The Resurrection of Aubrey Miller (28 page)

I give him a little squeeze as we round the corner to let him know this, but as soon as my eyes land on Linda, my light squeeze turns into a vise grip. My feet stop moving forward and my whole body goes rigid at the sight in front of me.

The person lying in the bed is completely unrecognizable.

Linda’s once full, long blonde hair no longer remains. Her head is completely bald. The shadows lining the tops of her hollowed out cheeks are so dark they’re almost black. Her skin is no longer fresh and glowing, but practically translucent, blue veins appearing amidst the excessive purple bruising along her forearms. Every bone in her body protrudes from beneath her skin, and as I watch her facial movements in her sleep, with each wince she unknowingly makes, I recognize that the pain ripping through her body must be unbearable. Even in her frailty, her strength is undeniable.

My free hand captures the gasp before it works its way out of my mouth and I force it back until it lodges with the boulder already present in my throat, making it impossible to breathe. My entire body quakes uncontrollably as I observe her from afar, every emotion possible racing through me as my heart slams repeatedly against my chest. I start to shake my head and take a step backward, but as I do, Kaeleb’s hand cups my cheek and forces my eyes away from her. I lock eyes with him, fear directing my movements as I continue to shake my head back and forth.

His thumb brushes away the tears streaming down my face, but he says nothing as his beautiful hazel eyes continue to hold mine, his expression stern but not uncaring. Clenching his jaw tightly, he releases his hold on my hand and curls it gently around the back of my neck before pulling me into an embrace. I nestle my cheek into his chest and fist the back of his coat, allowing his arms to hold me upright as I cry. Tears work their way from my eyes and trail slowly down my cheeks until they eventually fall to the floor. I focus on them, trying to nurture that flickering shard in my chest so that it may provide me the strength to face my fear.

To face Linda.

To face death as it stares me in the face.

Again.

I focus on my breathing, and it’s long after my cries taper off that I finally manage to pull away from Kaeleb. His face is still drawn tightly, but he places his hands on either side of my neck and tenderly wipes the remaining traces of moisture from underneath my eyes. He glances down at his mascara-coated thumbs, and then back to me before stating, “Now these kind of black smears are acceptable,” and throwing me a light-hearted wink.

I roll my eyes, but can’t deny that his humor is exactly what I need in this moment.

Of course, I don’t tell him that. I just give him a light shove in the shoulder, causing him to chuckle under his breath.

Drawing in a calming breath, I give him a nervous smile, shrug off my coat, and finally turn to Linda.

Step by step, I make my way to the side of her bed.

When I arrive, I try to maintain my composure while my fingertips tenderly brush along the bruises that darken the skin of her forearm. My eyes travel over her face, her chest, her hands, her head…every part of her that I need to familiarize myself with before waking her.

And when I feel I’ve absorbed the pain, the guilt, the sorrow, the anger—all those overwhelming emotions I haven’t allowed myself to feel for so long—I let them all combine, further cultivating the light within me as it pumps courage into my veins, light that I never thought myself capable of having.

Strength drives my voice as I lean over and whisper in her ear, “Linda. It’s me. I’m here.”

Linda’s eyes drift open, the green color not as vivid as I remember. She twists her neck slowly, painfully, to meet my gaze and my chin trembles as I reach forward. Running my fingers along the depressed area of her cheek, I give her as much of a comforting smile as I can muster.

She raises her hand to cover mine and I eye the I.V. to make sure it stays put as she clenches my fingers tightly. Her chest rasps as she works up the strength to whisper, “I knew you would come.” She breaks her stare as she looks over my shoulder, tears sliding from the corners of her eyes. “Thank you.”

Glancing behind me, I see Kaeleb offer her a slight smile before dipping his head. “You’re welcome.” He turns away, removing his coat and placing it with mine in a chair before heading toward the door. “I’m going to give you ladies time to catch up. I’ll be back soon.”

I watch as he leaves, before twisting back in Linda’s direction and taking a seat next to her. She releases my hand, setting hers softly on my leg before trying to prop herself up higher against the pillow. She begins to cough, each one deeper than the last, until she frantically signals for something on the other side of the bed. I jump up and run to where she’s pointing and retrieve the trashcan with the biohazard lining, holding it up to her as she continues hacking. Taking it from me, she presses her mouth against the side, finally ridding her lungs of the blood as it dribbles down the liner. My feet haul me to the bathroom and I fist some paper towels from the dispenser, marching even more quickly as I return to her side to wipe her mouth. Her eyes are apologetic as she leans back, still holding the trashcan, clearly exhausted from the episode.

“I’m sorry, Aubrey,” she says, her raspy voice filling the air. “I hate that you have to see this.”

My head shakes furiously. “No, I should have been here all along.” Taking my place beside her, I reach forward to stroke her face again. “I’m the one who should be saying I’m sorry, not you.”

Her lips lift into a weak smile. “I’ve missed you so much.”

I return the gesture, taking her cold hand into mine. “Me too.”

We remain quiet for some time, both taking note of the many differences in our appearances since the last time we saw each other.

