was Cardinal Esposito. They chose the cardinal from Naples!

“Introducing Pope Gregory Paul IV,” said the reporter dramatically.

They did it, I thought. They actually did it. They chose a young, progressive pope!

As the cheering all around me resumed, I made a quick petition to St. Gabriel, praying that even on the days when popes went to their deaths, the mail arrived safely, securely, and was forwarded promptly into the right hands, i.e., those of the new Holy Father. I was sure now more than ever that if anyone would gamble on the first living saint in Catholic history, it would be Cardinal Esposito.

Excuse me: Pope Gregory Paul IV!

 

To: [email protected]
From: Antonia Lucia Labella [STMP: [email protected]]
Subject: URGENT: Overnighted Letter Proposal
Sent: December 16, 10:45 a.m.

 

To Whom It May Concern (ideally the newly elected Pope if he's available):

First I'd like to offer up my heartfelt CONGRATULATIONS about the election of Cardinal Esposito (well, Pope Gregory Paul IV) as our next Holy Father. What fantastic fortune for Catholics the world over, especially young ones like me! Of course, this is
not
to say that we do not mourn and wail for the death of the old pontiff, who will be remembered fondly by all, especially since you (I'm speaking specifically to Pope GPIV here) immediately put him on the road to sainthood the day of his funeral. Now, this act gives me pause, and, if I may point out, this is the THIRD time in recent history that the waiting period for someone's elevation to sainthood has been waived. I mean, we've gone from a fifty-year waiting period to a five-year one to zero in barely the blink of an eye!

Which brings me to the second reason for this e-mail. Pope Gregory Paul IV's new reign is cause for great celebration, and what better way to rejoice than by taking the sainthood process
one teeny step further
? I mean, everybody loves a saint. What's there not to love? We can talk to them, ask them for things, they give us comfort. We can
pick and choose our favorites and there is oh-so-much variety. But so far,
they have all been dead!
Let me assure you, I am not complaining since I still talk to them all the time and it doesn't bother me in the least that they have gone on to the big palace in the sky like my dad. But I have a fantastic idea for how GPIV can really show the world that he's a Pope
in the know
, a pontiff
on the cutting edge
, a Holy Father
ready to shepherd Catholics into the 21st century
!

GPIV should name the first living saint in Catholic history! It would really make a statement, I am confident.

This brings me to the third reason for this e-mail. I overnighted a
deeply important
letter to the Vatican Committee on Sainthood and to the attention of our dearly departed pontiff on the day of his tragic death. Amid all the uproar of the shock, the grieving, the funeral planning, I was wondering—did anybody sign for it? I mean, I should have opted for the confirmation of receipt when I sent it in the first place, but it was already expensive enough and I just didn't have the extra cash and Gram was already spotting me a few. I know you guys are busy and all, having just held the conclave (by the way, do you get to eat during that, or do they make you fast as an incentive to get it over with quicker?) and with preparing to celebrate our new Holy Father, but could somebody get back to me about whether or not you received my letter? I mean, I don't want to be a bother or anything, it's just that
this letter was
super important
and I would feel so much better knowing that it arrived.

Without going into detail, I'll just say it's an urgent matter of teenage-girl purity.

Thanks so much for your help, and again, my condolences and congratulations.

 

Blessings,
Antonia Lucia Labella
Labella's Market of Federal Hill
33 Atwells Avenue
Providence, RI USA
[email protected]

 

P.S. You can just respond with a quick e-mail to my inquiry. Really. No fancy letters with the Vatican seal or anything necessary. Just confirmation that the letter is in someone's holy hands!

•  •  •

 

To: [email protected]
From: Antonia Lucia Labella [STMP: [email protected]]
Subject: URGENT: Patron Saint of the First Kiss and
Kissing
Sent: December 17, 3 p.m.
Attachment:
kissingletter.doc

 

To Whom It May Concern (ideally the newly elected Pope if he's available):

Now that you've had some time to digest the wonderful news about our new pontiff (and a special hello to you, GPIV, if you are reading this
), I wanted to take this opportunity to introduce myself more formally. My name is Antonia Lucia Labella, I am fifteen years old (almost sixteen!), I live in Federal Hill, the proud Italian community of Providence, RI, and I am a big fan of the Vatican! I'd like to direct your attention, if you have not already done so—I don't know if you all switch jobs immediately with the new Pope and all, you know, like here in the U.S., when there's a new president, I mean, they just totally clear out the old administration to make room for the new—to my file kept in the Office of the Vatican Committee on Sainthood. If someone could just please take a second and make note of it, I'd really appreciate it.

And speaking of my file, if when you pull it out you happen to notice at the very top there is a letter proposing a Patron Saint of the First Kiss and Kissing, could you (a) read the proposal in its entirety and consider it carefully
and (b) shoot me a quick e-mail letting me know it arrived? I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks again for your time.

