That was what I wanted. What was the use of denying it? This sober life in the country was something I was not meant for. Damaris would have enjoyed it. And Damaris had been denied it. How happy she would have been married to Matt and having children.
But I had spoilt that for her. I could so easily spoil Benjie’s life ... but I must not. There was enough on my conscience already.
What should I do?
There were two alternatives. No, three. One would lose me my child, and I was determined that should not be. It was that I should say nothing of this, do nothing... not go to meet him. Refuse to see him until he went away taking Clarissa with him. Another way was to show the note to Benjie and Gregory and Harriet. To let them know that he had Clarissa, who he was, and to have soldiers surround
240
the shrubbery and take him at the time when I was to meet him. He would have to give up Clarissa then and that would be the end of him. That would be the loyal course of action-to Benjie and to my country. The last alternative was to go to the meeting place in secret to see him....
I knew what would happen. He would carry me off, by force if need be. Knowing him, I realised what was in his mind.
I could not return to the house yet. My thoughts were in a turmoil.
How could I let them go on searching frantically for Clarissa when I knew where she was? Yet how could I let them know that she was in the keeping of the Jacobite leader who was a wanted man.
Finally I went back to the house. Benjie put an arm about me. His face was white and strained.
“Where have you been? I was beginning to get anxious about you.”
That was the moment to show him the paper which I had screwed up and put inside the bodice of my gown. My hand went to it. It was the sight of Benjie, who loved me so much, who was such a good man. But the moment passed and I did not mention it. I went on letting them believe that Clarissa was still lost.
So the search went on. I shut myself in my bedroom and wrestled with myself.
How could he have done this? He had no right to take her. But what would be the use of talking to Hessenfield about rights? He knew only one law and that was his own.
What was right would always be what he considered best for him.
An hour passed and still I was undecided.
They were all out searching the district. Jane Farmer was frantic and I almost told her to put her out of her misery.
What folly! How could I?
I had come to a decision. I would go and see him. I would insist on his bringing back the child.
I put on a cloak and went down to the shrubbery. I waited there in the shadow of the trees.
I did not wait long. I was caught from behind and held against him. I heard his low laughter as he pressed his lips against my ear.
“You are mad,” I said. “This could cost you your life. Where is the child?”
“Safe. We are going to France tonight. My mission here is done. I
241have everything I came for... and more. My daughter. I adore her already.”
“Where is she?” I insisted.
“Safe,” he repeated. “Come on. The sooner we’re away the better. I have a notion they are on my trail. We have to get to the coast. I have a horse here to take us.
There is a boat a little way along the coast... at a nice secluded spot.”
“You really are mad. Do you think I am coming with you?”
“Of course you are coming. Don’t waste time.”
I pulled myself away from him. “I came to tell you that...”
He caught me to him laughing and began kissing me.
“That you love me,” he said between kisses.
“Do you think I am as cruel and callous as you are? Do you think I can just walk out on my husband because you have come back?”
“I am more to you than he can ever be. I am the father of our child, remember.”
“I wish I had never met you, Hessenfield,” I said.
“You lie, dear Carlotta. Admit it. That was love, was it not? Do you remember how you refused to betray me? You could have done so now.”
“Yes, I could, and how do you know that I have not? Perhaps a troop of soldiers is waiting to take you now.”
“I was ready to risk that,” he said. “And I’ll tell you why. I didn’t believe it possible. Come, sweetheart, we don’t want to tempt the fates, do we?”
“Where is my daughter? Give her back to me and go and I will tell no one that you have been here.”
He laughed at me. “Your daughter is very happy. We get on very well. She was delighted to come with me.”
“Where is she?”
“At sea,” he said. “Where you and I will be this night. This night, dear Carlotta.
Think of it. There are so many memories. No one can ever be to me what you have been.
Never shall I forget that brief period when we were together, you and I.”
“I cannot go,” I said. “You must understand that.”
