The Secret Catamite Bk 1, The Book of Daniel (9 page)

"Now children," droned Miss Day
cheerfully, "we all know that there are some words we should never
use, don't we, even though we may hear others say them."

"Yes, Miss," replied one or two,
losing hope that Miss Day was going to provide actual examples. The
response seemed to satisfy Miss Day, however.

"Sometimes people use them out
of bad temper, or because they know no better," she continued,
oblivious to the distress Simon was being caused by this. He looked
up and saw the Spence gang smirking at him, waiting to see how they
could exploit the situation to hurt Simon more.

"It's usually because of poor
upbringing that people swear for no good reason, that is, supposing
that there could ever be a good reason," Miss Day went on. Sidney
Forth too was enjoying Simon's embarrassment. Simon hated Sidney
Forth. Simon was doing well now with English and reading and was
one of the better ones in the class. His stories got top marks. But
arithmetic was still a closed book to Simon. The numbers just
seemed to go round and round and get jumbled up. Sidney Forth was
clever, he could read well, write and he knew ALL his tables, right
up to twelve twelves, straight away, without having to say up the
table first! But that was not the real reason Simon hated Forth; it
was because Forth despised Simon because he could not do these
things. He was supremely contemptuous of any who could not match
his abilities. He was not one of the Spence gang, in fact at times
he was just as much their victim as was Simon. Forth had his wit to
protect him, and that stayed with him all the time. Simon had come
to rely on Daniel, but he was not always there.

"Now, when is the only time we
should use a word?" asked Miss Day, and looked expectantly round
the class. Many of the children were caught out by the fact that
she had suddenly stopped talking, and that something was expected
of them. Roused from their reverie, they glanced anxiously around.
What was the question?

Cynthia Jackson raised her
hand.

"Yes, Cynthia," said Miss
Day.

"When we mean what we say,
Miss," answered Cynthia.

"Good, Cynthia, but what about
the words we use, when should we use them?"

Sidney Forth put up his hand.
Miss Day nodded at him.

"When we know what the words
mean, Miss," said Sidney Forth.

"That's right, Sidney, good
boy," she beamed. "I'm glad that somebody was listening," she
remarked tartly to rest of the class.

The rest of the class tried to
look as if they had been listening all along, but had suffered a
purely momentary lapse of memory.

"Please, Miss, do all the bad
words have meanings?" asked Frank Hinds.

"Well, err.., yes they do,"
replied Miss Day, a little uncertainly, unsure of where this might
lead. Inspiration came to her rescue. "But of course we don't need
them because there are other perfectly good words that we can use
instead of these awful words."

"What are they, Miss?" persisted
Frank.

"Well, err.., we don't need to
go into that right now," said Miss Day, glancing at her wristwatch
hopefully. Almost playtime. Simon too hoped this lesson would end
soon.

"Please Miss, what's a
bastard?"

Simon went rigid, his pulse
racing, every sense in his body suddenly at fever pitch. It had
been Barry Spence's voice asking the question. Simon saw Spence and
his cronies watching him.

Miss Day was taken aback by the
question too. Another glance at the time. Surely the bell was late?
I wish I had never started this discussion, she thought.

"Well, er... Barry, that's not
er.. a nice word to use about anyone, is it?"

Simon felt now that everyone was
looking at him. They all knew that he was the one they called
bastard, and Simon was still unsure what it really meant.

Miss Day searched for a way
out.

"It's when someone is
illegitimate, Barry," she said relieved, hoping that would suffice.
It didn't.

"Illy-what, Miss?" posed Barry
Spence, putting his innocent looking expression to good use.

"It means, well, er.. I suppose
that the person should never have been born, in a way." She paused
for a moment's thought. "When someone......"

The bell rang shrilly in the
corridor outside the classroom, and Miss Day stopped, relieved.

"Put your things away and go out
to play," she said, and, picking up her handbag, hastened out to
the staffroom, hoping the kettle was boiled ready for a cup of tea.
Thank God that lesson was over. Never do that again.

