Authors: Sue Brown
“You’re not sixteen anymore,” he says. “It’s different now.”
“Now I’m eighteen I’m treated as an adult, but it’s all about the programs. They can’t put me in the system, but it’s still doing what they want rather than what I want.”
He sniffles again. “Wouldn’t that be better than letting some old perv stick his knob in you for a tenner?”
“I charge more than that,” I say, offended.
“I’d pay you to fuck me,” Harry says. “I could pay you instead and then you wouldn’t have to get fucked by people you didn’t like.”
I’m so shocked, and horrified, I let him go. “I’m not going to charge you to fuck me.”
“Why not? You let other men.”
“You’re not other men. I lo… care about you!” I stumble over my words, but fortunately he doesn’t seem to notice.
“I don’t see the difference.”
I pull him close again. “There is a huge difference between what I let them do to me, and what I want to show you. You deserve someone like you. Not a… slut like me.”
“Fuck, I don’t understand.” He drags me in for a kiss.
I know Harry doesn’t understand and that’s part of the problem. He’s too young to appreciate that I can separate what I do to survive from what
I
want to do. I give up and let him kiss me. The playfulness and teasing has vanished and now it’s just clumsy desperation. His teeth graze my lip painfully as he presses even closer. I let him control the kiss for a moment, and then I take over, gentling the kiss, coaxing him to softer movements. It seems to work. Harry relaxes his hands, which have been clutching my back, and his mouth slackens under mine.
When we pull back for air, he grabs me by the hair and holds my head in place almost painfully. “Don’t you dare fuck anyone else while you’re with me.” He’s fierce, demanding that I give him what he wants.
I close my hands around his wrists. “I can’t make those sorts of promises,” I say gently. “I will always keep you safe. That promise I can make.”
“By not fucking me?” he asks bitterly.
“By taking things slowly and always using a rubber.”
“You promise you will fuck me soon.”
I nod. Soon is a moveable target. He just doesn’t need to know that.
Chapter Five
L
IL
is sick. It doesn’t take a doctor to work that out. She spends most of her days lying on the cushions in the bay window, her faithful shadow stroking her hand. Billy tells me she has breast cancer, which has spread to her brain and her bones. Inoperable and so advanced there is little point trying any treatment. “All they can do is make her comfortable,” he says. Lil smiles at him when he says that. She’s fine as long as he’s there by her side.
I see the way the doctor tries to manage her pain. It seems to get worse every day, and the doctor makes gentle suggestions that she should be moved to a hospice for respite care “until the pain eases.” Lil is adamant that she wants to stay with Billy at the shelter. Billy just wants whatever Lil wants. I know at some point Greg is going to have to insist Lil be admitted to the hospital or the hospice. The shelter isn’t organized for intensive nursing. Greg is trying to arrange for Billy to stay with Lil until the end, but both of them are fighting any idea of transferring her to the hospital. I think they know she won’t come back.
Midway through November, I come into the shelter to find the window seat empty. I’m not surprised. Lil has barely been conscious the last couple of days.
Ben catches my gaze. “She’s gone to the hospice.”
I nod. Billy had finally agreed Greg and Ben could make the arrangements to get Lil transferred to the hospice, with Billy, when the time came. “Does she need anything?” I ask.
Ben shakes his head. “She won’t last the night.”
“What about Billy? Will he come back here?”
“I doubt it.”
I did too. Billy’s whole life had been tied up with Lil. He wouldn’t want to come back to the place where they had been happy together.
The next day, Harry comes to find me. I’m still wrapped up in my blankets and the sleeping bag he provided. I haven’t moved all day, not even to go to breakfast.
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
Harry doesn’t bother talking. He takes off his coat and crawls under my blankets and wraps himself around me. It’s drizzling, but with the brick wall and the thick canopy of evergreen leaves as protection, it isn’t too bad in my shelter.
I lean back against him, snuggle as close as I can. I haven’t cried—at all—even though the news came that Lil had died around 5:00 p.m. But being in Harry’s arms loosens the knot of grief inside me, and for a few minutes I weep for the loss of a friend. Harry doesn’t say anything. He holds me close and kisses me occasionally. When the tears finally end, he waits for a while and then hands me a wrapped package. A cheese and pickle sandwich. Despite my continuing efforts to get him to stop, Harry keeps feeding me. He has stopped feeding me junk food every day. The sandwich is his idea of healthy food. The flask of chicken soup is even more welcome.
