The Social Climber's Bible: A Book of Manners, Practical Tips, and Spiritual Advice forthe Upwardly Mobile (7 page)

When your friendship with your Turtles has given them the newfound self-confidence to bring up the subject of sex (and they will), soften your rejection by telling them you love them like a brother or sister and introduce them to people who like to have sex with Turtles but have no social ambitions of their own. If you do not know anyone who will fit this bill, you can meet them by attending a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting.

Whereas Turtles are slow, unattractive, and reliable rides, Swans, both the male and the female of this subspecies of social transport, are as unpredictable as they are unnaturally beautiful. Swans are usually but not always models, actors, or actresses. Being Swans, i.e., gorgeous, they are invited everywhere—in part because rich and powerful people who throw parties want to have sex with them, but more often simply because Big Fish want to make their friends
think
they have had sex with them. Swans
are sometimes but not always less intelligent and less socially connected than Turtles. But there are exceptions, i.e., “It” girls, who are female Swans with jobs in the fashion industry that don’t pay enough for them to afford to get fatter than a size four.

Swans will be happy to bring someone as average as yourself to a social function, either a) because they are so beautiful they are insecure that they have nothing else to offer, or b) because if they appear to have a date, it’ll be easier for them to say no to their host’s or hostess’s sexual advances without offending them.

But know this about Swans: Yes, it’s fun to ride on such gorgeous backs, but you are not their “date.” They have brought you to the party because if they meet someone who can advance their careers or make them forget the heartbreak of being so beautiful, they can fly off without having to say good-bye and/or inform you that you are being dumped for the night.

Though Swans are not listed in the DSM, many psychiatrists categorize them as borderline personality types. Whether that is fact or vengeful thinking on the part of the members of the medical profession who do not get to ride Swans is open to debate. But implicit in the symbiotic relationship between Swans and social climbers is the unspoken understanding that, though the Swans may hold your hand, grind themselves provocatively against your nether regions on the dance floor, call you Darling, and say they love you, they know you’re a social climber, not a real date.

Due to the fact that they are as lacking in self-esteem as the Turtles, when they are depressed or bored, they might even suggest an unnatural coupling. Resist. The surest way to lose your Swan is to sleep with him or her. Why? Because when you add sex to the equation, Swans will know that you, just like everybody else, want to use them.

E
ven if you scored well enough on our psychological test to indicate that you have a personality ideally suited for Mountaineering, and are fortunate enough to already have met a Swan or a Turtle who is ready, willing, and able to take you somewhere you want to go, before you step out the door we have one final homework assignment for you to complete. The following test will help you determine what rung of the ladder you’re ready to reach for.

1. What’s the first thing you do when you get to a cocktail party where you don’t know anyone?

a) Ask your host to introduce you to someone who might want to sleep with you.

b) Pretend you see a friend across the room and wave to someone you don’t know.

c)
Head to the bar and get bombed to make yourself feel less like a loser.

d) Introduce yourself to someone who is also being ignored.

2. When is it the “right time” to tell a Big Fish you find them sexually attractive?

a) When you can’t pay your rent.

b) After the Big Fish has given you a Ferrari.

c) Never.

d) As soon as the Big Fish tells you they are getting divorced.

3) What is the best way for a nobody to get into the hottest nightclub on the planet?

a) Borrow a couture outfit and offer the doorman/woman a hundred dollars.

b) Shave your head and say the Make-A-Wish Foundation put you on the guest list.

c) Claim you are bringing medication to a celebrity you saw enter previously.

d) Lurk in the gutter and look for underage wealthy Whale spawn and tell the doorman/woman you are their chaperone.

4)
Which of the following will
not
help you make friends with celebrities?

a) A baby cheetah bite.

b) Make him/her paranoid by telling them that their other friends want them to get fat.

c) Knowledge of bowling.

d) Inviting them to your home.

5) Which of the following will help the social climbing golfer get into a WASP country club?

a) Being a scratch golfer and having $100 million.

b) Having a beautiful wife.

c) Looking as if he/she is constipated.

d) Using big words in an interview with the membership committee.

6) Which of the following do you need to know when flying on a private jet?

a) If you are caught bringing drugs on board the Whale’s plane, they will be confiscated.

b) Altitudes in excess of thirty thousand feet produce flatulence in miniature dogs.

c)
If you are the last on board and the flight is full, you will be sitting on a well-upholstered toilet.

d) All of the above.

