The Search for Ball Zero (23 page)

A door slid open quietly, three men walked
into the cockpit. Their hard shoes clicking on the hard shiny floor
in unison. The man walking in the middle was the captain, he
stopped as the other two hurried off, quickly getting reports from
the supervisors.

One of the supervisors started, “Sir, the
President is about to live tweet #AddressTheNation in 10, 9..”

The captain interrupted calmy,”Yes, yes. I
know, just turn it on. No need for the countdown.” The captain
gestured to a guard and the guard hurried over to the supervisor,
grabbed him violently by the shoulder and dragged him out of the
cockpit.

“
Wait! Wait!” The
supervisor yelled. He tried grabbing the door frame as the guard
pulled him through.

The captain sat down in a chair, probably
that supervisors, reached into his

pocket and pulled out a gelatinous grey cube
and popped it into his mouth. With his mouth closed, his jaws moved
as he sucked on the cube. He calmly and slowly put his feet up on
the desk in front of him. He put his hands on his chest, fingers
interwoven. His full attention turned to the main screen as it
flicked on.

The screen faded in. The camera was pointing
down at the floor, the camera began panning up.

A loud bass line starts up, a few seconds
later an amatuer sounding rapper

comes in over it, almost every word is a
reference to drugs, hos or being rich and having guns. Anyone not
from this era would hardly understand a word of what he was saying
because it was all slang. Slang is a fast evolving creature. Every
year it gets faster and faster. When ICs got big some words would
only be cool for a day. Someone somewhere misspells a word in a
funny way and the whole world sees it on social media milliseconds
after it happens, the guy who tries to misspell that word on
purpose the next day is the biggest bozo alive. And if you’re one
of the top rappers in the world you have to be on top of that shit
man!

The camera pans up enough and the first
thing you can see is two shoes badly

boppin to the beat. The shoes are completely
different, but they’re on the same person, one is gold and one is
platinum and they both have extravagantly designed carvings in
them. Looking closely the carvings looks like a drive by shooting
scene, each shoe shooting at each other. The camera keeps panning
up and you finally see that he is wearing pants that only have one
leg. It pans up the old white hairy leg more and you see that he
has just rolled up one leg of his pant legs. His pants are covered
in logos, slogans and unreadable tags.

The slow pan up continues, so the does the
bad rapping and dancing. Next, his belly is exposed and you can
make out the word “Fuck” tattooed across it, mixed in with some
nasty looking scars. Above that he is wearing a bulletproof vest
with no undershirt, with the words “Abortion Rules! Use BayBBgone!”
on the bullet proof vest. Finally the camera pulls out and you can
see, this is the Oval Office and that’s G6, the President of the
United States as the music fades enough to hear him speak.

“
Dat’s mah new single
“Hot Infant Slut”. Holla ach yo pre-si-dent!! See I got

tha uuk ups, nigga! Infant slut, it’s hawt!
Oh shit that is AIDS my whores, AIDS! G6 here.” He gets a little
serious here, leaning up against his desk.

“
Nigga, you know dem
Elohssa boys be trippin. I heard about that warstore shit. You know
the G-dawg’s gotcho back. I’m takin care of dat Elohssa shiait!!
YOLO! Hey, you memb when you bitches didn’t wanna elec me and I got
dat terminally ILL hashtag campaign online with all that crazy shit
and I won anyways?! Yeaaah I remember dat.”

He trails off, then leans off camera for a
few seconds and comes back into frame with his cheeks puffed out
and eyes nearly closed. He almost coughs and some smoke comes out
of his mouth and nose, then he can’t hold it and starts coughing
violently and laughing at the same time. Smoke coming out of every
hole in his head in between coughs. For a long time this happens
and after a good twenty seconds he stands up straight, eyes
watering, he wipes slobber off of his face and tries to look
serious. He’s instantly completely wasted.

“
Wat?”, as he looks past
the camera, at the cameraman or someone.

He looks over his shoulder as a rumbling can
be heard coming towards the Oval Office from outside the doors.

