The Space in Between (26 page)

Things would have always just been the same. I would have moved from one thing in my life to the next, never really experiencing or feeling. I would have stayed numb.

The very last thing I feel when I’m with Emery.

Numb, frozen and completely cut off from everything has changed into paying attention to the world around me, seeing the beauty, breathing easier and really living. Smiling, laughing and doing things that make my mind and heart feel full again.

A taste of something so beautiful that now that I’ve had it, I’m addicted to and can never come back from.

Why can’t they understand that?

I know that my dad has seen the way things have changed. I also know he likes it. We’re getting along better. Talking things out that before we would have just kept to ourselves. Hell, we’re even hanging out and doing things together which hasn’t happened in so long I forget the way it used to be when it did.

So why can’t he see all of that and fight to keep things the same?

“Chris…” He calls through the door again, the hairs on my arm immediately standing on end, my whole body tense just from the sound of my name. “Rose isn’t here. It’s just me. Please let me in.”

There’s an appeal with her not being there, the sting of her words still raw and repeating on a loop in my head, but it’s not enough to get me to stand. I don’t know what version of my dad is going to be there when I open the door again and I can’t chance it.

I need the one willing to hear me out. Not the one that is going to side with his girlfriend and make all the decisions about my life for me. Especially not when he doesn’t have the right anymore.

“Just the two of us.”

Despite my anger, I’m hating on myself just as much as I am them. My dad has been alone since my mom died and a lot of the time when it was just us back home, I wanted him to find someone that would help him feel again. Having found that, I should be happy for him. Supportive. Instead, because of the way it’s happening and with who, I’m acting no better than a tantrum throwing two year old.

I owe him better than that. If it wasn’t for him, I’m not even sure I’d still be here.

Getting up from the bed, I flip the lock on the door and head back, not bothering to open it. I can’t go all the way with this. I can only go half. He’s gotta do the rest.

Opening the door slowly, he slips in, shutting the door and flipping the lock again once he’s in, standing completely still, almost afraid to move closer as his eyes take in the mess I’ve made.

Another way I’ve let him down. Destroying everything he put together for me.

“How long have you and Emery been dating exactly?” he starts off slowly.

“Since the night of the Halloween dance.”

“So about three months?”

“Yeah, Dad. Three months. But I’ve cared about her and wanted her a lot longer than that.”

“How much longer?”

“The second day of school.”

“Does she know that?”

“I’ve never come right out and said it, but I think she gets the idea.”

“You’re in love with her?”

“Yeah.”

There’s no moment after he asks the question and I’ve answered where I doubt myself. I know how I feel, so there’s no sense lying about it now. Not to him and not to anyone. I might be a kid and still have a ton of shit to learn about life, but I do know that what I feel right now is the best depiction of love that I’ve ever seen.

What Emery and I have is what I saw my dad share with my mom until cancer took her from us. Something I’m determined will never happen again.

I am not losing another person to illness or someone else demanding it.

Emery and I are forever.

“I’m going to go out on a limb and assume with how upset you are that you haven’t told her yet.”

“No. I was waiting for the perfect time. Kind of like you and mom.”

This causes his features to relax and soften. Any mention of my mom and the way I know they were changes him. It’s why it’s so easy for me to tell that what I have with Emery is love, because I react the exact same way.

“Sometimes it feels like that only happened yesterday, and then other times, it’s like I can feel the memory there, feel it deep in my bones, but it’s just out of reach.”

Time is doing that to him. It does it to me too when I remember her, but not when it comes to things like this. Memories that feeling them, remembering them and experiencing them through her eyes have helped shape me. I can never let those ones go.

“She told me that she knew she was going to love you for the rest of her life on your second date, but she didn’t want to scare you, so she waited for you to say it first.”

