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“You did everything you could.”
We had the floor to ourselves. Benjie and I in the room where the General had lain.
It was a strange night. I dreamed of Hessenfield, and even when I was awake I kept fancying that it was he who lay beside me, not Benjie.
The next morning before we left, Harriet and I found ourselves alone together.
“Well?” she said. “What do you think now?”
I was silent and she went on: “That place they took you to must be near here.”
“It was not very far, I suppose.”
“Do you know where?”
“Yes. I discovered when I found my way back to you. It is five miles from Lewes.”
I remembered so clearly then how we had stood there while the horseman looked at us searchingly. I could smell the tang of the sea. I could remember how time seemed to stand still and how Hessenfield had waited on my words. And when I had declared myself for him and the horseman had ridden on, how he had turned to me and held me against him. I had rarely been as happy in my life as I was in that moment.
“I could find it.”
“I’d like to see it,” said Harriet.
“We could hardly go there.”
“I have a plan. Leave it to me.”
The men joined us for breakfast in the inn parlour, and as we were partaking of hot bread and bacon, Harriet said: “I have a friend who lives nearby. I should so like to see her.”
“Could you not do so?” asked Gregory, always ready to indulge her.
“It seems odd to call after so many years without warning her. I could find her place.
I visited it long ago, I remember, when she married. But I should like to look her up ... and surprise her.”
Gregory said: “Let us look in then. It is far out of our way?”
Harriet said it would be a good idea. Then it occurred to her that perhaps it would not be fair for us all to descend upon her. Why should she and I not go alone? We could take one of the grooms with us if they were going to protest, and she knew they would.
“Let us spend another night at the Black Boar. And Carlotta and I
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can go and do our little visiting. You have always said, Gregory, that you like this countryside. Now is the chance for you to explore it.”
Harriet had a gift for making people believe that what she suggested for them was exactly what they wanted for themselves, and the outcome was that later that morning she and I, with a groom in attendance, were riding out along that road which I had been taken on that memorable night.
The smell of the sea was strong that morning. There was a faint breeze which ruffled the waves and set a frothy frill on them where they rose and fell on the sand.
I saw the roof of the house and I was overcome for a moment by the power of my emotions.
“Perhaps there’s no one there,” I said.
“Let’s go and see.”
We rode down the slight incline to the house.
There was a woman in the garden.
“Good day to you,” she said. She had a basket full of roses. She looked so much at home, and when I thoughf of arriving at that mysteriously empty house which at the same time showed obvious signs of recent habitation, I marvelled.
She obviously though we had lost our way and were asking for instructions.
“We have come from the Black Boar,” said Harriet.
She smiled. “And you are not sure of the road. Where do you want to go?”
I said: “Could I have a word with you?” She changed colour slightly. “You must come in,” she said.
We tethered our horses by the mounting block and followed her into the hall which I remembered so well.
“I will send for refreshment,” she said. “I am sure you would like to rest awhile before you continue your journey.” A servant appeared from behind the screens and she said, “Bring wine and cakes, Emily. To the winter parlour.”
And so within ten minutes, during which we had made conversation mainly about the weather and the state of the roads, wine was brought with wine cakes. Then the door was firmly shut and she was looking at us expectantly.
“You have brought a message for me?” she said.
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Harriet was looking at me and I said: “No, there is no message. I was wondering if you could give me some information. I am a friend of Lord Hessenfield.”
She looked alarmed. “All is not well?” she asked.
“I believe nothing to have gone wrong,” I said.
“What we want to know”-Harriet could not stop coming forward, for what she hated was to play what she called a standby role-“is, did he reach his destination safely?”
“You mean ... when he left here?”
“Yes,” I said. “That is what we mean.”
“But that is weeks ago. They had a rough crossing but made it in safety.”
“And they are now with the King?”
She nodded. “You must tell me who you are,” she said.
“Friends of Lord Hessenfield,” said Harriet firmly, and I could see that we had been accepted as workers in the Jacobite cause.
“I was with them when they brought the General here,” I said. “What we should have done without your house I cannot think.”
“It was a small thing to do,” she said. “We ran no risks. We just went away with the servants for a week. That was all.”
“It was our salvation,” I said. “But we must not stay. I just wanted to meet you.”
She filled up the wine and we drank to the King, which meant James the Second, not William the Third. Then we told her we were going back to the Black Boar.
She walked with us to our horses, and as we rode away Harriet said: “Well done, my little Jacobite. I am sure the good lady thinks there is some significance in our visit. As good Jacobites we should have known that Hessenfield is safe at St. Germain-en-Laye.
The lady was a little puzzled, methinks.”
“You certainly think up the wildest things to do. You’re a lady of intrigue.”
“Well, what was that? Just a little exercise in deception of the mildest kind. I wonder how many Jacobites there are in this country, all waiting for the moment, eh? At least we know Hessenfield and his merry men made it safely. They are now at St. Germain planning fresh moves, I’ll warrant.”
I felt a great relief because he was safe.
110Preparing for the birth of a baby was a new and enthralling experience.
As the weeks passed into months I became more and more absorbed by it, and when I was aware of the life within me I thought of little else but the time when my child should be born.
In September, four months after my child’s conception, news was brought to us that King James had died at St. Germain-en-Laye. There was a good deal of talk then and I remember Gregory’s saying that this would not be an end of the Jacobite movement.
James had a son who would be considered the rightful heir.
“Poor James,” said Harriet, “what a sad life he had! His own daughters to turn against him. They say he felt it deeply.”
“He did not want to return to England and to his throne,” said Benjie. “To become a Jesuit as he did meant that he had finished with the world.”
I wondered what effect his death would have on Hessenfield, and I guessed that his efforts would not cease. He had a new pretender to replace the old one, and I wondered then if he would ever come to England and what his feelings would be if he knew I had borne him a child.
