The Shoestring Club (22 page)

He stares down at his feet, making them do a funny little heels-together-toes-together dance.

‘Look,’ I continue, ‘I’m here now, aren’t I? Ed Powers can go to hell.’

The front door opens behind us. Daphne Clear smiles down at us, a little too knowingly for my liking. ‘There you are, Jamie. And hi Jules, how nice to see you. What are you two doing lingering on the doorstep, come in, come in. I’d love to hear what you’ve been up to, Jules,’ she continues, in her bouncy voice. ‘Bird is so delighted with your work in Shoestring. I believe you’re making life-size elephants tomorrow.’

I smile. ‘Maybe not life-size, Daphne, but big all right. They’re for either side of the door. To celebrate Asha Bhandari’s visit.’

Daphne clicks her tongue against her teeth. ‘Thank you for reminding me. I must book tickets for my book club. Would you like to come along, Jamie, Jules?’

‘No thanks, Mum,’ he says politely. ‘Not really my kind of thing.’

I pretend to consider this for a moment. ‘Busy that night I’m afraid.’

Jamie and I swap an amused look.

‘Of course you are, poppets. Now, who’d like a nice cup of tea? I’ve got the kettle on and I’d love a good old chin wag.’

I feel suddenly exhausted. I don’t know if it’s the week catching up with me or Daphne’s dogged good spirits. I give a huge yawn.

‘Sorry, Daphne,’ I say. ‘I’m going to have to call it a night. Bird and Pandora are slave drivers and I’m wrecked. Work tomorrow.’

‘I understand.’ She smiles at me kindly. ‘Don’t be a stranger, you hear. I know Jamie missed you while he was in Galway, didn’t you, dear? He was always asking after you.’

Jamie sighs. ‘Yes, Mum. Now can you stop embarrassing me, please?’

Daphne is unperturbed. ‘I’ll leave the two of you at it then.’

Once she’s back inside I say, ‘Look, I’d better get going. Busy day tomorrow. Elephants to build, you know how it is. But are we OK, Jamie?’

He tilts his head and looks at me for a second. ‘Yes. We’re OK.’

I walk back towards my house, smiling to myself. Jamie offered to see me home, but I told him to stay put. I pull out my door key and hesitate. I hope Ed’s had the intelligence to put out the lamp and his last cigarette or else the tree house really might burn down. I sigh, put my key back in my pocket, and walk around the side to check.

But I wish I hadn’t. Ed is still there, sitting on the platform, legs dangling down, smoking and swigging from a plastic cup.

‘Wondered when you’d be back.’ He pats the wood beside him. ‘Room for a little one.’

I feel even more exhausted now. ‘Go home, Ed.’

‘Just one drink, then I’ll get out of your face, I swear. I’m really here to apologize, yeah. And I have news.’ He stops for a second. ‘About Noel. And I don’t fancy broadcasting it to the whole neighbourhood. Stop being so feckin’ stubborn.’

I stand there, seething. I
have
to know what Noel said, I have to. Ed knows he’s won, I can practically hear the self- congratulatory chuckles from down here. Without another word, I climb slowly up the ladder. Just before I reach the top he grabs both my arms and swings me out, over the ground.

‘Ed!’ For a second I almost believe he really would drop me, but then he laughs and pulls me back in.

‘You should have seen your face, Jules.’ He pulls a scared expression but stops when he sees I’m not amused.

‘Jesus, you’re a bundle of laughs these days,’ he says, ‘what’s happened to you?’

‘Just get in.’ I point at the door, hoping he’ll smack his stupid head on the low frame.

He sprawls out on the cushions and, the way he’s half sitting, half lying, my eyes are drawn to his crotch. I whip them away quickly, my cheeks hot.

‘You joining me?’ He pats the mattress beside him.

I ignore him, sitting down under the window on the wooden floor with my back against the wall. It’s a little uncomfortable but I don’t care.

‘Spit it out,’ I snap. ‘About Noel Hegarty.’

‘You read his letter, yeah? He’s really sorry. And he’s been a bit less grumpy lately, so the counselling’s obviously working.’

‘And that’s it?’ I stare at him. ‘That’s all you have to say about Noel? That he’s in a better mood?’

He runs his hands through his hair, stalling.

‘Well, yeah. I suppose,’ he says eventually.