 

Blessings,
Antonia Lucia Labella
Labella's Market of Federal Hill
33 Atwells Avenue
Providence, RI USA
[email protected]

•  •  •

 

To: [email protected]
From: Antonia Lucia Labella [STMP: [email protected]]
Subject: URGENT: Patron Saint of the First Kiss and
Kissing
Sent: December 19, 9:35 p.m.
Attachment:
antoniatoastingnewpope.jpg

 

To Whom It May Concern (ideally the newly elected Pope if he's available):

It's me again. You know, Antonia Lucia Labella from Providence—the girl with the big file of letters proposing a wide variety of strangely overlooked saintly specializations that goes back almost nine years. If it hasn't caught your eye already, let me draw your attention to my latest campaign, that of the DESPERATE need for a Patron Saint for the First Kiss and Kissing, which, I assure you, is not only ideal for replacing the now fallen from grace St.
Valentine (I mean, no one can fault you for defrocking him and everything, since who needs a saint who
never even existed
, and speaking of which, let me take this moment to assure you that I, on the other hand, am very,
very
existent), but a Patron Saint of the First Kiss and Kissing would appeal to young people everywhere
and
celebrate the innocent side of love! And you guys love innocence over there, so I urge you to PLEASE READ MY LETTER if you have not already, and then send me a brief, even one-word (just a YES would do) confirmation that you received it.

Thanks!

 

Blessings,
Antonia Lucia Labella
Labella's Market of Federal Hill
33 Atwells Avenue
Providence, RI USA
[email protected]

 

P.S. I attached a new photo for my file! It's a picture of me toasting our new Holy Father as my family celebrates his wonderful first words to the world as Pope. And don't worry, that
is
red wine in my glass, but I'm only allowed to drink it at Sunday meals and on special occasions, like the election of a new pontiff. Though, not that it really matters, since you don't even have a drinking age in Italy, do you?

•  •  •

To: [email protected]
From: Antonia Lucia Labella [STMP: [email protected]]
Subject: URGENT: Testing
Sent: December 20, 2:06 p.m.

 

Hello?

This is a TEST e-mail. Is anybody there? Are you receiving my e-mails? If so, can you respond with a quick YES? It will only take a second, and let me tell you, that second would add YEARS to my future right now if you know what I mean.

Thanks!

 

Antonia Lucia Labella
Labella's Market of Federal Hill
33 Atwells Avenue
Providence, RI USA
[email protected]

I thought this day would never come.

It was Tuesday evening, the night of the Winter Formal and the beginning of holiday break. Maria and I stood next to each other, putting on makeup in her parents' bathroom, sharing the mirror.

The television blared in the background. “People are camped throughout St. Peter's Square, awaiting yet another audience with the new pontiff. He has already shocked Catholics all over the world with his progressive vision. There's been talk of women priests, gay marriage, and lifting the ban on birth control. Pope Gregory Paul IV has indicated that these issues and others are up for discussion. This has caused many Catholics to rejoice, but others are furious . . .”

My heart was racing. I was excited. I was anxious. Despite the urgent e-mails I'd sent to the Vatican, I'd heard nothing in response to my latest proposal. But then, I figured
I should give the Holy Father a few days to adjust and I had other things on my mind, too. I was headed to my first dance. I had to thank St. Emiliana, the Patron Saint of Single Laywomen, and St. Theobald, the Patron Saint of Single Men, that, unless you had a boyfriend or a girlfriend, most people went stag.

“You girls have a nice rest tonight,” my mother said as we were walking out the door earlier. Maria had come to pick me up. I was borrowing one of her dresses so my overnight bag wouldn't look suspicious. “And give your mother my thanks for hosting Antonia and making dinner. I need a break this evening after all this hoopla at the Vatican,
Madonna
.”

“Of course,” Maria answered, smiling. “I'll tell her as soon as we walk in the door.”

“And here,” my mother added, handing Maria a stack of tabloid newspapers in Italian. “Give these to your mother.”

“Thanks, Mrs. Labella. She'll be thrilled,” Maria said, taking them.

“Bye, Ma,” I said, giving her a peck on the cheek, dying to be off to Maria's. “Have a nice night with Gram. We'd better go. We don't want to be late for dinner.” I grabbed Maria's arm and we headed toward the door.

“Antonia! Maria!”

I rolled my eyes at my friend and nodded to the holy water next to the door. Dipping our fingers, we crossed ourselves and ran down the stairs, yelling “Bye!” as we went.

“Jesus thanks you,” my mother called. Her voice echoed down the stairwell as we reached the bottom, jumped in Maria's car, and sped off to her house.

“What do you think of all this upheaval, Bill?” The discussion from the television talking heads returned me to the task at hand: making myself look fantastic for the dance. “Well, there's been speculation that Gregory Paul IV might even consider letting the clergy marry,” said the man named Bill.

“Here, try this lipstick,” Maria said, handing me a black tube with a thick band of gold around the middle. “It's your favorite shade of red.”

“Pope Gregory Paul IV is wasting no time making a splash in his new reign, that's certain,” another voice continued. “But letting the clergy marry? I don't know that the Catholic hierarchy is ready to make that drastic a move.”

I took the cap off the lipstick, and inspected the deep color.

“Ooooh,” I exclaimed. “It's the same one Gram gave me. I love it. It's perfect!”

“Perfect for kissing, don't you think? Hmmm?” Maria proposed.

“I'm through worrying about that ambition. No more petitioning the saints about kissing, since they either ignore you or mess things up,” I said, staring at the lipstick in my hand, thinking how ironic it was to make such a proclamation while at the same time pestering the Vatican about a
Patron Saint of the First Kiss and Kissing. “Case in point: The Andy Attack.”

“Antonia.” Maria opened her mouth wide as she applied mascara to her already long eyelashes. “The thing with Andy, I admit, was unexpected. I thought he liked you.”