Authors: Rachel Higginson
“Ava, don’t disappoint me,” Nix turned his attention to my mother who audibly gasped at his words. “I’m leaving her in your hands. I want her perfect again. Do your job as her mother for once in your life.”
She nodded pathetically, barely able to meet his intense eyes.
“Good,” he finally growled and then pushed off the wall.
My mother and I sat perfectly still long after the door slammed behind him. Neither of us could meet the other’s eyes or get up to move around. He was everything in both of our lives. We both bent to his will, followed his commands.
The difference between us couldn’t be more obvious. My mother resigned herself to this life a long time ago. There was no other existence for her.
And for me? This was the only existence I refused to live. I would play my part. But Nix would not rule over me forever.
I decided to call Smith in that moment. He offered help and I would take it. Things could always get worse than they were now- but not by much. And that was a risk I had to take, because if I waited much longer I wouldn’t be able to leave. I wouldn’t be able to piece back together all of the broken pieces that ceased to make a whole person. There would only be the ghost of me that remained.
A ghost, just like my mother was.
Chapter Twenty-Three
“Ivy,” Ryder called before I could even step foot inside the building.
Damn it. I hoped my whole plan to arrive late and leave early, avoid even eye contact with him and ignore all people completely would work out in my favor. Apparently, Ryder came prepared this morning, verbal guns blazing and all.
“What?” I grunted. I knew this was coming. Obviously he would have questions. But it didn’t make me any more excited to deal with them.
“You need to talk to me, Ivy.” He was leaning against one of front doors apparently waiting to attack me. His arms were crossed over his chest pulling his faded blue long sleeved t-shirt tight across his biceps, his jeans hung loose and torn at the knees and thighs. His black combat boots were untied and still damp from the constant fall drizzle outside. And his hair, oh good lord, his untamable hair. His wild, bed-head hair stood up haphazardly in every direction. The dark brown locks going straight up only to fall over at the tips and tell the story of a hand being dragged through them in frustration, or anger, or…. desire.
Energy rushed through me at the sound of my name on his lips. I paused in the doorway, without consciously deciding to stop. He had that kind of control over me. He called to me. Intoxicated me. He was becoming so much more to me than I should have ever let him. And yet my eyes were locked to his even while I screamed internally at my legs to move.
“About what?” I shrugged one shoulder and waited. I was hoping if I could pull of indifference maybe he would chicken out.
“Who is that guy?” his deep voice demanded, even while I watch his tongue wet his bottom lip and his jaw clench with some kind of raw emotion I couldn’t identify.
“What guy?” I whispered, forcing my eyes back to his.
“Stop it, Red. Just stop.” I winced against his harsh tone and his gray eyes immediately softened.
“I can’t,” I shook my head desperately and then glanced down the hallway nervously.
“You told me we were friends last night. You.
You’re
the one who told me we were friends. Let me be your friend,” he pleaded in the softest voice I had heard him use.
I tilted my head so that I could inspect my Tory Burch flats and the hot pink skinny jeans that were basically painted on my legs. I could kick myself right now. Keeping Ryder at a distance did not mean declaring a relationship with him even if it was of the platonic variety. And it certainly didn’t mean including him in all the twisted intricacies of my life.
“Ivy,” he breathed. He took a step forward and very gently slipped his fingers into the hand hanging limply at my side. “I’m not going to do or say anything that will get you into trouble. But I need to know that you’re alright.”
The warmth of his fingers spread through my body like liquid heat, infecting every inch of me. I felt every small connection of his skin to mine, the pads of his fingers, his joints that bent to curve around my hand, the heel of his hand as it pressed into mine. I closed my eyes against the sensation. The feeling was so profound, so all consuming that it intensified until my fingertips tingled and my toes curled. I closed my eyes and prayed this was all that Ryder was, just a rush of feeling, of sensation, that the only pull I felt to him was the rush.
But even I wasn’t that good at lying to myself.
“Are you in trouble?” he whispered.
“No,” I felt myself answer. “He’s just a friend of my family. He…. he’s overprotective of me. That’s all.”
I made myself look up at him and meet his penetrating gaze. I mashed my lips together and begged him to drop this.
“I just want-“ he started, but didn’t get to finish.
“Oh good you found her!” Phoenix called from down the hall. He was walking toward us from the same classroom I knew Chase was in and I instantly felt guilty. I pulled away from Ryder immediately, breathing easier with the small distance. “So have you asked her yet?”
Ryder shook his head, his expression pulled into masked pain. He smiled at Phoenix as he approached with a large wooden hall pass swinging in his hand, but his eyes stayed hard granite, pinched in the corners and he raked his hand through his already tousled hair as if he were trying to pull it from its roots.
“Ask me what?” I braved, ignoring the way my voice cracked and tremble.
“Your friends spilled your secret last night, Ives,” Phoenix announced somberly and I felt all the breath leave my chest in a whoosh of panic.
“What do you mean?”
“About the you know,” Phoenix’s brow turned down to concern before he mimicked playing the
piano
, his fingers wiggled animatedly in the air. “Exie said you could seriously play.”
“Oh, the piano? Um, yeah, just a little bit,” I answered. My breathing returned to normal, but this secret was no less dangerous.
