Authors: Noelle Marchand
“I’d say so,” she said, glancing back at the hundred or so people who talked, laughed and danced. She opened the envelope and carefully removed the letter. “Mrs. Sparks gave this to me. It’s our response from the Brightlys. She said it got mixed up in her mail.”
He stilled. “What does it say?”
“I don’t know,” she said quietly. “I thought we should read it together.”
He gestured to the stairs. She carefully settled onto the step beside him. He shifted toward her and placed his arm behind her to brace himself. Awareness rushed over her. She felt the warmth emanating from his chest just inches away from her shoulder.
She glanced up toward where the moon hovered in the sky, eagerly awaiting the sun’s departure as she tried to reason with herself. She didn’t want to give in to the seductive feeling of hope that stirred in her chest. She didn’t want to acknowledge whatever emotion spread warmly through her soul. It couldn’t be love. She knew better than to give in to that, so there was no reason for her to react this way. She scooted farther away from him, then held out the letter. “You’d better read it.”
He looked at her curiously but took the letter without comment. He scanned it carefully. “They say they can’t promise the children won’t slip and mention something, but they are willing to stay silent about it since we’ll be married in a few weeks anyway. They are excited to see us again. They hope we will meet them at the train station.”
“That’s it?” she asked in confusion. “I wasn’t expecting it to be that easy.”
“That’s it.” He smiled as he refolded the letter. “You didn’t need to be nervous after all. Now, we just have to get ready for the wedding.”
She nodded slowly. “That shouldn’t be too hard. It sounds like we’re going to have a lot of help.”
He grinned. “My sisters are going to pour themselves into it.”
“So will my mother,” she said with a smile. “Our families seem to get along pretty well, don’t they?”
“A sight better than we do.” He glanced away but not before she saw a shadow of pain in his eyes. She hated that she’d put it there. She also hated the change that seemed to have taken place in their relationship since their argument. Sean seemed less open and less like himself around her. She half expected him to get up and leave her as he’d tried to do earlier that day. Surprisingly, he seemed just as content to stay with her as she was to stay with him.
Above their silence, music from the quartet drifted softly toward them. She realized they were playing slower songs to calm folks down before the festivities came to an end. Only a few couples danced in the open field. It was hard to distinguish the identities of the couples from their silhouettes, but it looked as though her parents were out there dancing. She smiled as she watched them twirling slowly to the music. A new song started. It was just as slow as the last one.
“You’ve never asked me to dance,” she blurted out.
He looked at her carefully. “I didn’t think you would want me to.”
She shrugged lightly, as though it didn’t matter.
He broke the lingering tension between them with one slow, teasing, heart-stopping grin. “You want to dance with me. Don’t you, Lorelei?”
She tried not to smile, but it didn’t work so she met his gaze defiantly. “So what if I do?”
“Come on,” he said with an enticing wink.
“We’ll never make it before the song is over,” she protested, even as she allowed him to pull her to her feet.
“Sure we will.” He tugged her down the stairs. Instead of leading her across the field, he pulled her into his arms, then began to dance. Her gaze darted to the other couples. No one seemed to have noticed them. She wondered why he hadn’t tried to move into the open where everyone would see them. She bit her lip as she was suddenly reminded of all the times he’d told her that he was no longer just pretending to court her.
Now, for the first time, she was willing to believe it. She wanted to know how it felt to be courted by the man she’d loved without endeavoring to push him away or silence her own feelings. She just wanted to enjoy the moment without worrying about what would come next or if she would get hurt or anything else. She was here with him. Perhaps that was all that mattered.
He dipped his head just enough to whisper into her ear. “I missed you today, Lorelei.”
She pulled back enough to look up at him. “Then why did you stay away?”
The corner of his mouth pulled into a half smile just guilty enough to tell her he had been up to no good. “I almost wish I hadn’t because I missed spending the day of our engagement with you.”
She tilted her head suspiciously to repeat in a whisper, “Then why did you stay away?”
He met her gaze seriously. “I wanted to prove something.”
“What?”
