The Present and the Past (24 page)

‘Do you really think Elton and I have missed it?'

‘And that it does not matter?' said her brother.

‘You are good to me. You would lift my burden. But it is mine. I must carry it.'

‘Would it hurt anyone if you cast it down?'

‘It would hurt myself. It would harden my heart. And its hardness has done enough. I must suffer what I must.'

‘You make too much of it,' said Elton. ‘Cassius had had a great deal of his life.'

‘Not as much as you think at your age.'

‘I am one of those people who have never been young.'

‘And I am sure I am one of those who were never a child,' said Ursula.

‘I remember you both as children.'

‘We are talking of our memory of ourselves.'

‘Don't you think you are making changes in it?'

‘Well, only for the better,' said Ursula.

‘You were never old for your ages.'

‘Well, we should hardly have been precocious.'

‘I almost think you were behind them.'

‘Well, we may have been the kind of people to develop late.'

‘Cassius was not of the age to die,' said Catherine.

‘What is the age?' said her sister.

‘About seventy,' said Elton, ‘when we have had our span, and people have not begun to think less of us.'

‘Do you think less of old people?' said Catherine.

‘No, I admire them for having had their lives and being sure of them. But that is rare. Most people despise them for not being able to eat their cake and have it, even though it is only the chance of it.'

‘Do you feel that life is so uncertain?'

‘Well, I feel that mine is safe. But I like to talk of the uncertainty; it sounds so brave.'

‘It is braver than not being able to speak of it at all, like most
people,' said Ursula. ‘Speaking of a thing makes it real, and that does mean too much with such a subject.'

‘So much in life needs courage,' said Catherine.

‘Almost everything,' said her sister. ‘We even talk of daring to be ourselves. Though I expect we mean daring to show ourselves, and naturally that would need it.'

‘Some people dare to do that,' said Elton, ‘though you might not believe it. Think of Miss Ridley.'

‘Must we think of her?' said Ursula. ‘She shows a cheerful spirit, and she may be homeless at any moment.'

‘If I were a governess,' said Elton, ‘and I do not mean a tutor, people would not feel the house was home without me. So the power would be mine, and I should use it.'

‘Well, if you did not, what good would it be? People think it natural to want power, and wrong to exercise it. They are inconsistent, or rather they have grudging hearts. I expect it is the same thing.'

‘It is hard to say where power has lain in that house,' said Catherine.

‘What a dark way you speak of it!' said Elton.

‘You forget it was once my home.'

‘Well, there is nothing to remind me of it.'

‘I was always an alien. I felt less so when I returned. And now I am an alien again. There is nothing to hold me to it. My link with it was Cassius, although we were estranged. Not Flavia, although we were friends. I ought to have eschewed that friendship. I see it was a furtive thing.'

‘We could not eschew things because of that,' said Ursula. ‘We should have to give up so many of our small pleasures; some of them because they were so small.'

‘Tell me one of them,' said Elton.

‘Feeling superior to Miss Ridley because my position is better than hers.'

‘Why is it better?' said Catherine. ‘It is not more respected.'

‘Things that we do not respect, like money and ease and leisure, are such good things. And we should respect them, if we were allowed to.'

‘Miss Ridley will stay on with the younger children. They have to be prepared for life.'

‘Life has to be what it is,' said Elton, ‘but fancy preparing people for it! It seems like helping it all to go on.'

‘Why do we feel that governesses are not like other people?' said Ursula.

‘They begin like other people, and are moulded by their life, as we all are,' said her sister. ‘I have a particular respect for them.'

‘Oh, I don't really respect anyone else. Perhaps that is what I meant.'

‘You should not mean things,' said Elton. ‘You ought to be above it.'

‘Did Cassius respect Miss Ridley?' said Ursula.

‘I believe he would have found her a friend, if he thought of it,' said Catherine.

‘I did not know he was so unmanly,' said Elton.

‘How much will the children miss him?' said Ursula.

‘I do not know their life behind the scenes.'

