The Present and the Past (17 page)

‘To leave his grey hairs to go down to the grave!' said Kate, shaking her head. ‘Was it a son's part?'

‘A son's part has been done,' said Ainger. ‘I stand as a witness to it. Whatever has been left undone, it has not been that.'

‘Does the master love his father better than his wife?' said Simon.

‘It is not for you to gauge affections,' said Ainger, ‘or to introduce the family under relationships.'

‘On which side does your sympathy lie, Mr Ainger?' said Kate.

‘Kate, I will admit it. On the master's. It may not be the right one or the one favoured by the many, but it is mine. I follow an instinct. It is the guide.'

‘The mistress has done her best.'

‘And wholeheartedly I admit it. No one gives the mistress fuller credit than I. She has striven to her utmost. I am in a position to judge, as in a sense we work together.'

‘And what would you say for the master?'

‘I would say nothing. There is nothing to be said. But the heart does not follow the head's dictates. My eye goes after him as if he were my child.'

‘He is old enough to be your father,' said Madge.

‘No, there is not so much between us. A matter of a dozen years. It is more the distance of an elder brother.'

‘That is not your basis,' said Halliday.

‘It is not,' said Ainger, smiling. ‘I am rather in the position of the elder myself.'

‘And you are in another position too.'

‘And I hope I fulfil it, Halliday. I should think the less of myself if I did not. And I ask no other. It is a position of trust.'

‘Then we are all in one,' said Madge.

‘Wholeheartedly I admit it, Madge,' said Ainger.

‘Perhaps my distance is that of an elder sister,' said Mrs Frost.

‘Now we will not go through the whole gamut,' said Ainger.

‘Now that you have dealt with your own part in it.'

‘Well, I think I have a right to, Mrs Frost,' said Ainger, looking at her frankly. ‘It is one by itself.'

‘What is Simon's distance?' said Bennet, smiling.

‘My words may apply in Simon's case, Miss Bennet,' said Ainger.

‘The children are fonder of the mistress than the master,' said Kate.

‘I endorse it, Kate. And it is true of the elder young gentlemen. And the tribute to the mistress speaks. I wish sometimes that their hearts would turn to their father. His is open to them, if they knew. But if they did, he would do something to repel them; he is driven by something within. He is master of everyone in the house but himself.'

‘I am tired of talking about him,' said Halliday.

‘Then we will drop the subject,' said Ainger, in a pleasant tone.

‘I will resume it,' said Mrs Frost. ‘Is he ashamed of what he has done?'

Ainger smiled to himself.

‘Does silence mean consent?' said Kate.

‘It does not,' said Ainger. ‘The opposite is implied.'

‘What has he to be proud of?' said Halliday.

‘I don't know, Halliday. It does not seem to me that he has anything.'

‘He is not proud of this business?'

‘I would not say he is not. I said he was in some respects a child.'

‘It must have taken courage,' said Kate.

‘Courage or cowardice?' said Ainger, lifting his brows. ‘It must be a moot point.'

‘It may be both,' said Kate.

‘I call it courage,' said Bennet. ‘I should never dare to do it.'

‘Then of course you call it courage,' said Mrs Frost; ‘It is only right.'

‘There is something in it,' said Ainger. ‘To go alone into the dark! I don't see myself doing it, though I have the courage to face life.'

‘It is strange that we all have it,' said Kate.

‘I do admire myself,' said Madge.

‘Well, we know that,' said Halliday.

‘The round and task,' said Ainger. ‘There may be more in them than we know.'

‘There is not any more,' said Mrs Frost. ‘Ah, that is where the courage may lie.'

‘What next?' said Halliday. ‘You will soon think it needs courage to sit down to your meals.'

‘Well, who shall say?' said Ainger. ‘I will,' said Mrs Frost. ‘It needs none.'

‘I do not know,' said Ainger. ‘Meals may be a crucial point. I am often glad I do not sit down to those in the dining-room. It is enough to be a witness of them.'

‘It may be well to see how matters lie,' said Kate.

