The Shoestring Club (24 page)

Jamie smiles. ‘Seems the Schusters have dragged in anyone willing to do their dirty work. Your dad asked me to help him build some new shelving, Jules.’

I feel a wave of relief. Makes sense.

‘And does Pandora know you’re trying to solicit boyfriends for her on the street?’ he asks me.

‘’Course not. But we do need to find her someone. Fast. There’s this dress you see . . .’ I fill him in on the potted details.

Afterwards, he whistles. ‘All that work just for one dress? It must be some frock.’

‘It is,’ Arietty says. ‘And wouldn’t you even consider dating Pandora?’

He guffaws and I join in. Soon we’re both falling around the place, holding our stomachs.

‘It’s not that funny.’ Arietty looks annoyed.

‘I’m sorry,’ I manage, breathless from laughing so much. ‘But honestly, they’d be like the odd couple. Pandora’s into cheesy karaoke music, she sings in a choir, she’s anal about timekeeping, likes her men wearing suits. And Jamie—’

‘Would rather shoot himself than go near a karaoke bar,’ he puts in helpfully. ‘And does not own a tie, let alone a suit. Jules is right. Sorry, Arietty, it would be a disaster. You’ll just have to keep accosting innocent guys on the street. But there must be easier ways of finding single men. You should try the bike shop down the road, or I know, Monkstown Aquatic Centre. I did some work for them on their website and loyalty cards a few years back, it was always teeming with lads buying tropical fish. The owners call the big tropical tanks bachelor tanks; apparently they’re the first thing to go once a guy gets married. That and the pool table.’

My ears prick up. ‘Did you say loyalty cards?’

He shrugs. ‘Yeah, why?’

‘Do you still run their database?’

‘No, but if something’s on a computer, I can find it, Jules, you know that. Not that I would of course,’ he adds for Arietty’s benefit.

I stare at him. ‘Jamie Clear, I think our prayers have been answered. And don’t worry, it’s nothing illegal. I’m not after bank details or medical info or whether they have a criminal record.’ I pause. ‘Although . . .’

Jamie winces. ‘No way, José. Hacking into police files? Are you trying to get me put away?’

I smile. ‘OK, we’ll stick to loyalty cards. Pulling information off those isn’t illegal is it?’

‘It’s a bit of a grey area to be honest.’ He still looks a bit uneasy.

‘I’m just looking for mobile numbers, Jamie. Or email addresses. Of single men between the ages of say twenty-five and thirty-five who live in the area. Once I have them, I just have to work out what to do with them.’

There’s a rap on the window and all three of us jump. It’s Dad. He gestures at Jamie to go inside.

Jamie salutes him. ‘Better run, ladies. Duty calls.’

‘Will you help us?’ I ask him, my hands pressed together. ‘Please?’

He sighs. ‘It’s a big ask. But OK, you’re on. But you have to keep where you got their details to yourself. Blame one of the supermarkets or something.’

I punch the air. ‘Yes!’

Once Jamie’s disappeared inside, I grab Arietty’s arm and make her do a little Irish jig with me singing, ‘Faith Farenze here we come, diddly, diddly, diddly, do,’ over and over again before we both collapse on the pavement, breathless with giggles.

‘You’re crazy, woman,’ Arietty says, still grinning from ear to ear. ‘Luckily, I like mad people.’

‘Takes one to know one I guess.’ I smile back at her, realizing I haven’t once thought about Ed since she arrived. ‘And thanks for coming over this morning, Arietty. You must have better things to do on a Sunday.’

She shrugs. ‘No. Not really.’

Our eyes meet and I see a sadness in them. She looks away.

‘Broke up with someone recently,’ she says, blowing the air out of her mouth. ‘We used to spend every Sunday together. Never get involved with a reptile guy, Jules. They’re as cold blooded as the snakes they’re so obsessed with.’

