The Prime Time Closet: A History of Gays and Lesbians on TV (39 page)

On
Two Guys, a Girl, and
a
Pizza Place
(“Two Guys, a Girl, and a Tattoo”), Sharon (Traylor Howard) tries to find out if Pete’s (Richard R. Ruccolo) new girlfriend, Nicole, who used to go out with Berg (Ryan Reynolds), still has Berg’s name tattooed on her ass. Sharon, tired of being ogled by men at her gym, joins an all-women’s gym, where Nicole also works out. When Berg sends her into the shower to see if Nicole still has the tattoo, she looks in every shower stall. The women on the other side of the curtains scream and give her dirty looks (she also gets an invitation to play golf). The owner warns Sharon that the gym is not a meat market, there’s no ogling allowed, and she should stick to the personal ads.
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On
The Mommies
(“Mr. Mommie”), new series regular Tom Booker (Jere Burns) moves in next door to Marilyn (Marilyn Kentz), Caryl (Caryl Kellogg) and Barb (Julia Duffy). Tom claims his wife is working out-of-state, which raises everyone’s suspicions. Marilyn thinks he’s a bigamist because he’s from Utah, while Caryl thinks he’s a spy. Barb is sure he’s gay because he doesn’t undress her with his eyes. Tom plays a joke on the women by pretending to be all three, until he finally shines through as just a plain, old 1990s, heterosexual stay-at-home dad.
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Sometimes it’s the heterosexual male himself who might have a reason to question his sexual orientation. For example, a homoerotic dream may cause some men to wonder if they have been playing on the wrong team. On
Murphy Brown,
Miles (Grant Shaud) panics when he has a gay dream featuring the Washington Monument, dolphins, and the station’s new gay publicity director Rick (Brian McNamara). In “Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are,” Miles talks to several psychiatrists, who offer contradictory interpretations of his dream. After avoiding Rick for several days, Miles goes to lunch with him. Rick thinks Miles has a problem with him being gay, but when Miles tells him about the dream, he is very understanding and assures him one dream doesn’t mean he’s gay. Miles is relieved. This therapy session also was no doubt cheaper than the earlier ones, in addition to being more accurate.
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While Miles is going through his crises,
F.Y.I.
reporter Frank Fontana (Joe Regalbuto) begins to worry he too might be gay because like Miles, he’s single, can’t maintain a relationship with women, and is more comfortable being around the guys. In fact, Rick is surprised to find out Miles thought he might be gay, but he’s even more surprised to find out Frank isn’t.

