The Sphere (3 page)

“But it was the other three.”

I look at Axel, incredulous. I can’t keep our eyes from locking onto each other.

“How do you do it?” he asks.

“What?”

“Make your eyes change color. I’ve never understood how you do it.”

“They don’t change.”

“Of course they do. They went from gray to green and then to blue.”

I feel really awkward. I know how much he likes the way my eyes change color.

“I don’t do anything. They just change.”

I look out at the ocean. Luckily my brothers are totally absorbed in their stupid splashing game. I start walking.

“Good idea, let’s go for a walk.”

Who said I wanted to go for a walk with you? I’m even a failure at this! I tried to do just the opposite, to show you that I wanted to be alone. Stand up. Walk off. It should be easy, right? Axel walks along beside me in silence. I realize I’m being too hard on myself, yet again. It’s not that I’m a failure at expressing what I want, it’s that Axel has a sixth sense. He doesn’t always use it, but he has it. He realizes
everything
. What I want, what I don’t want. Sometimes I suspect that when he doesn’t use his sixth sense it’s only because he doesn’t feel like it. Because it suits him.

“They didn’t realize you’d fainted,” he says after a while. “You shouldn’t feel bad about it. How could you think they would just go off like that, calmly, if they knew you weren’t okay?”

Like I said: he sees what I think. It hurts me more than you could imagine to be ignored like that by my own family. He touches my shoulder. It ought to just be a regular pat of encouragement, but no, Axel doesn’t know the first thing about pats—he caresses my shoulder. I’m not exaggerating, and I’m not mistaken—that was definitely a caress. I pick up the pace and keep my eyes glued to the sand.

“They didn’t know you were sick.”

“Come on, Axel,” I pronounce his name with a snort, “How could they not know? They forgot about me like always. That’s just how it is.”

Axel takes me by the shoulders so he can look at me. Shit! I love his eyes. I look away and start walking again.

“I don’t think anyone realized what happened to you. Your brother had blood all down his chest, it was pretty shocking. Everyone was paying attention to him. Right when you fainted the parents of the other kids showed up and, well—there was kind of an uproar. Everybody was talking all at once, and you fainted so discreetly...”

“Next time I’ll clap before I fall down.”

“I’m sorry, you’re right—fainting discreetly doesn’t make much sense. But... that’s how it was. Everyone was yelling and arguing and you collapsed, just like that.”

“So how’d you realize what had happened to me?”

Axel touches my hand. I know. I know how he realized. I look at him with a serious expression.

“All right,” he says, putting his hands up.

“What was the fight about?” I ask.

“Because the other boys made fun of your brothers’ names, as far as I can tell.”

“How odd, to make fun of such normal names!”

“Mercutio and Benvolio!...” Axel smiles so widely that for a moment I’m afraid he’ll get sand in his teeth. “Your parents are really clever. Romeo...”

“Yeah, Mercutio and Benvolio from
Romeo and Juliet
,” I interrupt sharply. Time to find out if you’re a book freak, too... “How do you know?”

I stop walking. I need to look him in the eye to hear his answer. I want the truth.

“Know what—what the names have to do with
Romeo and Juliet
?” He shrugs and holds both hands out as if to say he couldn’t help knowing. “Romeo’s friend and Romeo’s cousin. It’s brilliant for a set of twins.”

Axel just let me down in the worst way possible. It feels like I caught him doing—I don’t even know, something horrific. I suspected he was a freak, him too, just like my parents. But it’s one thing to suspect it and another to prove it. What kind of cosmic joke is this? Why do they all have to be so close to me? The planet is huge, couldn’t they spread out a little? God of the misfits? Yes—you. It’s your number one underdog calling. Please don’t let me die right here and now. Not next to someone who got the literary reference of my brothers’ names right off the bat.

The wind makes so much noise in my ears that I’m cut off for a few seconds. For a moment I feel alone on the beach, alone in the world. I glance over at Axel. I hate him with everything in me for looking at me with that sweet expression. It always makes me feel so nervous. He’s noticed my loneliness. He’s a book freak, now I know it. I hate feeling so confused about him, but no—I can’t fall back in just because we walked along the beach for a little while. Just because he looks at me like that. Because he knows how lonely I feel. I remember suddenly what he said to me two days ago at the dorm. Dammit! Yesterday it was all clear, just this morning it was all clear. Even five minutes ago. Besides, we talked it over, right?

