The Resurrection of Aubrey Miller (12 page)

Me: I had an out of body experience. (
Which regretfully, I did
)

Palmer: Is this because Kaeleb referred to you as…
Aubrey
?

Me: (Grips blanket tighter) What? How did you know about that?

Palmer: (Emotionless) I know a lot about you. (Sighs) You see, your guardian Linda and I are friends, lifelong friends actually, and you taking this course was no accident. She contacted me once you received your acceptance letter, asking me to keep an eye on you. She filled me in on your history as well as your refusal to continue with therapy. She was worried about you making a successful transition, so I suggested the course as a means of monitoring you from afar while here at Titan.

Me: (
Sneaky, Linda. Reeeeeal sneaky
) My history? Am I your patient now? What are you anyway?

Palmer: Yes, I am a psychologist if that’s what you’re thinking. But no, you’re not my patient. I no longer practice formal therapy.

Me: So what the hell am I doing here?

Palmer: (Leans forward in chair, elbows on knees, fingers interlaced and hanging) Well, if I remember correctly, you passed out on the lawn during the Bubble Exercise. You were brought to my office as a means of recuperation. Mr. McMadden was adamant in his refusal to leave until you came to, so I allowed him to stay while I finished out the remainder of class. When class was over, I came back. You were awake, and now we’re here, discussing why you lost consciousness during this particular session of class. (Cocks head) How’s that?

Me: (
Wow, Dr. Palmer is feisty
) It’s nothing. I just didn’t eat all day and it was freezing out there. It was too much for my body to handle.

Palmer: Bull.

Me: Bull?

Palmer: Yes, bull. (Sighs) Listen, I can’t make you tell me anything you aren’t comfortable sharing. What I can do is tell you that I’m here, every day from twelve o’clock to three, and five o’clock to seven. If you would like someone to talk to, if you
need
someone to talk to, I am here and readily available. No patient bullshit, just here. To listen.

Me: (Nods blankly) Um, thanks. (Grabs backpack) But I wouldn’t plan on it. Things are going well and I’m doing fine.

Palmer: (Nods back) Well, if anything changes…

Me: It won’t. (Leaves and throws blanket onto the floor)

Session 2:

(The very next day, 12:00 on the dot)

Me: (Knocks)

Palmer: Hello…Aubrey. Come in.

Me: (Steps in and plops down on couch, grabbing my new favorite blanket and wrapping it around me) Um, so this is just like a venting thing. No prescriptions written, no notes or recordings, none of that jazz?

Palmer: (Takes seat across from me, strokes his stark white beard while eyeing my hold on the blanket.) Yes.

Me: (Breathes in deeply and also notes how much he looks like Santa Claus in his red sweater) Okay, um, well… it’s just…with Kaeleb knowing who I am, it’s becoming more difficult to block things out. Like, certain feelings and thoughts about my past.

Palmer: And who is Kaeleb to you exactly? Linda never mentioned him.

Me: She wouldn’t have. She only met him a few times when we were kids. She doesn’t even know he’s here. (Sighs) I guess I figured that you knew something though, since we were always assigned together. Either that or because of our last names.

Palmer: (Smiles and reclines in his chair) No. I assigned you together because you seemed to trust him more than the others in the class.

Me: Hmm…I guess that’s true. I knew Kaeleb before my parents died; before I went to live with Linda. We were best friends.

Palmer: Yes, he mentioned the same thing yesterday when I approached him.

Me: (Mouth wide open) Then why did you ask?

Palmer: I just wanted your perception on the relationship.

Me: (Narrow eyes) Anyway…when he used my name yesterday, I remembered something about my sister. And that memory haunted me all night last night and this morning. I used to be able to block out the pain, but I can’t seem to push it away this time. I just…well, I just wanted to tell someone about it.

Palmer: (Nods) Well, I told you I was available. I’m glad you decided to take me up on my offer.