Several seasons later, Frank writes a play (“A Comedy of Eros”) — a love story about the romance of his life — which gets produced at a local theatre. Unfortunately, Frank is called away on assignment and entrusts Murphy (Candice Bergen) to oversee the production. She is less than attentive, so at the play’s opening, Frank is horrified to discover his play has been transformed into a gay love story. But the audience loves the play and, as Murphy explains, the sex of the couple is irrelevant because he still moved people and that’s what’s important.
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On a memorable episode of
Maude
(“Arthur’s Worry”), Walter has a Miles-like experience on the eve of a fishing trip with Arthur. Walter dreams he kisses Arthur, which Maude explains is simply an expression of the love he feels for his best friend. Arthur finds out about the dream and becomes uncomfortable being alone in the cabin with Walter. But when Walter finally convinces Arthur the true meaning of the dream, Arthur even manages to muster up enough courage to tell Walter, in a barely audible tone, he loves him, but not before checking outside to make sure no one’s around. He obviously didn’t look carefully enough because just as Walter and Arthur are locked in a platonic embrace, the maid walks in.
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Spin City’s
James (Alexander Gaberman) is unnerved by his dream in which he’s an astronaut blasting into space. Stuart (Alan Ruck) convinces him it’s a gay fantasy. James is naive enough to believe it, especially after having just had three successive daydreams of kissing his male co-workers. The next day he shows up wearing an “I’m Not Gay, But My Boyfriend Is” T-shirt. Stuart takes the joke even further by fixing James up with a gay-co-worker. The next morning, Stuart asks him how it went. “I’m not gay,” James quickly responds. In the tag, Stuart gets his comeuppance when he has a similar dream in which he kisses Carter (Michael Boatman). In comparison to Miles, Walter, and Stuart, James’s attitude about suddenly being gay is refreshing. He’s neither upset nor panicked, but adapts rather easily to his perception of gay culture — the “boyfriend” T-Shirt, shaving his chest, and using words like “girlfriend.”
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What sounds like a dream could have in fact been reality for John Hemingway (John Larroquette). On
The John Larroquette Show
(“The Past Comes Back”), a fellow member of Alcoholics Anonymous (Ted Schackelford) tracks down John to make amends. He apologizes to John for seducing him, but John has no recollection of it. John breathes a sigh of relief when his friend realizes it was indeed someone else, though a half-asleep John was in the room at the time.
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If men are not worrying about themselves, there is always fear their own son could grow up gay, particularly if he develops certain “interests.” On
The Hughleys
(“Guess Who’s Coming Out for Dinner”), D.L. Hughley is concerned when he hears his son Michael (Dee Jay Daniels) say he doesn’t like girls.
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On
Guys Like
Us (“In and Out”), Jared is not happy his little brother Maestro likes to play with dolls and watch Martha Stewart (“she’s making a cobbler!”). His attempt to butch Maestro up by taking him to a hockey game fails, making him finally realize he needs to let Maestro be his own person.
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Similarly,
Friends’s
Ross is not pleased to discover his son Ben’s favorite toy is a Barbie doll (“The One with the Metaphorical Tunnel”). He tries to turn the kid onto dinosaurs, monster trucks, and GI Joe. Monica reminds Ross of his favorite game as a child — dressing up in his mother’s clothes (“The big hat, the pearls, the little pink handbag”), calling himself Bea, and singing “I am Bea. I like tea. Won’t you dance with me?” A hilarious tag at the end of the episode shows little Ross at play.
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The doll issue is also addressed in a hilarious episode of
Coach.
Christine (Shelly Fabares) and Hayden’s son Timmy gets a Princess Tiffany doll as a present from his kooky friends (“A Boy and His Doll”). Luther (Jerry Van Dyke) convinces Hayden the boy needs more masculine influences, so he purposely leaves the doll behind in a diner. Only Timmy won’t go to sleep without it, leaving poor Hayden to go head-to-head with the bratty little girl who found it. When he manages to get a new one (in exchange for football tickets), Christine commends him for being such a good father, but informs him Timmy fell asleep using his athletic sock as a substitute.
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While
Guys Like Us, Friends,
and
Coach
treat the situation quite comically, Caryl and Paul (Robin Thomas) on
The Mommies
take the question surrounding their son’s sexual orientation a little more seriously. When their son Blake (Ryan Merriman) joins the school band, he opts for the flute (“I Got the Music in Me”). Paul is disappointed his son didn’t pick a more masculine instrument. When Blake comes home with a black eye, his parents assume he got it because he was teased for playing the flute. Without saying the word “gay,” Paul tells Jack (David Dukes) his fears about Ryan being — you know:

Paul delivers a gay-affirmative message to parents about unconditional love, but, by some odd coincidence, Ryan’s heterosexuality just happens to be affirmed before the credits roll. When the football coach sees how well Blake can throw a ball, he asks him to join the team. Blake says he’d rather be in the band. The coach retorts, “That’s the kind of answer I expect from a flutist.” Caryl goes off on the coach and defends her son, who later relieves any doubt about his heterosexuality in our minds by admitting he received a black eye because another kid was jealous of the attention he was getting from a girl. So Blake isn’t gay (sigh of relief)...not that there’s anything
wrong
with it.

