The Rake and the Recluse REDUX (a time travel romance) (87 page)

“Well, sweet, how do you feel?” he murmured as he leaned into her.

Lilly smiled up at him from below the brim of her bonnet.

“You are the most surprising young lady I have ever met. You have my cousins enraptured,” he said softly. “And you have me beguiled, captivated, enamored.” He whispered the last words, his breath wafting gently over her ear.

She shuddered. “Maebh—”

“Don’t be concerned with Maebh, she isn’t like most. She feels deeply with her heart, yet as precious as she is to me, she has never approved of my, eh— Well. Let us just say she feels for the women who thought more of their position with me than I did.” He frowned; it wasn’t a very becoming statement, he supposed. “I only meant that—”

She waved him off. “Don’t, I beg you. I understand what you’re saying, as I also understand what she’s feeling. I admire you for recognizing her concerns.”

They reached the rugs under the watchful gaze of the four cousins who had preceded them. Perry handed Lilly down to sit first. His cousins followed in succession like a flower opening to the sun, each petal a different color. They laughed, enjoying the company.

Perry laid out the feast, passing loaded plates to each of the cousins and Lilly before filling his own plate and stretching out on the ground behind her to enjoy the peace.

Lilly turned to find him smiling up at the heavens, his eyes closed, absentmindedly munching an apple. She smiled in return, wondering what his daydreams contained.

“Saoirse, let’s walk around the lake,” Maebh said as she glanced at Lilly, then stood.

Saoirse also looked at Lilly and smiled, then grabbed Isadore, who grabbed Poppy, and they walked, arms linked, toward the peaceful water.

“It seems we have been left to our own devices,” Perry said without opening his eyes.

“We— Oh.” Lilly looked around, then her gaze landed on Perry’s relaxed visage. She enjoyed the play of sun and shadow across his cheeks. “Will they be all right on their own?”

“Oh, quite. However, I’ve no doubt Kerrigan is following and Gardner is watching.”

She glanced again to find Kerrigan following an easy distance behind the ladies, Gardner standing not far away from them while scanning the landscape. She smiled; he knew his men well.

“Sweet, how do you find my cousins?”

“Oh, they are wonderful—really, truly wonderful. I miss Meggie,” she said suddenly. “I think I would like to go home.” The realization struck her without warning.

Perry heard the note of sadness underlying her tone and opened his eyes to study her. “Only say the word and I will have you returned to my brother’s household. In fact, my cousins will be quitting London soon to join Roxleigh for the wedding festivities.” His voice carried a note of sadness. “I don’t wish to keep you where you don’t wish to be.”

Lilly shook her head. “’Tisn’t that,” she said, slipping into her comfortable brogue. “’Tis jus’ that I’ve never been without my family. Meggie and I were never apart till she joined the duke’s household, and of course I never expected to be far from her.”

Perry turned and moved in front of her, sitting up. “We have never discussed what is happening here, Lilly. That could be an egregious error on my part. It would damage me to know that I had hurt you in some way.” He looked off into the distance, realizing at that moment that it wasn’t she he was worried about as much as himself. His emotions had never traveled to the place they currently inhabited, not before her.

“No,
my lord
.” She emphasized his title and picked up her proper speech patterns again. “I
know
my place in this world, just as well as I know yours. There is no doubt in me that this—” She gestured between them. “—goes no further than where we are now. I will always hold a place for you, if not in my heart then in my soul. For what you have done for me.” She twisted her skirt between her fingers. “There is simply no way for me to repay so many kindnesses.”

Perry scowled. “Don’t think for one minute that I take nothing from this, my sweet,” he said sardonically. “I am enjoying myself and our
activities
rather thoroughly. After all, that is who I am and what I do, is it not? That is recompense enough.”

Lilly’s jaw dropped, and he saw her eyes glaze over with tears.

Perry stood quickly and walked away from her to lean against the nearby tree. He should never have been so callous. His forehead hurt from the strain in his mind. Her words had done what he knew they would. She was correct, but he was broken. He would never be right, not without her by his side. Something had changed within him; the shift was complete. He could never return to his old ways, he could never look at another woman the way he had in the past.