Me: (Shrugs shoulders)

Palmer: And what about Kaeleb? Do you also trust him enough to discuss your past? To let him into that part of your life?

Me: Yes, he was there. It’s not like he doesn’t know what happened…to
them
.

Palmer: Well, it seems to me that Kaeleb has triggered something within you that refuses to let the past escape you any longer. Perhaps it’s time to allow yourself to experience the pain of your family’s deaths and come to terms with them. Perhaps you need to let go of
Raven
, and reacquaint yourself with
Aubrey
. With who you really are.

Me: No, I can’t. That’s not a possibility.

Palmer: Why is that? What’s wrong with Aubrey?

Me: Aubrey is dead.

Palmer: (Nods) I see. And Raven?

Me: (Twists fringe on the blanket around finger) Raven saved me. Saved many people actually. (Looks Palmer directly in the eyes) Aubrey caused death. Raven prevents it.

Palmer: How so?

Me: As long as I’m Raven, I’m labeled a freak. People typically won’t get within a five foot radius of me. I have no relationships, therefore, I can’t cause any more death.

Palmer: (Inhales and exhales) What about Kaeleb?

Me: I tried to keep him away. (Chin quivers) And Quinn too. My roommate.

Palmer: I see. (Sighs) Humans by nature are social creatures, Aubrey. Relationships are needed to sustain life and happiness. Perhaps your inability to avoid Kaeleb and Quinn is merely your inherent need for human interaction.

Me: I guess. Or
perhaps
Kaeleb and Quinn just wore me down until I had no choice other than to let them into my morbid existence.

Palmer: (Chuckles) Perhaps.

Me: So…

Palmer: So…back to why you’re here. (Clears throat) These feelings you’re experiencing, that you’re unable to repress, I think it’s time to acknowledge them. Life is about balance, Aubrey. You have moments in your life that have been too painful for you to mentally accept and overcome, so you block them for your own protection, but there is so much that you also suppress along with them. Life, love, relationships, happiness…these are all things that can counter the negative, making the pain bearable and I think once you find that balance, you will be able to cope with your past.

Me: (Swallows) This is starting to feel dangerously like a therapy session.

Palmer: No. That’s just my advice as your friend. Take it or leave it.

Me: Friend?

Palmer: Yes, imagine that. Three new friends all in the matter of months. There may be hope for you yet, my dear.

Me: (Smiles) Maybe. But don’t count on it.

Palmer: (Laughs)

Session 12:

(One month ago)

Palmer: Thank you for trusting me with the actual story of your sister’s passing. I know that was difficult for you.

Me: (Wipes tears and pulls blanket tighter around shoulders) It was. It’s still painful, though. It physically hurts to talk about it.

Palmer: Which is to be expected. The wound is still very raw, but the more you acknowledge the memory and discuss it, you will find the experience to be less trying. Now, let’s balance.

Me: (Clears throat) Well, um, she was very beautiful. Angelic almost with her huge blue eyes and her golden blonde hair. She was filled with so much life. It encapsulated her. And energy…God, I used to laugh so hard at her. She would always shake her tiny bottom in my face and giggle. Her laughter. Her giggles. (Smiles widely) They were absolutely contagious. Still are evidently.

Palmer: (Grins back) Yes, it seems they are. How do you feel now? Talking about her in a more positive light?

Me: (Inhales) Better.

Palmer: Good. Let’s try diving into uncharted territory. Your mother. Her death. Do you think you can discuss it?

Me: Not sure, I’ll try though.(Exhales) Um, she died, obviously.

Palmer: (Expressionless)

Me: My father said she died of a broken heart. Not too long after Adley. I didn’t see her much after that because she locked herself in their room and wouldn’t come out for days at a time. She refused to eat. She wouldn’t talk to me or my father. She just ceased to exist until one day she just…didn’t.

Palmer: (Inhales and exhales deeply) And your feelings about that?

