The Shoestring Club (40 page)

I break away for a second.

‘Move your seat back,’ I say urgently.

He looks concerned. ‘Jules, you don’t have to do this. I know you don’t feel the same way about me as I do about you. It’s OK, you don’t have to pretend.’

I start to giggle, which turns into full on bubbling laughter. ‘Jamie Clear, as strange as it may sound, I think I may fancy the ass off you. Now move the bloody seat so I can ravish you properly, and then shut up and kiss me.’

The following morning at eleven my mobile rings, waking me up. I open my eyes and reach for it.

‘Hello?’

‘Sorry, Jules, did I wake you? I know it’s early.’ It’s Danny. For a second I’m completely flummoxed. He’s never rung me before. Clara must have given him my number.

‘No, no, it’s fine. Just give me one second.’ I sit up. I expect to feel horrible, but I feel remarkably OK, considering. And I don’t remember waking up once during the night, which is a novelty. In fact I feel quite refreshed, borderline chipper. My lips feel a little swollen, but that’s not surprising. I touch my finger to them and smile to myself. Jamie. Last night he was concerned that I’d wake up and think I’d made a terrible mistake, but he was wrong.

‘Is anything wrong?’ I ask. ‘Is it Clara?’

‘No, no, she’s fine. Good in fact. I just wanted to let you know that I had words with Noel. He’s agreed to leave RTÉ and find a job in London, something outside the radio sector altogether; finance maybe. He has to let me know where he’s living and working, and check in with me once a week.’

‘Like a parole officer?’

‘Exactly. And if he so much as sneezes at a woman again, so help me God he won’t know what’s hit him. That way you and Clara won’t be dragged though any kind of industrial tribunals or the courts or anything. Clara isn’t keen on taking the legal route, wants him out of the country as quickly as possible. Unless
you
want to take him to court?’

‘No,’ I say. ‘I don’t think that would achieve anything. But Clara can go back to work now, yes?’

‘One hundred per cent. In fact, if I can persuade the powers that be, I’d like her to be my new producer.’

‘You’d be lucky to have her.’

He laughs. ‘I know. I rang some of my colleagues for advice and they all had nothing but praise, said they’d make her producer in a heartbeat. She’s been helping them out with ideas and contacts for years. Sounds like I’ve been totally underestimating her. I’ve already talked to her about it, and she’s considering it. But I hope she’ll say yes.’

‘And Ed?’

There’s a pause. ‘I left the reception early. Clara and I both think he’ll do very well on another show. We want to build a new team and I’m going to make sure she gets the chance to pick her own researchers, people she trusts. I know she’s hoping to talk to you later, Jules. Put in a good word for me, will you? The show really needs her.’

‘The
show
?’ I say archly.

‘Ah, feck it, you’re right,
I
need her. She’s amazing.’

So Danny has finally seen through Ed and realized how lucky he is to have Clara. No doubt Ed will put some spin on his move, making it sound like a promotion, but the radio world is very small and people talk. I wonder what will happen to him? I feel sorry for Lainey, she deserves better. But she chose Ed, for better or for worse.

‘Don’t worry, I will,’ I tell Danny. ‘You and Clara will make a great team.’

As I click off my mobile, I smile to myself. Strange how things turn out. I’d always thought Danny was a bit of a plonker, but I guess I’ve called him wrong.

Bird comes into my room. ‘You’re awake. About time.’ She pulls back my curtains and opens the shutters halfway. Then she sits down on the end of my bed. ‘So how was the wedding, Jules? You got in later than I’d expected.’

Jamie had dropped me home. We’d talked, laughed and kissed for hours, catching up on six years of joint memories, both good and bad. Then we’d bought chips in Borzas in Dalkey and sat on the wall overlooking Dalkey Island, talking some more. I started yawning at eleven and Jamie insisted on dropping me home.

‘I’m fine, Jamie,’ I’d protested.

‘Jules, your eyes are drooping and you fell asleep kissing me a few minutes ago.’

‘Only because my eyes were closed. I’ll keep them open this time.’

He laughed. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow, Jules.’

‘Promise?’

He stroked my cheek and smiled. ‘Promise. And the next day, and the day after that. I’m not going anywhere. Not without you anyway.’