“They said you were super talented,” Phoenix pressed.
“I don’t know about that. I’ve been playing most of my life though,” I answered truthfully. I embraced the distraction from Ryder’s intense focus and line of questioning.
“So you’ll play for us then?” Phoenix asked so casually I almost didn’t catch the weight of his words.
“What do you mean? For Sugar Skulls?” I asked a bit hysterically.
“Yeah, we’re looking for a keyboardist,” Phoenix’s eyes lit up with excitement and expectation while Ryder stilled to stone next to me. “We need you, Ives.”
“No, I don’t think you do,” I backtracked quickly. “I’ve only ever played classical. I wouldn’t even know how to go about playing with you guys. Plus, it will mess up your whole look if you add a girl. It’s cool that you would think of me, but honestly I would be more work than it’s worth.”
“Don’t be so modest, Red,” Ryder chided with a challenge. “I’ll help you out, help you get the feel of playing with a band. It will be good for you. Expand your horizons and all that.”
I cleared my throat nervously. “My mom probably isn’t going to be Ok with it.”
Phoenix’s entire body sagged with disappointment. His eyes pulled into huge, cartoonish versions of sadness and his lower lip slipped out into the most pathetic pout. “Aw, Ivy, we need you. Come on, don’t you want to help out your friends?”
“It’s not that. I mean, I would if I could. But you guys probably have lots of practices, plus the gigs and I don’t think I can commit to all of that right now. Don’t forget, I’ve never even played in a band before. I’ve never had to try to play with anyone. It’s probably outside of my skill set. I just don’t want to disappoint you guys, that’s all.” I hurried through my list of excuses trying to convince them to look elsewhere but I went wrong somehow. They only seemed to grow more determined the farther down my lame pile of excuses I got.
“How about we just start with one song, yeah?” Ryder asked just a fraction more gently but it was enough to break down my resolve. “You play one song with us and decide from there.”
I hesitated, wanting to say yes, but needing to say no.
Phoenix looked at me expectantly, the energy in his body slowly building again until he
bounced with the restrained excitement. “Come on, Ivy, we
need
you.” he pleaded with me, his hands pressed together in prayer position.
I opened my mouth to say yes when the office door flung wide and Mrs. Tanner hauled her large frame through the narrow space and gasped in horror at our little pow wow. “What is going on out here?” she snapped, her beady eyes falling immediately on me.
“Hall pass!” Phoenix held up the awkward wooden board with an abrupt swing of his arm and started walking backwards toward his classroom. “Check you guys later.”
I waved at Phoenix limply and waited for Tanner the Wench’s wrath. I leaned back against the wall Ryder was resting on and worked my expression into bored. Not that I wasn’t feeling the sharp pangs of panic, but it was more important to piss Mrs. Tanner off than anything else in the world.
“Where’s your hall pass Ivy Pierce?” Mrs. Tanner snapped.
“I don’t have one. Yet,” I clipped the “t” sharply just to get under her skin.
“Ryder? Please don’t tell me you’re abusing your office aide privileges with
her
,” Mrs. Tanner asked desperately in a high shriek.
Before he could even speak, a pang of guilt punched me in the stomach and I knew I had to salvage what was left of Ryder’s reputation. “Not to worry, T. Ryder wouldn’t be caught dead helping the likes of me. He’s smarter than that, aren’t you Ryder?” But before he could answer I pushed off from the wall and walked purposefully toward my locker located on the opposite end of the hall. “He was in the middle of sending me to you.”
“You’re not getting a pass from me,” she laughed bitterly and shook her head, gray tinged hair flying.
“That’s what I told him,” I tossed my thumb over my shoulder and rolled my eyes for her benefit. “I’d much rather take the detention than have to deal with you this early in the morning anyway.”
“Careful little girl or it will be worse than a detention,” Mrs. Tanner hissed.
I mashed my lips together dramatically and then zipped them closed with my forefinger and thumb before walking on. I didn’t even bother to stop by my locker. I shoved my cropped jacket into my backpack on my way to class and didn’t slow down until I had been reprimanded by my Government teacher and slid to safety in the seventies era desk.
My heart hammered in my chest, pounding out my guilt and shame for including Ryder on the rollercoaster I lived on. He was crazy to spend more time with me, to ask questions about my life. So much could happen to him, to me…. to us.
And yet my hand still vibrated with little tingles where he touched me.
The morning of classes was a blur of movement and confusion. I knew I went to all of my classes, and walked through the halls to get there, but my mind stayed busy with thoughts of Ryder.
Always
Ryder. I went over his song, the car ride home last night, his interaction with Nix and then again this morning over and over and over until I felt a little bit crazy. The constant argument of whether he was drawn to me because of my curse or that I was completely misreading his intentions warred back and forth in my head until the voices felt like they were screaming at each other.
By the time I walked into lunch I gave up trying to declare a clear winner and gave into the fuzzy haze of exhaustion instead. I avoided the buffet line completely and wandered over to Chase, hoping to extract the easy warmth he readily gave out. The rest of our little group was stretched out on the long benches, munching away at their meals, completely blind to the turmoil spinning inside me.