Authors: Sue Brown
Harry looks mutinous but she stares him down.
I touch Harry’s arm. “Do your homework and I’ll read or watch TV.”
“You can play on the PlayStation if you want,” Harry suggests, but I see the look on Mrs. Cooper’s face.
“Another time,” I say.
He nods and gets out his schoolbooks. I start watching some crappy drama, but I doze off before the end. I only wake up when I feel a kiss on my cheek. “Come on, you. Let’s go to bed.”
I yawn as I sit up. The clock tells me I’ve been asleep for over an hour and it’s nearly nine o’clock. “I’m sorry,” I say to Harry’s mum. She is sitting in the corner reading the
Daily Mail
. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”
“She dozed off too,” Harry crows.
Mrs. Cooper scowls at her son. “You can shut your mouth. I didn’t fall asleep. I just shut my eyes for a minute.”
“More like half an hour.”
He grins at his mother’s glare. It’s nice and normal, and makes me feel relaxed being with them.
Harry leads me upstairs after we both say good night. Outside the bathroom door, he hands me a blue toothbrush.
I take it and look at him curiously. “What’s this for?”
“It’s a toothbrush.”
“No shit, Sherlock. Why are you giving it to me?”
“So you can keep one here, and not worry that you’ve got bad breath. No excuses!”
I bite my lip. My toothbrush is in my pocket. I wasn’t going to leave it where someone could nick it. When I’ve used the bathroom, I find him waiting for me in the guest bedroom… in the bed… in his pajamas.
I shut the door hurriedly. “Harry… your mum… she’ll kill us… me!”
“Not if we’re quick. You missed out, remember?” He gives me a filthy, wicked grin.
My cock doesn’t know whether to hide or point straight to Harry. I’m eighteen. It makes up its own mind.
“Fuck.” That’s all I can manage as I lie down next to him in the small bed.
“I wish.” Harry kisses me, soft and gentle, as we lay together in the bed. He reaches up to stroke my cheek, and I try not to flinch. It’s hard to explain I find it hard to be touched, even by Harry. Since I left home, the only people who have touched me have been nurses or johns.
Not knowing what is passing through my mind, Harry slips his hand into my borrowed boxers and cradles my cock. I push forward into his grasp.
“Do it,” I whisper. “Just do it.”
He does, hesitantly at first and then with more confidence, fisting my shaft until my toes are curling and I’m reaching for more. Harry pulls me forward with his free hand, and I bury my head in his neck as he strokes me harder. He pulls my climax from me until I’m sobbing quietly into his shoulder, and then he strokes me through each pulse. A sixteen-year-old kid reduces me to this, a messy, quivering wreck in his arms.
He cleans me up and then climbs back into bed and snuggles up against me until I wrap my arms around him.
“I thought you were going to your own bed,” I say, happy to have him there, warm and comforting, but worried about his mum suddenly appearing.
“I asked her not to come up for an hour.”
“You did what?”
“Asked her not to come upstairs for an hour ’cause I wanted to say good night to you properly.”
“And she agreed?” I squeak in amazement.
Harry nods against my chest, the strands of his long hair tickling me. “My mum’s awesome, huh?”
She’s more than awesome. “Why is she so cool about me? You’ve brought home a boy, and more than that, a homeless kid, and you’ve told your mum you’re having sex.”
Harry doesn’t answer immediately. I start to worry and then he says quietly, “I told her that you’d refused to have sex with me straight away.”
“Oh?” I wasn’t sure what to say.
“She knows you stopped me from getting stabbed or worse, that although you’re homeless you don’t take drugs or drink. You were polite to her and didn’t expect to be invited back. She knows you take care of me by not rushing things and by being careful. Christ, Danny, some of the skanky mares at school screw around without any protection, and the boys just use them. I’ve chased one boy and he takes care of me by saying no.”
“Why is she so cool about you being gay?”
“Her brother was gay. He died of AIDS complications about ten years ago. When she found out about me, she was scared for me, and then you come along and look after me. You walk on water as far as she’s concerned.”
I process this for a moment. “I envy you so much.” The words get caught in my throat.
Harry shifts so now it’s me wrapped in his arms. “I hate your mum and dad,” he whispers, “but if they hadn’t hurt you, I’d never have met you.”
That’s true. I think of how my life would have been, and wonder if, just maybe, I’m a little lucky after all.