‘Ed, that’s pathetic. He’s just getting away with it. Don’t you care?’

‘’Course I care. But what do you want me to do? He’s said sorry, he’s getting counselling. It’s best to put the whole thing behind you. Move on.’

I sigh. Maybe Ed’s right, maybe I should just forget about the whole damn thing.

‘Let it go,’ he says gently. ‘It’s for the best.’ He sits up a bit on the cushions. ‘Anyway, enough about work. How are you doing?’

I glare at him. ‘What are you playing at? You can’t just appear out of the blue like this and expect me to be happy to see you. You’re supposed to be getting married in a few weeks, remember?’

‘Ah, yes, the wedding.’ Even in the murkiness, I can see his eyes shift around nervously. ‘I have no idea how it got to this point. One minute I’m having a laugh with Lainey, the next minute we’re engaged and she’s set a date.’

‘Having a laugh? Is that what they call affairs these days?’

‘Don’t start. You were away, we had an understanding. You were hardly a vestal virgin yourself. All those foreign blokes.’

I colour. If he only knew the truth, that I’d been lying about my non-existent, far-flung boyfriends all along in an effort to keep him interested. I could hardly come clean now. Yes, I’d kissed the odd Kiwi at a party, but that was it. I hated the fact that Ed seemed incapable of being on his own, even for a few weeks. Suggesting that we saw other people while I was travelling, but only on a casual basis, nothing serious, wasn’t my idea; ironically it had been Lainey’s.

‘You have to give Ed a long leash,’ she’d said. ‘Guys like that need to feel free. If you want to keep him, you have to stop being so clingy. He’s like a tiger, likes a good chase.’

‘Yes, we agreed we could see other people on a casual basis, have flings,’ I tell him. ‘But I didn’t mean with my best friend. And getting engaged is hardly a fling, is it?’

‘Na.’ He takes out his tobacco pouch and starts rolling another cigarette. ‘Getting engaged is serious shit.’ He pauses. ‘I don’t think I’m ready for all this. Marriage and everything. I’m only twenty-five.’

‘You asked her, Romeo.’

‘I was drunk.’ He puts the finished cigarette down on the wooden floor and pulls the bottle of vodka towards him. Expensive stuff too: Grey Goose. ‘Speaking of which,’ he adds. ‘Have a drink. Might calm you down a bit.’

‘Calm
me
down? You shouldn’t be here. Especially not with me.’ I fold my arms across my chest.

‘Oh and I have something for you. Thought you might be running low on good tunes.’ He hands me a CD in a see-through plastic pouch.

I take it off him and turn it over in my hands. Ed always burns the best CDs – new bands he’s discovered, old favourites, a smattering of cheesy disco tunes, even the odd comedy song to make me laugh.

‘Some mellow stuff in there and some new stuff I think you’ll like.’ He smiles gently. ‘Guess it’s my way of saying sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Me and Lainey . . .’ He shrugs. ‘It just snuck up on us, you understand.’

I can feel tears building up behind my eyes and I steel myself not to cry. ‘No, I don’t. Why don’t you explain why of all the women in the world, you chose to hook up with my best friend?’

He picks up the cigarette and, after holding it in his hands for a few seconds, changes his mind and puts it back into the tobacco pouch. His eyes reach mine. ‘She’s good for me. All that family stuff. I didn’t have any of that when I was a kid, you know that.’

I’d only met Ed’s mum once, Diane. We bumped into her accidently on Grafton Street one Christmas – and she wasn’t exactly friendly. Slim, dyed-blonde hair, pinched face, carefully dressed in an expensive-looking, white cashmere coat. She was beautiful, but there was a hardness about her, a deadness behind her eyes. Ed’s dad had run off to Portugal with a hotel receptionist when Diane was in her late thirties and she’d made a career of extracting as much money as she could out of the man’s lawyers. Bitter wouldn’t even cover it.

‘Lainey’s straightforward, nothing bothers her,’ he continues, oblivious to the effect his words are having on me. ‘I don’t have to guess how she feels, she just tells me. We never fight. It’s easy.’

‘Easy?’ I snort. ‘It sounds like a slow death. What about passion and excitement? There has to be some sort of spark or what’s the point? And you used to complain that Lainey was the least ambitious girl you’d ever met.’