The mistaken identity scenario can easily accommodate any sexual orientation. Just as straight characters are continually being mistaken for homosexuals, gays and lesbians are on occasion mistaken for straight. At the place where everyone knows your name, the
Cheers
gang can instantly tell that Rebecca’s (Kirstie Alley) old boyfriend Mark (Harvey Fierstein) is gay. In “Rebecca’s Lover...Not,” she is convinced that even after all these years, he’s the one. So she invites him back to her apartment, puts on a sexy negligee, and gets ready to pounce. Of course he’s more interested in the fabric she’s wearing than what’s underneath. The casting of gay actor/playwright Harvey Fierstein as Mark makes Rebecca’s obliviousness all the more hilarious.
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Another character who finds himself in a similar situation is
The Nanny’s
employer Max Sheffield (Charles O’Shaughnessy). In “Oh Vey, You’re Gay,” Max falls head-over-heels for his new publicist Sydney (Catherine Oxenberg). When Sydney admits to Nanny Fran (Fran Drescher) she’s a lesbian, a delighted Fran breaks the bad news to Max, who is once again open game.
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On
Night Court,
Judge Stone (Harry Anderson) discovers a reporter (Annette McCarthy) has a crush on him (“Passion Plundered”).
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What he doesn’t know is she’s a lesbian and a closet romance novelist, so the tape he listened to, in which he thinks she’s pouring out her feelings for him, is actually notes for her next book. Christine (Markie Post) prevents him from making a total fool of himself, though he still confesses he listened to her tape recorder. Unfortunately, no one stops
Temporarily Yours’s
Deb DeAngelo (Debi Mazar) from making a fool out of herself with yet another romance novelist, Dulles Lee (John O’Hurley). In “Temp-tation,” Deb shows her friends the seduction scene Dulles has been dictating to her for his highly erotic new novel. They’re convinced he’s hitting on her. The next day, Dulles starts talking about how he’s having trouble getting “his juices flowing.” Deb lashes out at him. “I’m a temp and I deserve to be treated with respect!” she demands. “Do you have that?” When their conversation is interrupted by Dulles’s lover Allen (Scott Thomas Baker), Deb realizes she’s made a big mistake.
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An even bigger gaffe is made by
Third Rock From the Sun’s
Dr. Dick Solomon (John Lithgow) when Frank (Enrico Colatoni), a former student of his girlfriend Mary’s (Jane Curtain), comes to visit (“Frankie Goes to Rutherford”). Unaware Frank is gay, Dick grows jealous, until Frank confesses he has a secret. Dick jumps to the conclusion Frank is also an alien, so he starts hanging out at the local gay bar thinking it’s actually a bar for aliens. Frank counsels Dick about whether he should “come out” to Mary, who eventually tracks down Dick and clues him in about Frank and the bar.
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Mistaken identity can also play off an individual’s gender. The most common is not recognizing a female was, or still is, actually male. Inevitably, the one fooled is usually the least equipped to handle the situation. On
Evening Shade
(“The Perfect Woman”), Ponder (Ossie Davis) is fixed up with a beautiful woman who is actually a transsexual (Diahann Carroll). On a trip to Dayton,
WKRP in Cincinnati’s
sales director Herb Tarlek tries to woo the assistant of a potential client (“Hotel Oceanview”). In the middle of necking, Nicki (Linda Carlson) reveals she was once Nick, one of his former high school chums.
Golder Girl
Blanche finds herself in the middle of scandal with a local politician Gil Kessler (John Schuck), who she discovers was once a she (“Strange Bedfellows”).

The third most common “gay” sitcom plot is the character only pretending to be gay. In the “real world,” there is rarely a great advantage to being a gay man or a lesbian. But on television, it’s an entirely different story. In the world of the situation comedy, posing as a gay man or lesbian can help you keep a roof over your head, get you a cheaper rate on your health benefits, further your career, and improve your relationships with the opposite sex.

Of course, there are
some
drawbacks for these pretenders. Your love life may be impeded because a potential girlfriend would rather be your
girlfriend
(that’s
girlfriend
with two snaps and a twist). You may have to be outed publicly, which will confuse your family and friends. And then there is the worst case scenario — every heterosexual male’s nightmare — you may have to kiss a member of your own sex!

Prior to becoming a stock sitcom plot, the pretend story line was the entire premise of one of the 1970s’ most successful half hours. In the pilot episode of
Three’s Company,
Jack Tripper (John Ritter) wakes up in a stranger’s bathtub the morning after a wild party. The bathtub belongs to Janet Wood (Joyce DeWitt) and Chrissy Snow (Suzanne Somers), who decide to ask Jack, who is looking for a place to live, to move in with them. Their landlord, Mr. Roper (Norman Fell), refuses at first because he doesn’t want any shenanigans going on in his building. But when Janet lies and tells him Jack is gay, he agrees.
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Though there’s still something not quite convincing about Mr. Roper’s tenant policies, the early episodes of the series played off Jack trying to hide his heterosexuality from Mr. Roper, which made having a social life, or at least a straight social life, difficult. In “Mr. Roper’s Niece,” Jack is paid $50 by Roper to take out his attractive niece, Karen (Christina Hart). Roper figures gay Jack is a safe date until he walks in on them kissing. He throws Jack out, but later apologizes when Karen admits she is the one who tried to seduce him.
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Another close call occurred in “Strange Bedfellows” when Jack and Mr. Roper wake up in the same bed after an all-night party. Thinking something happened between them, Mr. Roper is horrified, forcing Jack to admit he’s not gay. Roper doesn’t believe him, but thanks him for lying to save his reputation.
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Three’s Company
is basically a heterosexual male’s
ménage-à-trois
fantasy. And although no hanky-panky ever occurred between Jack, Janet, Chrissy and Chrissy’s replacements, Cindy (Jenilee Harrison) and Terri (Priscilla Barnes), we were constantly bombarded with the possibility. The humor consists primarily of sexual innuendoes, double entendres, and farcical situations created by miscommunication.

