The Resurrection of Aubrey Miller (25 page)

Goodbye, Aubrey.

As I take a seat in front of my mirror, my eyes land on the scissors in front of me. I’d used them to trim my bangs earlier tonight, but the sight of them now immediately reminds me of Quinn’s failed attempt. I’d be lying if I said that I’ve never considered the option, that I’ve never considered taking my own life to just be done with it, but I think somewhere deep inside, my need to punish myself overrides taking the easy way out. I deserve every ounce of it.

The isolation.

The unhappiness.

The constant grief.

The darkness.

It’s the penance I force upon myself for simply existing.

So I break away from the metal blades and inhale deeply in preparation.

Leaning over, I open the cabinet doors in front of my knees and pull out a cardboard box, placing it on the counter before opening it. One by one, I disperse its contents until it’s empty, and then set it on the floor by the chair. After dumping the makeup into a pile, I sift through it until I find the beginning step in my cloaking ritual. I rub the white powder into my skin, covering my rosy tone with its pallor until there is no color left in my skin. Next, I take the black eye shadow, caking it on and under my swollen lids, the ease of the ritual further numbing my emotions.

Slowly, I apply the dark red stain, and as it sinks into my lips, I grab the black box to my right, flipping it open and digging out my jewelry. One by one, I press them through the tiny remnant holes in my skin, forcing them through openings that no longer exist. I welcome the pain. Tiny blood droplets seep around each one, along my ears and eyebrows, trickling down from the piercings in my cheeks. Skull studs shine back at me on top of the trails as I place the final circular barbell through my nose, taking in a calming breath as the process is nearly complete. I then take the dye and shake the concoction in its plastic container, allowing the smell to burn my nose, effectively removing Kaeleb’s scent as I shake it.

“What the hell are you doing?”

My eyes find Kaeleb in the mirror, his jaw clenched, his body leaning in the doorframe as I continue shaking the bottle. I give him no response as I direct my stare back to my placid complexion. Lifting my finger off the tip, I lower the bottle to the top of my head and squeeze, but before I can apply the color it’s sent sailing across the bathroom. A thick black glob spurts from the opening as it hits the wall, the colorant landing in a puddle right next to the bottle as it hits the floor. I glare back at Kaeleb. He’s towering above me and breathing heavily, but I remain silent as I scoot the seat back, calmly walk over, snag the bottle off the floor, and turn back in his direction.

His hardened expression morphs into a pleading one as he reaches for me. “Bree, don’t do this.”

I take a step back, assuring I’m out of his reach, but he counters with forward movement. His voice trembles, the desperation in his tone almost enough to penetrate my steel shell. “I just found you.” His chin quivers. “I just got you back, Bree. Please, don’t do this. Talk to me.”

My emotions remain unaffected as I turn away from him and retake my seat. His face falls as I begin to apply the color, and once my hair is completely saturated, he sucks in a deep breath, anger replacing his grief as he slams his hand down on the counter.

“I’m right
fucking
here! TALK TO ME!” His face reddens and the veins in his throat bulge from underneath his skin as he screams.

I barely have time to twist to face him before he steps in front of me and wraps his hands around the arms of the chair on either side of me. Lifting me into the air, he turns me away from the mirror and then drops the chair to the floor right in front of him. I land with a crash, but allow no reaction to streak across my face as I maintain my blank stare.

Calmly, I set the bottle down on the counter and release a sigh. “I’m done talking, Kaeleb. I don’t expect you to understand this and I’m not asking you to. The only thing I’m asking you to do is go.
Leave
.” My eyes then disconnect from his, finding the linoleum on the floor.

Kaeleb releases a growl of frustration before crouching down in front of me, forcing his face in my line of sight.

“You think I don’t understand? Christ, Bree! I was here tonight too! You think you’re the only one who’s hurting right now? I checked on Quinn first thing when I came here and she was asleep! Then I wake up to your screams only to find you
both
on the floor! You think I’m not scared of what could’ve happened? To either of you!” His chest rises and falls rapidly as he holds my eyes, the absolute torment in them forcing me to swallow deeply before responding.

Maintaining my unruffled composure, I reply, emotionless. “It’s not about me. It’s not even entirely about Quinn. It’s about
all
of you.”

His head jerks back in response. “What? What does that mean? All of us? All of who?”

“All of you, Kaeleb. You. Quinn. Linda. My parents. Adley. All of you.”

I watch his jaw tighten as he looks to the floor before raising his head. “So you’re playing martyr tonight? Sacrificing yourself for everyone around you? That’s your answer to all of this?” He narrows his eyes and shakes his head. “Bullshit.”

He presses himself off the floor, but bends at the waist and leans forward, meeting me eye-to-eye. “You’re not the only one to ever experience guilt, Aubrey. You think I don’t understand that? Feel it? After what I went through?”

Speaking through clenched teeth he adds, “I think about it every single day. How my parents could discard me so easily. The fact that my sister was hospitalized because I couldn’t protect her. I deal with that shit every day of my life. But at least I still
live
it.”

