Authors: Rachel Higginson
And it was because Ryder knew my secret and decided I was still worth friendship.
We hadn’t actually spoken to each other yet today, he was with Chase and Phoenix in front of the building and I wanted to avoid all things Chase for a while. But just knowing Ryder supported me, made getting through the monotony of the day easier, made
everything
easier.
Between fifth and sixth period I found myself alone in an upstairs bathroom. I was kind of just wasting time and messing around with my hair when three girls walked in laughing loudly. They were giggling about boys and parties over the weekend. I recognized them instantly, cheerleaders that used to hang around Sam and the other basketball guys. Maybe they still did, I avoided the entire basketball crowd like a death sentence.
There laughter evaporated when they noticed me, their expressions puckering like someone had sucked all the oxygen from the room. And maybe someone had because I was finding it hard to breathe again. The shortest girl, also the ring leader from what I remembered lifted a slender finger and circled it around slowly, pointing at me, marking me.
“Well, look who it is,” I thought her name might have been Cammie snarled.
A taller, thicker girl, who was maybe Jayla huffed out a bitter puff of laughter. “Heard you were back, Ivy. I also heard you were making your rounds on the soccer team now.
Slut
.”
“
Whore
,” Cammie quickly reinforced their nasty sentiment. So we obviously would not be sharing our grief over Sam today.
“Why did you even come back?” The third girl asked with so much pain and loathing that I almost forgot my own problems with hers glaring so achingly bright. Her name was Cassandra, and she was drop dead gorgeous. Perfect mocha skin, long silky black hair, the darkest, deepest black eyes. She was prettier than me. Smarter than me. And had been dating Sam for two entire years before I showed up.
Before he broke up with her for me.
I sucked in an ugly, ragged breath and willed myself to meet her eyes. “I didn’t have a choice,” I admitted with not even a hint of strength or poise.
Cassandra bit out a bark of laughter. “Well, isn’t that just nice for you.”
Cammie took a step towards me. She was tiny and petite but packed with muscle. All these girls were. And even though I wasn’t helpless if it came to a fight, I knew without a doubt I wouldn’t fight back. This was a punishment I wanted, I felt like I deserved and I was going to take it.
“You shouldn’t have come back,” Cammie threatened in a menacing voice. “Nobody wants you here, nobody wants to watch you ruin someone else’s life. You’re a cheap skank that destroys people. You make me sick.”
My heart started hammering in my chest so loud I was positive they could hear it, hear my fear and self-loathing. Hot tears stabbed at my eyes and I shut them quickly to stay that weakness. I didn’t mind being the target for all their insults, or even their punching bag, but crying in front of them seemed too pathetic even for me.
The bathroom door opened and surprise of all surprises Kenna Lee walked in. She had her purse in her hand and seemed to be in a hurry, but when she stumbled into the trinity of hatred she paused, her head snapping back and forth between me and them.
“What’s going on, Ivy?” she asked in a hesitant tone.
Damn it, why did this stuff always happen in the bathroom? And why was it always freaking Kenna Lee?
“Nothing,” I whispered, but even I heard how tragic I sounded.
“Cassandra?” she questioned instead.
“We’re just leaving,” Cassandra said in a bored tone. She looked me up and down one more time, taking in all of me, my hunched shoulders, my nails dug painfully into my palms, my hair that seemed to be everywhere at the moment, my forehead that had started to sweat and my wild eyes that couldn’t escape the guilt and shame for what had happened to Sam. “I hate you,” she confessed in a mean, ugly voice. “I have
never
hated anyone like I hate you.” She paused for several moments, seeming to compose herself. “But he still asks about you. Not…. he can’t…. it’s in his eyes. It’s how he watches the door. The least you could do is pay him a visit. Ease his suffering some.”
Her words floored me. I felt like she just punched me in the heart. The wind was knocked all the way out of me. I stood their trembling, shaking from head to toe while she and her friends gave me one more disdainful look and then they turned as one unit and left the bathroom.
Kenna disappeared into a stall and all the while I stood there staring at the door, not able to move or react. She reappeared in front of me, washing her hands and then pulling some paper towels from the dispenser. While she dried her hands she looked me over with the kind of pity that was reserved for abused circus animals. Like her shame for me was so strong it bordered on disgust.
“Ivy, this is the second time I’ve rescued you…. in a bathroom,” she sighed, sounding somewhat exhausted. “So you’ve made some enemies? So what. Life goes on, it has to and you can’t stop it. Learn to stand up for yourself for God’s sake.”
I jumped at her words. There was a time not that long ago that I knew how to stand up for myself. I knew exactly what I was and even if I didn’t want to accept my future, I could at least accept my reality. But now? Now the guilt ate away at every good, strong piece of me until I didn’t want to stand up for myself, until I wanted someone else to tell me exactly what I already knew.
“You’re right,” I mumbled instead. No need to belittle her efforts.
“Listen, it’s not like…. Ok, you and me are never going to be friends, right?” I nodded weakly, hating that her words were truth. “But, I care about Ryder. I mean, even though- I care about him despite how we ended things. I just don’t want to see you hurt him, alright? Can you at least try to be gentle with him?”