‘And my best friend is marrying my ex and I think I still have feelings for him,’ I say in a rush, surprising myself. It’s not something I’ve admitted to anyone, even Pandora. But unlike Pandora, I don’t think Arietty will make me analyse my emotions, or tell me I’m wrong to feel this way, so it feels safe to say it out loud. ‘That’s why I want the dress,’ I continue. ‘To wear at the wedding. To show everyone I’m completely over him. And to get some sort of closure.’

She nods sagely. ‘Hard, isn’t it? They get under your skin, then bang, everything changes. And getting over them is a killer.’

‘No kidding.’

‘Stupid feckers,’ she adds.

I laugh. ‘Too right.’ I pull a piece of gooey paper out of the bucket and slap it onto my elephant’s rear. ‘That’s what I think of Ed bloody Powers.’

She cocks her head. ‘That’s his name?’

‘Yes.’

‘Stupid name. Ed.’

I chuckle. ‘And yours?’

‘Howie Dixon.’

‘That’s even worse.’

‘I know. And this is for you, Howie.’ She whips a piece onto her elephant’s behind, her eyes sparkling.

‘Let’s cover their asses in paper and then knock off for chocolate cake, yes?’ she suggests.

I grin. ‘You’re a girl after my own bruised heart, Arietty Pilgrim.’

Jamie is as good as his word. On Tuesday morning he arrives at Shoestring with a sheaf of paper in his hand and, after looking around him surreptitiously, hands it to me at the till. He needn’t have bothered, the place is deathly quiet. The shop looks amazing after the refit – the pops of colour add a freshness to the floor, and the wafting voile curtains and the elephants flanking the doorway should be enticing new customers in, but unfortunately none of our hard work seems to have made any difference to footfall. Even the café’s quiet.

I look at the top sheet, a spreadsheet, the cells filled with men’s names, dates of birth, email addresses, snail mail addresses, and marital status. I run my eye down the list – he’s pulled out the single ones and put an asterix beside the ones that live locally. Result!

I give him a huge grin. ‘You’re amazing, Jamie. This is perfect. Don’t suppose any of them supplied photos?’

He smiles back. ‘You could always send Arietty off to doorstep them. She seems pretty shameless.’

I say nothing for a second, considering this.

Jamie shifts his weight from foot to foot. ‘I’m kidding. Promise me there’ll be no stalking.’

‘’Course not. It would take far too long. I hadn’t realized there’d be so many of them.’

‘Jules, half of the men on those sheets probably have a girlfriend. And the other half could be axe murderers for all you know. The only thing they all have in common is fish.’

I bite the inside of my lip. He has a point. And suddenly I remember what Arietty said about that reptile keeper in the zoo, Howie. I’m sure fish lovers are just as cold blooded. Why couldn’t Jamie have worked for a pet shop? That’s what we need. Nice, normal, outdoorsy men with Labradors.

‘I’ve changed my mind. Can you find me dog owners instead? In fact, if you could narrow it down by breed—’

‘Jules! What do you want me to do? Hack into every loyalty card database out there?’

I tilt my head. ‘Could you?’

‘No! It would take for ever. You’re a desperate one for changing your mind. Look, you’re going about this all the wrong way. First you need to know exactly what you’re looking for. The parameters. That way you can narrow down your search.’

I ponder this for a moment, then nod. ‘Makes sense.’

‘And what are you going to do with all these eligible men once you’ve found them?’

I grimace. ‘I’m not sure to be honest. But basically I want to get them all together in one place, maybe with a karaoke machine; then introduce them to Pandora and hope some misguided fool bites. Some kind of party I guess.’

‘As long as there’s free food and beer, you won’t have a problem getting them in the door. What about a barbeque?’

My nose wrinkles automatically. ‘Not Pandora’s kind of thing. And where would we have it? In the shop?’

He shrugs. ‘Sure. Why not? Move the chairs and tables back in the café and you’d have plenty of floor space. I was in the park last weekend and they had a games day – giant Snakes and Ladders and Twister, things like that – it was for kids, but I would have loved to join in. Maybe you could have a Shoestring games night for big kids – what about all those great 80s games? – Pac-Man, Tetris, Space Invaders, Stretch Armstrong competitions, Rubik’s Cube speed trials – I’d go. And yes, a karaoke machine if you must.’