“What is it?”

“Nothing,” I answer, obviously surly, and start walking again.

This is how it is: there are things that put me in an indescribably bad mood in a fraction of a second. Sometimes I wonder if there are specific things that make me seethe like this, or if it’s just how I am. Maybe a bad mood is my natural state.

“Is it because I’m walking with you?” I look at him out of the corner of my eye. “Well,” Axel lowers his gaze, “I don’t see why I can’t walk with you.”

“We talked about it.”

“You talked about it,” Axel replies.

I know we could get tangled up in an argument about who said what yesterday, who decided that the best thing was for us to stop seeing each other. I really don’t feel like arguing. Not here. Not now that I’m feeling this hole of loneliness.

“Your brothers seem fun to me,” says Axel, changing the subject. “I’ve seen them around here before. With those cute curls of theirs...”

“How could you not see them! It’s enough to make you cringe.”

“But why?”

“They’re embarrassing,” I say without turning my head. I don’t feel like meeting his eyes again.

“They’re not embarrassing, they’re just little, and... they’re active. That’s normal. They’re cool.”

“I’ll give them to you. And I’ll give you my parents, too, they’re almost cooler than the twins. For you, the whole awesome package.”

Axel laughs. I wasn’t trying to be funny.

“But why do you dislike them so much?

“Because they deserve it.”

Axel is quiet, which is extremely strange. I didn’t want to look at him but now I can’t help it; his silence makes me turn toward him. I glance up without moving my face. He hasn’t realized that I’m watching him. He looks sad—really sad. What did I say? Why is he being like this? Suddenly he looks at me and I blush a bright red that really ought to disappear from the face of the planet. Where did that come from?

“Come on, Dissie, you shouldn’t say stuff like that about your family. All that bitterness doesn’t suit a girl like you.”

“All that bitterness?” For a second I don’t know what he’s talking about; I’ve been totally thrown off track. “Oh, yeah, my family... Look, you’d have to live it to understand it. And what do you mean bitterness doesn’t suit me?”

“What do I know. Maybe just that you shouldn’t feel it, that no one should make you feel that way. You’re—you’re different. Special. You’re sweet...” I look at him, squinting. “You don’t seem like it when you look at me that way, but you are sweet... in spite of yourself.” Axel’s last words are barely audible. Yeah, right, sweet as candy. “No one should make you feel bad.”

I can’t believe he just said that. The main reason I’m feeling bad right now is him.

“Do you know what movies are showing today?”

Axel looks at me, a little disconcerted, then smiles. Alarm bells go off in my head. No—please, no! It wasn’t an invitation.

“You want to go to the movies?” he asks.

“Just so I can send my parents. That way they’ll leave me alone for a while.”

I start walking again. I know he’s watching me; I can feel his eyes on my face. Without warning he wraps an arm around my waist, and I freeze. I have to confess—just to myself—that I don’t mind. But I know that just because it feels right doesn’t mean it is. It’s as simple as that. I’ve already made a decision about him, and it was only a couple of hours ago that I promised myself I would stick to my decisions. I’m not going to cave now. Slowly I lift his arm and push it away.

“If you get your parents to go to the movies tonight, you could come to a party with me. But really, if you felt like seeing a movie, I’d be happy to skip the party.”

“I hope there’s a kids’ movie showing. That way they’ll take the brats along, too.”

“You’d really come to the party?” Axel’s enthusiasm is a little scary. “That’d be great—you could meet my friends! And a bunch of other people, so when you start classes you’ll already know some people. Not that too many people will be there; it’ll be a small party. You know how it is, in the middle of summer there’s hardly anyone left in St Andrews. They’re all off on vacation. Well, everyone who isn’t working like I am. This time of year is when there’s the most work at the hotel. But yeah, some people will come to the party. You’ll have a good time.”

“I didn’t say I would go.”

“But you want to send your family to the movies, and you said you hope they take the twins. If they didn’t you’d have to stay home and watch them, right?”