He stared down at her for a moment. His green eyes deepened in color, then he pulled her closer until their dancing became little more than a simple sway. She hardly noticed when they stopped dancing all together. She was more aware of the way Sean’s arms slipped around her waist, the rough fabric of his shirt beneath her cheek and the way her heart seemed to respond to his. She was about to prod him for an answer when his voice rushed past her ear in a firm statement. “Lorelei Wilkins, this isn’t ‘nothing.’”
She let those words settle around her for a long moment as she acknowledged the truth behind them.
“I know, Sean,” she agreed softly.
Yes, I know. I know, and it scares me to pieces.
Chapter Twenty
S
ean had never imagined such a large family could travel with so few pieces of luggage. He set the last large trunk onto the wagon where it joined its partner and only two other suitcases. He exchanged a look with James Brightly.
James shrugged in amusement. “It doesn’t look like much to start out with, does it?”
“You couldn’t carry much in that traveling wagon,” Sean replied. “You should have plenty of room to spread out in the parsonage.” He grinned and slapped the harried-looking man on the back. “It sure is good to see y’all.”
“I feel the same way. I’m sure Marissa and the children appreciate seeing familiar faces in this new environment.” James grinned. “I have a really good feeling about this town, Sean.”
He laughed. “Well, don’t burst your buttons yet, Preacher. This is just the railroad station.”
With everyone helping, it only took a few minutes to get the Brightly family settled into the wagon. Sean gave James directions to the parsonage, then promised to meet them there to help with the unloading. The children waved at them until the wagon turned the corner. Lorelei waved back at them as they began to follow the wagon. “I thought I’d never see them again.”
“They were certainly happy to see you.”
“The children thought I was going to be their nanny again.” She glanced away and toyed with the strap of her reticule. “I told them I couldn’t because I was going to marry you.”
“I hope you didn’t sound that depressed when you said it.”
He glanced down in time to see her press her lips together. This was not good. The closer they got to the wedding, the tenser she seemed to become. He wished he knew what to do. He’d thought about telling her the truth about his feelings for her but he was pretty sure it would just make things worse. She might even get a notion into her head to save him from a loveless marriage like she had with Lawson. At least this way she thought it was fair because they were on a level playing field.
He wanted to reassure her that everything would work out for them. He wanted to tell her that he’d be good to her. That he’d be kind and understanding while she adjusted to farm life and that he was sorry it was all he could offer her. He wanted to banish all of her fears so that she would look forward to their wedding day with joy. But who was he kidding? He hadn’t been able to banish his own fears since he was ten. How could he possibly banish hers?
* * *
Lorelei slid onto the piano bench and gently brushed her fingers over the smooth keys. After helping the Brightly family unload their luggage, Sean had gone back to work while she’d slipped away to let the family settle in. She hadn’t gone far. She needed the respite that the sanctuary offered. She stared at her engagement ring.
The nine days since the proposal had rushed by in a whirlwind of preparation for the wedding, leaving her breathless. Less than a week remained before she would officially become Lorelei O’Brien. She sighed. She’d just have to make the most of it. Wasn’t that what people always said when they were faced with doing something they knew they would probably fail at?
A burst of sound filled the air as her fingers tripped through the scales. What had happened to that fearless girl who’d jumped on a train willing to ride all the way to California in search of a new life? She guessed that girl hadn’t been running to something as much as she had been running from it.
What had Sean said? I’m afraid to allow myself to feel something for once.
Her fingers paused abruptly. “What does he know anyway?”
Resettling her fingers on the piano, she began to play Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata.” The soft melody slowly built until she lost herself in it completely. The piece ended as softly as it began, leaving the last notes to fade into the stillness of the silent sanctuary. She valiantly tried to blink away the tears that clung to her lashes, but a few renegade drops tumbled down her cheeks. She didn’t bother to brush them away. Instead she stared at the tear-blurred keys. The sound of movement in the sanctuary made her jerk to attention. She felt heat gather in her cheeks.
“Pastor James,” she breathed in quiet alarm.
He stood from where he sat on one of the back pews to offer her an apologetic smile. “I didn’t mean to intrude. I heard you playing and couldn’t stop listening. Mrs. Sparks said you played on Sundays, but I had no idea you were so accomplished.”