In the classroom, Simon sat
still, the devastating import of that casual sentence sinking in.
Should never have been born. Should never have been born.

"Outside, bastard," leered
Spence right in Simon's face, arousing him from his thoughts. Simon
looked up, frightened by Spence. Did this mean he was a sort of
outlaw, like Robin Hood, who could be got by anybody? Robin Hood
had his Merry Men, Simon had ... Simon had Daniel. Daniel! Find
Daniel and tell him, and also get away from Barry Spence. Simon
quickly ran out into the yard, looking for Daniel.

Daniel was with some boys from
his class on the other side of the yard. Simon ran over, his
desperation conquering his usual nervousness of Daniel's fourth
year friends.

"Hiya, Simon," said Daniel,
"what's the matter?"

"I've got something to tell
you," whispered Simon, urgently.

"Not now, on the way home," said
Daniel, sensing his friend's mood.

The Spence gang were playing
football and were taking little notice of Simon now as they
followed the battered tennis ball round the school yard, a swarm
each anxious to get a kick. But Simon remained near Daniel for the
rest of playtime, puzzled and upset by what Miss Day had said and
impatient for Daniel's opinion on the way home.

1. 1955/9 Two
   Talking
   

Unfortunately, Daniel was not of
much help to Simon. As the two walked home that evening, they both
pondered the significance of Miss Day's pronouncement.

"Does she know that's what some
of the others call you?" asked Daniel.

Simon shook his head. "Dunno,"
he said.

"Why don't you go and ask her
what it really means?" suggested Daniel.

Simon thought about this for a
moment. What would she say? Then he realised the danger of such a
move.

"Can't do that," he said, "coz
then she will know that I'm one, and if I never should've been
born, she might report me or something, and then I might get taken
off to a camp or something."

Simon felt the old sadness grow
inside him as he thought of this possibility, and the effect this
would have on Mummy, never mind what might happen to him at a Camp.
He had heard terrible stories about Concentration Camps, and he
supposed that the same sort of things would apply in whatever Camp
was reserved for people like him. At this prospect, tears started
gently to flow down his cheek, and he wiped them with the sleeve of
his coat.

Daniel too contemplated the idea
of his friend being taken off, like in the films from Germany. It
at once excited and frightened him. Simon was a continuing puzzle
to Daniel, and he was aware of the faith that Simon placed in him.
Daniel thought of Simon's slim, soft body that he now knew so well,
and what might happen to it in one of those places. He felt his own
body stir at the thought, and decided he would ask Simon to the den
with him on the way home.

The two had continued to visit
their secret den over the years since that first time, as well
finding other opportunities, out on bike rides, sometimes in
Daniel's room when the coast was clear. The pretence was maintained
that Daniel was looking after Simon and keeping a check on him
since the discovery of the Great Difference. Daniel by this time
was aware that circumcision was not out of the ordinary having seen
other boys at the swimming baths, and wondered if Simon really
knew. Neither said anything though, and each wished to continue to
have the excuse for their intimate sessions together. Daniel found
his friend's willing compliance with his demands intensely
exciting, and gained considerable satisfaction from the feeling of
mastery it gave him. Simon too looked forward to their sessions.
For him they were times of real happiness. He trusted Daniel
totally and derived from their friendship the masculine love and
protection he missed so much, and which Daddy did not provide. In
his submission to Daniel, he too experienced excitement, and felt
that in allowing Daniel intimate knowledge of his body, the bond
between them was strengthened.

This evening though, as they
walked home together, Simon's self-esteem as low as it could sink,
his thoughts were more on the sensitive side of their friendship
than the sensual.

"I'm glad I've got you," said
Simon, again wiping his tears on his sleeve.

Daniel turned to look at Simon,
and saw the distress he was in. His heart went out to his friend,
and his thoughts of the den were put aside. Daniel knew that it was
not the time. Instead he put the arm of solace across Simon's
shoulders.

"You know I'll be your friend,
Simon," he comforted, "we always have been, haven't we?"

Simon nodded and sniffed his
agreement.