Homosexuality is reduced to a running gag. The hyper-heterosexual Jack is comfortable enough in his own masculinity to feign being gay. We know he’s only pretending, so he never poses a real threat to the male heterosexual audience. On the contrary, the sitcom was one of the 1970s’ most egregious “jiggle shows.” Most important of all, the homophobic Roper, who is clearly portrayed as a fool, is the only one threatened by Jack’s homosexuality. Once again, it’s difficult to discern if the audience is laughing
with
or
at
Jack when he camps it up, or when Mr. Roper waves his pinkie in the air and calls Jack “Tinkerbelle.”

Some characters had to devise an even more radical pretense to keep a roof over their heads. The premise of
Bosom Buddies
involved two young advertising executives, Kip (Tom Hanks) and Henry (Peter Scolari), who in the series pilot need to find an apartment in realty-challenged Manhattan. They decide to dress as women and move into an all-female residence, The Susan B. Anthony Hotel. As their alter-egos, Buffy (Kip) and Hildegard (Henry), the duo enjoy being surrounded by beautiful women, though their lives get complicated when they’re forced to change gender at a moment’s notice. The show had the potential of bringing a touch of genuine camp to ABC’s prime time line-up, except that hidden beneath the dresses, wigs, and make-up was not just a couple of regular guys, but another jiggle-giggle comedy, complete with a blonde sexpot à la
Three’s Company
named Sonny (Donna Dixon).