7) What should the social climber
never
do at a charity dinner?

a) Change the
placemente
when no one is looking.

b) Pay for his or her own ticket.

c) Give the false impression that he or she is on the benefit committee.

d) Eat other people’s lamb chops.

8) Skilled networkers should:

a) Replace their mentors as often as they update their software.

b) Always question the intelligence of a Big Fish who is eager to help them.

c) Not complain if asked to take their bosses’ urine samples to the lab.

d) All of the above.

9) When the yachting set uses the word “burgee,” they are referring to:

a) A guest who is sleeping with the yacht owner while on board.

b)
A guest who likes to sleep with crew members.

c) A small flag that indicates which yacht club the owner is a member of.

d) The enclosed structure at the stern of the ship above the main deck.

10) What is the best way to ingratiate yourself with a wealthy family?

a) Make a good impression on their dogs.

b) Agree with them when they complain about their staff.

c) Volunteer to provide an alibi if one of them gets arrested.

d) Tell them you want to be adopted.

11) Friendship with which of the following will give a social climber the most status?

a) The CEO of a Fortune 500 company.

b) A supermodel with a reputation for promiscuity.

c) The maître d’ at the hottest restaurant in town.

d) The head of admissions at an Ivy League college.

12)
When a social climber is a guest for the weekend, which of the following is socially unforgivable?

a) Clogging the powder room toilet and blaming it on the host’s/hostess’s child.

b) Double-faulting when playing doubles in tennis.

c) Forgetting to tip the maid.

d) Soiling the sheets with bodily fluids other than your own.

Answer Key:
1) b, 2) c, 3) d, 4) d, 5) c, 6) d, 7) b, 8) d, 9) c, 10) a, 11) d, 12) b

A
shrewd social climber looks at a roomful of total strangers with drinks in their hands the way a prospector eyes a mother lode untouched by other gold diggers. Think of those strangers who more than likely will take no notice of your arrival not as people but as opportunities waiting to be mined—every one of them an unwitting accomplice in changing your life.

If you’re nervous, draw strength from the fact that as they size you up and judge you, you are doing the same to them.

Those unsuspecting strangers who are getting tipsy, oblivious to the knowledge that you are mastering the lessons of
The Social Climber’s Bible
—they are the ones who should be nervous, not you.

Cocktail parties are the most cost-effective way for a host to entertain the largest possible number of people in a three- to four-hour time period. Some guests will be old friends of your host. Most will be what we call “obligations,” those your host has included as payback for being allowed to climb at their parties. Others, like yourself, fall into the acquaintance category.

For you, the cocktail party is an audition. Your host is trying you out, in WASP-speak, “sizing up the cut of your jib,” seeing if you bring enough to the table in terms of charm, flattery, ability to make scintillating conversation, witty repartee, and so forth for your host to invest more time in you, that is, invite you to the five-course seated dinner he’s throwing next month to impress a big client, or make the new fiancée think his friend group is more fascinating than it really is.

Regardless of whether the guests you now have to face, the strangers who have crowded into a room to drink alcohol and exchange gossip without the benefit of adequate seating, are standing on wall-to-wall shag or spilling drinks and dropping finger food on eighteenth-century Aubusson carpets, no matter if this cocktail party (what the English refer to as a “drinks party”) takes place in a suburban backyard, the garden of a
country estate, the terrace of an NYC penthouse, or around an infinity pool in LA, the same basic rules apply when it comes to the social climber’s getting the most out of the cocktail party experience.

For the virgin as well as the veteran social climber, it’s always a good idea to remind yourself before leaving home that you aren’t simply getting ready to go to a cocktail party, you’re preparing yourself to step onto the battlefield.

The most successful strategy at a drinks party combines elements of both trench warfare and the hit-and-run techniques of guerrilla fighting. Due to time and space limitations, your maneuvers at most cocktail skirmishes will be confined to a few rooms: living room, den or library, bar area (usually the dining room), and one or two bathrooms, which should be used only for strategic retreat, unless of course you are attending a cocktail party where drugs are being consumed.

The close quarters of a cocktail party can work to your advantage in stalking the Big Fish; it will enable you to rub shoulders without spooking them.

Remember, all it takes is one conquest to change the course of the war you’re waging—to turn an evening of what seems like certain defeat into total victory.

If any or all of the above makes you more nervous, before leaving home have what one well-known social climber described to us as the “Lake Placid moment,” a chemical refuge of serenity
and focus induced by a glass of Sancerre with a Xanax floater. In general, we strongly advise against “pregaming,” or starting the party too early; remember, you have a busy night ahead of you.

Cocktail Party Prep List