“Wait,” my heart slammed against my chest and then dropped to my stomach. “What?”
“Oh, I thought Ryder would have told you. I thought Ryder had a thing- I guess, never mind,” Kenna looked thoughtful for a moment and then waved her hand in the air as if swatting away the idea.
“Ryder broke up with you? And you thought it was because of me?” I squeaked out, feeling suddenly very sick to my stomach. The world kind of reeled around and my vision started spotting. This was very bad news.
“What?” Kenna asked abruptly. “No,
I
broke up with
Ryder
. I had a thing- Hayden and I have been talking for a while and I didn’t think it was fair to Ryder.” She looked at me closely. “Although I don’t know why I’m telling you that.”
“Oh,” I started, feeling completely disoriented.
“Sorry, he always said you guys were just friends. But I don’t know, I kind of had a feeling it was more.” Kenna looked thoughtful for a moment before straightening. “Guess, I was wrong.”
“Uh, yeah, we’re just friends,” I confirmed, feeling a little flattened. Which made no sense. “Um, can I ask when you guys broke up?”
She looked at me sharply and then the pity was back. Oh great, she thought I had a thing for Ryder. Good grief.
“It was the beginning of last week, like maybe Tuesday?”
“But I saw you guys sit together at lunch every day?” I demanded. A righteous anger was building up inside me, I felt lied to. Manipulated.
“We’re still friends Ivy. Not every break up ends badly,” she patronized but then shot me a sidelong glance. “At least for me.”
“Huh,” I mused, ignoring her jab. “I thought you guys, I don’t know, I thought you were really into him.”
“I did too, but I think I was more into Ryder the musician,” she confessed, her lips pouting thoughtfully. “You know what I mean? Ryder as the boyfriend can be…. boring.”
“Boring?” I snorted. I never once remembered feeling like Ryder was
boring
. “Uh, so Hayden, huh?”
She smiled this ridiculously huge grin and I wondered if it was a special talent of Kenna’s to look like she was in love with every one of her boyfriends. “Mmm-hmmm. He’s not nearly the rock star Ryder is, but we get each other, you know?”
“Sure, I know,” I nodded slowly. I didn’t really know, but I could pretend. “Well, um, thanks for intervening. Again.” I smiled at her, hoping to convey my gratitude. But after our weird conversation about her ex and current boyfriend the confrontation with Cassandra felt almost forgotten.
Almost.
“No problem, Ivy. Just maybe…. maybe you should avoid the girls’ bathrooms while you’re at school from now on,” her eyebrows furrowed in concern and I wondered if she had a point.
“You make a good point,” I sighed and then left her in the bathroom.
Weird. That was so weird.
Chapter Thirty-Four
“Are you sure you don’t want some company?” Exie called from the driver’s seat. “I could use some caffeine.” She smiled at me knowingly, daring me to turn her down.
“No thanks,” I smiled confidently back, like this was no big deal, like I wasn’t blowing off my friend so I could interrogate Ryder until he turned blue. “I need to get to the bottom of this.”
“I’m sure he wants to get to the bottom of this too,” she winked at me and I rolled my eyes but then slammed her passenger door.
I watched Exie drive away, thankful she was willing to give me rides again now that Chase and I no longer had the carpool thing going on. I pivoted around and marched into Delice full of determination.
Ryder was wiping down the counter with a white rag when the bells over the doorway signaled a customer. He looked up from his task and when his eyes met mine they lit up in that shared secret again. He smiled at me, friendly and casual and I about snapped.
The café was empty now. The workday hadn’t wound down yet for the surrounding businesses and school had been out for a half an hour so either it was too early for kids around here, or they had already been through on their way home.
“Hey, Red,” he called from the counter. I couldn’t see anyone else working with him and wondered if his boss trusted him alone with the store. “Caramel macchiato?”
I paused midstride trying to ignore the shiver that slid down my spine because he knew my drink. Not that he hadn’t ordered it for me a couple times, but it was just so thoughtful…. so- No. This was exactly why we needed to have this little chat.
“We need to talk,” I barked and planted my hands on the counter.
His forehead wrinkled and his eyebrows drew down in concern. “Ok, let’s go,” he walked over and held the gate open that separated behind the counter from the rest of the store. He motioned for me to walk through and a little confused I did. He closed the gate behind me, and then led me along to the door that opened to the kitchen and office.
When the swinging door stopped moving behind us, he turned to face me, putting two gentle hands on my biceps. We were surrounded by stainless steel kitchen appliances and counters, everything was shiny and cold to the touch. Everything except Ryder’s warm, gentle hands searing my skin even through the material of my shirt.
“Why didn’t you tell me you and Kenna broke up?” I demanded out of breath.
His forehead smoothed out for a second and then wrinkled in the opposite way when his eyebrows shot up towards his hairline. And then a smug smile turned the corner of his mouth.
A soft laughed rumbled out of him and he shrugged a careless shoulder. “I didn’t think it mattered.
“It matters,” I argued stubbornly.
Ryder took a step closer, closing some of the space between us. The air around us changed, from casual to intense in just a moment. His breath fanned over my face, a mixture of strong coffee and spearmint. His gray eyes heated to pools of liquid silver and his tongue made a small sweep across his bottom lip.