‘Essential is the word, Kate. It helps me to deal with them afterwards. Breakfast is often the key to my day.'

‘And to theirs too, I suppose,' said Madge.

‘To theirs too, Madge. We need not pursue the point. But I watch the signs with an anxious eye. I often stand behind that table with my heart standing still and my blood running cold.'

‘And does Simon do the same?' said Bennet.

‘He may speak for himself,' said Ainger.

‘No,' said Simon. ‘They usually seem to be polite.'

‘Polite!' said Ainger. ‘I prefer any other sign. If there is any sort of outlet, the air may clear. I know what my day is going to be, by the time I carry out those trays.'

‘How did you feel when you thought the master might die?' said Madge.

‘I will express it in a word, Madge. It is a good thing the suspense was short.'

‘I wonder if he is glad or sorry to be well again.'

‘Sorry, if he knows his own mind,' said Halliday.

‘I should not wish him to do that,' said Ainger. It would be to wish him not himself. I must try to give him hope.'

‘It is a pity you did not do that before.'

‘I have said that I blame myself.'

‘So you are not to blame any longer,' said Mrs Frost.

‘People tend to the view,' said Kate.

‘Then there are exceptions to the rule,' said Ainger, in a quiet tone.

‘Are the signs of low spirits easy to read?' said Kate.

‘Signs were wanting,' said Ainger, in a deeper tone. ‘He contrived not to give them. It is a point I do not miss. It shows the scope of the resolve.'

‘He must be in a shamefaced mood.'

‘No,' said Ainger, shaking his head with a smile, ‘he is lying on the sofa as if he were suffering from convalescence/And I cannot look at that sofa without a shudder, and the thought of him being carried away from it, white and still. I caught a glimpse of my own face in the glass, and it was the colour of a sheet.'

‘So you remembered to look at yourself as well as at him,' said Halliday.

‘It is a providence that I bethought myself to enter the room,' went on Ainger, as if he had not heard. ‘I pass over the shock to myself. It is a thing to be disposed of.'

‘Do you think he will do it again?' said Madge.

‘I do not. I have his word. I bethought myself to exact it.'

‘I should think Mr Clare would keep the tablets away from him,' said Bennet.

‘He may,' said Ainger. ‘He may scorn to do so.'

‘When did you see the master?' said Simon.

‘I have had free access to him all the time.'

‘You did not seem to avail yourself of it?' said Halliday.

Ainger looked at him for a moment.

‘Halliday, he lay unconscious.'

‘Were you able to say a word to him, when he was in the shadow?' said Kate.

‘I tried to lighten that passage for him, as I hope someone will one day do it for me.'

‘You talk as if he had died,' said Halliday.

‘The outcome was veiled in doubt.'

‘He was in the valley,' said Kate.

‘How does Mr Clare take it?' said Bennet.

‘As hard as would be expected. We have exchanged a word. But it is a case where feelings lie beyond.'

‘So you have had the position of general supporter,' said Halliday.

‘And little as accrues to me from it, I ask no other.'

‘What was the master's complaint against life?' said Kate. ‘Life itself,' said Ainger, in a deep tone. ‘What does the mistress say to all of it?'

‘Nothing as far as I am concerned. We are not on the terms. She maintains her distance, as she has a right. The gentlemen decide to ignore it.'

‘Does she feel it rebounds on her?' said Kate.

‘She has given no sign, nor not to me. It is not her tendency.'

‘How soon will the master be well?' said Madge.

‘He is able to talk today,' said Bennet. ‘Mrs Clare and his father are with him in the library. The children are to go later.'

‘He would have something to listen to, if I were in their place,' said Halliday.

‘Halliday, how your thoughts run on common lines!' said Ainger, seeming to control himself by an effort.

‘We can imagine the scene,' said Bennet, her tone recognizing the limits of this method.

‘I could be the first to do so,' said Ainger, ‘and in consequence am the last who wishes to. I feel the recoil.'

The scene was in progress at the moment, and was outwardly as was said. Cassius lay on the couch, and his father and his wife stood by him. It was the first occasion when talk could take its normal course.