He took my arm suddenly; then I was lifted from the ground. My cloak dropped from my shoulders. He was carrying me out of the shrubbery. There at its edge was a horse.
242He put me on the saddle and leapt up beside me.
I am not sure how much I struggled. I did not entirely want to. Hessenfield’s adventurous spirit called to mine but I kept seeing Benjie’s face and I pictured him stricken as he would be if he knew that I had willingly gone away.
It was only a mile or so to the coast. There was a crescent moon which gave out a faint light and I could see the Eyot lying out there on a sea that was as calm as a lake.
He gave a low whistle and I saw a figure appear from the beach. It was a man who had evidently been lurking there.
“All well, sir,” said the man.
“Good,” replied Hessenfield.
He dismounted and lifted me down. The man took the horse and as Hessenfield dragged me over the shingle I heard the horse being ridden away at a gallop.
A small boat was bobbing about on the sea. A man was holding the oars, waiting.
We waded out to it the water up to our waists before reaching it. Hessenfield lifted me in.
“Lose no time,” said Hessenfield.
The man started to row out towards the Eyot. There was silence. Then Hessenfield said: “Faster. They’re on the beach. By God, we were just in time.”
I could see vague figures on the beach. A shot was fired. It narrowly missed the boat.
“We’ll soon be out of range,” said Hessenfield.
“We should have been well away but for your romantic adventures,” said the man.
“I know. But we’re going to be well away in any case. We’re nearly there.” We had rounded the island and I saw the ship.
“Safe!” said Hessenfield.
We came to rest by the side of the ship, a rope ladder was put down, I was sent up first. Hands reached out to drag me in.
Then in a few seconds Hessenfield was standing beside me.
He put his arm about me and laughed.
“Mission accomplished!” he said. “The most successful I ever carried out. We’d better leave at once. Come,” he went on, “you want to see our daughter.”
243She was lying there asleep clutching her shuttlecock. I stooped over her and held her close to me.
She awoke.
“Mamma,” she said.
“Yes, darling...”
She opened her eyes wide.
“I’m on a big ship,” she said. “I’ve got a new father.”
Hessenfield knelt beside us.
“And you’re quite pleased with him, are you not? Tell your mother so.”
“He’s going to give me a new shuttlecock,” she said.
“You haven’t told her you’re pleased with me,” persisted Hessenfield.
She sat up and put her arms about his neck.
“This is his ship,” she said. “He’s going to show me how it sails.”
245Crime Passionnel
I was thrust into an entirely new scene. At the beginning it was so bewildering that I was more or less bemused by it. In the first place I had renewed that extremely demanding, satisfying, exhilarating and incomparable life with Hessenfield. We resumed it as though it had never been interrupted; and although at first I pretended to be outraged. Hessenfield quickly put an end to that and made me admit, if not in actual words, that I was as enchanted with his company as he was with mine.
It was not unalloyed joy, of course, for it could not be quite as it had been on that first occasion. Although I cannot make any great excuses for myself and have to admit that I was secretly delighted to have been abducted, seduced, raped or whatever name I could put to it when I was trying to make a case for myself, I can honestly say that I felt a deep remorse for what I had done to Benjie and I was glad that I had left my cloak in the shrubbery, which would indicate that I had been taken by force. At least he would not believe that I had
246gone willingly; and although his grief would not be assuaged, at least he would not think that I had betrayed him.
Poor Benjie, he had lost both me and Clarissa, and I could not be happy because I must think of him.
The crossing was smooth and in a short time we had reached the coast of France.
Clarissa was excited by everything that was happening and, childlike, accepted this extraordinary adventure as a matter of course. She did ask once when her father and grandfather were coming with Harriet. I said evasively that we should have to wait and see.
“I want to show them my new father,” she said, and the pride in her voice both thrilled and pained me.
We had journeyed across France staying at various inns and it surprised me how well known Hessenfield was. The best rooms were always at his service and now he was travelling, as he said, enfamille he was especially determined on comfort.
