The Social Climber's Bible: A Book of Manners, Practical Tips, and Spiritual Advice forthe Upwardly Mobile (8 page)

1. Before leaving home, google your host/hostess so you will know what they will brag about ahead of time.

2. Give yourself a once-over (especially important if you’ve had more than one Lake Placid moment while getting dressed).

3. Check to make sure there is no food in your teeth and that your fly is zipped, unless you are going to the kind of event where this is a good conversation starter.

4. If you intend to take off your underwear in the course of the evening, make sure that the pair that you are wearing does not contain holes and is not stained.

5. Never arrive at the cocktail party less than thirty minutes late (unless you are triply booked).

6. Leave your credit cards at home, so if invited to an impromptu dinner afterward with people you just met you will have a good reason not to pay your share of the bill.

7. Bring your cellphone so you can record the names of Big Fish you meet before you get too drunk to remember them.

When you arrive, never ring the bell or knock; it makes it seem as if you are unsure if you’re wanted. Take a deep breath before opening the door and repeat your mantra, “I CARE ENOUGH ABOUT ME NOT TO BELIEVE ANYTHING
THEY SAY ABOUT ME IS TRUE IF I DON’T WANT IT TO BE. I WILL NOT BE JUDGED.”

Once inside, if in fact you do not know anyone other than your host, do not let your body language reveal you’re an outsider. Stand on tiptoes and look around as if you were trying to spot an old friend. Wave enthusiastically to a total stranger on the other side of the room to make it seem as if you know someone.

A variation of this same basic technique can also be used whenever you are stuck in a conversation with someone who cannot help you and you don’t know how to escape. Take a page from a well-known former nineties “It”-girl-turned-luxury-goods-garmento (who, to avoid litigation, we’ll simply refer to as Meme) who never goes to a party without her imaginary friend Hercules to come to her rescue. How can an imaginary friend help you? When Meme wants to get out of small talk that has no self-promotion potential, i.e., wants to be rude without seeming to be rude, she merely says, “Oh, there’s my friend Hercules. He doesn’t know anyone; you don’t mind if I look after him, do you?”

Before proceeding any farther into the room, check to see if anyone you recognize from those AA meetings, memorial services, art gallery openings, and auctions where you placed bogus bids is present in the room.

If your host is still the only person you know, wait until he or she is talking to at least two interesting-looking people (expensively accessorized or so badly dressed they obviously have to be somebodies for your host not to have been offended by their attire) before interrupting to say hello. Always begin by announcing how fabulous they look and how much you miss and love them.

And remember, when your host or hostess introduces you to these first two strangers (and when meeting anyone else for the first time), never, never say, “It’s a pleasure to meet you.” The graceful social climber always greets a stranger with: “So nice to see you again. . . .”

By giving the illusion that you have met before, you will be that much closer to actually having a genuine friendship. Getting into the strict habit of never acknowledging you haven’t met everyone and anyone will be invaluable in future years when you have more friends than you can keep track of. Why? Because it will also prevent you from falling into the embarrassing trap of saying “So nice to meet you” and being told by the offended party, “I’ve met you a dozen times,” or worse, “We slept together . . .  twice.”

You now know not one but three people. Unless one of these first two people your host has just introduced you to is a major Big Fish, after ten minutes of your best small talk, excuse yourself to go to the bar. Your time is precious; do the math. There are seventy-five other people in the room; the party starts at six, runs to nine. Having arrived thirty minutes late, then spending ten minutes chatting up your host and your two new best friends, you have less than two and a half hours left to make a favorable impression on the remaining seventy-two guests. A word to the wise—even if your day job includes waiting on tables and even if the request is made by a major, major Big Fish, do not waste your time getting anyone a drink unless they are a potential Turtle or Swan. Besides the fact it will put you in a subservient role in any future relationship, your time at this ball is more limited than Cinderella’s.

In fact, take the longest route possible. You are not going to get a drink, you’re on a reconnaissance mission. If no one is talking to you, look busy. Check the messages on your cellphone, or study the negative space of a painting on the wall. While doing this, be on the lookout for groups clustered around single individuals who are holding court—take note of guests hanging on every word of somebody who isn’t saying anything very interesting, laughing at jokes that aren’t funny, particularly if the object of their attention is not physically attractive. The conclusion you should draw is obvious—whoever’s receiving this unwarranted
fawning is a somebody, i.e., somebody you should want to get to know.

If you do not recognize this somebody from the homework you’ve done, loiter around the edge of the adoring throng long enough to catch the somebody’s name. If all you hear is, “Oh, Johnny, you’re such a scream!” and can’t pick up any clues as to who this Johnny is and what makes him such a scream, look for an older person to help you, ideally somebody who is confined to a wheelchair and is also being ignored. Never miss an opportunity to seem more empathetic than you are. Introduce yourself to the oldie, make just enough small talk about their ailments to cheer them up, then work the conversation round to the identity of the mysterious Johnny. Of course, don’t admit to the old person that you’re so uncool that you don’t know who this somebody is, simply say you cannot remember Johnny’s surname.