Me: (Shrugs shoulders) It hurts, you know? That she chose that path, that I wasn’t enough for her to want to live. But in essence, I was the reason Adley died, so I guess I can see why. And I guess you can say that I’m the reason my mother died as well.

Palmer: (Shakes head) You were
not
the reason Adley died. Accidents happen. This one, unfortunately, ended in a regrettable way, but they do happen. There were many other factors involved. Your parents, for instance, should have been watching her. You were six years old, Aubrey. That responsibility was not yours to bear. And like you already stated, your mother’s death was her choice. Hers. Neither was your fault. You need to come to terms with that and accept it or we will never be able to get you past this atypical fear of death.

Me: (Sighs loudly) Well, I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree on that.

Palmer: (Growls) Okay. For now. (Steeples his fingers) Can we move into your father’s death then?

Me: No.

Palmer. (Eyebrows raise) No?

Me: No.

Palmer: Do you know when you will be comfortable discussing his passing?

Me: Never.

Session 23:

(Two days ago, right after final exams)

Palmer: Your hair is lighter today. And the brown contacts could actually pass for normal. It’s a good look for you.

Me: (Fingers bottom of hair)Yeah. I just wanted to try something different.

Palmer: (Fails miserably at hiding his grin) So, how did your exams go?

Me: They went well, I think.

Palmer: Your coursework…not easy classes. Why did you choose them?

Me: Honestly?

Palmer: (Nods)

Me: Well, I’ve always excelled in the sciences, so the courses just seemed the obvious choices.

Palmer: (Cocks eyebrow)

Me: (Sighs) And the fact that I wouldn’t have to work with other people, or depend on their participation in stupid projects, definitely was part of the reason I chose them.

Palmer: I see. Well, have you thought about going pre-med? You undoubtedly will have the core curricula to continue down that path.

Me: (Flashes palms) Whoa there, Doc. One step at a time. I’m just trying to survive my freshman year.

Palmer: (Chuckles) Which you are successfully managing to do. And Kaeleb and Quinn? How are they faring?

Me: (Rolls eyes) Kaeleb is annoying. He’s been whistling “You are my Sunshine” when he sees me. Has been for months now. Even in front of his girlfriend of the week. She hates it. And Quinn continues to be oblivious to my history with Kaeleb. (Bites bottom lip) She’s still not eating very much, and under Sabrina’s influence, it’s becoming less and less while her marathon miles continue stacking up. I’m worried about her.

Palmer: (Grunts) I can see why. (Leans forward) Are you still considering telling her about you and Kaeleb? Your
history
as you call it?

Me: (Nods) Yes. Every time she calls me Raven, I cringe. And Kaeleb snickers. Which is annoying enough to push me over the edge. (Nods again) Soon. We will tell her soon. I think that I’m at the point where I can discuss certain aspects about my past with her that I couldn’t before.

Palmer: Excellent. I think that’s a very large step in the right direction.

Me: (Smiles)

Palmer: Will you allow her to call you Aubrey? Or will you maintain Raven as your identity?

Me: Um, I’m not sure yet. Raven is a part of me, but I’m learning to accept that Aubrey is a part of me, too. Am I ready to become Aubrey? No, not fully. But I think using my birth name may help get me to that point eventually, right?

Palmer: Yes, I think so. The more association you have with that part of your life, the more it will help you cope with your fear of death and to move forward. In doing that, you will eventually be able to combine Raven and Aubrey. You have to remember that you are not either/or, but comprised of both entities.

Me: (Nods)

Palmer: (Smiles) Good. So… you heading home over Winter Break?

Me: Yes, I can’t wait to see Linda actually. I miss her.

Palmer: I’m sure she misses you too. I know she will be glad to see you.

Me: Well, that remains to be seen.

Palmer: (Stands) Will I see you after the break?

Me: (Stands) Of course, Doc. I love our chats. (Punches him in the arm)