‘How did it go?’ Bird asks again.

‘It actually went OK. I didn’t disgrace myself and Declan was charming as always.’

Bird smiles. ‘I do like Declan and I’m glad you had a plus one. Was it painful my darling, seeing them at the altar, exchanging their vows?’

I shrug. ‘A bit. But honestly, I’m all right, Bird. I’ll survive. And I can put the whole Ed and Lainey thing behind me now, move on with my life.’

She looks at me curiously. ‘You’re taking it very well, I must say. Is the counselling helping? What did you talk about exactly, Boolie? I haven’t had a chance to ask you yet. Ed obviously?’

‘Not really.’

‘What then? Family things?’

‘Did they like the dress?’ Pandora walks into the room, interrupting us.

‘Hello, this isn’t Grand Central Station,’ I say. ‘I’m still in my pyjamas. All we need is Dad now.’

Pandora chuckles. ‘In fact I think he’s on his way up to give you breakfast in bed. Unless the full Irish he’s cooking is for Bird. It’s not for Iris, she’s at a soccer tournament. I hope her team wins this time, she was in a right snot after the last defeat.’

I grab another pillow and put it behind my back. ‘Great. I think I’ll just stay here all day. Any chance one of you could bring the telly up?’

Bird sniffs. ‘I don’t believe in watching television in bed, Julia. You know that. Rots the brain.’

Pandora and I swap a look. She rolls her eyes and I giggle.

Dad walks through the door, holding a tray. I get a waft of bacon and my mouth starts watering. ‘Thanks, Dad, I’m starving.’

I wolf down the food while the others chat about Iris and her competitive streak.

The atmosphere suddenly changes when Pandora says, ‘This reminds me of when Mum was sick. We all used to sit on her bed every evening, to keep her company while she tried to eat something. She called it “Schuster Time”.’

Bird pats Pandora’s hand and nods. ‘That’s right. She loved having her family all around her. Jules used to show her little pictures she’d drawn at school and you brushed her hair, very gently.’

Bird looks at Dad. ‘They were happy times, weren’t they, Greg?’

Dad doesn’t respond, not even a nod.

After a moment he says, ‘Finished, Jules?’

‘Yes, thanks,’ I say.

He stands up and takes the tray away. He’s about to walk out of the room when I add, ‘Stay, Dad. I haven’t seen you all week.’

He looks at me. His eyes are sad. ‘I need to wash up.’

‘Please, Dad?’

He stands there, tray still in his hands.

‘Greg, come back and join us.’ Bird pats the bed beside her.

He puts the tray on my dressing table and sits down.

No one says anything for a second and it begins to feel awkward so I pipe up, ‘Anne’s nice.’

‘Who’s Anne, darling?’ Bird asks.

‘My counsellor. We talked about all kinds of things. I cried a lot of course, but she said that was normal, everyone bawls apparently, especially at the first session.’ My heart is thumping in my chest but I make myself continue. ‘She told me I should try talking to all of you, about my birthday and Mum dying and—’

Dad stands up abruptly. ‘I’m sorry, I can’t do this. I’ll be downstairs if you need me.’

‘Sit down right now,’ Bird says firmly. ‘You’ve been running away from this for years, Greg. The girls need to be able to talk about Kirsten. And we need to listen. It’s our duty. So sit. Boolie’s trying to tell us something.’

I look at Bird and there’s a softness in her eyes I’ve never seen before. ‘Go on, darling,’ she says to me.

Pandora reaches over and holds my hand, her skin warm against mine. From the way her mouth is twisted, I can tell she’s biting her cheek, trying to stop herself crying.

‘Greg?’ Bird says, staring at him. ‘You want to hear what Boolie has to say, don’t you?’

He nods and says, ‘Yes, of course,’ in a low voice, but he can’t meet my eyes.

Pandora squeezes my hand gently. ‘Tell us, Boolie.’