James was buried with honours and his body placed in the monasteries of the Benedictines in Paris and his heart sent to the nunnery at Chaillot. Most significant of all Louis the Fourteenth, the French King, had caused the young Prince to be declared King of England, Scotland and Ireland as James the Third.
There was much talk about this and as there were rumours that the health of our King William was not very good a certain speculation was growing up everywhere. Even the servants talked of it and, I believed, took sides.
To show his disapproval William recalled his ambassador from the French Court and ordered the French ambassador to return to France.
The next we heard was that England had entered into an alliance against France. This was called the Grand Alliance; it looked as though war might be imminent. This was not concerned with bringing back James but the Spanish Succession and the threat of war was
112disturbing, but through it all I remained wrapped up in the thoughts of my child.
At Christmas my mother and Leigh came to Eyot Abbass with Damaris.
My mother was very eager to hear how I was and she had brought garments and advice about the baby. She was determined, she said, to stay until my child was born and nothing was going to shift her. She said this almost defiantly, thinking of Harriet, I was sure, which was absurd really for Harriet had no desire to usurp her position as a mother. My mother would never understand Harriet. This ridiculous rivalry had only grown through me, I believed. Before my birth she must have felt much the same towards her as I did since she had gone to her for advice.
We had the usual Christmas festivities. I was getting large at that time, having only two months to go.
And on a bleak February day my child was born.
It was a strong healthy girl.
As I held my child in my arms I marvelled that out of that encounter, which had been so closely concerned with death, life should have come. A new life.
“What shall you call her?” asked my mother gloating over the child.
“I have decided to call her Clarissa,” I said.
Ill
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114DAMARIS
115THE CELLAR OF GOOD MRS. BROWN
I suppose all my life I have been overshadowed by Carlotta. She is seven years older than I, which gives her a certain advantage, but age has nothing to do with it. Carlotta is herself, and as such the most fascinating person I have ever met.
People turn to look at her when she comes into a room. It is as though the desire to do so is irresistible. Nobody could understand it better than I because I feel this deeply and always have. She is of course startlingly beautiful with that dark curling hair and those deep blue eyes; if one is the sister of such a creature one is immediately dubbed plain merely by comparison. I don’t doubt that if I had not had Carlotta for a sister I should have passed as quite a pleasant-looking, ordinary sort of girl; but there was Carlotta, and I became accustomed to hearing people refer to “the beauty.” I quickly accepted this and I didn’t mind nearly as much as my mother thought I might. I was one of Carlotta’s worshippers too. I loved to watch those deep-set eyes half closed so that the incredibly long dark lashes spread fanlike on her palish skin; then her eyes would open and
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if she were angry flash with blue fire. Her skin was pale but with a certain glow.
It reminded me of flower petals. It was the same colour and texture. I was pink and white with straight brown hair which did not curl very easily and never stayed where I wanted it to. My eyes seemed to have no definite colour; I used to say they were water colour. “They are like you,” Carlotta once said. “They have no colour of their own. They take colour from whatever is close. You’re like that, Damaris. The good girl. ‘Yes, Yes, Yes,’ you say to everything. You never have an opinion that is not given to you by someone else.” Carlotta could be cruel sometimes, particularly when someone or something had annoyed her. She liked to take her revenge on whoever was near-and that was often myself. “You’re such a good girl,” was her constant complaint, and she made it sound as if goodness was a despicable thing to be.
My mother was always trying to let me know that she loved me as much as she loved Carlotta. I was not sure about that, but I did know that I did not cause her the anxiety that Carlotta did.
I overheard my grandmother once say to my mother, “You’ll have no trouble with Damaris, at any rate.”
I knew they were comparing me with Carlotta.
Carlotta was constantly involved in some controversy. Exciting things happened about her and she was generally the centre of them all.
Not only was she beautiful but she was rich. She had charmed Robert Frinton, who had lived at Enderby Hall, and so completely had she done this that he left her his fortune. Then there was all the fuss about her elopement with someone called Beaumont Granville. I never saw him but there was a great deal of talk about him and his name was on everybody’s lips-even the servants’.
That was over a long time ago and now she was married to Benjamin Stevens-dear Benjie, whom we all loved so much, and my mother was particularly pleased as there was a little baby.
We had spent Christmas at Eyot Abbass and everything had circled round Carlotta then.
My mother insisted on staying until the baby-a little girl called Clarissa-was born and my father and I had come home.
“Now she has a baby,” my mother said, “Carlotta will settle down.”
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“Settle down!” cried my grandfather with a chuckle. “That girl will never settle down. Mark my words, she’ll always be the centre of some storm.”
My grandfather had a specially warm spot for Carlotta. He never seemed to notice me. My mother said that he had not been like that with her. It made his affection for Carlotta even more remarkable.
My mother was coming home shortly. There was no longer any reason why she should stay away. She had seen her granddaughter safely into the world, and Eyot Abbass was Carlotta’s home now that she had married Benjie. She had more or less returned to the scene of her childhood, for her early years, when everyone thought she was Harriet’s daughter, had been spent at Eyot Abbass.
Yesterday one of the Stevens’s grooms had ridden over with letters. My mother would be setting out at the end of the week. The journey was not long. It usually meant two nights at an inn, and that was taking it slowly. The grooms managed it in two days and they were always trying to do it in record time.
It was a sparkling morning. March had just come in like a lion, as the saying goes, and we were hoping it would prove the old saying true by going out like a lamb. There was a feeling of spring in the air. The long winter was over; the nights were getting shorter, and although there was not much warmth in the sun yet, it gave a promising radiance to the fields and hedgerows. I loved to ride out into the country; I loved to watch for the changing of the land. I had a great fondness for the animals too.