The Secret Sinclair (16 page)

‘No … well, you can come as often as you like,’ she offered. ‘I just really would need to find out exactly when, so that Oliver isn’t disappointed … I know your work life makes you unpredictable …’

‘Have I been unpredictable so far?’

‘No, but …’

‘I’ve come every time I said I would. Believe me, I understand how important it is to be reliable when there’s a child involved. You forget I have intimate experience of kids waiting by windows with their bags packed for parents who never showed up.’

‘Of course …’

‘I know how damaging that can be.’

‘So … what do you suggest? He’ll be starting school in September … maybe weekends might be a good idea. Just
to begin with. Until he gets used to his new routine. Kids can be tetchy and exhausted when they first start school …’

‘I’m not in favour of being a part-time father.’

‘You
won’t
be.’

‘How am I to know that would be a continuing state of affairs?’

‘I don’t understand …’

‘How long before you find another man, in other words?’ He thought of her, dressed to kill, on the hunt for a soulmate.

Sarah stared at him incredulously. Slowly the nuts and bolts cranked into gear and she gave a shaky, sheepish laugh. ‘Okay. I know what you’re getting at. You think that I went somewhere exciting the last time you took Oliver out. You think that I got dressed up and decided to … I don’t know … paint the town red …’

Raoul flushed darkly and kept his eyes pinned to her face.

‘Do you really think that I’m the type of person who keeps her head down, bringing up a child, and then hits the clubs the very second she gets a couple of hours out of the house?’

‘It’s not that impossible to believe. Don’t forget you were the one who made a big song and dance about wanting to be free to find your knight in shining armour! If such a person exists!’

‘Oh, for heaven’s sake!’ She walked towards him, angry, frustrated, and helplessly aware that the only contender for the vacancy of knight in shining armour was standing right in front of her—the very last man on whom the honour should ever be conferred because he wasn’t interested in the position. ‘Look, I didn’t go
anywhere
last Saturday. Well, nowhere exciting at any rate. I met my friend and we went out for a pizza. Are you satisfied?’

‘What friend was this?’

‘A girlfriend from Devon. She moved to London a few months ago, and we try to get together as often as we can. It’s not always possible with a young child, and so I took advantage of having a night off to have dinner with her.’ ‘Why didn’t you tell me at the time?’ ‘Because it was none of your business, Raoul!’ ‘Did it give you a kick to make me jealous?’ It was the first time he had ever expressed an emotion like that. Many times he had told her that he just wasn’t a jealous person. His admission now brought a rush of heady colour to her cheeks, and she could feel her heart accelerate, beating against her ribcage like a sledgehammer. Suddenly conscious of his proximity, she widened her eyes and heard her breaths come fast and shallow. She feverishly tried to work out what this meant. Did he feel more for her than he had been willing to verbalise? Or was she just caving in once again? Clutching at straws because she loved him?

‘You’re telling me that you were
jealous
?’ Having said more than he had intended to, Raoul refused to be drawn into a touchy feely conversation about a passing weakness. He looked at her with stubborn pride. ‘I’m telling you that I wasn’t impressed by the way you were dressed.’ He heard himself expressing an opinion that would have been more appropriate had it come from someone three times his age. ‘You’re a mother …’

‘And so short skirts are out? I’m
not
getting all wrapped up in this silly business of you thinking that you can tell me what to wear or where to go or what to think!’ Her temporary euphoric bubble was rapidly deflating. ‘And I’m
not
about to start clubbing. I have too much on my plate at the moment,’ she admitted with honesty, ‘to even begin thinking about meeting a guy.’

‘And I’m not prepared for that time to come,’ Raoul said with grim determination. ‘I don’t want to be constrained to two evenings a week, and I don’t want you telling me that this is about you. It’s not. It’s about Oliver, and you can’t tell me that it’s not better for a child to have both parents here.’

Sarah looked at him with dazed incomprehension. ‘So …?’

‘So you want nothing short of full time commitment? Well, you’ve got it. For Oliver’s sake, I’m willing to marry you …’

F
OR
a few seconds Sarah wondered whether she had heard right, and then for a few more seconds she basked in the bliss of his proposal. Now that he had uttered those words she realised that this was exactly what she had wanted five years ago. His bags had been packed and she had been hanging on, waiting for him to seal their relationship with just this indication of true commitment. Of course back then his response had been to dump her.