I start, my voice shaking with nerves. ‘I woke up early that day, nobody was awake. So I went into Mum. I knew I wasn’t supposed to, and I wouldn’t have woken her up or anything, but her eyes were open and I so wanted to talk to her. She told me all about her own ninth birthday. Then she said that she felt tired and that she wanted to go to heaven, it was time. And I told her if it would make her feel better, she could go. She sang me “Three Little Swallows” and afterwards her breathing went all funny.’

I stop and blink back my tears. ‘Then . . . then . . . I hugged her and she . . . she . . .’ I’m crying so much I have to stop. After a few moments I add in a tiny voice, ‘I tired her out. It was my fault she died.’

‘Oh, Boolie,’ Pandora says, still holding my hand firmly. ‘No it wasn’t. She had cancer.’

Tears are rolling down both Bird and Pandora’s faces but it’s Dad I’m worried about. I look at him. He’s hunched over, his face buried in his hands.

‘I’m so sorry Dad,’ I say. ‘I’m so sorry. You should have had more time with her.’

He lifts his head. I expected sparks of anger or at the very least disappointment, but he looks distraught.

‘I’m the one who should be sorry,’ he says. ‘For years I’ve been beating myself up for not being there when Kirsten took her last breath, but towards the end I just couldn’t . . . I had to have some distance . . . it was all too much. I should have been there with her all the time. You and Pandora and Bird, you were the strong ones. I failed you all. Your mum loved you and Pandora with all her being. Towards the end she was really suffering, and I’ve worried so much that she was in pain when she went. You can’t begin to understand how happy I am that you were there with her. It’s like a weight being lifted off my shoulders. I’m so sorry it had to be you, pet, and on your birthday too. You gave your mum the most precious gift, your total and absolute love. And I can’t believe you’ve carried this all your life, alone. You’re the bravest of all of us, do you understand that? You’ve carried us all these years with your good humour and yes, your mad antics. I know your mum is still looking out for you both. And she must be so proud of you too.’

Jamie and Anne were right. Dad isn’t angry with me and I didn’t ruin everything. Suddenly my heart feels as light and as free as a bird.

‘I know we were young,’ Pandora tells him. ‘But we did understand, Dad. Mum always said what you two had was true love. We knew you were sad because you loved her so much.’

‘Thank you,’ Dad whispers, giving Pandora a small smile.

‘And you certainly didn’t fail any of us, Greg,’ Bird says gently. ‘Pandora’s right, what you and Kirsten had was special, you were so close, like two peas in a pod. You couldn’t bear the thought of losing her, so you just shut down. But you’ve been an incredible father to the girls over the years, and I couldn’t have asked for a better son-in-law.’

Dad nods, unable to say anything. Since the day Mum died he’s never shed a tear, but he’s certainly crying now. He wipes his eyes on his sleeve.

‘And all these years we thought we were minding you, Boolie,’ Bird says thoughtfully. ‘But in reality, you were minding us. Funny how life works out, isn’t it?’

Bird leans forward, joins the group hug for a moment, then pulls away. ‘But we do have a business to run, my darlings. And much as I adore Klaudia she does rather scare the customers. I’ll pop in and hold the fort. And there’s no rush, girls. Spend some time with your dad first. See you all for family dinner this evening, yes?’ She stands up.

‘Yes, Bird!’ Pandora and I chorus as she leaves the room, and then we both collapse into giggles. I think it’s all the emotion, it always gets to us. Dad is seeing Bird out but has promised to come straight back up.

Crying and laughing at the same time, I look at Pandora and she looks back at me.

‘Boolie?’ she says.

‘Yes, sis?’

‘I’m sorry I wasn’t with you. On your birthday. With mum.’

‘Me too,’ I say. ‘And I’m sorry I didn’t go and get you. I should have shared her with you.’

‘That’s OK. I don’t think I would have coped, seeing her die in front of my eyes, it would have upset me too much. There was a reason you were with Mum that morning, Boolie, and not me or Dad. Even Bird was in bits, Mum was her baby. Dad’s right, you’re stronger than any of us, you were meant to be there. And I’m sorry I haven’t always been a good sister to you.’

‘Are you kidding?’ I say, genuinely taken aback. ‘You’ve always been extraordinary.’ I smile. ‘Bossy, yes, but extraordinary. And I’m sorry for pushing you away for so many years. It was my loss, I see that now.’