Linda squeezes my hand lightly. “Well, at least you don’t have those damn contacts in.” She laughs lightly, setting off another coughing episode. Once she’s done, she leans back and I take the trash can from her hand, setting it on the floor as I scoot closer to her. “Linda, do I need to get the swear jar? Your language is borderline offensive.”

She grins, but curbs her laughter. “Do you still have that thing?”

“I do.” And I know right where it is. It’s packed in a box underneath my bed, the first thing to go once I’d decided to remove all traces of the people I loved from my sight. Even in my sorry state, the symbolism of that jar’s eradication was not lost on me. I smile inwardly as I remember Kaeleb and Quinn that first night in the dorm room.

Goofballs.

My heart staggers with the memory of Quinn’s contagious giggle.

I press thoughts of her aside, hoping that my abandonment hasn’t completely severed our friendship.

As I turn my focus back to Linda, her face falls serious as she tightens her hold on my hand. “Aubrey, I want you to know that I never wanted you to have to go through this. To have to endure this situation ever again. You’ve experienced too much.
Seen
too much. The idea of you having to watch this, I just…” She releases a weary sigh, her wheezing becoming more prominent as she speaks.

“Linda—”

“No,” she states firmly. “I need to say this.”

I nod my head, silencing my objection in order for her speak.

“I tried to fight this, I did. I want you to know that there’s nothing in this world that I wouldn’t do, no war I wouldn’t wage, no battle I wouldn’t withstand to prevent you from having to experience yet another loss in your life. But my body,” she breaks to wipe the moisture from her face, “my body is losing against every single form of combat. Surgery didn’t work. The cancer was too aggressive and had already spread, and chemo and radiation seem to halt its progress, only for it to come back with a vengeance.”

Linda’s eyes continue to seep tears, but determination fills them as she states, “I’m looking into other options, though. I want you to know that. I will keep fighting for you.”

I swallow my tears deep into my throat, allowing her resolve to wash over me, and as her words fill my heart, I
finally
see it. Right in front of my face as it glares at me, unyielding. The stark contrast between Linda’s determined battle and my parents’ tragic surrender when faced with hardship, when faced with death. The incredible distinction of the value each placed upon their lives and mine.

As I stare at Linda—purpose casing her entire expression—it becomes clearly obvious whose footsteps I’ve been following in…and whose I should be.

I’m forced to look away, swiping my hand across my cheek as I process her words. As I replay them over in my head, the ember in my chest converts into a glowing flame, and hope begins to churn throughout my mind and soul, the wheels spinning in my mind, fanning it as it grows.

Sometimes in life there are these random moments when everything just
clicks
. When all the fragments of your fractured past fall together, merging in your mind to form a lucid image of your future. Each mistake made becomes a vital piece as it serves whatever purpose necessary to complete the picture as a whole and suddenly everything becomes so clear.

Sitting in the hospital with Linda, listening to her words, her determination to give me the very gift of
her
life no matter how painful and exhausting that struggle may be…well, this is
my
moment. Because as I sit next to this brave, ferocious warrior it suddenly becomes clear to me how valuable life really is.

Every being in this world makes an impact on at least one person they encounter during their lifetime. You can change the course of someone’s life by just a kind word, a hateful one, or even by simply choosing not to say anything at all. Every choice you make has the potential to create a ripple effect, trickling into and affecting the lives of others.

Life, your existence in this world, is a very powerful thing. Truly a gift that you can give to others, but by hiding behind my fears, by isolating everyone around me, I know that my gift has been utterly wasted. There is no mark I’ve made in this world. No betterment has been achieved. I’ve allowed myself to experience nothing that I could utilize in teaching others, helping others, or bettering their lives.

And as I come to this realization, the flame within me begins to burn so intensely, it illuminates the darkness, lighting the path I must take to become the person I know I want to be. That I can become. But I also know that it won’t be an easy journey.

There will be heartache.

There will be anger.

There will be fear.

There will be sorrow.

But as with all life, there
must
be balance.

Without heartache, there is no understanding of the true meaning of love. Without anger, passion cannot be comprehended. Without fear, there is nothing gained when overcome. And without sorrow, happiness can never be realized.

My soul takes flight with the fire inside me. It lifts as it becomes weightless like a Chinese lantern, further brightening the path in front of me as it floats, and I watch as eight-year-old Aubrey Miller approaches in the distance. Her features are angelic and the smile on her face is full of nothing but radiance and joy as she takes my hand, encouraging me to take my first step.

There is no death.

There is no anguish.

There is no dread or terror.

There is only
us
standing together hand-in-hand. Two separate entities as we become one.

I feel her energy seep through my pores and as her presence enters my soul, I know the darkness I created around her was exactly that—my creation.

Aubrey Miller was
never
death.

Aubrey Miller is just a girl.

A girl who has experienced a lot of loss, thus losing her way for a very long time by choosing to remain buried inside gloom and blackness.

A girl who has finally managed to find her light, coming forth through her fears and breaking free from her grave as she is
truly
resurrected.

A girl who I am proud to be.

Breaking free from my dream-like state, I turn to Linda and smile as I take my first step down the path.

“No more fighting, Linda. It’s time to go home.”