“Thank you,” she said, grateful that he was giving her time to recover her wits. “Reverend Sparks and his wife were gracious enough to let me practice on the piano whenever it didn’t interfere with church functions.”
He sat on the front row. “I hope you will continue to do that.”
“I probably won’t be able to come as often as I used to.” She smiled briefly. “I’m getting married, you know.”
“Well, I hope you’ll come in and practice whenever you have the time.”
She was surprised that he didn’t question her about her obviously precarious emotional state. He seemed to recognize her confusion and smiled. “I am your pastor now, Lorelei. Well, maybe it isn’t quite official yet, but it will be on Sunday. I hope if you ever need to talk to me or my wife, you won’t hesitate to do so.”
She bit her lip as she considered whether or not to ask the question that her heart begged to know. “Now that you mention it, there is something that I would like your opinion on.”
He leaned forward and clasped his hands together. “Go right ahead.”
“You and Marissa know more about my true history with Sean than most of the people in this town. What you may not know is that I was in love with Sean for a long time. I never told him, until recently—and at that point, I made it very clear that my feelings for him were all in the past. I carried the pain of my silly, childish broken heart for a long time.” She smiled ruefully. “I’ve managed to forgive him and myself. Now, I think I’m falling in love with him again.”
He surveyed her in careful concern. “Why do I get the feeling you think that is a bad thing?”
She bit her lip. “I had gotten to the point where I was fine without love. Now, I’m so afraid of being hurt, I think I’d rather just not feel anything at all. I don’t know what to do.”
He frowned thoughtfully. “I think you have the wrong idea about love, Lorelei.”
“I think so, too.” She turned on the piano bench so she could face him, then clasped her hands in her lap. “What is the right idea?”
“I don’t mean to offend you, but the type of love you’re talking about seems almost like a selfish sort of love. You’re concerned with how accepting love from others will affect
you
when you should be concerned with how giving love to others will affect
them.
”
“I’m not sure I understand.”
“Lorelei, even if you are the only person in the world who can do without love, that doesn’t mean others can. Love others as you wished to be loved. I’m not saying that you won’t get hurt. We all have our failings and often end up hurting others intentionally or unintentionally. Regardless of that, we still need each other.”
She glanced down and smiled ruefully. “If that’s true, then it does seem like I’ve been rather self-preoccupied, doesn’t it?”
“You were confused, hurt and trying to protect yourself. I completely understand that. It’s just…” He paused for a moment as if searching for the right words. His eyes landed on something behind her, and she followed his gaze to the large wooden cross at the front of the church. She glanced back to see him step onto the platform. “We have to put it in the perspective of the cross. Wouldn’t you agree that Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross was the purest act of love the world has ever seen?”
She glanced up at the cross. “Yes, I would.”
“Jesus was the Son of God. It was within his power to protect himself.” James turned to face her and thoughtfully spread his arms out to mimic the shape of the cross. “This is how he died, Lorelei. There is nothing defensive about this position. In fact, it’s probably the most exposed position a person can take. He opened up his heart. He stretched his arms wide and became completely vulnerable to show us what true love looks like.”
He dropped his arms, then turned to look up at the cross. “A lot of times we only see love as beautiful and healing and restorative. Yet, sometimes love is purest when it’s bruised and aching. Whatever form it takes, Lorelei, the cross proves that one thing never changes. Love is always,
always
giving.”
She didn’t even realize she was crying until a quiet sob caught at her throat. She covered her lips with her hand. James seemed to sense that she needed a few minutes alone because he quietly slipped away. Left with nothing but the visual reminder of his words, she allowed the tears to flow freely from her eyes. They were tears that had been held back for far too long.
Minutes later, she wiped the tears from her face. She was stronger than her fears. With God’s help, she would face the future. Resolve filled her being. She was ready for her wedding.
* * *
Lorelei pulled in a deep, bracing breath as she glanced down at the clinging bodice of her wedding dress. She had made a few changes to the design since she’d last worn it, but the white satin stretched across her hips with familiar ease. She waited as her mother attached the veil to the back of her hair, then straightened it. Setting her shoulders in determination, she met her mother’s gaze.
Caroline smiled as she carefully tamed one of Lorelei’s wayward curls. She stepped back to survey Lorelei and nodded her approval. “You look beautiful, dear. Are you ready to head downstairs?”