Daniel continued. "I'll not
tell. Best not to say anything to Day. She'll probably not
understand anyway."

"Promise you'll not tell,
anyone, anyone ever?" pleaded Simon.

"'Course not," assured Daniel.
"Look, neither of us has ever told anyone about our secrets, you
know, the den and all that, have we?"

Simon shook his head. Daniel was
not reassured by this however.

"You haven't, have you?" he
demanded, worried.

"No," said Simon. He certainly
had not, and moreover would not. The closeness of his friendship
with Daniel was a precious secret to share between the two of them.
He did not want anyone else to share it. Also he knew that if the
adult world found out, there would be condemnation, Daddy would
beat him unmercifully, but worse, far worse than all that, he would
be stopped from ever seeing Daniel again. At that thought, tears
flowed anew.

Daniel saw the renewal of
crying, and was alarmed by this.

"What's the matter?" he asked
anxiously. "You've not told anyone, have you? Honest?"

"No," said Simon, realising his
friend's misinterpretation of his tears. "No, I couldn't ever do
that. If people found out, we couldn't be friends anymore. I'd hate
that."

"Me too," said Daniel, relieved.
"I'd hate that too."

Each felt the love for one
another that had become the value of their relationship, and each
shrank from uttering the word. It wasn't done. Love was silly and
soft, for girls. But each instinctively knew of the love of the
other. They parted at the end of the street, with a wave and a
casual "See ya!", and both went home, warmed within by the further
sealing of their love for each other.

1. 1955/9 Daniel asks the
   Question
   

Daniel entered the house,
dropping his bag in the hall.

"I'm home," he shouted to the
house in general, cocking his ear for an answer. After a pause, his
mother answered from the direction of the kitchen.

"Hello, love, come and get your
hands washed, tea's almost ready."

Daniel went through to the
kitchen, and quickly rinsed his hands under the cold tap.

"Dad home yet?" he asked.

"He's upstairs, getting changed.
He's got to go back later. Don't forget your piano practice, will
you?"

"No, Mum. I want to learn that
new piece."

"Good boy. Here, put these on
the table, will you," said his mother, handing Daniel jam and
butter.

Daniel put them on the table,
and turned to see his Dad enter the kitchen.

"Hello, son," his Dad said,
roughing Daniel's hair with his hand. "Had a good day?"

"O.K.," replied Daniel, with his
stock response to queries about the boredom of school. Then he
remembered.

"Miss Day talked to Simon's
class about swearing today," he said. "Simon got a bit upset, but
Miss Day didn't notice."

"Poor Simon," said his mother,
"that boy leads an awful life. Did you walk home with him?"

Daniel nodded.

"He's a funny little kid, though
Daniel," said his Dad, "I don't know what you see in him,
really."

Daniel felt the conversation was
getting onto to dangerous ground.

"He's O.K. He's a good friend,"
Daniel fended, then, sensing the chance to earn credit, he
continued, "Anyway, he hasn't many friends, so I like to keep an
eye on him." Only as he said the words did Daniel realise just how
appropriate they were.

"That's very thoughtful,
Daniel," said his Mum, as she put the last items on the table. "I
know you and he get on well. Always have done. Come on then, sit
down."

She turned to the hall, and
raised her voice. "Louise, tea's ready!"

From upstairs came the muffled
reply from Daniel's fifteen year old sister. It seemed to satisfy
Mum.

As they started to eat, Daniel
thought about the events of the day, and aware that his sister was
coming decided to capitalise on his earlier discussion of school
immediately.

"Mum?" he opened.

"Yes, dear," said Mum," don't
talk with your mouth full."

Pushing aside this irrelevance,
Daniel swallowed his piece of scrambled egg.

"What's a bastard?"

"You are!" said Louise, pulling
a face at her brother as she entered the large kitchen.

"Don't start, Louise," said Dad,
sharply.

"Sorry," said Louise, without
grace.

"Did Simon ask you?" queried Mum
of Daniel.

"Sort of," replied Daniel, "he
said that Miss Day was talking about swearing in his class, and
Barry Spence asked what a bastard is."