‘I should think they will miss him more than that,' said Elton. ‘How much will Flavia do so?'

‘I cannot tell you,' said Catherine.

‘You have told me,' said her brother.

‘You claim to read too much into people's words. The line seems to strike you as a good one.'

‘Catherine, do not throw off all disguise. I cannot bear people to stand exposed.'

‘Does Flavia suffer from remorse?' said Ursula.

‘If we speak of remorse, I can only think of my own.'

‘But try to think of Flavia's. I want a complete picture.'

‘Are you interested or only curious?' said Catherine.

‘I do not know the difference, and I do not believe there is any.'

‘Is your heart involved or only your head?'

‘Well, I like to be purely intellectual.'

‘Then I will not tell you. And Elton need not say I have done so.'

‘No, there is no need,' said her brother.

‘Why are we talking in this way?'

‘It is to stave something off,' said Elton. ‘I do not dare say what.'

‘I must dare to,' said Catherine, again clasping her hands. ‘It is the word about the future. I have had to face the truth. My presence here is harmful. I will do no more harm. I have to break something to you. Something that does harm to you. I seem to live to cause it.'

‘You are going to leave us,' said Elton.

‘You are good to me. You save me the words. I wish I could be good to you. From my heart I wish it. But I must go from this place. I am a menace to it. I have to say it of myself. For years I deserted you. I have to desert you again.'

‘Do you feel you can leave the boys?' said Ursula.

‘I felt I could not. But it was no matter what I felt. It was a thing of no account. I asked Flavia to advise me. To direct me; I would have obeyed. She asked my sons to choose between her and me.'

‘And they chose their own mother?' said Ursula.

‘Fabian did so. Guy chose to go with his brother. In his heart he chose his stepmother. It is for me to see that in his heart he always chooses her.'

‘Would it not be better for him to transfer the feeling to you?'

‘I have no claim. I ask for nothing. I am to have too much. I fear the kindness of fate. I have feared it before. It seems I am to live in the fear.'

‘It should be a good life,' said Elton. ‘How soon will you be embarking on it? We must accept the truth.'

‘My brother, it must be soon. To wait would again do harm. My sons must make the change at once To look forward to it is to suffer. And Flavia and I must part. We have parted in spirit. And I would not stay, if I could. I have become a sinister presence. And now I will thank you and leave you. You have things to talk of together.'

‘We have one thing,' said Elton, as the door closed, ‘our life without Catherine. They say that things are never the same a
second time, but this will be the same. I shall pour out the tea, and you will order the house.'

‘But we shall not see a human story unfolding before our eyes.'

‘And ending in tragedy. I know we shall miss all that.'

‘Are you afraid of Catherine? Do you believe what she says of herself?'

‘I believe part of it. So of course I am afraid. And she does not believe even part of what we say of ourselves, and that makes me more so.'

‘Do you believe it all yourself?'

‘Well, we are known to be something surprised by ourselves.'

‘I don't think we often are. Even less often than by other people. So we are glad that Catherine is going.'

‘Ought we to be as much surprised by ourselves as that?'

‘She sees the life she wanted, opening before her. It seems a good deal for someone who asks nothing.'

‘But we do not feel she ought not to take it,' said Elton. ‘We should have to be too much surprised.'

‘Whom are your sorriest for in the whole sad tale?'

‘Cassius, because he is dead. Guy has lost a mother; Flavia a friend; the children have lost a father. But he has lost himself.'

‘It would not be so bad to be nothing,' said Ursula.

‘You know that to be something would be better.'

‘Would it, with the temperament of Cassius?'

‘I will not be a person who says we cannot wish it otherwise when someone has died.'

‘Then you will be unique.'

‘Yes, I shall,' said Elton.

This electronic edition published in 2011 by Bloomsbury Reader

Bloomsbury Reader is a division of Bloomsbury Publishing Plc, 50 Bedford Square, London WC1B 3DP

Copyright © Ivy Compton-Burnett, 1953

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ISBN: 9781448206643
eISBN: 9781448206285

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