Living in a low-rent apartment is not the only reason a sitcom character will pretend to be gay or lesbian. Many characters discover how posing as a gay man or lesbian can advance their career. On
The Naked Truth
(“Women Gets Plastered, Star Gets Even”), Nick (Jonathan Penner) and David (Mark Roberts) try to develop a friendship (in other words, suck up to) their new boss, Les (George Wendt). Thinking they’re a gay couple, Les accepts their invitation to dinner and the guys decide to play along. At dinner, Les becomes suspicious and asks them to kiss each other to prove they’re gay. They try, but can’t, and their true sexual identity is exposed.
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On an episode of
Ned and Stacey
(“The Gay Caballeros”), advertising executive Ned (Thomas Haden Church) pretends to be a friend of Dorothy’s to hold onto an important client. When designer/club owner Brent Barrow (Stephen Kearney) discovers Ned’s relationship with Stacey (Debra Messing) is a marriage of convenience, he assumes Ned is a closeted gay. So Ned, along with his best pal Eric (Greg Germann), decide to “come out” and end up together on the dance floor. Brent soon figures out they’re not gay (their dancing is a dead give-away), but he appreciates the effort and doesn’t cancel the account.
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A similar situation occurs on the short-lived
Getting Personal
when commercial director Milo (Duane Martin) makes a homophobic joke in front of a new client (“Chasing Sammy”). He apologizes and explains that he is gay (because it’s acceptable if you’re talking about one of your own.) Milo’s lie comes back to haunt him, especially when he falls for one of the client’s sexy representatives, Alex (Alexia Robinson). However, his plan to get her in bed backfires to the point where, instead of bedding Alex, he finds himself between the sheets instead with his pal Sammy (Jon Cryer).
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The ruse is not confined to men. On
Sex and the City
(“Bay of Married Pigs”), Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) is mistaken for a lesbian by a co-worker, who fixes her up with another woman. Believing she’s a lesbian (and therefore less threatening to men), one of the senior partners of her law firm, Chip (David Forsyth) invites her into his power circle. Donning a men’s suit, Miranda goes along with it, but eventually admits to Chip she is straight. Just to be absolutely sure, she kisses a woman (which confirms she definitely is).
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Richard (Malcolm Getts), Caroline’s assistant on
Caroline in the City,
is another character who feigns being gay to get ahead. In “Caroline and the Gay Art Show,” Richard gets his first art show at one of New York’s top galleries, only to discover it’s exclusively for gay artists. Richard decides to go ahead with the plan when he finds out he can get $20,000 for a single painting. At the opening, he decides to come clean, but he’s stopped at the last minute by his straight friend, Del (Eric Lutes), who pretends to be his lover. When gallery owner Kenneth Arabian (played by openly gay actor/playwright Dan Butler) tells Richard how proud he is to support a new gay artist, Richard reveals his true sexual orientation and loses the sale, but maintains his integrity.
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The pretend-gay plot relies heavily on the “gay” professions to generate laughs. In the pilot episode of the Lifetime sitcom
Maggie,
Amanda’s (Morgan Nagler) boyfriend Reg (Todd Biebenhain), an aspiring cartoonist, pretends he’s gay because “all the best artists are gay.”
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On
Cheers
(“Norm...Is That You?”), Norm (George Wendt) discovers he has a natural flair for decorating. Frasier and Lilith (Bebe Newirth) recommend him to their snooty friends, Robert and Kim Cooperman (George Delroy and Jane Sibbet), who simply
must
have a gay decorator. So Norm recruits Sam to pose as his lover. When the Coopermans find out the truth, they still agree to hire Norm, but at a decidedly lower straight rate.
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Heteros in sitcom-land can even delude themselves about their orientation. On an episode of
Friends
(“The One With Phoebe’s Husband”), Phoebe is reunited with her green card husband, Duncan (Steve Zahn), a gay Canadian ice skater. When Duncan shows up to get a divorce, Phoebe realizes she’s still carrying a torch for him. But then Duncan makes a startling revelation — he’s straight and getting married to a woman. In a hilarious reversal of the “coming out” episode, Duncan confesses how he can’t live a lie anymore. “How can you be straight?” Phoebe asks. “You’re so smart, and funny, and throw such great Academy Award parties.” Duncan explains how he always knew all his life: “I thought I was supposed to be something. I’m an ice dancer. All my friends are gay. I was just trying to fit in.” Phoebe is devastated by the news:

A similar reversal occurs on an episode of
For Your Love
(“House of Cards”) when Tom (Jason Bateman), Sheri’s (Dedee Pfeiffer) best friend, visits. Bobbi (Tamala Jones) has her reservations about Tom being gay because he said her shoes were “interesting” and he didn’t call her “Miss Bobbi” or “girlfriend” once. Actually, Bobbie knows what she’s talking about. Sheri admits to Malena (Holly Robinson Peete) that Tom isn’t gay, but only pretending so they can remain close without her husband Dean (D.W Moffet) getting jealous. When Dean finds out the truth, he gets angry. But the joke is on Sheri — Tom really is gay and he’d always thought Sheri wanted him to pretend as a way of encouraging him to come out. He also thought deep down it would change their relationship.
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The
Victor/Victoria
-like premise is convoluted (a gay man pretending to be a straight man pretending to be gay), but Bateman makes an appealing gay-straight-gay man, so much so he was subsequently cast in the 2000-2001 midseason replacement,
Some of My Best Friends.

For some characters, posing as gay can be financially rewarding.
Drew Carey
pretends he’s playing on the other team so he can pay for his dog’s expensive hip operation (“Man’s Best Same Sex Companion”). At the suggestion of Nora (Jane Morris), a fellow animal lover and the benefits manager for Winfred-Louder Department Store, Drew applies for health insurance for his fictional boyfriend Aaron. To show he’s not totally dishonest, he plans to pay back the money with interest. When the claim is questioned by his boss, Mr. Wick (Craig Ferguson) and the store’s owner, Mrs. Louder (Nan Martin), Drew enlists Oswald (Diedrich Bader) to pose as his lover.

At the inquiry, the “couple” are separated and asked a series of questions to see how much they know about each other. They fail, but when they start to bicker, Mr. Wick and Mrs. Louder agree they sound like a couple. When Wick suggests using Drew and Oswald in their new ad campaign targeting gay shoppers, Drew retreats to heterodom and his benefits are suspended until he pays back the money.
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