The Suicide Project (Rebirth Book 1) (33 page)

Wryly, she grinned at me as she said, “Aren’t you going to mention being related to my uber-famous siblings? I am the youngest of five children after all, and my brothers and sisters are all way more famous than I am.” Even though she was smiling, there was no mistaking the pain in her eyes or the regret and sadness in her voice when she spoke of her family. I started to get the feeling that her story had to do with being cast in the shadow of her sibling’s fame.

The others all faded into the background as I put all my focus on her. With a hushed voice I asked, “What happened, Allegra?”

After blowing out a long breath, she finally answered. “Well, you get the shortened version since everyone here has already heard my story at least once or twice. In a nutshell, I come from a family of actors. Even my parents are actors; my mom was on a soap opera for 15 years, and my dad has had many successful roles on numerous TV shows. My parents pushed me and my brothers and sisters very hard when it came to our acting. Eventually my brothers and sisters rose to stardom and started winning Emmy’s and Oscars left and right, but no matter how hard I tried I could never measure up to them. Finally, my big break came when I got cast for a role on Interloper. I was so happy! I felt like I was finally going to achieve my goals of making it big like the rest of my family. But my character got killed off halfway through the very first season.”

Allegra cleared her throat as she absently traced patterns on the edge of her plate. “The logical thing would’ve been to brush myself off and get back out there to look for more acting roles that I might’ve been suitable for. But it was hard to pick myself up and start over after I read some really bad reviews from a couple of very harsh TV critics. They basically said that I was performing at amateur level and that they highly doubted I’d ever reach the ranks of my famous siblings.

The negativity from my parents didn’t help matters either. They weren’t supportive like some other Hollywood parents are…all they did was compare me to my siblings and ask why I couldn’t be more like my sisters. I felt like I was nothing but a constant disappointment to my parents. The pressure of competing with my brothers and sisters just became too much. Life is so much more stressful when your personal life is always exposed to the public eye. Even people who I thought were my friends, I found out later only used me to get closer to my family. It hurt a lot, and I started wondering what was real and what wasn’t. I couldn’t even keep a boyfriend for longer than a couple of months because in the end, I found out they were only trying to get closer to one of my sisters. It’s devastating to be used like that. After the tabloids started focusing on me and my failed acting/dating attempts, I started to spiral deeper and deeper into depression.”

Everyone was quiet and still as we gave all of our attention to Allegra. I could only imagine how stressful her life had to have been, being constantly in the limelight. I remembered reading a story in a gossip magazine featuring her suicide, but unfortunately I was never able to finish reading the story. I had picked up the magazine in the lobby of my dentist’s office while waiting for the dental hygienist to call me to a back room. It ended up being a very short wait, and I got called back right away.

“One Sunday, my family and I were all having dinner together at my parent’s mansion when the topic inevitably turned to me and the bad reviews I had gotten from Interloper. I felt like everyone was against me. My parents told me I needed to take my acting career more seriously otherwise I’d start tainting the Ames family name. They even went so far as to suggest I take a few more acting classes so that I could get better. I finally got upset and started yelling back, saying that being an actress was never my dream to begin with. I had always wanted to be a singer. My mom just laughed in my face and told me that I didn’t even know how to play any sort of musical instrument, and what did I know about making it in the music industry?”

“Anyways, that was the night of my suicide attempt. I was just so tired of being told I was worthless and that I was a disappointment to the family. I felt that I would’ve been so much happier had I been born to a different family. A normal family where I could be happy working a mediocre job, like being a cashier at a grocery store or something simple like that while I went to college and studied something I actually
wanted
to spend the rest of my life doing. Then I wouldn’t have to worry about family reputations, or getting rejected at every single casting call I attended. I wouldn’t have to worry about looking over my shoulder because I was being stalked by the paparazzi. I wouldn’t have to put up with the pitying looks from my so called friends.”