“Maybe I feel like seeing a movie with them.”

All right, not even I believe that. But I don’t like seeing Axel so enthusiastic. The party sounded fine, but if it’s going to bring him that much joy... I don’t know. I think maybe not. We reach the end of the beach and turn around. I don’t even bother to check to see if my family is watching as we pass in front of their towels. This thing with Axel makes me sadder than I’d like to admit. But I’ve thought about it a lot, and I can’t go on like this with him. I know he’s hiding something. Practically every time I look at him I can see that secret in his eyes... The sensible thing would be to just get out now, and not take any more chances. Break it off and start college with a blank slate. Who knows? Maybe we could even be friends. I look at his feet walking next to mine. Okay, no, I couldn’t be his friend. Now we’ve reached the rocks at the far end of East Sands, where the little bay curves around. I try to head back toward my family, but Axel takes me by the hand and helps me pick my way through the seaweed and the little pools of water. There are tiny fish trapped in them—I can relate. I don’t know what to do with him. I don’t know what to do with myself. Axel climbs onto a rock and pulls me up to sit next to him. From here the surfers are just tiny figures in neoprene suits, dancing on the water.

The wind sweeps our words away and we have to fight to be heard. We have to lean in close to listen; we’re nearly speaking right into one another’s ears. Little by little, as Axel goes on talking, my fears vanish. I am surprised—astonished—by what I’ve just heard. I never imagined that something like that could have happened to Axel. What he’s telling me should make me trust him. Still, I can’t help feeling that—just like he kept this part of his life secret until now—there is a lot more still under lock and key. I feel small, and not for the first time. That’s the biggest reason I need to stand by my decision to stop seeing him.

We’re quiet for a while, watching the sea. I think that for the first time Axel’s head must be as crowded with thoughts as mine. I wonder if he has the same doubts that I do. One of the gulls flying overhead drops a little shell right into my hands. Axel smiles and comes a little closer to ask:

“So you’ll come to the party with me?”

I fidget with the shell. It could be a sign, but of what? I guess Axel interprets my silence as a no. But of course, he perseveres—if he didn’t, he wouldn’t be Axel: “You could also go to the party alone. Go alone if you want. I’ll be there, but we can ignore each other. I’m a professional at pretending not to recognize people who don’t want to be recognized. I’ll introduce you to everyone and then I’ll pretend I don’t know you, how does that sound?”

I smile more than I ought to, because his face is dangerously close to mine.

“You’re sure you want me to go?”

“What’s up with that sad face? Of course I’m sure!” He looks at me for a few moments and then elbows me in the side. “You’re so ridiculous. Come on. Maybe you’ll meet a mother
^[1]
before you even start classes... wait, no—you hate parents!”

“Very funny!”

“Come on, you’ll have a good time. Can I pick you up?”

“No. I...”

“So you’re choosing the ‘ignore each other’ option, right?”

I shake my head. Axel moves a lock of hair that the wind is blowing into my eyes and tucks it behind my ear. I feel his fingers brush my neck. Neither of us says a word; we just look at each other.

“You changed your mind about coming,” he says, looking serious.

“I don’t know.”

“I’ll come get you at nine.”

“Don’t come to the house. Wait for me on the corner, by the stream. Don’t go down my street.”

“I won’t come near your street, got it. I’ll be on the corner at nine, next to the phone booth.”

I have no idea why I told me to wait for me there. I’m not even sure it’s a good idea to go to the party with him.

“I have to go back to the towels, my parents are probably looking for me.”

“Maybe not.” He winks.

“Right. I’m the invisible daughter, it’s true. Still, I better go.”

Axel climbs down from the rock and puts an arm around me to help me down.

“See you tonight,” he says, before he goes.

It’s unbelievable how many times I go back and forth in my mind between yes and no. Three thousand? Maybe more. I can’t stop changing my mind about the party, even during the short walk back to the towels.

I have no idea whether I’ll see him. I don’t know what my mutant brain will end up deciding. I don’t even know if I’ll decide at all—everything points to no, to a lifetime of being a broken stoplight, blinking between red and green. People aren’t for me. Parties aren’t for me. And Axel... Well, we’ll see about him.