He pounded a fist against the trunk of the tree, looking up into the leaves as he thought about her. The way she moved. The way she smiled. Yes, his cousins accepted her now, but they had no idea who she was. Would his family accept her when they did know? Calder hadn’t had any difficulty acknowledging her, but he assumed Calder only thought her to be a temporary fixture in his life. But then if that were true, why would Calder recommend she meet the ladies of the family? He wouldn’t have. If Calder could accept Lilly without qualm, then so would the rest of the family.

Perry shook his head and turned to apologize, to beg forgiveness, but she was gone.

Perry’s entire body tensed as he scanned the park for Lilly’s petite figure. His cousins and men were the only people in sight.
Oh God
he was an ass, if something happened to her now because of him—

“Lilly!” he bellowed, startling the four ladies. He paid them no heed. “Lilly!”

Callous bastard.
He shook his head. He should have known better. Why was it that Lilly could unman him so easily, turn his mind to pudding? He truly needed to get his wits about him.

They rushed toward him, Gardner and Kerrigan in tow.

“What have you done, Perry?” Maebh asked.

“Maebh. What I have done I am all too eager to remedy. Do not cast aspersions on my soul just yet. Right now I simply need to find her.”

“Perry—”

“No! I’ve no time for this! Gardner! Kerrigan!”

“But Perry—”

“Not. Now. Maebh!”

Shock in her eyes, Maebh turned from him as he sent Gardner off with Isadore and Poppy and Kerrigan with Maebh and Saoirse in another direction. She threw one last glance at Perry then moved off, around the lake.

He stared across the park without seeing. His mind considered options, but he didn’t pay much attention as he blindly strode away from the lake, deeper into the park. He had to find her, and soon. It wasn’t just that he had to find a way to apologize, but if Hepplewort— he stopped the train of thought. There were stands of trees breaking up the vastness of the sweeping green lawns. He peered into each copse as he passed, his eyes searching for a slash of crimson.

Several times he ran for a tree, only to find the breeze playing tricks on him. He turned and walked toward a thicket bordering another copse and paused, pulling a flower from a bush and crushing it in his hand, letting the petals fall to the ground slowly as he moved deeper into the trees.

How could I have been so cold as to speak to her that way? How am I going to repair this?
Regardless of station, regardless of possibility and future, he knew she deserved more from him, no matter how deeply that affected his way of life. He needed to stop thinking of her as the poor damaged servant girl from Kelso.

He groaned. He suddenly wanted the impossible from her, the responsibility of her. But she was a lowly scullery maid, possibly someday to rise as high as lady’s maid, but no more—never to a rank suitable for his attention, never to a status at which he could offer. He really wasn’t himself if he was considering marrying a scullery maid.

He shook his head, leaning back against a tree. She could be anywhere by now and she had every right to run, to leave. He had treated her as badly as Hepplewort—no, worse. Hepplewort had never made her promises, spoken or unspoken, so there was no basis for
his
destruction. Hepplewort was a stranger, but Perry had given Lilly kindness, sensitivity, and a certain regard—then he took it all back in one fell swoop.

His jaw clenched, and he closed his eyes tight against the sting behind them.

He felt irretrievably broken for his actions. He wouldn’t find peace until he found Lilly and repaired this damage. Yet he didn’t think it possible, and had no right to try. She certainly shouldn’t accept it, she shouldn’t accept him. In fact, she should stay away. It would be far better for her if he never saw her again—but he couldn’t imagine never seeing her again. And then there was Hepplewort. Still...somewhere. He panicked at the thought, his chest seizing and his eyes flying wide as he tried to breathe.

He turned to head back toward the open lawns and—

She was there, too far to touch but close enough he caught the scent of his own bath oils on her skin. Her eyes were on fire, her spine rigid, her hands clasped in her skirts. She had never been so beautiful.

“Lilly!” He collapsed before her, his breath finally loosed. Sitting back on his knees, he tangled his hands in her skirts and pulled her to him as though he needed proof of her existence. He buried his face in the folds. She smelled of fresh cut lawn and warmed sugar and him. “I thought the worst possible, oh God I thought—”

Her hands opened in panic at her sides.

“I beg you, I never should have said what I said,” he said. “I was— You should never forgive me. I beg you forgive me. You have me at such a disadvantage, I have never felt—” He shook his head. “I don’t know what I feel.” He couldn’t bear to look at her, knowing how she must look upon him, knowing he would see her anger. He couldn’t see her anger again. His shoulders shook.