Chapter Seven
I
DON
’
T
really need to visit the drop-in center for breakfast, but because Harry’s at school and the weather isn’t great, I have nowhere else to hang out. Ben is behind the counter when I walk in, pouring tea into a mug for Old Johnnie.
Johnnie takes his mug and retreats to the window seat, grunting a greeting when he sees me.
I smile and make my way over to Ben to say hello. He doesn’t return my greeting, and when I look closely I can see he’s been crying. “Ben? Are you okay?”
He sniffs loudly. “We got some news about Billy.”
I have a sick feeling in my stomach. “What’s happened to him?”
“They found him near the railway line this morning.”
“He got hit by a train?”
Ben shakes his head. “The transport police think he was more likely electrocuted by the rails. Billy was drunk. One of the police dealing with the case recognized him as one of ours.”
I blink back the tears. I liked Billy. He’d been a friend from the time I arrived in town. It was he who showed me where to find cardboard to pad out the beds and where to find thrown-out food we could eat when we had no money.
“Hey, drink this and sit down. You look like you’re going to pass out, kid.”
Normally I’d have glared at him for calling me kid, but I’m still in shock. Ben hands me a hot chocolate and I take it over to the chair by the radiator.
I can’t believe he’s gone, but I’m not surprised. Billy was only a few years older than me. He’d always been happy, but once Lil died, so did his happiness. I sip the chocolate, making it last. I’m short of money now. I’ve not
earned
any since my relationship with Harry got more intense. I’m going to have to separate out our lives if I’m going to keep eating. I can’t rely on Harry to feed me. He does feed me, every day. But what happens if one day he doesn’t? Then I’m like Billy. Screwed. Billy was a good man and now he’s gone because he was too dependent on Lil.
I’m deep in thought and don’t see Ben sit down in the chair next to me.
“Greg tells me you’ve got a boyfriend.”
I shake my head. “No, not a boyfriend.”
Ben looks confused. “So you’re not seeing a guy?”
“I am, I was, but not now. Not after what’s happened to Billy.”
“What’s Billy got to do with you and this other boy? What’s his name?”
“Harry,” I say absently.
“So what’s Billy’s accident got to do with you and Harry?”
I look over to him. “Don’t you see? Billy got dependent on Lil, and now they’re both gone. What happens if I get dependent on Harry and then he leaves? He’s been feeding me and bringing me clothes. I’ve spent two nights at his house. What happens when that all goes wrong and I’m left with nothing?”
Ben looks startled. “I didn’t realize you were that involved with him. It’s not the same, though. Lil and Billy both had learning difficulties. They were both homeless. If we’d been sensible, we’d never have allowed them to get so close. Harry lives at home. How old is he?”
“Sixteen.”
“He’s a kid?” Ben makes it sound as if I’ve been molesting a child.
“I’m eighteen,” I remind him. I draw up my legs to my chest and hug myself defensively.
He sighs. “I know. It’s just… you are nothing like a normal eighteen-year-old.”
“Thanks for reminding me I’m not normal. What gave it away? Is it that I’m queer?”
“You know that’s not what I mean.”
“What do you mean, then?” I’m not going to make it easy for him, even if I am thinking the same things he is.
“Does Harry know about you?”
I stare at Ben incredulously. “Of course he does. How the hell can I hide it? I can’t take him home to Mummy.”
He studies me carefully. “You’ve changed over the past few weeks. Apart from your hair, you don’t look like a bum. You’re clean and you’ve put on weight.”
“That’s because he’s been feeding me and I’m wearing his clothes. He knows where I sleep. We’ve been friends for months, and no, I haven’t fucked him, and yes, we’ve used condoms to blow each other. Satisfied?”
Ben nods. He doesn’t look embarrassed at my answers. I guess it takes more than a snarky answer about sex to embarrass a nurse. “And you’ve slept at his house?”
“Yeah, and I’ve met his mum.”
Suddenly he breaks into a large smile. “That’s great, Danny.”
I look down into my mug. “Yeah, I guess.”
“You don’t think it’s great?”
“Of course I do, but it’s going to go wrong and I’m gonna be the one that’s hurt, aren’t I? He gets to keep his nice house and his mum, and I go back to sleeping in the park.” I stare into my mug to avoid looking at Ben.
“What makes you think it’s going to go wrong?” Ben sounds confused.