“Lil?” Harry asks eventually. He knew the end was close.
“Yeah. Yesterday afternoon.” I use the flask cup to warm my hands.
“I’m sorry, Danny.” Harry strokes my arm. It’s too close to the way Billy caressed Lil, and I almost pull away.
“Me too.”
“What’s happened to Billy?”
“I don’t know. By the time I left, we’d only just got the news.”
“You can find out when you go for a meal.”
I turn away. “I don’t think I’ll go today.”
“Why not?”
“Just don’t feel like it. It would seem odd without her.”
“I think everyone will be feeling the same,” Harry says.
“Yeah.” I can’t deal with everyone. I just want to sleep and forget the world exists for a while.
H
ARRY
says nothing more for a while. The rain gets heavier and seeps through the canopy of leaves. He looks up as raindrops run down his face. “It’s going to rain all night.”
“Yeah?” I don’t pay much attention to the weather. I’m either wet, or cold, or both.
“Wait here.” Harry suddenly disappears. I wonder where he thinks I’m going to go. I pour the last of the soup, realizing I’m still hungry. I’m getting used to three meals a day. I’m getting soft.
I’ve no idea how long he’s gone, but by the time Harry comes back, I’ve bedded down for the evening with as many layers over me as I can to shelter from the weather.
“Come on,” he says.
I frown. “Where to?”
“My house. Mum says you can come round for the evening to warm up and she’ll cook us both dinner.”
My heart sinks at his excitement. “No, thanks.”
Harry frowns, his excitement dimming. “Why not?”
“I don’t need looking after. Lil died. So what? I just need to sleep.”
“Are you being a twat again? Yeah, I want to see you out of the rain for a few hours. If you won’t go to the shelter, then come home with me. You can get cold and miserable later. At least have something to eat.”
“I’m fine here,” I say stubbornly.
“And you’ll be even better at my house.”
“I said I’m fine.” My voice rises in anger.
Harry scowls at me. “You’re coming home with me. Mum knows about you. She knows you’re homeless, and, yeah, she’s worried about my friendship with you, but she also knows you saved me from Joe and George.”
“She won’t want me in her house, then.” I latch on to the one part of the conversation that makes sense.
“Fucking hell, why are you such a stubborn git? Get off your butt now.”
I try to out-glare him but I’m not winning this battle, and before I know it, I’m being dragged along to Harry’s home.
It’s a semidetached on one of the streets near the park. His home is bigger than the one I grew up in, but not so much it makes me feel inadequate. No, what makes me feel totally inadequate is the look Harry’s mum gives me when we walk in the door. I’m used to distaste from the general public, but Mrs. Cooper has an additional worry—that I’m corrupting her son.
Harry doesn’t seem to notice. “Mum, this is Danny. Danny, this is my mum.”
“Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Cooper,” I say awkwardly as I drip on her doormat.
“Danny,” she says, and then she seems to look at me a little closer. “How old are you, Danny?”
Harry leaps in before I can speak. “Eighteen. I told you that already.”
I frown at Harry. “Nearly nineteen.” Only just over a month to go to another birthday I won’t celebrate.
“Just a baby,” she mutters. At least I think that’s what she says. “Harry, take Danny upstairs and show him where the bathroom is. I bet you could do with a hot shower. You can lend him some of your clothes. I’ll put dinner on for you both.”
I open my mouth to protest but then shut it again. To her I probably look disgustingly filthy, although Harry would know how much effort I’ve made to keep clean since we’ve been kissing.
Harry whoops for some reason and grabs hold of my hand. His mum looks at our joined hands and I wait for her to lose it, but for some reason her face softens, and she smiles at me. I follow him up the stairs and then into the bathroom.
“Here’s a towel, and if you give me your clothes, I’ll get them washed for you.” He leans forward and turns on the shower. “It’s nothing special, but you should be able to warm up. I’ll go in after you because I’m cold as well.”
Harry stands looking at me expectantly. I raise an eyebrow. “Are you waiting for me to get undressed?”
He flushes immediately. “I… sorry… I didn’t think. I… just throw the clothes outside the door.” He backs out.