“
Ah shit, demos!” He grabs
the off screen bong hastily, which splashes bong

water all over the desk, he then spins
around a couple times and heads for a couch, where he picks up a
pillow and jabs the bong behind it and then pushes the pillow back
over the bong in a feeble attempt to hide it. The pillow pushes
itself back out and starts to fall over the edge and G6 has a good
little battle with the pillow trying to make it balance in a spot
which is physically impossible. Finally the door shatters open and
G6 spins to face it, which knocks the bong over again and it spills
all over the couch. At the door is a group of Men in Black looking
guys who rush towards him and grab him. He puts his hands up like a
teenager being frisked for drugs by his parents.

“
Wat? You don got shit on
me rats?!” He turns and winks at the camera, “I got me rights you
stanky pigs! I pay your bills you whores!” When one of the MIB’s
tried to search his socks, G6 acts like he’s getting a blow job.
“Ohh yea!” He looks at the camera and laughs.

One of the Men in Black guys finally finds
the spilled bong on the couch. “I found something!” He says,
talking into a small mic hooked up to an earpiece.

They all gather around and look up at
G6.

As Presidential as he can sound, “I did not
hit that bong.” He’s laughing and nodding to the camera with a
thumbs up as he says this.

The Men in Black look around and confer with
each other, “Watch the tape.” One says. They watch the tape of G6’s
speech and pause it in a spot where he’s about to cough and smoke
coming out of his nose and mouth. He looks completely stoned in the
freeze frame.

“
What’s that!?” One says
pointing at the display.

“
Hey man, sometimes smoke
just comes out of me.” G6 replied without missing

a beat.

The Men in Black confer again with mumbles
and then look over to G6 with displeasure. “You may have gotten
away this time, but we’ll get you next time G6.

We’ll get you next time!”

“
Yea, bitches! This my
Oval Office.” He starts dancing, pulling out his guns and pointing
em. “Fuck yea, and don’t be comin back, fuckin rat fucks.” Then he
rushes over to the camera and his voice changes from gangsta to
high pitched kid who just tricked his parents. “Ohh, you see that
shit! I’m too slick, I’m too slippery. No one can catch yo man up
in here. No demos, no Elohssa. Don’t worry bout shit my niggas, we
be coo. You know, dos corps just be tryin to make ends, you know
dat. We all been der.”

He looks off camera, a totally stoned old
man. Someone is trying to tell him something.

“
Ohh shit! Ohh shit, k
son! K! Calm your shit! Hey, we outta time, I can’t spend no more
on you muthafuckas. Hey, my album be dropping on the
12
_th
, it’s called I

Got My Balls On Da Button and if you don’t
buy all the da songs I will fuckin kill you.”

He holds out a copy of the album art, which
shows him sitting at his desk in the Oval Office, his balls are
hanging out of his pants and are resting on a big red button.
“
Listen to this shit!” He hits play on a ghetto
blaster that is sitting on his desk. An average beat can be heard
for a couple seconds then G6 comes in.

“
Yo, yo, yo… They call me
G6,

Prez with da bling. When bitches see me,
their panties go fling. I’m so fuckin rich,

I got the biggest boat.

I got to be the prez of the Earf without 1
vote.”

The camera fades out.

Back inside the Elohssa warstore cockpit,
the captain is sitting in the same

position. A tiny smile creeps in the corner
of his mouth.

“
Ohh G6.” He says out
loud, but to himself.

He quickly dropped his legs to the floor and
spun his chair to the desk and

looked at it like a spoiled brat of a kid.
He noticed a picture on the desk, it was the supervisor he just had
killed for counting down and his family. His wife was beautiful.
The captain made a silent grunt with his upper body.

“
Is that his wife?” He
asked no one in particular.

“
Yes sir.”

In his best evil character voice he
murmured, “Bring her to my quarters.”

The captain stood up and walked out of the
cockpit, his shoes clicking as he left.

Tony woke up to everyone getting ready.
Under Perry’s covers there was

wiggling, both Perry’s fell out from under
the covers and off the bed, both naked they fell on each other and
had to grab each other in to stand. They looked at each other, you
could tell which was the clone Perry because of the shit eating
grin on his face. The real Perry was disgusted.

The real Perry slapped his clone and jumped
back, ”Don't touch it!”

“
Hey man,” Tony started.
“Those guys loved the pinball game I showed them on my phone. They
wanna go play real pinball.”
“
Yea, good luck.” Perry
snorted.