‘You’re asking me to marry you,’ she said flatly, and Raoul titled his head to one side.

‘It makes sense.’

‘Why now? Why does it make sense now?’

‘I’m not sure what you’re getting at, Sarah.’

‘I’m guessing that the only reason you’ve asked me to marry you is because you don’t like the thought of being displaced if someone else comes along.’

‘Oliver’s my son. Naturally I don’t care for the thought of another man coming into your life and taking over my role.’

But would he have asked her to marry him if he hadn’t happened to see her in a short skirt and a small top, making the most of what few assets she possessed, and jumped to all the wrong conclusions? He hadn’t asked her to marry him when she had told him that she wanted the opportunity
to meet someone with whom she could have a meaningful relationship, that there was more to life than sex …

Sarah reasoned that that was because, whatever she said, he had believed deep down that his hold over her was unbreakable. Historically, she had been his for the asking, and he knew that. Had he imagined that it was something she had never outgrown? Had he thought that underneath all her doubts and hesitation and brave denials she was really the same girl, eager and willing to do whatever he asked? Until it had been brought home to him, silly and mistaken though he was, that she might actually have
meant
what she said?

For Sarah, it all seemed to tie up. Raoul enjoyed being in control. When they had lived together on the compound all those years ago he had always been the one to take the lead, the one to whom everyone else instinctively turned when it came to decision making. Had the prospect of her slithering out of his reach and beyond his control prompted him into a marriage proposal?

‘I didn’t think that you ever wanted to get married,’ she pointed out, and he gave an elegant shrug, turning to stare out of the window to where Oliver’s appetite for the garden appeared to be boundless.

‘I never thought about having children either,’ he returned without hesitation, ‘but there are you. The best-laid plans and so on.’

‘Well, I’m sorry that Oliver’s come along and messed up your life,’ she said in a tight voice, and he spun round to look at her.

‘Don’t ever say that again!’ His voice was low and sharp and lethally cold, and Sarah was immediately ashamed of her outburst because it hadn’t been fair. ‘I may not have planned on having children but I now have a child, and there is no way that I would wish it otherwise.’

‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. But … look, it would be a disaster for us to get married.’

‘I’m really not seeing the problem here. There’s more than just the two of us involved in this …’

‘So what’s changed from when you first found out about Oliver?’

‘I don’t understand this. Are you playing hard to get because you think that I should have asked you to marry me as soon as I found out about Oliver?’

‘No, of course not! And I’m not playing
hard to get
. I know that this isn’t some kind of game. You don’t
want
to marry me, Raoul. You just want to be in a position of making sure that I don’t get involved with anyone else and jeopardise your contact and influence with Oliver, and the only way you can think of doing that is by putting a ring on my finger!’

She spun round on her heels and made for the door, but before she could reach it she felt his fingers on her arm and he whipped her back round to face him.

‘You’re not going to walk out on this conversation!’

‘I don’t want to carry on talking about this. It’s upsetting me.’

Raoul shot her a look of pure disbelief. ‘I can’t believe I’m hearing this! I ask you to marry me and you’re acting as though I’ve insulted you!’

‘You want me to be grateful, Raoul, and I’m not. When I used to dream of being married it was never about getting a grudging proposal from a man who has an agenda and no way out!’

‘This is ridiculous. You’re blowing everything out of proportion. Oliver needs a family and we’re good together.’ But Raoul couldn’t deny that the idea of her running around with other men had, at least in part, generated
his urgent decision. Did that turn him into a control freak? No!

‘In other words, all things taken into account, why not? Is that how it works for you, Raoul?’ She couldn’t bring herself to look at him. His hand was a band of rigid steel on her arm, even though he actually wasn’t grasping her very hard at all.

Silence pooled around them until Sarah could feel herself beginning to perspire with tension. Why was it such a struggle to do what she knew was the right thing? Why was it so hard to keep her defences in place? Hadn’t she learnt anything at all? Didn’t she deserve more than to be someone’s convenient wife, even though she happened to be in love with that
someone
? What sort of happy future could there be for two people welded together for the wrong reason?