‘Well, we cannot congratulate you on your recovery, my boy. It is the opposite of what you hoped.'

‘I hope you congratulate yourselves on it,' said Cassius, in a weak voice. Tor myself, I begin to see that life has its claims.'

‘Begin to see it! Then you took your time about arranging to get out of it.'

‘We have to stay where our lot is cast.'

‘That was not your view,' said his wife.

‘Ah, Flavia, I am hardly in the mood for that tone today. Things were somehow too much for me. I must learn to see them differently.'

‘They will not be different,' said Mr Clare. ‘It is a long habit to break.'

‘Does an attempt to escape from life give you a hold on it?' said Flavia. ‘It seems a method that might defeat itself.'

‘Ah, Flavia, you are yourself,' said Cassius. ‘And you do not remember that the same cannot be said of me.'

‘What was your reason for doing it, Cassius?'

‘I felt that life had little to give me, and that no one wanted what I had to give. It seemed to be time for my place to know me no more.'

‘Did you spare a thought to the rest of us?' said Mr Clare.

‘I did, my dear old father. I can tell you my actual thought. It was that you and I would soon be united, and that no one else had need of me.'

‘You may have had a grievance,' said his wife. ‘But not great enough to drive you to your death.'

‘You hardly seem serious, Flavia. Is it not a serious thing?'

‘I am trying to find out what it is.'

‘It is as I have told you. I will not try to estimate it. I may be a person whose hold on life is light.'

‘There is something about it I do not understand. I have no choice but to pursue it.'

‘No choice but to harass and harry me?' said Cassius, gently.

‘None but to try and discover your reason for what you did.'

‘To be without heart and hope is reason enough.'

‘Not for many of us, and not for you. I am not a stranger to you.'

‘My poor wife, that is just what you are. It is what you have always been. How clearly I see it! It did not make me less alone.'

‘What was in your mind? Or what was on it? I ask you to tell me the truth.'

‘I am not the hero of a detective story, Flavia.'

‘You need not be so longer than you like,' said Mr Clare.

‘You cannot face the truth,' said Cassius, looking at his wife. ‘You know it and will not accept it. There is no more to be said.'

‘More will be said and more will be thought. You are right that I do not accept your account as the true one.'

‘Do you accept it, Father? Do you take my word?'

‘I do not expect you to tell us what you are keeping to yourself, my boy. What is the truth about one thing? Are you glad you failed to do your work?'

‘I may get to be glad,' said Cassius, wearily. ‘This is not the way to make me so. I did not expect these dealings. I was not prepared for an attack. I see it is easier to face death than to face life.'

‘Well, life presents many problems, and death none. But it has not been your way to be overset by them.'

‘You do not know how I have met them.'

‘I know as much about you as you do yourself, my boy.'

‘It is as true of you as it can be of anyone. But we go by ourselves through life. If anyone has saved me from it, it is you.'

‘There will be other people in the next world, if your theories are true,' said Flavia.

‘They will have cast off their mortal guise, and with them their mortal qualities.'

‘I should not relinquish my resolve to pursue the truth about this.'

‘I suppose you cannot imagine hopelessness?'

‘I think I can, though I have not experienced it. But have you done either, Cassius?'

‘So you know me no better than that, after nine years?'

‘After that time I know you as well as that.'

‘After fifty-two years I do the same,' said Mr Clare.

‘We are unfamiliar with this new guise,' said Flavia.

‘Perhaps the other was a guise,' said Cassius. ‘Perhaps you are seeing my real self for the first time.'

‘No, no,' said his father, ‘the other would have become real by now. And what reason had you to hide yourself? You saw none.'

‘Well, this is leading us nowhere.'

‘That is the fault we find with it,' said Flavia. ‘But it will lead us somewhere in the end.'

‘I cannot help you any more.'

‘It may be true, my boy,' said Mr Clare. ‘You are not able to bring yourself to it. And you would have a right to keep your own counsel, if your actions affected no one else.'

‘There is no mystery,' said Cassius.