“He’s sixteen. You don’t stay in love with the same person when you’re sixteen. Steve dumped me and he was sixteen. Harry’ll do the same.”
“You know that for a fact?”
I look at him, exasperated. “Kids don’t stay in love,” I repeat.
“Some do.” Ben’s words are so sure I look up. He gives me that regretful look.
I roll my eyes. “
You
have never done anything about it.” The unrequited love for that nurse is hardly the same thing.
Ben sighs. “I know, and I wish it were different.”
“Go and talk to her. Christ, you’ll be dead before you say anything.”
“It’s not that easy.”
My eyes are getting exercise today. “Ben, you’re a nurse. You have your own home. You volunteer at a homeless shelter. What more could a woman want? Stop making excuses.”
“Like you’re doing?” he snaps back.
“Ha fucking ha!”
“Billy and Lil loved each other.”
“And look what happened to them!”
Ben sniffs and I almost feel guilty… almost. “All I’m saying is, don’t give up on love,” he says. “If Harry’s not the one, then there’ll be someone. But you’ve got to get off the streets. Trust me. That’s the first step.”
I shake my head. “If I was going to trust anyone, it would be you and Greg, but trust is stupid.”
He stands and holds his hand out for my mug. “Do you want to end up like Old Johnnie or Liam?”
“I’m not like them. I don’t drink or take drugs.”
“So? Neither do they. They’ve been homeless for so long we can’t help them more than we do. I thought you were different. I thought we had a chance with you.”
Ben walks off before I have a chance to reply. I scowl at his back. He doesn’t know me. He doesn’t know how scared I am. Billy’s death has proved to me that becoming dependent on someone is a bad idea. I told Ben to commit to the nurse, but he’s got the right idea. Trust no one.
I sit in the same seat until it’s dark, long past the time I should meet Harry. Eventually the drop-in shelter closes for the day, and I wander back to my bush. There’s a note tucked in a sleeping bag—a new sleeping bag.
Waited for ages. Come to the house.
I wrap myself up in the sleeping bag, ignoring how hypocritical it is to use the bag, and try to sleep. I miss the warmth and softness of the bed in the guest room. I miss my Harry.
I
SPEND
a fitful night asleep only to wake up and find Harry sitting next to me. Harry missed me the day before. Harry is furious when he discovers I avoided him deliberately, particularly the reason why. Harry doesn’t hesitate to tell me what he thinks of my stuttering explanation.
He sits on the sleeping bag, his face pinched and his eyes blazing at me. “So you spent all day avoiding me because I might split up with you?”
“It’s not that simple.” Almost Ben’s words. I’m glad the nurse is not here to hear me.
“Jesus fucking Christ, Danny, what do I have to do to prove I love you?”
I stare at him, wide-eyed and speechless.
He stares back, pressing his lips into a thin line.
“You love me?” He
loves
me?
“I may be sixteen, but, yeah, I love you. I haven’t spent the past few weeks feeding you because I’m still grateful. And, yeah, it may not last, but so what? Mum and I’ll make sure you’re okay. You won’t get thrown out with nothing again.”
“You’re too young to know what you’re talking about.”
“You’re only two years older than me,” he snaps. “Did you love Steve?”
“I thought I did.”
“Well, I know I love you. And you’re not going to give me that trust bullshit again.”
“I’m scared.”
Harry’s expression softens. “I know. Look, I’ve got to go to school. I’m already late. I’ll meet you back here and we’ll go home, okay?” He leans forward to kiss me, and I can taste the cereal he had for breakfast on his lips.
He backs out of the bush before I have a chance to reply.
Bastard.
I’
M
BACK
,
waiting for him, by three o’clock. I’ve showered and cleaned my teeth at the shelter, and put on the cleanest of my few clothes. I have a change at Harry’s. It’s cold, so I wrap up in the sleeping bag and wait for Harry to arrive.
When he hasn’t arrived by four o’clock, I’m worried. By five, I’m frozen and pissed off. I decide to walk to his house to see if I was mistaken and he meant me to meet him there. When I get to Harry’s house, I can see it’s in darkness, so I sit down on the front doorstep to wait for him or his mum. Neither of them turns up, and by seven, I can hear the church bell chime out the hour, and I’m too cold to stay any longer. I’ve missed dinner and I’m going to go to bed hungry again. Harry didn’t bring any food this morning.