An equally good and generally undervalued source of information is the child of your host or hostess. If the child knows Johnny’s full name but neither of you know what makes him such a hot ticket, pass on the bar and get yourself and your iPhone directly to the powder room and google the name you’ve just been given.

Having found out who he is and what makes him a Big Fish, return to where Johnny is holding court and volunteer, “I thought your first [movie/play/novel/merger/ad campaign/class action suit/whatever] was beyond brilliant.” Remember to include enough details so they will actually believe you have been following their career for years.

Do not waste time eating hors d’oeuvres, unless that somebody you’ve just googled is cracking wise over the canapés. Do not be so dazzled and distracted by obvious somebodies that you miss out on befriending the seemingly less impressive guests who are, in fact, hidden nuggets of gold. Remember: You are first and foremost a prospector. Experienced social climbers make every party their party by deliberately introducing themselves to every person at the party, just in case there’s what we call a “Sleeper” in the room.

People who look like they work at the Foot Locker often do in fact work as a shoe salesperson. But sometimes they also look that way because they own a global chain of shoe stores, and they just might find you such good company and so seemingly genuine for taking the time to befriend a nebbish such as themselves, that they just might invite you to the Gangnam-style grand opening of their new flagship store in Seoul, South Korea.

Why? Because asking any of the above will indelibly mark you as an obvious social climber. Of course you need to know the answers to these questions before you waste time on someone who can’t help you, but there are much more polite ways to be rude. We have already told you how to avoid asking people directly who they are by consulting geriatrics, children, and Google. A more gracious way of finding out whether a fellow guest lives, say, in a Fifth Avenue penthouse versus a rent-controlled studio in Staten Island is to ask, “Don’t you live in TriBeCa?” Nine times out of ten, regardless of whether they are residents of TriBeCa, the question will prompt them to tell you exactly where they do live.

As to question #3, “What do you do?,” which, after all, really translates into “How much do you make?,” is more tactfully handled by making a supposition: “Aren’t you in finance?” If you are right, they will proceed to tell you what firm they work for and just how big a big shot they are, and if they are not in finance, they will either be flattered or insulted by your false assumption and proceed to tell you exactly what they do do and why you should be impressed.

Determining whether someone is a total waste of time takes time. In all of the interactions mentioned above, maintain eye contact; do not gaze over the shoulder of the person you are talking to to look for an even bigger fish. Yes, you must keep your eyes peeled for a better opportunity, but you don’t want to put off possible Sleepers by making them wonder if you’re looking over their shoulders because you are bored or possibly worried federal marshals are about to burst into the room and arrest you.

At a certain point during every urbane cocktail party, the observant climber will notice a group of middle-aged, well-dressed women standing around glancing at their watches impatiently and looking bored while their Big Fish husbands hold forth and tell stale stories their wives can no longer bear to hear, much less laugh at.

The ignored wives of somebodies are an all too often overlooked opportunity for social advancement. Caution: If you are a straight man paying undue attention to the ignored wife, you will alienate the Big Fish husband. Even if they haven’t slept in the same bed for years, even if the Big Fish has arranged for his
mistress to attend this cocktail party, the Big Fish, being an alpha male, will still be territorial when it comes to straight strangers flattering their missus. But a Big Fish husband is more than happy to see a young woman or gay man chatting up his wife, if for no other reason than it means he won’t have to hear her complain about being ignored all night when they get home.

If you are a gay man or a heterosexual woman, take advantage of any and all opportunities to become new best friends with the long-suffering wife of a powerful man. Invite the wife to lunch, bring her to your gym, take her on a shopping spree in a part of town where she won’t feel entirely safe. Offer to babysit her children for free. Soon, the ignored wife will be inviting you to their house. Because she’s lonely, she’ll make you an honorary member of the family. Xmas presents, free trips, and job opportunities from hubby will follow. The kiddies will start to call you Auntie or Uncle.

Single women or gay men, if so inclined, are then in the perfect position to put a dying marriage out of its misery by running off with the husband and becoming the next spouse of Mr. Big Fish. This is what we call the Bait and Switch technique.

Regardless of whether that technique is for you, by the end of your first cocktail party (if you follow our instructions), you will have made so many new and useful friends that you will very likely be invited to tag along to an impromptu dinner or after-party.

This spur-of-the-moment get-together will undoubtedly be an occasion where more cocktails will be consumed. Because you might very well end up at a nightclub where there will be
still more cocktails, and after getting down with your bad self on the dance floor, you just might be tempted to take a nightcap shot of tequila along with a hit of X, which of course could possibly land you in bed with a person far more socially connected than yourself . . .  we urge you to read the following chapter twice before going to your first cocktail party.

A
t some point in your climb you will be tempted to give your most precious gift, yourself, to a Big Fish for one of three reasons: a) an overwhelming physical attraction (unlikely); b) genuine romantic feelings (also unlikely); c) because you think sex will inspire Mr./Ms./Mrs. Big Fish to be nicer to you and therefore do more to help you move up in the world. Regardless of the nature of your desires, there are certain facts of life that have nothing to do with the birds and the bees that you should know.