“I think I’d like a few minutes alone first.”
“I’ll let everyone know that we’re almost ready to begin.”
“Thanks, Mama.” She waited until her mother slipped out the door and closed it quietly behind her before she turned to face the image of a bride staring back at her in the mirror. The breeze from the open window stirred her veil and filled the room with the scent of roses.
This was it. This was the moment she had alternately hoped for and dreaded. The moment she said “I do” she would be making herself completely vulnerable. She was going to promise to love, honor and keep Sean for the rest of her life—and she was going to mean it. Despite her talk with James, traces of fear swirled through her mind.
“Perfect love casts out fear,” she breathed. She’d learned a lot about love since her talk with James by studying what the Bible said about it. She opened the large family Bible that had taken up residence on her night table and flipped through the pages until she reached the verse that had been bothering her. Her finger trailed across the page. “‘Love does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth.’”
Truth.
She swallowed at the thought of all of the guests waiting downstairs. What would their reaction be to the truth?
* * *
Sean barely refrained from pulling at the high neck of his fancy white button-down shirt. He fiddled with the cuff links on his black Western-style jacket before stuffing his hand in the pocket of his black pants. He stood in the front of the parlor where the ceremony would take place and tried to make small talk with Judge Hendricks.
He glanced around the parlor at the thirty people who had managed to fit inside while still somehow leaving space for a center aisle. Some of the men stood around the perimeter to give the ladies room to sit. Judge Hendricks stepped aside to have a word with the violinist who would provide the music for Lorelei to walk down the aisle, leaving Sean to fend off his nerves by himself.
He glanced to the back of the room in time to see Caroline step in from the hall to wait with her husband. That meant no one was with Lorelei. He spotted Ellie talking to Caroline, then managed to catch his sister’s attention and discreetly summon her. “What’s the hold up, Ellie? I thought the ceremony was supposed to have started already.”
“Goodness, you look nervous,” she said in amusement. “Lorelei just wanted a few minutes to herself. That’s all. Calm down.”
He froze, but his heart began to race. “How long has it been since anyone talked to her?”
“A few minutes, maybe. I don’t know, Sean. No one is timing it,” she said distractedly. At his sharp intake of breath, she looked at him more carefully. Suddenly her eyes widened. “You don’t think…” She bit her lips as if afraid to continue.
He sent her a glance that told her exactly what he thought. He tried to appear calm as he passed under Mrs. Greene’s watchful eye to walk toward the Wilkinses. He met their curiosity with tempered alarm. “Did Lorelei come down these stairs?” he asked in a low voice that didn’t carry past the two of them.
“Of course not,” Richard said.
“She is still in her room,” Caroline offered. “She just wanted a few minutes by herself.”
I bet she did.
He glanced up at the stairs. “Her room has a window, doesn’t it?”
Caroline nodded. “Yes, it overlooks the backyard.”
“Excuse me,” he breathed as he stepped past them.
He walked out to the backyard, then glanced up at her open window. He expected to see a sheet hanging down the side of the house, but it wasn’t there. He must have anticipated her. Any minute now he would probably see her satchel tumble to the ground beside the yellow rose bushes. Or perhaps she’d step out onto that tree branch next to her window. It was plenty close enough to afford an escape. He crossed his arms, bracing himself to wait. He heard the back door of the Wilkinses’ house open and glanced over to see Caroline staring at him in confusion. “Sean, come inside.”
He shook his head, then turned back to the window. “Just a minute, Mrs. Wilkins.”
The woman went back inside, leaving him staring at the open window. The ground beneath him began to sway. He braced himself. He began to consider the possibility that he was too late. He should have thought of this. He should have had a plan. He’d just been so sure that she was dedicated to getting married. His only concern had been securing her love. He’d felt her tension. Why hadn’t thought of making sure she was prepared to walk down the aisle? He should have planned better.
His chest began to tighten. She’d run from Lawson. Why wouldn’t she run from him? It wasn’t as though she loved him. She’d made that clear plenty of times. He’d thought she wouldn’t want to sentence him to a loveless marriage. Maybe she didn’t want to sentence herself.