“It was the same for me.” He admits, finally finding his way over to the edge of my bed and making himself comfortable. “I knew it the second she flashed those baby blues at me, Chris, but I was such a stupid kid, I figured I’d wait. Sometimes I think things would have been a lot different if I’d just admitted it right away.”

I’m not following him. They still ended up together, so whether he told her how he felt that first day or he waited until when he finally did, I don’t see how it matters.

My mom used to tell me stories of how they were when they were dating, starting from when they met in senior year, right up until they married and I came into their lives. At the time I never understood why, and honestly I was so young I didn’t really care, but with all the time that’s passed since and me being older, I get it now.

She was preparing me for when it happened to me.

For right now…with Emery.

“Would you have gotten married sooner or something?”

“Probably. I’ll never know.”

“Dad,” I say, sitting up in bed and moving closer. “I know you probably think that what I have with Emery is stupid. That I can’t know what love is, but honestly, it’s all I do know. Everything else is confusing, but Emery isn’t.”

“It’s not stupid. I believe what you feel is exactly what you say it is. I also know how you’re feeling right now because I’m feeling it too. I’m stunned to tell you the truth. I mean, I’m the adult here and I let this all happen under my nose without a clue. I don’t know what the right thing to do is, but I get the feeling that it’s not forcing you and Emery apart.”

Whoa.

“But Rose…”

“Rose is her own person apart from our relationship and has her own reasons to want a different outcome here. We haven’t had a chance to talk about it, so I’m not really sure where she stands past what you heard her say earlier, but right now, we don’t agree.”

“Do you love her like you did mom?”

“No. I don’t think I will ever love anyone the way I loved your mom, Chris. That was a once in a lifetime thing. But I am in love with Rose. I want and can see a future with her.”

“She makes you happy.” I state the obvious and he shakes his head.

“Very. What you said earlier about Emery, it’s the same thing with Rose. She’s shown me what’s important in life. Brought me back. I like the way I am with her; the person I am and the father that I’ve been to you.”

I can’t argue with him about that. He is different with me now. Rose is the reason for it and if I wasn’t still so raw I’d probably ask him to get her so I could thank her for that.

In a lot of ways she gave me my father back. She’s doing what my mom wanted the whole time.

How is it possible that of all the women in the world, the Cayne men somehow found and fell in love with the Carmichaels? Both of them changing our lives in such a monumental way that we can’t imagine life without them?

“What are we going to do, Dad?”

“Well first, we’re going to go out and have a conversation about this. Figure out the next step to take. With the way her face went white when you walked by the kitchen, it’s a pretty safe bet that Emery isn’t aware of any of this. We need to figure out how to handle it now so that she can be.”

 “She’s gonna leave me when she finds out, Dad. I can’t…I can’t lose her.”

“It doesn’t have to come to that, Christian. I know this looks bad and that Rose’s initial reaction isn’t the best, but it doesn’t have to end badly.”

“How are you so okay with this?”

“The heart can’t help who it loves. If it could, I’m pretty sure the way I was would have sent your mom running from me years ago. Besides, is it really so wrong? Us being in love with a mother and daughter?”

“Not to me.” I admit easily, but I don’t have it in me to tell him that the rest of the world doesn’t think the way I do. They’ll have their own opinions and judgements and it might be enough to tear all of us apart.

There’s no doubt the world is changing, but when it comes to looking at situations like this, what love can do and with who, it’s still not where it needs to be yet. People still need to learn how to open their minds and accept things that might not be the norm.

“Well, not to me either. For what it’s worth, I think that we need to wait to tell Emery. Ease her into this. It’s not just my relationship with her mother that we have to introduce anymore. It’s your part in it as well.”

“I don’t get it. If you’re only dating, then I don’t have a part at all.”

“But it won’t always be dating, son. I told you. I see a future with Rose.”

“So you’re gonna get married?”

Lowering his gaze, focusing on my comforter bundled in the corner, he nods slowly, telling me more with his body language than any words ever could, but it’s what he says next that hammers the final nail in the coffin of what Emery and I have.