Allegra sniffled and wiped her nose with her napkin before saying, “There were paparazzi waiting outside my parent’s mansion when I left that night by the way. Naturally, they were able to snap about a dozen pictures or so as I fled my parent’s house with tears streaming down my face. I’ve been told that one of those snapshots made it on the front page of several gossip magazines once the story of my suicide surfaced. But it was thanks to one of the paparazzi that I’m sitting here before you today. Apparently, one of them followed me all the way home and parked across the street, hoping to snap a few more pictures of me in my distraught condition. I tried to kill myself by carbon monoxide poisoning. I parked in my garage and shut the door, but left the engine running. I was sitting there thinking about how my life was a joke when I eventually lost consciousness. Sergeant Ramsey told me that the paparazzi had seen smoke coming out of the bottom of my garage door, and since my house is gated, nobody could get in. An ambulance was called for me and the next thing I knew, I woke up here on the base.”

“When I was first informed why I was here, I was sooooo angry.” Allegra flicked a rueful grin at me as she continued. “I felt immediate remorse and regretted my actions, but of course it was too late. I couldn’t go back and undo my mistake. Sergeant Ramsey’s team is really good at faking our deaths and covering up the fact that we were secretly whisked away to this secret military base. It took a long time for me to accept the fact that I’m here for good and that I can never go back to my former life, especially since everyone already thinks I’m dead.”

Out of curiosity, I asked Allegra, “
Why
were you so angry and resistant to the program when you came here? Especially when it doesn’t sound like you’d miss anything from your former life?”

Exhaling on a pent up breath, she explained, “It’s primarily because I was scared and didn’t know what kind of life I would have here. Fear can make you imagine all sorts of sordid scenarios. And to the rest of us here, Sergeant Ramsey is pretty intimidating when you first meet him. It wasn’t until we all saw the interactions between you and Sergeant Ramsey on the live cams that we realized, maybe he isn’t as scary as we were building him up to be in our minds. And maybe life didn’t have to be as hard as we were all afraid it was going to be. The other big reason why I was so resistant to the program is because I was afraid that some people here would recognize me, and that I’d get judged and ostracized for attempting suicide. I figured people wouldn’t understand the reasons why I did it. And I was right… Zima recognized me right away. We got into an altercation and she basically screamed at me saying that I wouldn’t know what true human suffering was. She said that since I’m a celebrity, I wouldn’t know what it feels like to worry and struggle about money on a daily basis. She also mentioned that I had opportunities no one else had to better my life, if I weren’t so lazy.”

I gritted my teeth in anger at Zima’s accusations. What gave her the right to make such opinionated, outlandish claims like that? Staring right at Allegra, I said, “I hope you know that everything that came out of Zima’s mouth was complete bull-pucky, right? I’m sure she’s got a good reason for having such a gargantuan chip on her shoulder, but it’s not right for her to take her anger out on everyone around her. She’s never going to heal emotionally if she insists on keeping that field of negativity around her.”

I saw Marisol and Kyrie nodding their heads in agreement, and Sergeant Kami winked at me in acknowledgement.

“Since we’re having a serious conversation right now, I have a question that I just wanted to ask the rest of you. I wanted to know if you’re all on board for getting additional DNA treatments, or if you need more time to think about it? I understand it’s a big decision, and I don’t want anyone to feel peer-pressured into moving forward in the program if you’re just not ready.” My gaze flitted around the room as I tried to gauge what the others were thinking.

Allegra broke the silence by admitting, “I’ve done a lot of self-growth over the past few months, and I’ve come to accept the fact that I’m here permanently. I don’t want to go back to the way I was when I first arrived here. Watching you on the live cams Teagan, you’ve shown me that there’s nothing to be afraid of and that it’s okay to embrace this new life that we’ve been given.”

I turned my attention to Harper next since she had been fairly quiet and contemplative up until this point. Catching my eye, she smiled tentatively before saying, “I’ve said “goodbye” to my old life a long time ago. I don’t ever want to go back to feeling the way I did before my arrival here. Previously, I was in a very dark place mentally and emotionally, and it took me a few months to snap out of it after I arrived here on the base. That’s when I met Marisol and Kyrie, and I decided I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself once and for all because after seeing the way Ruby was, I felt that these girls needed me.” She gestured to Marisol and Kyrie, smiling at them fondly before turning back to me. “I kind of think of them as my adoptive little sisters. And then I made friends with Allegra, and it suddenly became easier to cope with this new life on the base since we had each other to talk to and confide in. Naturally, I’m a little creeped out by the physical changes to our bodies, but so far they seem pretty minimal.”