An aggravated growl passes through his lips as he throws his hands in the air. “I’m sick as shit of you using this,” he pauses, gesturing at my face, “fucking
aberration
you call
Raven
instead of dealing with it. It’s ridiculous. It’s time to grow up and face it, Bree.”

My jaw clenches and I tighten my gaze back at him. “You sound like Palmer.”

“I’m sure I do,” he remarks with a bite. “I’ve been visiting with him since last year. You want to know why? Because I made the decision that it’s time to grow the fuck up. Time to deal with my issues—the anger, the guilt, the women. Things that served no purpose in my life other than making me a shitty human being. It’s taking time, but I’m dealing with it. And I’m a better person because I made the decision to do so.”

He inches his face closer to mine. Raising his hand to stroke my cheek, his voice is barely above a whisper as he states, “Please, Bree. Don’t disappear on me now. I know you can do this. We can do it together. Let me help you.”

His eyes search mine until finally he lowers his hand, defeated. Releasing a long sigh, he shakes his head. “It’s no use. You’re already gone.”

Rising where he stands, he looks at me once more before turning away and opening the door. Just as he’s about to step out of the bathroom, he twists back slightly. “I wanted to be enough for you. Strong enough. Man enough. Enough for you find a reason to live again. To give you that courage and strength. But now I know
you’re
the only one who can do that, Sunshine.”

The corners of his mouth dip marginally. “As long as you continue to travel through life in this darkness, you will never know how beautiful your light truly shines when you let yourself love and be loved. Trust me when I say, it’s a breathtaking sight to see. You burn as bright as the sun.”

He dips his head and peers at me with saddened eyes. “You see, I found the strength and courage to fight my demons because of how brightly
you
shined. I hope that one day you’ll find that source of light and let it heal you, too. Because if you do, it will illuminate your path and eventually lead you home. To me.”

With that said, he leaves me in the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

Releasing a deep exhale, I tear my gaze away, leaning forward to perform the final part of the ritual as I place the cat-eye contacts in my eyes. The white covers the bright blue of my irises and coolness washes over me as I seal Aubrey Miller back into her grave.

And as I stare at my reflection, I say a silent thank you to Raven for allowing Kaeleb McMadden to continue his existence because the world is truly a greater place with him in it.

Goodbye, Kaeleb.

The rest of sophomore year…well, I don’t remember much. The firsts I experienced the remainder of the year were mainly a compilation of some of the lowest points in my life. I’m not proud of them, but they happened and need to be acknowledged. So, here goes:

The first time I cleaned up my roommate’s blood off her bathroom floor. I refused to cry as the horrific memories resurfaced. There was no sorrow, no anguish, no tortuous sobbing. There was only darkness as I forced myself deeper into my oblivion until I couldn’t feel a thing.

The first time that I realized I was no longer a dog owner. Kaeleb must have taken Walter with him when he left my apartment the night I said his goodbye. I simply put his crate, his bowl, his toys, and his favorite Chuck inside Quinn’s room before locking the door.

The first time that Linda called after our discussion, hoping to talk as I’d promised. I led her to believe that I didn’t feel well and promised to call her soon. She reluctantly left due to her upcoming appointment and I told myself it didn’t hurt when we said goodbye.

The first time that Quinn’s parents were introduced to Raven. After they got over their initial shock, they let me know that Quinn would not be returning to school. They completely stripped her room, leaving it bereft of all things pink and sparkly, before heading to the office to pay the remainder of her lease. I felt nothing but comforted as I watched them leave. Her absence would allow me the room I needed to completely disappear.

The first time I changed the locks and denied Kaeleb entrance to the apartment. He banged on the door and screamed for me to let him in for hours. I never answered though. Not the first time. Not the second. And eventually after many other unsuccessful attempts, he finally stopped coming by.

The first time that I bought alcohol with the fake I.D. Quinn gave me and brought it to the apartment with me, finishing off the fifth of vodka in record time.

The first time I missed classes, ever, due to a weeklong bender.

The first time I accepted the recurring invitation to
party
at my asshole lab partner’s place, only it ended up just being the two of us.

The first time I had sex, losing my virginity to said lab partner, remembering nothing but sloppy kisses, rough hands, waking up sore the next morning, and finding a used condom on the bedside table. I threw up as soon as I got home.

The first time I ran into Sabrina, who had the audacity to half-heartedly apologize for what happened at the club. I told myself it had nothing to do with Quinn when I kindly instructed her to fuck off.

The first time I saw Kaeleb on campus as I passed through the cafeteria, laughing with a group of guys at a table across the room. I slunk back into the crowd, but watched him for a while, trying to convince myself that I was happy he had seemingly moved on.

The first time I received a D in two of my classes. The professors harped on the fact that mandatory attendance was required and explained that I could retake the classes next semester. Who knew?

The first time I stayed on campus during the summer, avoiding Linda who was recuperating after multiple surgeries. She called often, which I avoided, but I would always text her back, letting her know that I received her messages. I always apologized for not being able to be there and she believed me when I told her the reason was summer school.

I don’t remember much other than those specific items as I entered my junior year.

I continued to walk through life unseen, hidden and tucked safely inside my darkness.