“I bought the ring. I was planning on proposing on Valentine’s Day.”

Fuck.

I’m going to be her step-brother.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Emery

Guys are such idiots.

You want examples? Look no further than my boyfriend.

It’s been like this for a couple of days now. Ever since he was over at my house and I had to stop kissing him because, unlike him, I had to do my English paper and he’d left me to it.

It happened again this morning, and I swear it’s getting worse, but before I can make him tell me what’s going on, it’s like a flip switches and he’ll start acting like his normal self.

The thing is, I’m used to him zoning out. He’s been doing that from the start, but it’s the scowl he doesn’t think I can see and the way he flinches like he’s being physically hurt when someone touches him that changes it.

Something happened that night.

Originally, when he snapped at me in the music room, I thought I’d done something. 
I know, I know.
It’s not always about me. He’s allowed to feel and express his frustration and upset at other things, but considering he was fine one minute and now he’s not, it’s hard not thinking it.

It’s not just me he’s treating differently, which should make me feel a little better, but doesn’t.  There’s nothing remotely good about the way he shoved Jonah into the locker earlier, especially since from where I stood outside the office watching, all he’d done was make a joke. Something that for months, Christian’s been a part of and handled just fine.

So what’s changed now? What’s going on with him, and why is he so intent on taking it out on people instead of just doing the right thing and opening up about it?

“Mr. Cayne, you haven’t offered much insight today. Why do you think Willy tries to tell Howard about Dave Singleman?”

“I don’t know, Mr. Baylor, but I’ve got a better question. Why do you even care?”

See?
It’s not just me and Jonah. Even the teachers are paying for it today.

Ignoring Christian’s outburst, he turns toward the other side of the room, but before he can ask someone else, I clear my throat and shove my hand in the air. Christian might not care what he’s saying and doing right now, but I still do.

“Yes, Ms. Carmichael?”

“I think that for Willy, Dave represents why he became a salesman and illustrates the way the profession has changed. Willy just wants Howard to understand the way it was when he started. How it was about personality and establishing long lasting professional relationships.”

“Nicely done, Emery.” Mr. Baylor congratulates me, causing Christian to snicker before whispering something I can’t hear under his breath.

“Excuse me?” I turn and stare him down. “What’s your problem?”

“You are, alright? I mean, can you possibly kiss his ass more?”

“Office, Mr. Cayne. Now!” Baylor interrupts as I flinch from the venom in his tone. “It appears as though you need a moment to adjust your attitude and that kind of language will not be tolerated in my classroom.”

“Good. This class blows anyway.”

Grabbing his bag off the floor, he slams his books into it and throws it over his shoulder, flashing an angry scowl my way before slamming his way to the front of the room and through the portable doors.

Focusing back on Baylor while trying my hardest not to react to the way Christian just acted, he does a scan of the room before focusing his attention back on the board at the front.

“If there’s anyone else that feels like following Mr. Cayne’s lead, you can excuse yourself right now and do as I’ve told him. The office is waiting.”

Lifting my hand in the air again, but smiling so he knows I’m not choosing to join Christian, I wait until he turns around and motions for me to speak before asking for a washroom pass.

I can’t sit here and pretend anymore. Something is seriously wrong with my boyfriend and I’m gonna get to the bottom of it before he blows up worse. The last thing that needs to happen is for him in his anger to lose it physically on someone.

“Make it quick, Ms. Carmichael. Arthur Miller waits for no man, or woman as it were.”

Well, newsflash for Mr. Miller. He’s damn well gonna wait for me.

I’m not coming back to class until I get answers, even if they’re ones I don’t wanna hear.

Christian is gonna tell me what the hell is going on.

Christian

Leaning back against the wall behind me, pulling the front of the chair up with me, I close my eyes and enjoy the coolness on the back of my neck. The first moment in the last two days where I actually feel something other than sick.