The expression on Kyrie’s face was so grim when I glanced at her next, I was a little taken aback since it made her look older beyond her years. She licked her lips nervously as all eyes turned to her. “I have things here that I never did at home, especially the feeling of security. I feel loved and accepted here, and being here with all of you guys, I can honestly say that this is the happiest I’ve ever been. Most importantly I feel like I have hope again, and I feel so grateful for it. There was a time when I felt that my life was completely and utterly pointless. It was a terrible feeling, and hopefully I’ll never have to experience it again if I remain in the program with you guys.”

I caught the curious look that was exchanged between Harper and Allegra, and it made me feel that perhaps they didn’t know Kyrie’s story after all. I found it a little puzzling since I assumed that everyone here already knew each other’s personal stories.

Looking towards Marisol, I saw that she had reached for Kyrie’s hand and was grasping it tightly. “I feel exactly the same way that Kyrie does. For once in my life, I feel hope again. Ever since you stood up for me with Ruby, you’ve made me feel important. Like I matter. I didn’t feel like I fit in in my old life, and when I came here…I still felt like an outsider. Like I was a freak. Every day here is still a struggle for me, but I’m getting better and better. My biggest fear is that you and Gideon and Sam will all get your third shots and the rest of us will all get left behind.” Marisol’s lower lip started to quiver, and I was startled that she had been agonizing over the thought of being abandoned.

Pointing my finger at her, I retorted, “What the heck, Marisol? Haven’t you been paying attention to the live cams? I never leave a teammate behind. Period! In the past, when I was done running my miles around the track—did I leave Sam behind to fend for himself? Nope…Gideon and I ran extra laps, just so that Sam didn’t have to run around the track alone. Cuz that’s how we roll. Being in a team means that you never have to be alone again. Got it? You never have to worry about that with me.” I got to my feet and padded around Kyrie, crouching behind Marisol to give her a great big hug from behind.

Not wanting to be left out, Kyrie leaned over and put her arms around the two of us. “Awww… it’s time for a group hug!” I chuckled at Harper’s words and we all laughed as Harper and Allegra hurried over to join the group hug. I smiled at Jamie over the top of Marisol’s head, and laughed outright when I saw that she openly had tears streaming down her face.

“Nurse Jamie… you’re a big ol’ crybaby!” I accused. She just chuckled guiltily as Sergeant Kami leaned over to drape her arm around Jamie’s shoulders.

As we all returned to our original seats, Kyrie said, “I don’t get it. Why are you crying, Nurse Jamie?”

“It’s because I’m happy and relieved that we have your full cooperation for the experiments we have planned. Sergeant Ramsey told us in the beginning, that participants who remained uncooperative would be terminated from the program. You can interpret that however you want, but the bottom line is that none of the military staff here wants it to come down to that.”

Suddenly alarmed, I asked, “What happened to Ruby? Where is she?”

Holding out her hands as if to placate me, Jamie explained, “Calm down. We still have hope for her. Currently, Ruby is undergoing hypnotherapy to find out why she’s so hateful towards Marisol. With enough sessions, we’re hoping that we can get down to the root of the problem so that we can begin behavior modification therapy. In the worst case scenario, she’ll be terminated from this program. She can never go back to her old life in the real world. I hope you all realize that none of you can.”

I simply nodded my head in understanding. I truly hoped that behavioral modification would work on her because she was way too young to be such a hateful, raging bitch. There was just no cause for it. Besides, I sincerely believed that everyone deserved a second chance. It was just a shame that Ruby was blowing hers. The mood in the room suddenly turned ominous as I’m sure we all started wondering the same thing; what did it mean to be terminated? Would they finish the job we all started and take away this life they had given us? Or would we be entered into a different type of program and experimented on until our bodies couldn’t handle the stress of change anymore?