“
We’re going.” Tony said
surprisingly.

“
Where?”

“
To Treetop. I’m gonna
show em.” Tony continued.

Perry stopped whatever he was doing,”What?
How?”

“
They said they have a
car. A Jeep they said. And gas.”

Perry said in a high voice,”Whaat?”

“
Yea man, they wanted to
go. What was I supposed to say?” Tony replied.

Perry knew how to reply,”I know what you
could’ve said?! How about Humans kill monkeys? Cops? What are you
gonna do just roll up and park with a Jeep full of fucking talking
gorillas?” Perry said mockingly. He began dancing like an idiot,
then talked like an idiot,”Hi guys. I’m here with my talking monkey
friends and we’re just gonna play a few games of pinball. Dur!”

“
What did we estimate, 50
miles or so.” Tony ignored Perry’s dancing,”An hour drive? We’ll be
back before dinner.”

“
If you don’t get murdered
by drones, warstores or cannibals?” Perry added.

Tony agreed,”Yea.”

“
I told King and Axl we’d
go hunting with them, to get ready for the big show tomorrow.”
Perry said.

“
Well, you go with them,
I’ll take Einstein and the others to Treetop.” Tony

said.

“
You better be back for
the show.” L warned him.

“
You don’t want to come
with either?” Tony asked L.

“
I was gonna hang out with
Janis today.” L replied.

“
Who’s Janis?” Tony hadn’t
met her.

“
You’ll have to meet her
later, she’s really cool.” L told him.

“
Ok, so we’re all just
gonna split up?” Perry asked the room.

“
I guess, but we’ll all be
back tonight, right?” Tony asked back.

“
Yea” said the chorus.
They looked at each other, not sure they should split
up.

“
We haven’t split up yet.”
L noted,”On this side of the fence.”

“
Yea.” Perry said, looking
around. “They’re coming with me.” He finished,

nodding at his clones.

“
Cool.” Tony added,”That
Bob Marley guy is a really fucking good gamer. We

talked a bunch about tactics and stuff last
night. He really wants to play pinball. He’s really into The Art of
War and I told him about The Search for Ball Zero and he got super
excited.”

“
Don’t fuck him.” Perry
laughed. L laughed also.

Tony said mockingly,”Yea, like I’m gonna
fuck a monkey.” He looked over at

L and smiled,”I already have a monkey.”

L looked down at Fozzie,”I can’t believe he
talks about you like that?! Poor Fozzie.” She leaned down and pet
The Foz.

Someone knocked on the door, then opened it.
It was Axl, in a camouflage bandana, must’ve been his hunting
bandana. “Let go.” Perry jumped up, and ran to the door, but he was
the only one.

Perry turned around,”Cmon.” He said it like
talking to a dog. “C'mon Perry.” Clone Perry started walking
towards them. “Cmon.” He said, this time looking to his girlfriend.
She got up, of course bending over so everyone could see her
pregnant ass and gooch. L just shook her head.

Perry looked at L,”Look at that perfectly
cloned taint! She’s classy.” They

all went their separate ways.

Tony followed directions he was given to the
Garage. He hadn’t been there

before and he had to go over one of those
transitions, high in the trees. He didn’t like crossing those. The
Sun was just about to go down. The directions he was given was
follow this hallway to the end, and after the last hollowed out
tree, walk for half a mile directly to the East and the garage is
built under a tiny hill.

Tony got to the end of the tribe’s hollowed
out trees. He clicked the hidden

latches above and below the door like he was
taught, exited out into the forest and walked. He felt like he had
gone a half a mile and didn’t see any garage. There was a small
hill about another half mile away, he figured he’d try that and if
it wasn’t it, he’d have to go back and get real directions. That
hill was it, he made it and the garage door was open. He noticed on
the top of the garage door it looked like fake rocks. He imagined
if you closed the door that would camouflage the garage. “Nice” He
thought. Sitting there in the middle of the garage was a black
Jeep, seemed to be an old model, maybe the 90s. The Jeep had crude
graffiti and tags all over it, it was dented and scared with bullet
holes like it had seen some action. All around the edges of the
Jeep were strange looking hand holds. Around the Jeep were roughly
20 beings, a mix of primates and monkeys. Way more than he
thought.