I sigh theatrically. ‘Jamie Clear, at times you are deranged—’

‘Hey!’ he protests.

I put up my hand. ‘Whoa there, I haven’t finished. Other times you are truly inspired.’ I beam at him. ‘I can honestly say I would never, ever, have thought of a games night for kidadults, but throw in a karaoke machine and plenty of drink and it might just work.’ I rub my head on his shoulder and make happy cat noises. ‘Mew, mew, mew.’ He laughs heartily and tries to push me away.

‘There you are, darling.’ Bird catches me and I quickly straighten up. ‘And the lovely Jamie.’ She smiles beatifically at him. ‘I’m so delighted you two are getting on so well. I can’t tell you how much it means—’

I cut her off mid-flow. ‘Jamie had a great idea for a shop event, Bird. Once the book festival’s over and Pandora’s not so stressed, I’ll run it by her.’

‘Probably best to wait all right. I think she was expecting a big uplift in sales on account of the refit over the weekend, but it’s quieter than ever. Let’s hope it picks up.’ She flashes me a smile, but I can see the anxiety behind her eyes. She flicks her hand in front of her face, as if swatting away a fly.

‘But anyway,’ she adds, ‘an event sounds lovely. And maybe you and Jamie could work on it together. You really do make such a wonderful team.’ Her eyebrows lift. ‘Should Daphne and I start looking for hats?’

Jamie’s cheeks flare. He’s clearly mortified at the very idea.

I glare at her. ‘Don’t you have work to do?’

She laughs and waves her fingers at us. ‘Toodle pip, lovebirds.’

‘Sorry about that,’ I say as soon as she’s pottered off.

‘She doesn’t mean any harm.’ He pauses for a minute, looking at me, an expression I can’t read on his face. I think he’s about to add something else, but then he stops. I know his own mum is bad, but she’s nowhere near as direct as Bird. It’s clearly bothering him more than I thought.

‘You OK?’ I ask.

‘Yeah, yeah. Look, I have to talk to Pandora about some images for the website, but email me exactly what you’re looking for, men-wise, and I’ll see what I can do.’

‘I think she’s in the office, doing the accounts. And thank you, thank you, thank you.’

I throw my arms around him, and kiss him on the cheek. ‘You rock, Jamie Clear, you know that?’

His face zings red again and his eyes lower. I draw away. Maybe that was a little too much. I don’t want to scare him off with over-zealous hugs, not when things are back on track.

‘Catch you later, Jules,’ he says, walking towards the staffroom, a smile flickering on his lips.

I work on my list of man musts all afternoon, adding things and then changing my mind and crossing them out. This is my list so far:

Thirty-eight sounds ancient to me, but Pandora’s always liked older men. I suspect her Parisian fling was with one of her French fashion lecturers. Pandora has never revealed his identity, even to Dad or Bird. Iris’s skin is olive, Pandora’s is creamy white, so it would make sense that Iris is half French. Personally I think Iris has a right to know who her father is, but there’s no talking to Pandora sometimes.

Pandora spends any free time she has flopped on the sofa in front of the latest DVDs – she loves movies and boxed sets.

I add this more for Iris’s benefit than Pandora’s. Besides, everyone knows guys who like animals can’t be all bad. Then I think about Arietty. She LOVES animals, and she’s more than a bit odd, so I cross this out. Then I change my mind and add it back in. Arietty may be odd, but she seems to have a good heart. Besides, in this case, odd is good – you’d have to be a bit left of centre to fall for Pandora. Then I think, I’m being too fussy, and strike it out again.

This one I leave in. Pandora loves the area, says she never wants to move. And with Shoestring and Iris’s school and everything, a boyfriend in Meath or even Howth might prove difficult in the long term.