‘Look, I know that the ideal situation is for a child to have both parents at home, but it would be wrong for us to sacrifice our lives for Oliver’s sake.’

‘Why do you have to use such emotive language?’ He released her to rake an impatient hand through his hair. ‘I’m not looking at it as a
sacrifice
.’

‘Well, how
are
you looking at it?’

‘Haven’t we got along for the past few weeks?’ He answered her question with a question, which wasn’t exactly an informative response.

‘Yes, of course we have …’ Too well, as far as Sarah was concerned. So well, in fact, that it had been dangerously easy to fall in love with him all over again—for which foolishness she was now paying a steep price. A marriage of convenience would have been much more acceptable were emotions not involved. Then she could have seen it as a business transaction which benefited all parties concerned.

‘And I know you don’t like hearing this particular truth,’ Raoul continued bluntly, ‘but we get along in other ways as well …’

‘Why does it always come down to sex for you?’ Sarah muttered, folding her arms. ‘Is it because you think that’s my weakness?’

‘Isn’t it?’

Suddenly he was suffocatingly close to her. Her nostrils flared as she breathed in his heady, masculine scent. Unable to look him in the face, she let her eyes drift to the only slightly less alarming aspect of his broad chest. The top two buttons of his shirt were undone, and she could glimpse the fine dark hair that shadowed his torso.

‘There’s nothing wrong with that,’ Raoul murmured in a velvety voice that brought her out in goosebumps. ‘In fact, I like it. So we get married, Oliver has a stable home life, and we get to enjoy each other. No more having to torture yourself with pointless Should we? Shouldn’t we? questions … no more wringing of hands … no more big speeches about keeping our hands off one another while you carry on looking at me with those hot little eyes of yours …’

Although he hadn’t laid a finger on her, Sarah felt as though he had—because her body was on fire just listening to the rise and fall of his seductive words.

‘I don’t look at you … that way …’

‘You know you do. And it’s mutual. Every time I leave you I head home for a cold shower.’ He tilted her mutinous head so that she was looking up at him. ‘Let’s make this legal, Sarah …’

The sound of Oliver calling them from downstairs snapped Sarah out of her trance and she took a shaky step back.

‘I can’t drag you kicking and screaming down the aisle,’ Raoul said softly as she turned to head down the stairs.
Sarah stilled and half looked over her shoulder. ‘But think about what I’ve said and think about the consequences if you decide to say no.’

‘Is there some sort of threat behind what you’re saying, Raoul?’

‘I have never used threats in my dealings with other people. I’ve never had to. Instead of rushing in and seeing everything insofar as it pertains to
you
, try looking at the bigger picture and seeing things insofar as they pertain to everyone else.’

‘You’re telling me that I’m selfish?’

‘If the cap fits …’

‘I’m just not as cynical as you, Raoul. That doesn’t make me selfish.’

Raoul was stumped by this piece of incomprehensible feminine logic, and he shook his head in pure frustration. ‘What’s cynical about wanting what’s best for our child? You need to think about my proposition, Sarah. Now, Oliver’s getting restless, but just bear in mind that if
I
am not impressed by the thought of some guy moving in with you and taking over my role, how would
you
feel when some woman moves in with me and takes over
your
role …?’

Leaving her with that ringing in her head was the equivalent of a threat, as far as Sarah was concerned. Furthermore, for the rest of the day he treated her with a level of formality that set her at an uncomfortable distance, and she wondered whether this was his way of showing her, without having to spell it out, what life would be like should they go their separate ways, only meeting up for the sake of their child.

She resented the way he could so effectively narrow everything down in terms that were starkly black and white. Oliver needed both parents at home. They got along. There
was still that defiant tug of sexual chemistry there between them. Solution? Get married. Because she had rejected his original offer:
Become lovers until boredom sets in
. Marriage, for Raoul, would sort out the thorny problem of another man surfacing in her life, and also satisfy his physical needs. It made such perfect sense to him that any objection on her part could only be interpreted as selfishness.