He shrugs again. ‘She knows who she is and she’s happy with that. She likes being an accountant and she wants to get married and start a family, nothing wrong with that.’

‘A family? Jesus, would you listen to yourself? You sound middle-aged.’

‘We all have to grow up sometime, Jules, even you.’ He blows his breath out in a whoosh. ‘Look, it wouldn’t have worked out between us, not in the long run. We would have killed each other. We’re no good together, maybe we’re too alike.’

And then I realize what’s been bothering me so much over the last few months. It’s not just being dumped by Ed, or even Ed and Lainey hooking up; it’s the fact that
I
couldn’t tame him. He wouldn’t change for
me
.

Of course I wanted a proper boyfriend, someone to look out for me, care about me, adore me – being on time would have been a start, he always turned up at least half an hour late whenever we met – but he came up short every time. But for Lainey he transformed into a proper, reliable partner almost overnight. Which means he loves Lainey more than he ever loved me. And that, more than anything, rips my heart out of my chest.

I start crying, huge tears rolling down my cheeks. Suddenly I feel a huge wave of emotion and before I can stop it I hear myself say, ‘I can change. I can be more like Lainey. And I want kids too, not right now, but eventually.’

‘You shouldn’t have to change, Jules. That’s the whole point. You’re perfect as you are. We’re just not perfect together. Come here to me.’ He reaches out and pulls me towards him, my bum sliding across the wood until I’m just in front of him.

He fixes me a strong drink and hands it to me. I rest my back against his chest and he wraps his arms around me from behind, making soothing ‘shushing’ noises and stroking my hair. I can feel his chest moving up and down as he breathes in and out, the warmth of his fingers on my scalp. I close my eyes and breathe in his familiar smell. Then I open my eyes, bring the plastic cup to my lips and take a long slug.

‘I’m so sorry,’ he says softly. ‘I really miss you.’

I give another sob. ‘I miss you too. So goddamn much.’

Twisting his body he leans forward and kisses me on the cheek, and then gently on the lips. For a second we sit there in suspended animation before he slides down on the cushions, taking me with him. I know I should push him away, tell him to stop, but it feels so comfortable, so familiar,
so good
, that I kiss him right back.

‘Morning, Jules,’ Pandora says as I walk into Shoestring the following day. ‘Look, I’m sorry for coming down so hard on you last night. I found the wine bottle in the living room when I was looking for Iris’s shoes earlier. Practically still full. You really did have only the one glass. I’m proud of you, Boolie. And I’m sorry I didn’t give you enough credit.’

‘Thanks, and sorry I’m late.’

‘Only ten minutes, I’ll let you off.’

She smiles at me and I feel as low as a slug. Plus, there’s a sharp pain behind my right eye like a little man is chipping at my optic nerves with a pickaxe, and my tongue’s like sand-paper. Normally I’d have rung in sick, but I really need to work on my elephants for the doorway today.

‘You OK, Jules?’ Pandora looks at me carefully. ‘Your eyes are bloodshot and your glands look a bit puffy. Maybe you’re coming down with something.’

‘I don’t feel great,’ I say.

‘Maybe you should go home.’

I shake my head. ‘I’ll survive. I need to make a start on the elephants.’

‘If you’re sure.’

I nod. ‘I’m positive.’ I feel disgusted with myself for all manner of reasons. At least in work I’ll be busy and I won’t get the chance to think too much.

Pandora smiles at me. ‘Great. I can’t wait to see them. And I found this wonderful voile at the curtain exchange for the entrance, not the exact colour of the swatches you gave me, but pretty close and . . .’

I nod, pretending to listen, my mind miles away.

Ed and I managed to finish the Grey Goose last night, a fact I’m not proud of. But it was hardly my fault, he kept filling up my plastic cup. However, I’m starting to think that maybe Sheila is on to something, maybe I am using alcohol as a crutch, but there’s no way I could have dealt with Ed sober. Who knows what I might have said? No, the drink was a necessary evil. I try to push Sheila’s concerns to the back of my mind. But kissing Ed, now that
was
wrong. The problem is, during the few hours we spent together I began to forget how much I hated him. We laughed and flirted and drank, and it felt good. Like coming home. Now it’s the morning after, I don’t feel so hot. I’m hung-over, stressed and very, very guilty.