The man who had rowed us to the boat travelled with us. He was Sir Henry Campion, a firm and trusted friend, Hessenfield told me. “A loyal Jacobite as you must be now, my darling, since you have joined us.”
I was silent. I wished that I could forget Benjie and the unhappiness I knew he must be feeling. I thought if it was not for Benjie I would be wildly excited now. I wished that I had not married Benjie. If I had been bold and given birth to my child and waited ...
But that was absurd, of course. I had had to act as I did. I think even Hessenfield realised that.
Once he said: “I should never have let you stay. I should have taken you to France with me from the first.”
But Hessenfield was not one to look back. He had a joyous way of living each day as it came along. I doubt he ever felt remorse. There was an enchanting gaiety about him, a devil-may-care attitude. He would be laughing when he died, I was sure.
He was completely captivated by Clarissa. I was surprised that he should care so deeply for a child. But I suppose it was because she was his; she was so charming and she was beautiful. There was a love of adventure in her already, an immense curiosity in everything around her. I could see why any ordinary father should have been proud of
247her but that Hessenfield should have spared the time from all his activities to talk to her gave me infinite pleasure.
We went first to Paris. He had prepared me for what I should find and how we should live. “The Court is at St. Germain-en-Laye. The King inhabits the castle there; and it is conducted just as it would be in England. I am there a good deal but I have a house-called an y^/__in Paris, for much of my work is done there. That is where you and the child will live, but of course as my wife you will be presented to the King and we will go to Court often.”
“As your wife!” I said.
“You are my wife, dear Carlotta. Oh, I know you were unfortunately married to someone else ... but that was in England. We are in France at this time. And you are my lady now. You will have to grow accustomed to being called Lady Hessenfield.”
He took my face in his hands and kissed me.
“I love you, Carlotta. There is that in you which matches something in me. I feel closer to you than I ever have to anyone else. We have our adorable daughter. Thank God, I have you with me.”
I looked into his face. He was serious, not joking now. He really meant what he said and it made me happy. If I could have forgotten Benjie I think I could have been perfectly so.
On another occasion he said: “You are an exile now. You are one of us. Although you have come to us not exactly through your own convictions, you and I belong and my cause must be yours. Our motive is to get back to England. Who wants to be an exile forever? Whenever I go home I have to do so in secret... skulking into my own country like a thief. There is a price on my head. I who have estates in the north of England, where my family have lived like kings. Yes, we are going back one day but not until we have reinstated the rightful King. I would not return to live under the present reign.”
“Indeed,” I reminded him, “you could not. You are branded now as a traitor to the Queen. You would not be allowed to remain.”
“You are right,” he said. “Every time I go... as you see, it is as a conspirator who becomes a fugitive.”
It is a pity,” I said. “Why must you be involved in such matters? Life is good under Anne.”
248
“Feminine logic,” he mocked. “Never mind the righteous cause if we’re comfortable.
No. That won’t do for me, Carlotta. And don’t forget you are one of us.”
“Only because you have forced me to it.”
“Spoken like a good Jacobite,” he mocked. But I could see clearly that he was right.
Whether I liked it or not I should be considered one of them.
I told him I did not care a pennyworth of candy for his Jacobite cause.
“No, but you care for me,” he said. “And I shall have to trust you with many a secret which I shall do without fear because I know that your love for me is as strong as any belief in a cause. We belong together, Carlotta. And so shall it be until death divides us.”
In those rare moments when he was serious-and he was then-he could move me deeply.
I loved him. Yes, I did. His daring, his strength, his essential male qualities struck a chord within me. He was a leader; I could see now that in comparison Beau would have failed to hold me. I had been dazzled by Beau; but I was caught and held firmly by Hessenfield.
If only we had met differently ... if only I could have gone to him as his wife in very truth ... if only I could wipe out the past... not Beau, that did not matter.