I snicker quietly. I would have stripped if he’d made an issue of it. The shower is amazing, and there’s no one yelling at me to stop wasting the hot water. I take advantage of the shower gel and shampoo, although nothing can get rid of the tangles in my hair. I don’t linger too long although I could have stayed in there for an hour.
When I open the bathroom door, unsure what I’m supposed to wear, there’s a pile of clothes just outside. There’s also a Harry, who is sitting, waiting for me. “You could have stayed in longer,” he says as he hands me the clothes.
“That’s okay,” I say. Suddenly I feel exposed. I’m wrapped in a towel, but Harry is staring at me hungrily, his gaze trailing over my body. Even with the extra food Harry’s been feeding me, I’m still very thin.
“Harry, does Danny like broccoli?”
His mother’s shout breaks the eye contact between us, which I’m really grateful for, because another minute and Harry and I will be breaking all the rules.
He looks at me inquiringly. I shrug, not sure why she didn’t ask me herself. I’ll eat broccoli if I have to.
“Yeah!” he yells.
Before we go back to the eye-fucking, he points me in the direction of his bedroom. “Get dressed while I have a shower.”
His bedroom is large and covered in books. The boy has more books in his bedroom than I’ve read in my entire life. I get dressed quickly, sure I’m going to look ridiculous. I’m shocked to discover the joggers fit me. I realize in the few months I’ve known Harry, he’s grown at least four inches. He’s almost my height. I just hadn’t noticed.
I drape the damp towel over his desk chair, and then sit down on Harry’s bed to wait for him. It’s an odd feeling. Harry is the age I was when I was kicked out, and his bedroom could have been mine… except for the books. Again, the loss I try to keep buried deep kicks me in the gut. I look through the stack of textbooks on his desk. This should have been me.
Harry comes in with a big smile on his face. “That’s better. Fuck, I was cold.”
My mouth drops open when he strips off his towel and reaches for his clothes. He’s not as confident as he’s trying to appear, and his hands shake. Harry is lean, rather than skinny like me, without much body hair. I make sure he sees me checking him out—fully—figuring that’s what he wants. He’s gorgeous and I make sure he knows it. Harry blushes, but I can see the pleasure in his face as he gets dressed.
“Boys! Dinner!”
We both jump at his mother’s yell, and Harry throws on a hoodie as quickly as he can. I laugh outright when he gets his arms tangled up and has to struggle to pull it down. He growls at me and I laugh again.
His mum lets us sit in front of the TV to eat our dinner. Harry makes me watch
Hollyoaks
, which I hate, but I’d have watched anything just to relax in front of the TV again. It’s going to be hard to go back out into the cold night again. Perhaps Harry’s mum has some more cardboard I could use.
When we’re finished eating, Harry curls up in my arms to finish the episode. Mrs. Cooper raises her eyebrows at the way we’re sitting, but she doesn’t comment. Harry has no idea how lucky he is.
As she takes the plates away, Mrs. Cooper says, “I’m going out. I’ll be back by eleven. You won’t be here, Danny, okay?”
“Yes, ma’am,” I say promptly, and she nods approvingly.
Harry looks like he’s going to protest, but he shuts up when I elbow him in the ribs. When she’s gone—off to see some friend or other—he turns to me.
“Well?”
Confused, I frown. “Well, what?”
“We’re here—alone—and it’s warm and dry.”
Oh.
My mouth goes dry. “Do you think we should? What happens if your mum comes back?”
“She’s out for the evening. She won’t be back.” Harry straddles my lap and looks at me expectantly. “Danny, do you want to fuck me or not?”
I grip his thighs. “I’m not going to fuck you, but I’d like to blow you.”
He shudders. “Yeah,” he says hoarsely, and he clambers off my lap. “Where do you want me?”
“Have you got a rubber?”
“Yes, but, I haven’t… you know….”
I press a kiss into his stomach. “I know, but I haven’t been checked out. I might even have something like a mouth infection. I’m not risking your health.”
“We’re going to get you tested,” Harry insists as he leaves the room.
He’s back in seconds with a condom and lube. “How…?”
I hold out my hand. “Come here.”
I undo his fly and push down his jeans and boxers. Harry is hard, his cock slapping against his stomach. His prick is thick, the tip glistening already. Fuck, I’d like to take him in my mouth and swallow him whole, but I promised to keep him safe. I rip open the condom packet, and Harry moans as I smooth the rubber down his cock. He clutches my hair painfully.